i feel so worthless

[DaftKid]

ive changed my name for this as i sound pathetic, but..its my birthday today,
i got a card from my mum, my dp and dd and one of my brother.
my two best friends havent been in touch, my close auntie and cousins, my s.i.l, nor my friends mum whom i really close too none of them have rang, sent a card, nothing.
been feeling really low all day and havent enjoyed the day one bit.
dd played up all day and acts like she hates me and i feel like i dont matter anymore, feel like im nobody and sick of going out of my way for everybody when no one takes the time out to consider me.

sorry, i said it sounds stupid and childish, but i just feel so sad

[nnosam]

happy birthday. smile we love you here at MN. {{{{{{hugs to you}}}}}}

[ETsmum]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! At least dp remembered. If only children would know they have to be angelic on your b'day, mothers day etc - know my ds isn't.

Anyway, just wanted to send you a birhtday hug

[actualisedad]

It doesn't sound stupid or childish to me. Birthdays are pretty crap for loads of people. I hated my birthday for years - had really low self esteem throughout my teens, always got even more depressed than usual in November each year (combination of lack of sunlight and it being my birthday). It just reminded me that I was unhappy, plus the burden of expectation that you are supposed to be happy on your birthday...

I'm sorry you had a low day, and I really hope you feel at least a bit better soon, but please don't think you are pathetic! You're really, really not.

[DaftKid]

thanks.
perked up a bit when leaving resteraunt earlier and dp commented on how much better dd was behaving, and i told him that i cant control these feelings and just have to hope they go, once we got home, dd started again and back came the black cloud.

[ETsmum]

Hope the black cloud has shifted a bit more this am - let us know how you are doing if you have a minute?

[Evesmama]

thankyou for thinking of me..i woke up this morning and felt great!!

and dd was so pre occupied with her new little friend at playgroup, i got two hours(in same room) to sit and chat and eat choccy and pizza(which i took in so i wouldnt eat it

i dont know what it was yesterday???but it was really horrible and very scary

hopefully ad's are back in my system and things will start to look better to me again
thanks again
xx

[ETsmum]

Hi Evesmama (think I have seen your name on MN before....am quite new....)

Glad that you woke up feeling good this am and hope it's still continuing Can I ask how long you've been on ad's? Took them for a few months after ds was born (should have stuck at them longer) and know how it is to feel low. Your post reminded me of my 1st b'day after ds was born and how awful I felt (just had another one though, and it was much better!)

Don't tempt me with choccy and pizza - I'm SO hungry right now! Anyway, hope I'm not being too nosey and hope you are doing ok.

[Evesmama]

hi ETsmum

i started taking ad's when dd was about nine months old(she's 2 in 2 weeks)
never found any yet that help me, most have given me severe side effects with no improvement.
im on lustral now, and am hoping thes start working soon as this has been going on o long now and i want to 'be normal' again!

and no your not nosy

[Evesmama]

hi there
yes i do try to get out with dd, but i live in a 'dodgy' area and nothing nice too see within walking distance other than supermarket!

but hopefully now better weather is on its way, i can take her to park close to were we used to live!but now 45min-1hr walk!

[Evesmama]

i got a beautiful bouquet of flowers off friend today(closest but not oldest) and were going out for lunch tomorrow, but still no news from anyone else..am still quite miffed about it...!

[Loobz]

Happy belated birthday Evesmama

[giraffeski]

Message withdrawn

[Evesmama]

thanks girls
back down a bit today?, feels like im on a rollacoaster??

[ETsmum]

Hi again Evesmama and sorry to see that you were feeling down again today Remember that when I was in the thros of pnd my emaotions were all over the place....really happy, really sad. It waas SO frustrating coz when you feel good, you think you are getting better, then the low hits you extra hard the next day. My ds is just over 20 months so not dissimlar to your dd.

Sounds your having a hard time finding ad's that help you.....I was on citalopram (?sp) and not really sure how much they helped. Have you tried talking to anyone?? May sound daft, but it was the association for post natal illness that really helped me. Got a contact through them who I could email - they do phone and letter contact as well. It was just great to have someone other than dh who I could pour my heart out to, and who didn't judge my terrible thoughts etc. Know face to face counselling isn't for everyone (I hated the thhought of it) but for me APNI really helped. Is your GP good? Remember not thinking much of the help mine offered!

Anyway, thinking of you. It does get better, even if you are having a day whe it feels like it won't, it will eventually. Hope tomorrow is good.

(Did I make any sense?? )

[Evesmama]

thanks ETsmum

been a bit hit and miss today, but spent my birthday money on perrfume, spa bath stuff, cucumber cleaning wipes, v.expensive (and probably no different to no frills shaving gel!)(for leg and girly bits..i dont have a beard you understand!), just had a long soak, de fuzzed, washed hair and feel really fresh and awake for the first time in over a year!!!, funny how certain things work isnt it!, shame im off to bed soon!

i would apreciate that number if you can get it to me, doc is nice, but dont feel like im getting to the bottom of it with them??

