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Can't see any way out of this, have never felt so low

(25 Posts)
Pawslikepaddington Tue 30-Sep-08 23:10:00

A lot has happened in my personal life this year, resulting in me feeling like a failure and becoming quite deeply depressed.

My gp doesn't believe that I am depressed so I haven't received any help, and am too embarrassed to go back again, but since August it has got so bad that I have been having suicidal fantasies at least three times a day. Have had a terrible two weeks, dd isn't having the mother she wants or deserves, and we are due to move house on Thursday, hopefully alleviating a great deal of the stress. Was told today that I need to entirely re-decorate the house or I will be charged £3,000, as I hung some pictures on the walls and they don't allow touching up, only an entire repaint of the wall. I do not have this kind of money, I am always messing up in everything I do, I cannot do anything properly, dd misses her dad, he misses her (although takes very little responsibility for her-he would forget to take her to school) and the urge to just ring him, tell him to get her and then just end it is so strong it is almost overpowering. I don't know what to do.

sheilatakeabow Tue 30-Sep-08 23:12:15

There will be people far more qualified than me along soon, but don't do anything 'silly'. A little girl needs her mum, no matter how 'useless' that mum feels she is. But, you are definitely depressed, suicidal thoughts aren't normal, so please, see your GP again, or go and see another. x x

Pawslikepaddington Tue 30-Sep-08 23:18:43

Am curled up on the sofa reading other people's threads so won't be rushing off to do anything rash, I just need to talk to someone, but now feel really pathetic even starting this!

sheilatakeabow Tue 30-Sep-08 23:27:05

It does help to get it out, especially to people who aren't directly involved. Out of interest, who told you you have to re-decorate? Is it a private landlord? Or are you selling? Surely if it's rented, that sort of thing should come out of the deposit? Sorry, focusing on the practical like the fuddy-duddy I've become

controlfreakinfreaky Tue 30-Sep-08 23:30:01

you sound very low and having suicidal thoughts so frequently is serious.

do you think you might be able to speak with the samaritans about how you're feeling? see links at op of this page...

could you see a different gp?

Pawslikepaddington Tue 30-Sep-08 23:35:28

The landlords have told me to re-decorate, and my deposit was £2,000, but they are saying the whole place needs re-doing and it is £10 per sq meter, and the place is huge. Am going to give the samaritans a ring-I'm really scared to go back to my gp incase they put dd into foster care or something. I would never harm her, or me, despite wishing that I could but can't for her sake, but what if they think I will and I never see her again?

sheilatakeabow Tue 30-Sep-08 23:37:44

No-one will put your child in care because you're depressed - we'd all have lost ours a long time ago! Seriously, give the Samaritans a go, and maybe the Citizens' Advice. This decorating lark sounds a bit dodgy, and is clearly becoming the straw that broke the camel's back. Good luck x

controlfreakinfreaky Tue 30-Sep-08 23:40:38

well done for making a positive decision re phoning samaritans...

gp cant get your dd put into care, only a court can do that... but if you do need help because you are depressed at the moment then dd needs you to get that help....

sounds like landlords are bullying you. please try not to panic. have you got anyone who could help with any painting that's needed? look at your contract to be sure what the deal is re pictures / deposits / repainting etc. call the cab for advice if you need to.

stay calm! good luck. am off to bed now. take care.

Sazisi Tue 30-Sep-08 23:42:19

GO back to your doctor. Please
We all have times when absolutely everything looks shite, but things really will look better, and you do have so much to look forward to. How old is your daughter?

Pawslikepaddington Tue 30-Sep-08 23:43:43

Thank you both. It really is the straw that broke the camel's back-that's 6 month's rent down the pan because "if you put your face on the wall and look down the wall at an angle in the morning light you can see the brush strokes from touching it up" angry. IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD, but it is the end of mine!!!! Am going to have to get some more painting done-at least it will get rid of the small hours!

Pawslikepaddington Tue 30-Sep-08 23:45:24

She's 4 1/2, and is getting less and less happy all the time-even in the past month I have noticed a change. I just feel like I am ruining her by being such a dreadful person around her.

Tortington Tue 30-Sep-08 23:48:57

you need to go back to doctore or change doctor TOMORROW>

you need to tell them the truth and not hide anything. ANYTHING.

they wont take your kids off you.

if you contact shelter to discuss your landlord - they will give you free advice

fwiw, i think you need to get hold of your original tenancy or lease and read it thoughally. Then ask shelter how to fight it - they are being gloriously unfair - as long as you "make good" any damage. they dont have a leg to stand on - i assure you

Pawslikepaddington Tue 30-Sep-08 23:55:17

Thank you custardo. I have filled in and touched up all holes, but some walls are two floors high and I just can't get that high to do the edges and stuff, so it will look worse in the end. Will go to the doctors at 9am, as I just can't feel like this any longer-it has been going on since last October, and if she won't believe me I will stand in the waiting room until somebody does!

