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whats the point?

(23 Posts)
mishi1977 Wed 02-Mar-05 08:40:33

hi all
i dont usually post in this section but i have suffered severe depression and anxiety for the past 15mths. I am no longer on meds as i got pg in nov but lost baby. Was abused as a child physically mentally sexually etc etc and am just feeling really sh*t at the moment. I hav been sinking more and more since the mc but had the type of week that makes me wonder what the point is. I dont have any family so to speak apart from my dh and ds. I spent mos tof last yr being house bound but in oct decided to do something about it and now i am wishing i hadnt bothered..have been awake all night and am just feeling used and abused by most of the people around me...i have an appointment this afternoon with the clinical psychologist...usually weekly but i cancelled last week...but i really dont want to go again this week...just feel so bad and want to sh again just dont know what to do

sorry for ramblings

miam Wed 02-Mar-05 08:51:02

mishi. no great words of wisdom I'm afraid, just kind thoughts. It's little wonder you are suffering depression. Have you spoken to your doctor about how you are feeling? I know you probably don't want to go back on ADs again, but he may be able to suggest alternative counselling for you. And if going back on meds is what you need, please do it. It may help you get over this bad spell and put things back into focus again. Try to make your appt with the psychologist. They are there to help you, although it must be very difficult for you to go through. I really hope you can get the help you so desperately need. xx

mishi1977 Wed 02-Mar-05 09:32:13

thanks for the reply maim...i will try to get to appointment..i do actually also have a cpn who visits weekly and hv used to and was having regualr counselling but it all got too much so now just this one and the cpn

mishi1977 Wed 02-Mar-05 09:32:58

miam sorry

anorak Wed 02-Mar-05 09:35:48

Hi mishi, please don't give up on your treatment. Depression is a thing that comes and goes and you have your good and bad days. The trick is to watch for the signs so that you can head off your depression. If you feel yourself sliding down, that is just the time you need your psychologist the most, and when you need to rest and eat and sleep properly. With practice, you can control your depression yourself to some extent. You can choose not to put yourself in stressful situations that are not worth it.

Please don't self-harm. Try to find something therapeutic to do to replace that pattern. I don't know what, that is up to you. Have you any hobbies that relax you? When I feel down I find going into my workshop and messing around with cards and glue and scissors or doing a bit of sewing takes my mind off it. Or pottering around the garden. Or if you're not the creative sort, why not have a big bubble bath and read a bit of chick-lit, then do your eyebrows and nails. Writing poetry or a journal can be cathartic. Or wrap your family up and take them on a long relaxing walk with a cute little pub at the end of it. We do this a lot.

You say you are being used an abused by the people around you. What is this referring to? A job, or voluntary work that isn't working out? If it is making you depressed again then you need to re-think that situation and change it.

Keep in mind that you are just as deserving of a happy life as the next person. What happened to you as a child was someone else's wickedness and you don't have to punish yourself. You were an innocent child and now you are a clean woman, a loving wife and mother who can hold her head up high.

miam Wed 02-Mar-05 09:37:07

lol at maim - i try not to injure people too often you know!

Have you considered CBT? (I know I'm always bangin on about it...) There is a lot of information and threads about it on here. Mummytosteven is a mine of information, I'll see if I can find some links.

mishi1977 Wed 02-Mar-05 09:39:27

hi miam
part of the problem i have is that i was a mental health worker prior to the depression so adds to the feleings of failure even more if you know what i mean...i have some cbt from cpn but currently they are trying to deal wiht PTSD for the abuse etc.
Anorak u sound like a wise copng mechanism is to try and come online so i am kept busy...not working too well though as it generates its own problems

anorak Wed 02-Mar-05 09:42:40

What were your ambitions and dreams when you were a child? Did you want to travel? Write? Paint? Learn an instrument? Whatever it might have been, why not revive one of your heart's desires and use it to focus on. All children have dreams and aims and they get crushed by everyday life.

ladyhawk Wed 02-Mar-05 09:55:19

hi mishi
My heart goes out to you love,i was abused physically and mentally as a child so i understand i think a little of what you may be feeling.Please stay with your treatment i know its hard at the moment and you are not feeling very positive but it will help to have someone to talk to.
You are feeling used by the people around you and this seems to be reminding you of your childhood can i say that you were innocent and not to blame.
Agree with anorack you have every right to be happy,you deserve it.
I know that with me i felt thaat somehow it was my fault after all your parents are supposed to love you and if they dont then somehow i was to blame.It took me years to get over my childhood and to see that the fault was with them not me.
Please talk cry rant rave whatever you feel,just dont feel that you are alone or to blame .

