Briefly: My step-dad sexually abused me while I was in my teens. I didn't tell anyone until a couple of years ago when I told DP. Am currently setting up counselling etc to help me deal with it. Mum split with exSD last year, but currently seems to be inching closer to getting back with him. She has omitted to tell me this information - it has come back to me via my dad and my brother.
If she gets back into a relationship with him, I don't think I can carry on my relationship with her. I certainly won't allow my DS to be exposed to this man (he has also threatened my 14yo db physically), but obviously it's hard to explain why to my mother.
Originally, and especially once they split, I thought it would just cause pain and sadness to tell her what happened. Now I almost feel like I'm deceiving her (which I am ofc, to a certain extent). So... if you were my mum, would you want to know about this? I can't help thinking she won't believe me and I'll lose her, but tbh at this point I feel like I am losing her anyway so don't really have a great deal to lose. Perhaps it would be kinder to just leave her in blissful ignorance and carry on my life without her? I'm ramblimg a bit, I'm sorry. I'm really grateful for any opinions.
Yes I'd want to know. You will be costant in her life. Your exSD is obviously not, hence ex. Lets hope it stays that way for you. i am so sorry you've had to endure this burden. I hope you can work through it with your counselling. What does the counseller advise?
I would definitely want to know about something like this if it happened to my daughter, no matter how much pain it caused me.
If a man had done this to any child I know, I would not want to have a relationship with him and would feel let down if someone didn't let me know.
I'm sure you'll explore in counselling what was going on in your family when the abuse happened, including how you feel/felt about your mum as well as your stepfather. I really don't think you should try to "protect" her - your main goal should be to look after yourself.
Thank you, all of you. I really appreciate your answers. I knew you'd all say this, dunno why I posted really but I think I needed to hear it. Schwotz, the counsellor hasn't really said anything yet, have only preliminary session - am joining support group so not sure when it will start.
I'm so terrified she won't believe me
Best way to do it by letter I think? I don't think I could cope with doing it face to face and it's really not a phone conversation to have is it.
You have to tell her. If you have a good relationship with her at the moment how can you possibly break off contact if she does get back with him without any explanation? You also need to protect your own children and any other future children in the family - yours or your brothers - she needs to know.
I have no experience of this. Bearing that in mind....
You are doing so well to force yourself to deal with this. It seems to me you are determind not to let it overshadow the rest of your life. I think maybe telling your mum is going to be part of achieving this. How else can you have an honest relationship with her? And surely best to tell her BEFORE she gets back with him.
If it was me I would want, in fact would need to know.
Maybe you could write it down and hand it to her to read while you are there if you think you could cope with that. A friend of mine was abused by a close friend of her step fathers when she wasa child. She was also afriad her mum and step dad wouldn't believe her if she told them which is why it took her so amny years to do it. They did beleive her and it was hard for all of them but she didn't regret it. Good luck x
I expect that is a normal worry, who will she believe. We'd all like to think it would be the child. Its is all the possibilities of her reaction, denial, anger, blaming herself for not protecting you etc. I am sure if you start the counselling, some things will become clearer> If this takes too long. I would write a letter to her and keep it in somewhere safe. Read it in a few months, if you still feel the same, send her a copy of it, or wait and see in another few months.
The thing is that it won't go away, it will only burden you when you are asked to go and visit them, or they come to you (if they get back together) and you will never be free.