[ETsmum]

Don't laugh (can't do links yet!) but have a look at www.apni.org. Tel 020 7386 0868. From what I remember I filled out a form online and got a letter thru shortly after with details of my "support person." Got an email from her the same day - seemed to be set up really smoothly and quickly for me. Hope this is all the info you need - if not let me know. And good luck if you decide to get in touch with them. About the same time I found APNI I emailed the Samaritains as well (it was a v. low time) and I found the help from APNI much more beneficial as you spoke to someone who had been through the same things etc.

Glad to hear you speant your b'day money on stuff for YOU and glad you sound really happy and chilled at the mo. Off to bed myself soon (dh having "late" night, but can't keep my eyes open.....)

[Evesmama]

thanks ETsmum, youve been a really good help
am off too now(got caught up on earpeircing thread), but cos busy day tomorrow..will look on site tomorrow night
thanks again
have a good weekendxx

[ETsmum]

Hope your weekend is going well too. We've had a nice day just pottering round doing this and that...... Not loking forward to this eve thuogh, as dh is out to the cinema and I'm on putting to bed duty for ds. I'm very lucky that dh normally does it, but by that time of eve I just want to veg. Touch wood ds will be good :-/

How has your dd been - when you oricginally posted you'd had a hard day with her...is she normally pretty easy going, or do you have your hands full?

Let me know how you are getting on when you have the time - thinking of you

[Evesmama]

hi Etsmum
hope you had a easy night with ds???

we had a lovely day today, although started badley with getting to supermarket only to realise we had a flat tyre!, dp pumped it up, went flat again, so took it home and walked back to shop....problem..dd was with us!!, no car=no car seat for taxi!
luckily, it was really nice here today, so dd and i walked home..took twice as long as she decided to practice her lunges every other step, but it chileed me out from a sleepless night and the fresh air did wonders for me

dp took car to garage and had to shell out fortune on new tyre, but when he got back we went to his sisters and spent all afty there..has been quite strained between us all as she exploded unnessarilly (sp) over christmas, but today was great!
think it was the sunshine
had a really good laugh and dd loved it too

dd didnt have afty sleep AGAIN,
hoped she would have gone on way to SIL but didnt and was too exited when there, but this is 3 days with no afty sleep and last night she woke up at 1-2am ish, just hope she sleeps better tonight! as even when at home, she just wont go for afty nap lately???and shes not getting the extra rest at night??no idea how to help it??

she is a funny and loving little girl but i dont know wether she is really really hardwork at times or its just the way im feeling and how i react to what she does when im feeling like this??dp says we're like ET and Elliot..we'rehappy when one anothers happy, but we also feel each others pain??
wish i was a more confident happier mum, and wish i was the one cheering her up and not the other way round by 'being good'

[ETsmum]

Hi Evesmama. Just saw your post, but off to bed so will reply properly tomorrow. Had good eve with ds - touch wood he is a very good sleeper (wasn't at 1st!) He is also thinking about dropping his afternoon nap I fear.

Wishing you a good, long nights sleep

[Evesmama]

you too honey
have a good sleep, speak again soon

[ETsmum]

Sorry to hear about the flat tyre yesterday - what a PAIN!! And as you said, getting a taxi is no longer a simple task (I don't drive so this is a constant worry. Luckily have very helpful family tho!)

Glad to hear that things went well at your SIL's. Know that sunshine does wonders for your mood, and a change of scene is good too (and if you are feeling a bit fragile emotionally, you DON'T need to be round anyone who will wind you up etc!)

Did you have any luck with dd having a nap today? Ds has had 1 afty nap for ages - not a long one, but enough for me to recharge. But 2/3 days in the last week he just hasn't had it. Feel a bit stressed not knowing wether he is having one or not (I'm a bit of a creature of habit I think.....) Know thay have to drop it sometime but I (and you I imagine) was hoping ds would last another few months

Re your dd's happienss rubbing off on you and vice versa. Well, having a child is very hard work, and if you have pnd it's so much more so. Know for the 1st year or so of ds's life I'm sure we had this prob. He'd be grouchy, which would make me cross/angry/tearful (hate myself for this now) and it would snowball. I know that you can't help how you feel and how you react to dd, and it WILL get better.

"wish i was a more confident happier mum." My heart really goes out to you when you said this coz it sounded just like me a few months back. B4 I had ds, I think I was a fairly confident person, BUT the combination of a new baby and pnd just takes it all away. You said you started ad's when your dd was 9mo, but how did you feel before this? Know my pnd came on pretty much from day 1, but know it is very different for others. I feel a lot more happy now, and am working on the confidence, but it IS hard - it can be done though, if you get help etc to feel more yourself.

