Life doesn't feel worth living any more

[WigWamBam]

I was going to change my name for this because I don't want anyone judging me, but I decided not to. If I can't post this under my own name I won't post it at all ... I may end up deleting the whole thing anyway.

I've had depression since dd was born 3.75 years ago, but have only been taking ads (Citalopram 40mg) over the last 6 months or so. I thought the ads were helping, but over the past couple of months I've had more bad days than good, and the last two episodes I've had have been really bad. I'm trying so hard to fight it, and on the surface everything seems normal to other people, but inside I'm a mess and don't know how to get out of this big, black pit that I'm at the bottom of again.

Right now I feel as low as I have ever felt, and have been having suicidal thoughts again. I sat here at 2am this morning and counted out all of the ads I have, wondering how long it would take to swallow them all - the only thing that stopped me was the fact that dh is away for a couple of days and I couldn't leave dd alone, I just couldn't do that to her. I know it's stupid and irrational, I know that it's only the depression talking and not how I really feel, but I'm so scared that one day I won't be able to see that so clearly and will do something stupid. I feel useless and worthless, and sometimes it really seems that dh and dd would be so much better off without me around.

I hate this, I hate being me, I hate living this way.

[spook]

Oh WWB. Just a quickie.Am on my way to docs but couldn't just ignore this. Sweetie-you WILL get out of this pit. You need a rethink on your medication and you need some help fast. Please please go to the doctors TODAY.
Got to go but will check in when I get back. I'm thinking about you.

[Evesmama]

i think you need to speak to someone honey...family or friends first for support then your doc.
the tabs arnt doing their job and you may need something different...try not to worry so much, im the same and have had many different tabs and even though taking them, i can still get very wobbly
please see someone love.

[coppertop]

I don't have much experience of ADs but it sounds as though you really need different ones. Please please please see your GP asap. If you ever need to talk to someone I'm only an e-mail away. xxx

[MummytoSteven]

sorry you are so feelng so bad love. do you think that your dad's illness has coincided with your trough of depression. or are you have an anxiety disorder flare up that's throwing you into depression? it is a good sign that you have insight into what's going on; as you will know from your reading, the general uselessness/worthlessness feelings, that people would be better off without are clear signs of depression. given that you have been feeling worse for months rather than days, you really do need to get back to the GP asap and review your ADs and chase a referal for CBT (I think I am right that is outstanding?)

i know when I felt really bad during PG, the one thing that got me through was that I had come through a bad episode of OCD before when I was 18, so that I could get through it again.

what helped you before when you were very depressed?

[WigWamBam]

Nothing helps. I thought the ads were doing their job but lately I've just felt distant and a bit numb, and now this again. I can't have CBT, I saw a psychiatrist who said that I didn't need it and it wouldn't be helful (costs too much money I think). I just don't know where I am or what to do, and trying to function normally is wearing me down. I'm also trying to hide it from the world which is hard.

[MummytoSteven]

okay - rephrase that - have you taken any other meds that have worked for you in taking away the depression, or have you always just been on the Citalopram.

if you can afford it, might be worth looking into having CBT privately - BTDT - expect 10 ish sessions between £35 to £50 per session. at the very least might be worth having a chat with someone who offers CBT to see what they reckon.

you definitely need to head for the GP (or things get really bad, head for A & E and demand to see the duty psych) and get them to do something with your meds at the very least - whether its up them, or change them. are you on any hormonal contraception atm - that can exacerbate depression - I had problems with depression on mini-pill.

[amynnixmum]

WWB {{{hugs}}}. The others are right please go and speak to your GP ASAP as a different dosage or different AD could make a huge difference.I'm so sorry you are feeling like thisand I think you are really brave to post under your own name. I wish I could say something to make it better but having been really depressed myself in the past I know there's nothing I can say.
Please get help - is there anyone who can be with you today?
xxx

[SPARKLER1]

WWWB - so sorry to hear you are feeling like this. I know a little of what you are feeling but personally haven't had the suicidal feelings. I have had depression too for as long as you. Started with PND but GP has told me that it must be more now as it has gone on for so long. I too am taking Citilopram but 20mg - I have found they have helped but not totally. I have a counselling appointment booked for next month.
It really sounds like you should have your medication reviewed again. Do you have an appointment to see your GP soon?
Sending you lots of hugs. xxx

[expatinscotland]

WWB,
You need to try a different med and/or dosage. This happens in treating depression more commonly than you'd think. My ex has severe depression and even now has to s/times switch meds/dosages. Go see your healthcare provider NOW. S/thing CAN be done about this. This is a disease just like hypertension or diabetes and must be managed as such. Keep us posted!

[Toothache]

WWB - I completely understand how you feel. I know that black pit very well and know how frightening it can be to have those thoughts screaming through your head. And it is the depression talking coz you KNOW that they are not better off without you!

