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how do you cope...

(9 Posts)
jabuti Tue 21-Oct-08 21:15:22

...with watching other parents treating their children poorly and not getting terribly upset? im not talking bad treatment such as in need of calling social services.

i just get so upset, i even cried today. i know there is some projection for feeling sorry for the own little girl i was one day, but the scene was sad regardless.

also, i have a 15 months old dd, and i know my maternal instincts are heightened at the moment.

does it get better over time? i dont remember being so touchy about things like this before having a baby.

if anyone can share their ideas and experiences, i will appreciate it.

exasperatedmummy Tue 21-Oct-08 21:35:19

I guess it depends on what you mean by poor treatment. In my mind if a child is being treated poorly, that warrants social services. If it is just not parenting in the same way as you would then you just have to suck it up really. You might just be witnessing someone having a really bad day. Children can push you to the absolute limits sometimes, and it is very easy to see someone else losing it and judge.

Might it be because you are worried about how you might cope with problems with DD that this upsets you? Or do you feel you had a rough time growing up, there is a sentence in your post that suggests this. If that is the case, maybe you could do with some counselling to get it out of your system.

I have to say, that i do get "cross" and feel sad when i see children getting bellowed at etc, but it doesn't really upset me as such, so your reaction does sound a little sensitised so if i were you, i would be asking myself why ( i mean this in a nice way).

jabuti Tue 21-Oct-08 21:48:32

thats how it was, she was doing something to her child that i wouldnt do to mine. like the baby crying her eyes out during soft play because she didnt know how to share a toy, and she wouldnt go over to guide the baby to another toy or cuddle.

i did therapy for 1 year and a half, and yes, it is related to my own parents leaving myself to my own device when i wanted them to support me. perhaps i should go back to counseling since now everything reemerged in a different light because of my daughter.

i think im being over sensitive. doesnt stress you when a baby is crying out and the mother thinks is best to let her get over it by herself (im really just checking if its me being oversensitive)? i found out the baby is 18 months old. i only have my daughter who is 15 months old, i dont know if that would be a proper way of dealing with a 18 months old?

and yes, i thought about the mother having a bad day. im actually trying to hold on to that idea very firmly. just the baby seemed so sweet, and very good responding to attention when i came over and gave her some. but again, she could have been driving her mom nuts before that, i wouldnt know, would i.

exasperatedmummy Wed 22-Oct-08 10:35:41

I agree with you, that the mum should have paid more attention to her child. But i can tell you something. I have been Queen Judgypants at softplay/playparks/mother and toddler groups just like you feel. I would comment to DP about it and we would sit there and berate other parents for leaving children to their own devices. Now of course, any chance i get to sit and have a natter, or just sit and drink a HOT cup of tea i grab it. So there might have been times when my child has been crying at soft play and i haven't jumped up to interact with her. Once i remember her crying and being spoken to by another parent, she started chatting away to them, they were prisoners to their small toddlers so i left them to it blush. So, i do know exactly where you are coming from.

I don't think you are being oversensitive in thinking "hey, come on, come and comfort your child" Ok, so you might be being a bit PFB about yours, i know i was but you know how the saying goes Precious first born, swaddle in cotton wool and pander to their every whim - child number four (as if!) let them eat mud, climb to the top of the climbing frame with no shoes on.

I do think there is an issue if this is genuinely upsetting you to the point you can't go ahead with your day. So yes, maybe you should have some more counselling. Really though, at the end of the day, you can only care for YOUR child. There are going to be some terrible mothers out there (sad but true) and if we fretted about all of them, we would all be on medication.

You sound like a deeply caring person. I wonder if you can utilise that in some way, drawing on your past experiences and work with children later on when your LO doesn't need mummy so much. A youth worker, something like that - you care and that is actually not a bad thing you konw.

jabuti Wed 22-Oct-08 10:51:19

thank you for sharing with me your ideas, it is so helpful! i really liked reading how you dealt with your child before, and how that may happen to me at some point when im not so precious with my first born. it is a relief for me, honestly. i do hope i get more detached from it all, its not healthy for me to feel so devastated. i realize it is a lot of projection from own childhood and a lot to do with the way i care for my own daughter, that is only one at the moment. we want to have more children. the way i see it at the moment, i will see it as a progress the day my daughter cries at soft play and i dont go running towards her immediately. you put my mind at peace

my partner said the same thing about working with children. but the reality is i cant handle it at the moment, its too close, too personal for me. i work with vulnerable adults, homeless people who are using drugs and alcohol and want to give the next step to address it. i consciously avoid the women, because most of them have children, and i cannot be direct and professional with them. i get too involved which is bad practice.

im thinking of your story in the soft play, and it is nice to know that is ok what i saw.

exasperatedmummy Wed 22-Oct-08 11:00:38

Sometimes my DD will kick off at soft play (especially if she tags onto an older child and they bugger off - she is three) and then i will go to comfort her and she will say "i don't want you mummy, go away" shock and i have to get my friend to do it - kids eh!!!

I really admire you for your job, it is not something i could do.

It is OK to be PFB, my LO is my second PFB, her sister is 18 and a right royal pain in the bum So i always tell people that i have two lots of only children

jabuti Wed 22-Oct-08 18:18:57

ha! i laughed when i read about your dd sending you away. it sounds to me that she is already showing her self-confidence smile

im feeling much better about the whole thing. i hope next time i can process it quickly enough and have a better reaction. thank you again for talking to me!

Acinonyx Thu 23-Oct-08 11:47:19

Jabuti - I was taken into care for neglect as an infant and I do tend to lose the plot soemtimes when I see parents 'neglecting' thier kids. Sometimes it's justified but extreme, but usually it's just me over-projecting and I need to chill and get some perspective.

I do some voluntary work with adopted adults, but I hope that one day, when dd is older, I might be resilient enough to do some work with kids wihtout going completely bonkers!

jabuti Thu 23-Oct-08 20:24:55

hello Acinonyx,

well done for your voluntary work! the great majority of my clients come from care, i know how hard their journey has been.

i find it a long process to get my things resolved. as i mentioned before, i've done therapy and now things are coming back because i became a parent. its all good at the end, i have that very clear in my mind, im learning about myself and life. but it is painful at times. this whole experience during soft play really affected me emotionally and im still reflecting on it. i was even getting a bit reluctant to go again next week, afraid to see something else that might kick off other memories or feelings that are hard to deal. thats why i decided to post here to get other people's view and not get stuck.

i recently read a book that i thought was very useful and im still digesting it: the drama of being a child. its short, simple, with wonderful ideas inside. you may like it as well.

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