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Am I being anti social

(4 Posts)
Linz2 Thu 09-Oct-08 11:49:57

Not sure whether I am in the right thread but here goes. Since having my DS who is nearly 3 i have become even more of a anxious/stressy person which I do not think is helped by the fact that I think there is now a link with PMS which am currently discussing with doctor for treatment, am giving agnus castus/eve primrose/st johns wort a go first before looking at anti depressants. Anyway a situation has a risen that I am getting myself in a right old state over. My DS started nursery 2 weeks ago and loves it thankfully, obviously i have a quick chat with some of the other mums whilst waiting around but one mum has already asked if myself and a couple of other mums would like to go to her house for a coffee and for the children to get to know each which was very nice I know. The thing is my son attends 3 days a week and is very sociable as is her son so they get to see each other a lot and I know she meets with other people, its just that I really don't have the time to strike up a new friendship as am struggling to keep with the old and also to have some quality on my own or just me and my son. I did go to her house this week with another lady and they were very nice but you know when you are going to click with somebody or not and I get the feeling that she wants to do it on a regular basis, but how do I let her down gently I really don't like to offend people. I do feel that my son has plenty of interaction with other children through nursery/toddler group friends still meet up with and other friends with kids so I do not feel I am denying him this time. Any advice would be really appreciated as its little things like this that get me down.

ForeverOptimistic Thu 09-Oct-08 11:54:45

Just make excuses.

I have made friends with mums from nursery and ds and I have both really benefited from the friendships. I am perhaps more anti social than they are though and I do find that I have to make excuses as they want to see more of us than I do of them. I enjoy spending time just with ds sometimes. Don't cut her off completely because you might be glad of her company but when she suggests a date to get together give her a date a couple of weeks down the line.

onthepier Thu 09-Oct-08 16:38:34

I used to have this. I'm quite sociable but do value my own time as well.

When my dd was born I stayed in touch with a few people from work, didn't really have much to do with them when we all worked for the same company but kept in touch because we were all expecting babies! Was nice to see them but they kept wanting more + more meet-ups. For instance if we met one Wednesday for coffee it would be, "Shall we do this every Wednesday, coffee in the morning, take turns at each other's houses for lunch + then soft play in the afternoon?"

There were other days too they wanted set in stone every week/fortnight but I just didn't want to do all of them. They couldn't see why, they thought as I was also at home with a baby I must be free all the time! To be honest I sometimes just wanted to go to the park or soft play just with my dd, or have a day at home sometimes! They did get the message eventually, + knew that if I wanted to get together I'd contact them, which I did regularly, just not every week!!

Just stall it if this lady keeps asking, say you'll get back to her once you know what your plans are, it worked for me!

piecesofeight Fri 10-Oct-08 09:57:26

You're not being antisocial, Linz2. I can empathise with how you feel about fitting in this regular socialising time, when you feel you're already struggling to keep on top of existing friendships.

I moved to a very close-knit, lots-of-meet-ups-going-on village a few years ago, which I though would be lovely, and clearly is for lots of the mums who live here. But I find it a bit suffocating TBH, and because my existing, pre-son friendships are important to me, I spend most of my "time with friends" time nurturing these - pub lunches, friends to stay (tonight), and going away to stay with old friends (tomorrow). If I then spent the mornings when DS is at school at coffee mornings, I think I'd feel maxed out with socialising, and as though I hadn't had enough time on my own, and getting jobs done.

So the downside (depending upon how you look at it) is that I don't really feel part of the village clique, although I continue to be invited to things, which is nice. But the upside is I do have the odd quiet morning to just enjoy my garden, or read a book, or get on top of paperwork. I need that time. I know other mums in the village who barely have a moment to themselves, because they whirl from one coffee morning to the next mums social engagement, and they clearly thrive on this. They also don't mind sticking the kids in front of the telly for hours while they're talking or organising a fundraiser for the school, etc. I mind doing this. I know it isn't me, and I do have to fight the odd "Is there something wrong with me?" feeling.

It's worth staying friendly and meeting up occasionally, and regularly with other mums you really click with, as this is an investment in possible future friendships for your DS too. But no use wearing yourself out socialising with people you mightn't choose as friends if it weren't for the fact that you have kids at the same nursery.

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