Anyway, I've rally rambled Really hope you had a good day today (how many good vs bad do you find youre having at the mo?) Do you think you may get in touch with APNI, or try your gp again? Keep posting if it helps, amd hugs, it DOES get better. Just enjoy the good stuff when it happens xx

[Evesmama]

lovely to hear from you tonight hun

hope your ds settled last night and you got a nice rest?

thank the lord, i managed to get dd to have a sleep this afty!!, was torture, but persisited and finally got her to stop crying by quoting "shh, listen whats that sound" from razzledazzle, shes so nosy, she stopped crying, starting listening and dropped off
i felt so relieved once shed dropped off
and just sat and chilled out with dp

i used to be very confident in public(different matter inside) and knew something was 'wrong' almost immediatly as straight away our 'help' vanished and there were no friends/family available to help as they promised...first months will always put me off ever having any more, even though id like to give dd a sibling, its just not gonna happen..im not strong enough!

at this moment, my bad days over ride the good and to be honest, there are 'low times' every day..dd is very difficult at the moment, she's hitting, refusing to do anything she doesnt want too and even when you do something she asks, she then says no and throws a tantrum and havent read her mins exactly!!

finding it very hard

had driving lesson this morning and she said to dp whilst i was out..mammy..dont come back and kept telling me to go back upstairs and telling em to go away when i tried to get involved when she was doing something with dp

stupid, but i really feel like she hates me

i enjoy seeing her and dp getting a stronger relationship and am crying out for a break, but today, i just feel unwanted...pathetic i know

dp cut grass today, so we've all been out in garden playing which she enjoyed, but doesnt seem to like stopping doing anything before 'shes' ready at the minute and kicked off when i had to carry her in!, which started a stress induced argument with me and dp
.however this lead to a good talk about how we feel and i explained that i would have done things differently should i have not been worried about him winging or making stupid comments, he said he wished he was more laid back with her as niece runs around all over and parents can be at other end of cul de sac, where as our dd although is outgoing with people she knows, is much more timid, i told him i would be happy to mop up a couple of grazed knees and throw out some ripped trousers if it meant she was enjoying her self and building her confidense where as he would be like...you're not watching her...she's gonna fall..hurry up..shes running off and so on.
it really hit home to him and he asked why i was only telling him this now?
i told him because its generally easier to keep him happy and adjust the way i do things with dd.
ie:letting her throw a tantrum and ingnoring her instead of picking her up and 'making it better', get it out of her system and make her see she cant always have her own way..
anyway, i know how he works and know, hell be thinking more about it now, so hopefully he'll stop undermining me and stop questioning my judgement.
i told him that when he gets in from work and she pesters him and he's like oh for gods sake, how did he imagine i felt after a full day of it?
and he explained that he found it difficult, so knew i must find it much harder...i then snapped and told him that everyone always say that!, oh, im finding it hard..god knows how you must feel...must they dont actually give a shit and get on with their day!its just something they say so they try not to sound selfish.
i rarely complain in Rl and just 'get on' with things, so everyone assumes im fine, so dont bother asking.
so he's just had a bit of a wake up call!
see if it done any good!
wow, you thought you rambled
had to get that out though..prob doesnt make much sense as im typing so fast, but you'll get the jist if you havent fell asleep by this part

anyway...thanks for listeningxxx

[ETsmum]

Hi and sorry for not getting back to you last night - could never compete with that length of post!!

Hoping that today was a good day for you. All ok here, though I always find Mondays hard....dh back to work etc. Silly really coz I've been doing this mum thing for ages now! Fingers crossed that dd had a nap as well. Oh and before I forget, what date is dd's b'day? (Hope it's ok to ask this....just know it must be in a week or so from your prev posts.)

"bad days over ride the good and to be honest, there are 'low times' every day" so sorry to hear this but I know exactly how you feel as I've been there. It really is like a rollercoaster! We too are NOT having a second. Very contoversial, but dh has already had the op HOWEVER. a word of caution, as I have been feeling a bit broody recently, now that I feel so much better.....really funny how you can forget the most awful darkest times (bet you don't believe nme at the mo! One day....)

Have you got much support at the mo ie family/friends that can give you a break, even for an hour? Found this really helped me at first...."abscence makes the heart grow fonder etc." Would offer my company in rl, but we live on a teeny island called Guernsey, so guessing it's pretty impractical!

It's not pathetic to feel how you do about the things dd said, but keep it in perspective (v.hard I know.) She's 2, she knows that what she says gets a reaction from mummy, but I don;t think she's really old enough to know what shes saying iykwim? I'm POSITIVE she doesn't hate you. Try not to beat yourself up over it and enjoy it when dp gives you a break. One thing I learned going through pnd is sometimes you have to be really selfish to feel better. If dp takes her off your hands, then do smething, ANYTHING that will lift your spirits a bit. Get out in the fresh air, have a bath, read, listen to "happy" music, whatever.

Got the jist of all you were saying And as you said, bet you felt better just for writing it all down. Dh and I had the most terrible arguments when I was in the thros of pnd (and he's lovely, and we had a brillint relationship before ds.) But if you can talk it really is good, and hopefully he will understand more how you feel etc. I too was terrible for putting up a front, and dh got it all when he was at home with me ( just thinking about how horrid I was!) I couldn't talk to family/friends hardly at all about how I really felt....have you got a decent HV? Mine came round just for a chat a few times when I asked, and that really helped.

Anyway, you know you can be honest about how you feel on here....get it all out of your system if you are feeling bad, and post about the ups too

Hugs to you and thinking of you....want you to feel better like I do (not 100%, but pretty good.) Have the ad's started helping at all yet do you think?

Anyway, prolly nite from me, but post soon? xx