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Exhausted and had enough

(8 Posts)
breadline Tue 08-Mar-05 12:53:10

I think i have finally reached the end of my tether.I am having real problems sleeping and the following day I am just useless. Dh and I have finally run out of money for doing IVF tratment which we have been persuing for 5 years. i am facing the reality of never having children and therefore am at a loss as to what to do next. I had to give up my job( 5 years ago) and have been out of the employment loop for so long I have no idea where to start.Don;t even know if I can face working again. I have recently realised that all I realy wanted to do in life was to have kids and now there is this enormous black hole where my dream used to be.I feel so devestated Dh will not talk about anything and i feel so abandoned. he has thrown himself into his job as a way of paying back the money we owe( doing loads of overtime). I feel so much guilt and just want to run away as the atmosphere at home is terrible.I just don't know what to do next. Our whole marriage has been about trying for children and there is so much pain associated with it. ( IVF is a vile experience and despite all efforts to keep calm and collected I feel violated and furious at the unfairness of it all) Life just seems so empty.

amynnixmum Tue 08-Mar-05 12:55:04

It sounds as if you have a lot of love to give. I know its not the same as having children of your own but have you considered fostering?

catgirl Tue 08-Mar-05 12:57:50

I am so so sorry that you are going through this. A friend of mine was having IVF and had some great counselling through the clinic - is this an option for you?

breadline Tue 08-Mar-05 13:05:36

this sounds so pathetic, but I had a great GP I could talk to, but she died suddenly last year. I did'nt even find out until i tried to make an appointment with her.

Mirage Tue 08-Mar-05 19:49:53

Breadline,I'm sending you a hug-sounds like you need it.
Would egg share be a consideration for you?When we were facing IVF,it was the only way we could have afforded more than 1 go.

Have you visited the fertility friends website?It is very supportive & there are people there who are going through,or have been through every stage & type of fertility treatment & understand how draining it is.I think it is www.fertilityfriends.

You will get loads of support here,there are a few of us who have struggled with Infertility-it is grimmer than most people realise.

Keep posting & let us know how you are doing.

JaysMum Wed 09-Mar-05 00:25:28

Oh breadline....I know just how you are feeling. Noone can understand the feelings you get about wanting a child so badly. I lost 4 babies and each and everyone of them were so desperatly wanted. Hubby and I had 5 goes at IVF, non sucessful.
I threw myself into my career and became so adamant that I didnt want a family, but inside I was falling apart. Nothing I did filled that hole.
I needed to be a MOM.
Hubby and I nearly parted because I felt like I was a failure. I told him to find a real woman.....someone who could give him his children. He only wanted us to be happy and he knew I was so desperate to be a mother.

Hubby and I went ahead with adoption and now we have two adorable guys. The youngest is 9 tomorrow.He has been with us since he was 8 months old. They are our children and we are their Dad and Mom. We are a family and I wouldnt change anything for the world.
Please dont think that your chance to be a family is over. It isnt. There are thousands of children out there just waiting to be loved.Just waiting for a Mom.
Thinking of you.

Socci Wed 09-Mar-05 05:17:53

Message withdrawn

bathmummy Wed 09-Mar-05 07:28:30

breadline, I am so sorry that you are in such a dark place right now, you sound so miserable.
Your post instantly reminded of an old school friend of mine. She had done a few things in life and then met her DH and love of her life. She went from being career minded to being totally and utterly emerged in the domestic world of setting up a home and starting a family, After a year of trying she insisted on tests and found out that IVF was the only answer (I don’t know exactly what was wrong, just that IVF was the only was forward). She tried for several years, slowly watching their savings and their lifestyle evaporate in the name of children. IShe is naturally so very optomistic and bubbly but I watched her change into a much more serious and older woman in space of couple of years. When the money ran out (she had given up her job too) she sold her car to fund the last round of IVF but halfway there on the motorway she made DH pull into a service station and told him that she couldn’t do it any more, that she finally accepted there was no money and that they needed to stop. I will never forget that phone call from her that evening - she was grieving for quite a while.
She got a job working in Tescos on the tills which she bravely used to tell people that it amused her and gave her pocket money. I just don’t think she could face going back to her place of work and asking for job references or work there again as they all knew why she left. They left it a couple of years, managed to mend a few holes in their marriage and feel closer again. To cut a long story short, they went on to adopt two girls, have saved up enough money again and have bought a plot of land and are in the middle of building their dream home.Once the house is up and running they are going to try to adopt a boy to complete their family. She is so happy now and she adores her girls - they are very sweet, shy little things and she has made such progress with them it is just wonderful. She often talks about the dark years and always says that now she is able to look back at them, she sees it as fate and that life had bigger plans for her, that those little girls needed her.
After watching someone so close to me go through IVF, I know how heartbreaking and cruel the rollercoaster ride of treatment can be. I know that counselling helped S, so worth considering. She also had marriage counselling because the IVF quite understandably put loads of strain onto them both and they were not far from splitting up at one point.
Keep talking, get some professional help if things get too much for you both and hang in there. Life will get better if you give it some time and you will start to see ways to move forward. When I suffered depression, I found it very important to get out of the house at least once a day, I literally walked myself out of it finding the therapy of the physical walking and just thinking everything through and out of me saved me. If you have something like this it can help. I know it sounds pathetic telling you to go to the gym, or take a half hour walk every day etc. but it can work a little and give a small sense of structure for each day.
Sorry I have rambled on, just wanted you to see that people can emerge from such terrible times as you are experiencing and that you are not alone. Hugs xx

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