i cant keep doing this.

[misdee]

this is killing me. i am still feeling torn between keeping things normal at home, and seeing dh at the hospital. but now he is even further away. and getting to see him is harder, so the kids end up with nanny for longer. dd1 is missing dh like mad, dd2 is ignoring him, dd3 doesnt really know him . I feel like i can never do enough for him. i aways want to feel like i'm doing something useful, but he doesnt need anything apart from company. but i cant talk for hours like some people, so we end up playing cards. Then i feel guilty when i have to leave. i cant even stay a few days at the patient relatives flats as they dont allow children to stay, and i am breastfeeding dd3. and dont think i could get babysitters overnight for the other 2 if they did allow dd3 to stay with me.

just want this all to end now. why cant we have a normal life free from health worries?

[nikcola]

{{{{{}}}}}} when does he come home?

[misdee]

the hospital havent given a date.

[nikcola]

i really feel for you having to keep it all together with a new babba and everything else do you have 3 girls dont you?, i dont no much about whats happedned with your dp just that he has been very ill, i bet you and the kids miss him loads i really dont no how you cope you deserve a medal or a new pushchair {{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}}} hugs for you nad kids xxx

[misdee]

i hate the smell of hospitals, the way the alcohol gel makes my hands feel and smell, hate the fact dh is wired up to a monitor, hate seeing the bruises on his arms from blood tests and how skinny he has gotton over the last few months. hate the fact he is missing out on the 1st precious weeks of dd3 life, that he wont be able to help if he is home next week with half term stuff like taking the kids to the zoo/chessington. he is missing out on so much, and so are the kids. maybe we were being selfish by having dd3, is this really fair on her, dh or anyone?

[nikcola]

playing cards is nice at least he gets some company i bet he really looks forward to seeing you how far away is he?

[nikcola]

that just made me cry {{{{{{}}}}} your not selfish having her , you have 3 ovely daughters and he will be home soon and he can catch up he might not be able to go out and do things but it will be better if he is there with you , how old are your dds ?

[nikcola]

lovely

[Merlin]

Misdee - never spoken to you before but I have followed your threads and I think you're amazing for what you and DH and family are going through. No advice really, just wanted to say I think you are a star and hopefully your DH will be on road to recovery soon and you can have all the family together again. Have you got family and friends close by to help out and try and relieve some of the strain on you?

[nikcola]

im on msn if you want to chat but i bet you have got your hands full ...

[email protected]

[Hulababy]

Oh misdee. This must be so hard for you; I can't imagine the stresses and strains on you and your family right now.

But you are not selfish for having DD, and I am sure that your DH just appreciates your company at the hospital regardless of what you do when there.

Try not to be too hard of yourself. You have so much to deal with right now.

[misdee]

dd1 is 5, dd2 is 2.5yrs old, and dd3 is only 4 weeks old.

[mummytosteven]

hard to know what to say misdee - it's just such an awful unfair situation you and your family are in with DH's health - and anyone with as much (or dare I say much less) to cope with than you would be feeling bl**dy awful and stressed out by it. it's obviously tough for everyone at the moment, having a new baby and DH in hospital, but DD3 has been born into a caring family, with people that love her, which is a lot more than a lot of kids have, unfortunately.

[nikcola]

do thay understand where their dad is (just tell me if im asking too many questions i dont mean to pry)

[sparklymieow]

hey babe, I will come round and give you a big hug soon....... (can't come now unfortunely)
Chin up, that niece of mine is beautiful and she is worth everything. Is Dd1 still ill? Could you get a babysitter one evening, we could go to the pictures? How about it?
((((hugs)))

[misdee]

dd1 knows what is going on to a certain extent. dd2 knows daddy is ill but not the details, just that daddy goes away for ages at a time, and atm she is ignoring dh when he is home or if she goes to the hospital. she is going shy with everyone atm, and only wants me. she is sooo confused.

i cant seem to see a end to all of this. dh is going to get worse, more than he al;ready is, before he can get better. and when he does have the transplant its gonne be even longer stay in hospital initailly. how am i gonna cope then?

[noddyholder]

You have a hell of a lot to deal with right now and these feelings are normal believe it or not you will eventually move on from this though at the moment you feel you won't.Don't over stress about visiting make your home situation as easy as poss Your dp could probably last with no visits on some days when you are that ill you sometimes just want to lie there not bother with anyone/thing.When he has had his transplant and he is chasing your lovely girls round the park you will appreciate it so much more than your average Jo does.I was dreadful at the time of my illness and just wanted it all to stop I was so jealous of normal people it was untrue Give yourself a break you are doing a great job x

[nikcola]

oh hunny i really feel for you i really do but there is light at the end of the tunnel,

where abouts do you live? are you not intiteled to any kind of help with childcare or something

[noddyholder]

Misdee I had my transplant on a friday morning and went home the following wednesday 5 days!My 1st transplant in 1985 I was in for 3 weeks It has really moved on There are daily appts to start with to check medication levels and the hearts function they gradually slow down and after about 9 months you are seen monthly.I now see my consultant 4 times a year HTH

[sparklymieow]

what about Homestart Misdee, would they help? Or Social services, I'm sure if you phoned them they might be able to help.

[misdee]

i'd still be having to leave the dd's top visit him tho mieow, or not visit and spend time with the kids. maybe i should move nearer to harefield.

[noddyholder]

Sorry misdee keep thinking of things.When I had had my transplant 6 months I went to greece island hopping for a month and was fine and in1989 and 1990 i travellesd all over the world for 14 months drugs and all so life can be as normal as you make it

[misdee]

you hopped for a month?? didnt your leg hurt? that did make me smile

[noddyholder]

I was virtually hopping with all my ailments!

[misdee]

its just been a bad year so far, just keep hoping it'll get better but so far it hasnt. dh has been at home for 6 weeks of this year.

[nikcola]

it will get better

you are a very strong person and your dp and dds are very lucky xxxxxxxxx