Thats it. I have finally realised that I can't 'do' life anymore

[Titania]

yes me again.....don't really want replies, just need to vent

I have finally come to the conclusion I am a crap mum and crap wife (and don't say I'm not please). I am so fed up its unbelievable. DS1 has gone to a friends house to play. Its the first time I have ever let him go. DS2 is just screaming at me and so is DD cos I won't let her have chocolate, when her dinner is going to be ready in 5 minutes....ds1 hates me....he tells me he does. he backchats and throws things at me all the time. He has me in tears everyday.

we are so seriously in debt. The company who were supposed to be sorting it out for us has been promising to get it sorted within 2 weeks for the past 6 months. Now we are getting all the court summons'/baliffs calling etc and its just not funny anymore...not that it was in the first place but you know what I mean. I have rung the debt company and got mad with them so many times i've lost count....we are £28,000 in debt and we need it sorting....

I don't feel as though the cousellor I am seeing is actually doing anything constructive to help me. I tell her all my woes and she just listens and thats it....she doesn't suggest anyways to deal with situations.

I am having at least one panic attack a day.

I am fed up of feeling so lonely and isolated. I don't even feel as though I am on this planet anymore....like I am standing here looking at someone elses life...

I can't do it anymore. I can't be a mum and a wife....I have sat here all afternoon thinking that all of them would be better off without me....I could seriously pack my bags and leave now....I even found myself standing at the level crossing before waiting for the train to go by. It was a high speed train and I thought... 'I wonder how much it would really hurt if I stood in front of one of those'

I cry nearly all day almost every day. There is always something to go against me...always something going wrong....something to throw be back in the deep end....and now I feel like I am drowning....

All I want is a normal life and to be happy. My kids would be better off without me. So would dh....whats the point of them having me around if I can't be normal???? I have resigned myself to the fact that I am never going to feel right again.

I am sat here in tears now hoping to god that I kiss my kids goodnight for the last time tonight......

[laneydaye]

and im moaning cos im getting no sleep..... can you list any positive thing today? even if its only 1 its a start......

[purpleturtle]

Well, I'm sitting here praying to God that you won't be kissing your kids for the last time tonight.

I know that depression won't let you think or believe anything good about yourself at the moment. But please don't quit.

[laneydaye]

bet your kids dont wish you kiss them for the last time tonight either....

[purpleturtle]

You are not a crap mum for letting your ds go to play at a friend's house. He'll probably have a great time, and he's not with you winding you up. That seems like a positive from where I am. (And easy for me to say, yes, I know)

[noddyholder]

If you are feeling this way you need to see a doctor

[Sponge]

Sounds like maybe you should let at least DS1 play at friend's houses more often. Everyone needs a break.
Could you try going to a different debt consolidation company. There are so many and it doesn't sound like the one you have is doing what's needed.
However bad you feel your kids will certainly not be better off without you. Honestly.

[purpleturtle]

Are your kids just tired? The screaming situation you describe sounds like the regular 4.30 "happy hour" [sarcastic emoticon] in most houses. I know you'll find it hard to deal with today, but it really does happen to all of us, and not just to you. You haven't done anything to cause it, you can't do anything to prevent it, and your kids will grow up not remembering anything about it. They'll just love you.

[Gwenick]

oh titania I'm crap when it comes to 'saying' things - I'm a good listener - but that's not very helpful when you can't see me!

I know you said not to tell you this - but you ARE a good mum and a great wife too. Kids say lots of things they don't really mean (even worse than us adults!)

Re the debts - you WILL get through it, it won't be easy (not that it is now) but you CAN do it - I know we've been there in a smaller way and my parents have been there in a BIG way - and they got through it. Not without tears - but they did it.

Is there anyone that can help you with the kids to give you a break, or family you could go and stay with just for a break??

Take care

[Enid]

this site is getting too weird - I'm off!

[alicatsg]

I know you say you don't want replies - but I don't think you mean it or you wouldn't have posted it.

I don't have a magic wand or the right words to make this go away but I will tell you this - your kids are behaving like kids, its actually nothing to do with you, its just the way kids are, testing boundaries, reacting without thinking etc. DS doesn't hate you, honestly he doesn't. And you do know that somewhere inside you.

You are going to feel right again, please keep thinking that this is just a phase. A f-ing awful one but just a phase.

wish I could help more.

