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how do i move on :(

(6 Posts)
namedandchanged Mon 03-Nov-08 17:04:49

this is long and horrible, but its been 3 years now and i cant bear it much longer.

My brother 1 commited suicide 3 years ago. I blame myself for it.

When i was a child, a member of my family abused me. I eventually told my family and some believed me and some didnt. 3 years ago, my brother 2 and i were drinking and i had a go at him asking why he didnt believe me, and he said, it was because he didnt want to believe it had happened to me too. I was gobsmacked and he told me that my brother 1 had abused him when he was young.

My world pretty much fell apart then. It seems like my family is a bunch of abused and abusers.

For a year i said nothing to anyone about it, my brother 2 asked me not to. But he went seriously off the rails and one night, my parent was so upset i told parent what he had told me. I felt i had to because of how brother 2 was going. It all kicked off, lots of horrible things were said. I still couldnt believe that my brother 1 would do that, as we were very close. So 2 weeks before he killed himself, i asked him outright, and he said he had 'experimented'.

2 weeks later, he was texting me, telling me he wanted to talk. I was away from the area so couldnt meet. His last text to me was...i will miss you darling...we always used to joke like that. I took it as his usual self.

2 days later he was gone. I wont say how, but it was in a way you couldnt imagine.

I didnt know how to feel. On one hand, i wanted to hate him for what he had done to brother 2. But then it came out that brother 1 had been abused too, by a group of 'friends' and i felt perhaps he was only acting out what he himself had gone through.

I am still so confused in my head about how to feel about him. On one hand him not being here cuts me to the core, then i think, well i was abused and i didnt abuse anyone else. I also believe deep down, he couldnt cope with me knowing what he had done. That he killed himself because i opened my mouth for worry of my brother 2. But he is no longer here not to resolve this.

Every time a certain time of year comes around, my heart breaks again. I beat myself up and tie myself in knots. I dont know how to let go. My family dont know all this, they have no idea what i know. I feel like i am living a lie. They have wrote my brother 2 off, as he is still a bt wild. I want to defend him, tell them he cant help it, he is suffering too.

what do i do? I am such a broken person inside, from many things, but this is the real killer.

namedandchanged Mon 03-Nov-08 17:08:39

i should add that my parents are seperated which is why one side of my family doesnt know anything at all about this.

whyme2 Mon 03-Nov-08 17:16:08

this sounds such an awful mess for you to try and sort out in your head. I haven't amny advice apart from try and see a professional counsellor. It all sounds so horribly complicated. I am sad for you.

namedandchanged Mon 03-Nov-08 17:18:22

it is, very very complicated. But i dont know if i could see a counsellor. Its easy to be able to speak when its to a screen, but the thought of speaking about it all to a person...i just dont know if i could. I am sure it sounds even more complicated as i have tried to keep myself from being identified, for obvious reasons in my family not knowing. I wish i could explain more.

IWonderIfMamaGStillLovesMe Mon 03-Nov-08 17:31:45

It is not your fault brother 1 killed himself. That was his decision and maybe he wanted to tell someone as carrying the burden was so great, but then he couldn't live with what he had done.

I am so very sorry for everything you have been though. sad

ActingNormal Tue 04-Nov-08 14:21:06

Oh God, I'm so sorry, this is awful. I can't imagine anyone coping with this on their own and I really hope you will seriously consider getting some therapy. It is hard to get the words out to a real live person but once you force yourself to, and then start working through it, it really is worth it because things become so much clearer even though your brain feels utterly scrambled at the moment and you can't imagine feeling clearer.

It was NOT your fault. I can see it might take a while for you to believe this but it is true. Brother1 was responsible for his own actions. How he chose to react to things you said/did was HIS choice. You know that you did not talk about it to be malicious. I'm sure he didn't kill himself only because of what you said but because of the whole situation and trying to deal with what HE did.

I can completely understand you being angry with Brother 1 for what he did but also at the same time feeling compassion because you understand how what happened to him could drive him to do it to someone else. My brother was abused outside the home and he in turn abused me, copying the things that had been done to him. I also feel the conflicting feelings of anger and caring for him.

I also feel bitter that I was abused but have never hurt anyone so why couldn't he have self control. I guess we are stronger than them or have more empathy for other people.

It is sad that your parents aren't being supportive of Brother 2. You are though and that is good. You understand him because you know how it feels. Your parents may want to avoid thinking about it as they might feel some guilt for not preventing it. This doesn't excuse them not supporting him, it just might be an explanation as to why.

And what about you? I get the feeling you are thinking more about how your brothers have been affected and less about your own experiences. You are important too. I think you are very brave for speaking out to your family about what happened and you had a RIGHT to do this because your feelings are just as important as any of theirs. Sometimes focussing on other people's problems is a way of avoiding thinking about your own because it hurts.

If you can't face therapy, or not right now, could you read some books on this sort of thing as a start to helping yourself, keep posting on MN and maybe just keep writing down all the thoughts and feelings that come into your head? You can destroy the writing afterwards but it might help your thoughts to order themselves.

I hope you are going to be ok.

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