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Really worried about my dh - please help!

(4 Posts)
CurlyAndSmiley Sat 27-Sep-08 15:03:49

A bit of background...

I have 2 boys. Ds1 who is 2.8 and ds2 who is just 1. When ds1 was born it took dh nearly 6 months to really bond with him but now he couldn't love him anymore and is a totally fantastic hands on dad.

Shortly after ds2 was born he admitted that he had been feeling depressed for sometime and to cut a long story short he has been seeing the doc since then for dysthymia which is a milder but more chronic and often hard to treat type of depression. He has tried drugs and cbt but nothing has had a sustained effect.

Mostly he muddles on but he has been much more low of late and we are seeing doc next week for advice.

Obviously I am concerned about him but I think we will get there with some help. What I am increasingly worried about though is his complete failure to bond with ds2. He tries to spend time with him, cuddle him and play with him and to someone who didn't know I am not sure they would spot it but he clearly doesn't have many feelings for him and openly admits that he gets frustrated and strung out when ds2 (who is a very cuddly verging on clingy affectionate little boy) is more demanding.

I wasn't initially concerned as it took a while with ds1 but I am getting increasingly worried that it will become obvious at least to ds1 that daddy doesn't really love his brother. From a more selfish point of view I find it very very upstting for both ds2 and dh that dh isn't able to love this wonderful loving little boy.

Any advice? Sorry this is long. I should just add though that we do talk openly about this but I just thought a bit of outside perspective might help.

Sorry also if I disappear for a while - dh will be back soon and I don't want him to see me posting on here. I will be back later.

BlaDeBla Sat 27-Sep-08 19:20:02

It must be very hard for both of you. It can take a long time to crack a problem, and CBT isn't anything magic. It is worth perservering with therapy - different ideas and therapists will have different things to offer and some will have nothing at all. I had some fantastic help from the Anna Freud Centre in London.

I'm sorry I don't have much practical advice - I don't know if Relate might be helpful at all? (Just thinking in terms of family dynamics etc - not necessarily current, but our parental families etc).

I do hope you find a support system that you can work with.

CurlyAndSmiley Sat 27-Sep-08 21:35:10

thanks for posting BlaDeBla.

I wasn't expecting cbt to work immediately but I have been concerned that if anything dh has taken a backwards step since starting probably about 8 months ago now. I also expected that perhaps this might happen initially (dh has lots of issues with his family and growing up that I knew he would find hard to bring up etc) but I had hoped to see something positive by now.

One of the problems is perhaps that his sessions are a bit sporadic. The therapist is only available on a Monday and because of bank holidays, her holidays, our holidays and work commitments my dh has he often goes a few weeks between sessions. Do you htink it might help to pay to have this privately and then he could make sure to have more regular sessions?

BlaDeBla Sun 28-Sep-08 09:38:39

It may be worth having a chat with your gp as they are more likely to know what therapies are available and who works in your area. It can take a while to find a therapist he trusts, along with all the other issues! It may be that CBT just isn't the right therapy for the moment, or that the therapist isn't suitable for his needs. In some ways, it's a very private and personal thing. He will get there with perserverence! Make sure you get adequate support as well. It is very draining living with someone who is depressed. ( I reckon I must have been awful when I was ill, really awful)

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