[blueteddy]

We all have days when we feel we are a crap mother, I know I often do!
I also have days when I feel I am not fit to be a mother etc. I think it is normal to feel that way from time to time.
Your children DO need you, you are their Mummy & they love you.
My ds1 always says he does not like me when I am telling him off etc, but an hour later he tells me how much he loves me!
Your suicide thoughts are very concerning though & I feel that you should get proffesional help.
Can you speak to your HV or GP?

[purpleturtle]

Recalling your dh's post of a couple of weeks ago, I am absolutely certain that he would not be better off without you. He loves you. He wants you to feel better, I'm sure; but that's for you, not just him

[alicatsg]

Titania - do you want someone else to speak to your GP/HV and make it clear that you feel this way? Could DH? Could you show them the thread?

[Branster]

Tiatnia, please, please, please don't wish like that.
I have followed your other threads but couldn't bring myself to write anything because veryone here has such good advice for you and I'm not very good at phrasing things. I want you to know that I too am thinking of you and I know you will get over this stage eventually.
Also, in the graet scheme of things the money issue is not paramount today. You are much, much more important and you are the only person in this whole world and universe who can love your children like a mother and they are de[pendent on you more than you can imagine.
I'd have much more to say but I don't want to complicate things because I'm not sure what you want or need to hear.
Please, please, please find it within you to love yourself just a tiny bit more. We all love you on here.
I understand you are following a medicated programme for your depression (am i right). In that case, is it possible for you to see your GP becasue maybe something else is suitable for you. Could you make an appointment at all?

[Blu]

Titania - have you called your DH? C'mon sweetheart - he obviously loves you so, and so do the kids. Get him to come home and take care of you for a while?
Do any MN-er live nearby so you needn't feel so lonely this evening?

[saintshar]

Titania, you need to tackle one thing at a time. There is obviously so much going on for you atm - and you can't do it all at once.

With regards to your debt, you say you are using a debt company? Have you been to the CAB? They will contact the companies you owe money to on your behalf and try to arange much smaller payements.

I don't mind helping by phoning around for you etc if you need help. You can phone the CAB as well if you can't get there.

Let us know if there is anything we can do to help xx

[Harrizeb]

I'm so sorry everything is such a mess for you to try and cope with. No one would be better off with out you, and everything would be so sad for them if you weren't there. I think we expect so much of ourselves and there is no way that we can possibly do everything. I know this is no help and I can't offer any practical advise (wish i could) but in spite of everything your family really need you and do love you.

[nutcracker]

Ooooooh i so wish i lived nearer to you Titania then i could come round and bug you every day.

Your lovely kids would not be better off without you and you know that. You love your kids i know you do and you are a great mom. Just because Ds1 misbehaves doesn't make you a bad mother. You know the probs i have with Dd2, but you wouldn't call me a bad mother would you, because i'm not one.

If you want someone else to ring the debt place for you, i would be more than happy to do that, just let me know.

Enid - Exactly what was the point of posting that ?? Ok so you think this site is weird, well keep it to yourself.

[alicatsg]

Titania - where do you live?

[nutcracker]

Shes in shropshire

[donnie]

Titania I am very sympathetic and also agree that you should consult a Doctor to help you with your depression. It is sometimes so hard to see a way through problems....but they can be dealt with. BTW Enid what on earth does your post mean????? it sounds insulting.

[alicatsg]

damn I'm miles away.

you still there T?

[mummytosteven]

Oh Titania //[[[hugs]]

are you going thru a massive spike of anxiety at letting DS go to someone's house?

firstly - depressed mums can be good mums. there is a poster on here whose wife died and was clearly absolutely devastated by it. your family would be. it's one of the symptoms of clinical depression to feel worthless and as if you might as well just disappear off the face of the earth.

secondly - get yourself to the GP's and nag like hell for appropriate treatment - OR use the info Cod gave you on the "Oi Titania" thread to refer yourself directly to the Community Mental Health Team. They will have a far better idea on meds/treatment than your GP.

Thirdly - the money problems. can you get to the CAB (other MNetters may have ideas of other impartial FREE sources of advice/phone lines. somehow somewhere the IVA seems to have gone pearshaped. Have you been unable to keep up the monthly repayments? It might, awful as it sounds, be easier for you in the long run if you/your DH went bankrupt - but you do need good expert advice on this.

[purpleturtle]

Since Enid said she was leaving, perhaps we could all overlook her comment, and not give it any more attention than it deserved.

Titania - I'm off to make tea, but I'll be back later to see how you're going.