Nemo1977 Wed 02-Mar-05 09:59:37

lady hawk ur comment about parents supposedly loving u hits the nail on the head
thanks ladies for the support

ladyhawk Wed 02-Mar-05 10:18:46

hope you feel better soon,take each day at a time and please feel you can talk on here.

mummytosteven Wed 02-Mar-05 10:19:08

miam - mishi probably knows more about mental health stuff than anyone else posting on here - she knows tons more than me!

It is really important that you go back to the psych, as you are no longer on meds, so the psych is effectively your only treatment. are you finding what the psych is doing isn't working for you? would you be willing to go back on meds at any point?

sometimes friendships (especially where the main way you meet is through your kids) just don't work out - just one of those things - don't take it personally - hard I know, especially if you are depressed and see everything through the filter of negativity.

i'm not going to go all out and say - don't sh whatever you do, as unfortunately that's a coping mechanism for all the crap feelings that you have - obviously it's less scary if you can manage not to - but try and keep yourself as safe as possible whatever you do.

Nemo1977 Wed 02-Mar-05 10:23:43

thanks MTS
its not just about the friendship side although yes it has upset me...its the whole thing..things have been happening all aroound and the other 'events' havent helped much.

The psychology has been extrmely hard going and reinforced by the fact that past demons have reappeared in my life. but its one of those battles i seem to be losing

ladyhawk Wed 02-Mar-05 10:38:48

you may not feel it but you are a strong person to have come through what you demons followed me for years i felt worthless and unlovable and had such a negative self image you are not losing the battle stick with the psycology.Please consider going back on meds can you talk to your gp?

ladyhawk Wed 02-Mar-05 11:02:29

nemo i have to sign off now for a while but i will check in later to see how you are ..

Nemo1977 Wed 02-Mar-05 16:22:10

thanks ladyhawk..i went to my session thanks to dh...well he dragged me and then left me in the carpark so was either go in or sit outside in the rain...its a horirble session but the lady is sure things will get better its just the waiting for it that is annoying..thoughts etc are there but will sort out in time

anorak Wed 02-Mar-05 18:11:18

You're on a journey to your happiness and these therapy sessions are places in the road that you have to go through and not around.

ladyhawk Wed 02-Mar-05 18:17:59

Glad to hear from you
you sound a little brighter

very wise man your dh,lesser of two evils eh..

saw your post on the email thread CATme we could be email buddies

george32 Wed 02-Mar-05 18:31:20

Oh Mishi, I so sorry, I had no idea you were feeling quite so bad.
Hope you don't mind me noticing & replying to you over here away from the other thread.

What with the combination of coming off meds and the m/c it is no wonder you are feeling so down.
I know my m/c has brought back feelings I thought had been resolved years ago.
My BF has continued with her meds (citilopram I think) into her p/g as the GP thought it would do her & more harm that good to come off them so it is worth having a word with your GP again to see what they can recommend.

Sending you love & {{{{hugs}}}} Mishi

Nemo1977 Wed 02-Mar-05 18:31:21

ladyhawk i have sent u a mail

Nemo1977 Wed 02-Mar-05 18:33:38

george dont mind at all hun..just doesnt seem the place to post on the ttc

I try to remain 'normal' if possible but to be honest the stuff happening lately is getting me down..anyways ds is grunting at the computer so time to

george32 Wed 02-Mar-05 18:48:52

Be kind to yourself Mishi, it sounds as though you have been going through a terrible time.

ladyhawk Wed 02-Mar-05 19:57:14

nemo i didnt get it yet
have to go now will check in the morning if not i will CATyou
is that ok??

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