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Oh wise mumsnetters please help me - would you want to know if you were my mum?

(19 Posts)
mindalina Mon 06-Oct-08 13:32:26

Briefly: My step-dad sexually abused me while I was in my teens. I didn't tell anyone until a couple of years ago when I told DP. Am currently setting up counselling etc to help me deal with it. Mum split with exSD last year, but currently seems to be inching closer to getting back with him. She has omitted to tell me this information - it has come back to me via my dad and my brother.

If she gets back into a relationship with him, I don't think I can carry on my relationship with her. I certainly won't allow my DS to be exposed to this man (he has also threatened my 14yo db physically), but obviously it's hard to explain why to my mother.

Originally, and especially once they split, I thought it would just cause pain and sadness to tell her what happened. Now I almost feel like I'm deceiving her (which I am ofc, to a certain extent). So... if you were my mum, would you want to know about this? I can't help thinking she won't believe me and I'll lose her, but tbh at this point I feel like I am losing her anyway so don't really have a great deal to lose. Perhaps it would be kinder to just leave her in blissful ignorance and carry on my life without her? I'm ramblimg a bit, I'm sorry. I'm really grateful for any opinions.

zippitippitoes Mon 06-Oct-08 13:34:40

yes iw ould want you to tell me

WideWebWitch Mon 06-Oct-08 13:35:32

yes tell her

schwotz Mon 06-Oct-08 13:36:34

Yes I'd want to know. You will be costant in her life. Your exSD is obviously not, hence ex. Lets hope it stays that way for you. i am so sorry you've had to endure this burden. I hope you can work through it with your counselling. What does the counseller advise?

I would tell her. I would want to know.

bundle Mon 06-Oct-08 13:36:45

I would definitely want to know about something like this if it happened to my daughter, no matter how much pain it caused me.

If a man had done this to any child I know, I would not want to have a relationship with him and would feel let down if someone didn't let me know.

I'm sure you'll explore in counselling what was going on in your family when the abuse happened, including how you feel/felt about your mum as well as your stepfather. I really don't think you should try to "protect" her - your main goal should be to look after yourself.

good luck with whatever you decide to do.

misselizabethbennet Mon 06-Oct-08 13:37:04

It will be painful of course, but I think you should tell her because of the possible reconciliation with this man and what it would do to your relationship with your mum.

forevercleaning Mon 06-Oct-08 13:37:16

definitaely tell her.

I would most certainly want to know, no matter how shocking, if you were my DD.

dustystar Mon 06-Oct-08 13:38:10

Definitely tell her.

Flamebat Mon 06-Oct-08 13:38:15

it'll hurt like hell (for both of you), but she needs to know.

Just turn it around - would you want to know if it was your DS?

mindalina Mon 06-Oct-08 13:41:26

Thank you, all of you. I really appreciate your answers. I knew you'd all say this, dunno why I posted really but I think I needed to hear it. Schwotz, the counsellor hasn't really said anything yet, have only preliminary session - am joining support group so not sure when it will start.

I'm so terrified she won't believe me

Best way to do it by letter I think? I don't think I could cope with doing it face to face and it's really not a phone conversation to have is it.

Seeline Mon 06-Oct-08 13:41:38

You have to tell her. If you have a good relationship with her at the moment how can you possibly break off contact if she does get back with him without any explanation? You also need to protect your own children and any other future children in the family - yours or your brothers - she needs to know.

VeniVidiVickiQV Mon 06-Oct-08 13:43:29

Tell her.

If you'd stop seeing her anyway if she got back together with him so the risk of falling out with her over and above everything else is worth it iyswim?

dilbertina Mon 06-Oct-08 13:44:25

I have no experience of this. Bearing that in mind....

You are doing so well to force yourself to deal with this. It seems to me you are determind not to let it overshadow the rest of your life. I think maybe telling your mum is going to be part of achieving this. How else can you have an honest relationship with her? And surely best to tell her BEFORE she gets back with him.

If it was me I would want, in fact would need to know.

dustystar Mon 06-Oct-08 13:44:31

Maybe you could write it down and hand it to her to read while you are there if you think you could cope with that. A friend of mine was abused by a close friend of her step fathers when she wasa child. She was also afriad her mum and step dad wouldn't believe her if she told them which is why it took her so amny years to do it. They did beleive her and it was hard for all of them but she didn't regret it. Good luck x

mindalina Mon 06-Oct-08 13:46:02

Well that's my logic at the moment VVVQV. But I sort of think it would be easier to just drop contact rather than have her not believe me iyswim?

Much as I love her, she's a bit of aknob when it comes to this man and I wouldn't put it past her to take his word over mine.

mindalina Mon 06-Oct-08 13:48:17

I think I will start trying to write her a letter. Thank you so much. Is amazing really that I need to hear it from strangers but there we go.

bundle Mon 06-Oct-08 13:51:38

I'd discuss some strategies with your counsellor or dp

Denial is incredibly common in such situations and incredibly difficult to deal with - so it's good that you are setting up networks now to buoy yourself up.

I read this article about a woman who was married to a paedophile, a while back and it really stuck in my mind. She urges zero tolerance re: secrecy in families, after what happened to her family sad

schwotz Mon 06-Oct-08 13:54:04

I expect that is a normal worry, who will she believe. We'd all like to think it would be the child. Its is all the possibilities of her reaction, denial, anger, blaming herself for not protecting you etc. I am sure if you start the counselling, some things will become clearer> If this takes too long. I would write a letter to her and keep it in somewhere safe. Read it in a few months, if you still feel the same, send her a copy of it, or wait and see in another few months.

The thing is that it won't go away, it will only burden you when you are asked to go and visit them, or they come to you (if they get back together) and you will never be free.

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