Tortington Wed 01-Oct-08 00:01:57

for the sake of losing 2k - you should really see what options are open to you - friends family a professional?n doing the other bits

and please ring shelter - your on hold for EVERRRRRR - but they know what they are talking about and it isn't just for homeless people - dispite the message you get whilst on hold that might make you feel guilty

i work for a HA, but i have phoned them and got them tosend me stuff with their letter head - to prove to my (then) social landlord that they could go fuck themselves over something

when you wake up tomorrow -see it as the beginning

stand tall and say "fuck you world" in the mirror.
go to docs

and then get your tenancy, ring shelter and tell your LL or agency that you are seeking legal advice. ( even if you aren't)

if the worst comes to the worst - you lose your deposit - and they can come looking for the rest of the money
screw em

Pawslikepaddington Wed 01-Oct-08 00:05:03

Thanks custardo-I hate having to rent-I feel like such a second class citizen-you feel like you are not entitled to make it your home, or if you do it will cost you the earth to turn it back into the dump it was when you moved in (even though they leave it as it is!)

Tortington Wed 01-Oct-08 00:07:28

well if it was a dump when you moved in - lie and tell them you have photos.

make them shit themselves a bit

Pawslikepaddington Wed 01-Oct-08 00:28:26

Ha ha! No, it wasn't a dump when we moved in, but it is no worse now-def not £3,000 worse! So I put a few pictures up-there are plug holes left by previous tenants that have never been filled or painted-bet they charged them too and never did anything. Boo to all bad landlords! The new house really is a bit of a dump though, so there is nothing I can get charged on there, and we are keeping it for three years, so there should be some decent scope for wear and tear (as oppossed to the landlord here, who helpfully said yesterday that they"do not take wear and tear into account. All walls must be scrubbed to iradicate all marks, but not to the extent that they are made smooth, as this will incur further charges, as will all marks"!! What? I have a CHILD!

crokky Wed 01-Oct-08 00:34:06

Your DD loves you to bits, you are the most important person in her life. You are not a failure, you are her mum - whatever life throws at you.

The house - is there anyone you could ask to help you - lots of people have paint leftover from their own decorating - have you any family/friends who might help?

Pawslikepaddington Wed 01-Oct-08 00:37:31

I don't have any family nearby, but could see if some friends could help. I know I sound really pathetic but I'm worried that if it isn't done perfectly they will charge me anyway, so am worried about asking for help!

crokky Wed 01-Oct-08 00:42:44

See if your friends can help - you don't sound pathetic, it can be hard asking for help. You might feel better about this stuff if you tell them about the problem.

Tortington Wed 01-Oct-08 12:02:59

yo paws babe - hows it hangin' today!?

Pawslikepaddington Wed 01-Oct-08 12:14:10

Hey! Have nearly nearly nearly slogged through the work I have to get in today, may even be finished by lunchtime, so one weight has gone from my shoulders! Also realised that I was painting the largest and most difficult wall in the house, so all the others will be easier from now on (and the stuff gets moved out tomorrow morning, so tomorrow afternoon and all of Friday should see me finished hopefully!). Feeling much much better (although I did go and buy some boots after dropping dd off at school to boost me though blush, I figured if I'm going to have to pay them a fortune I at least deserve some nice boots first!). I love you for being their last night, I feel so much brighter and better today. xxx

Tortington Wed 01-Oct-08 12:51:33

ooooooooh how fab is that - i find shoe shopping far outweighs prozac grin

if you need anything give me a shout or cat me

onepieceoflollipop Wed 01-Oct-08 12:56:34

paws - glad to hear you are feeling a bit better than yesterday.

Ime (I am a mental health nurse) some GPs are not very understanding re depression. I would echo what a previous poster has said about trying a different GP. Also you could ask for a referral to something like a crisis team/community mental health team (whatever there is in your area). That way you should be offered an appointment to talk everything over with a mental health professional, usually a nurse or a mental health social worker. This can offer a lot of reassurance and also help you to look at solutions to how you are feeling. (not necessarily just medication)

I have worked in mental health for almost 16 years and have never seen a mother have her kids removed just for having a diagnosis of depression. Please put that out of your mind.

madmax1961 Thu 02-Oct-08 08:21:51

I have had very severe scitzo-affective disorder for 30 years. I have 2 children. Have been in hospital twice and social services have always been aware of my condition but have NEVER even visited let alone take my kids away. In fact once i asked them to take my son into care cos i was so bad and they refused so i would not worry on that score. Unless you try to kill your child i would say you would be fine.

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