I remember just wanting to walk out in front of a truck when DH was at work..... but couldn't leave ds. I remember sitting in the bathroom staring at Paracetamol and wondering if 20 would be enough, would it be quick etc etc.

Is there something in particular thats caused you to sink back down again? You definitely need to go back to the GP as the AD's your on are not doing the job. Everyone is here as you know and you are NOT worthless!! What MN'ers hammered into me and was that it's an illness and not your fault!

[WigWamBam]

I've never taken any other meds, I was given Prozac and Valium after dd was born but wouldn't take them because I was bfing, Citalopram is the only ad I've ever taken. I can't afford the CBT privately, even if I see the GP and ask again I know that there's a waiting list of over 2 years.

I'm not on any hormonal contraception, so can't even blame that!

I saw the GP last week who wasn't concerned that I hadn't been feeling right, just thought that I was having little blips which seem worse once the the ads kick in. I just don't want to be doing this any more.

[MummytoSteven]

i know that absolutely the last thing you feel like doing is anything resembling fighting for your rights, but you're just gonna have to get back to the docs and get thru to them how bad you are feeling, and that you need something doing now. alternative do you have a decent HV that you could get in touch with? is there another GP at the practice you could see that would be more sympathetic?

[WigWamBam]

The rational part of me knows that it's an illness just like any other, and needs treating just like any other. The irrational part of me thinks that I'm a useless loser of a headcase who the world would be none the worse off for losing.

[anorak]

Oh WWB, you poor thing, I don't want you to go on one more day like this. Go to your GP and insist on more help. Tell him/her that you have been feeling suicidal and explain that you think your ads are not the right ones for you.

You desperately need to talk. Accept counselling or psychotherapy - it can work wonders. The need to be heard is something that will drive anyone to depression if not met. Hiding it all from the world is a terrible burden. You need to try and unmask - you might find that friends and family are more sympathetic than you think they will be.

Many, many of us have been through depression and will understand. You are not alone. And depression does get better. Hang on to that thought. I know it feels like you are in a very dark place and you long for that light at the end of the tunnel, long for something to be different when you wake in the morning. It seems it never will but I promise you, that day does come when you see that light glimmering and growing in strength.

Don't have any compunction in insisting your doctor take you seriously. Depression is an illness the same as any other, we don't choose to wear it, it comes to us just like a virus or a headache and it is your doctor's job to help you manage it.

[WigWamBam]

My old HV was lovely and was a real support when I was depressed after dd was born, my new one doesn't even return telephone calls. I can't get to see my GP until Friday.

[MummytoSteven]

stay with the rational part for as long as it takes to get you to contact a health professional - GP/HV whatever.

is there anything that can distract you a little - reading, TV, Mnettering whatever to get you through the day - on days like this it really is a case of surviving day to day

don't know if you're a Harry Potter fan, but depression really is like the Dementors - throws all your worst fears back at you

[anorak]

We were thinking the same thing then - about it being an illness like any other.

Feeling useless etc is part of what the illness does to you. It makes you feel paranoid and worthless. Recognise this as a symptom and free yourself from the worry of it.

[amynnixmum]

WWB,
I found it really difficult to tell my GP just how bad things really were when i was at my lowest. Just felt that if i said the words it would all become too much and that if I started crying I might never stop. A friend of mine was just the same so she wrote down everything she was feeling,including her thoughts about suicide, and she just handed the paper over to her Gp and let them read it. She was put on a really high dose of ADs and also referred for counselling. I also had counselling when I had depression and it definately helped to talk about how I was feeling. Perhaps your GP could refer you for counselling while you are on the waiting list for CBT.

[WigWamBam]

anorak, I can't get psychotherapy, I saw a psychiatrist who reckons I don't need it, and even if I insist on it there's a waiting list of over 2 years. I can't afford to pay.

I can't unmask, I'm too frightened to do it even with dh,

[Mothernature]

What amynnixmum says, sounds good to me, write it all down and give to your GP I'm sure they can help you....You have recoginzed you need more help by posting in the first place, please wwb speak to someone in the know now your such a nice person with a wicked sense of humour I hope your back-together soon, love and hugs mothernature.

[amynnixmum]

I know you're scared but you really do need to tell DH so that he understands what it is like for you right now. As long as you keep this a secret in rl you will try to hide from it. Or if not DH a friend you can trust who can come and spend time with you.

[anorak]

You need some help, that's blatantly obvious. You need to spell it out to your GP and if he/she still doesn't listen change GPs.

You have taken the first step by telling us. That is a massive step. People are here for you and that is a start.

[amynnixmum]

Agree with Mothernature - you are great and your posts often make me lol. I hate to think of you feeling like this.

[redsky]

WWB You are NOT a hopeless headcase!!! I'm a fellow sufferer of depression and I know that horrible big black pit you are in at the moment. It seems permanent doesn't it?? But it isn't. You must get some professional help immediately -gp or hospital. Last time I got really bad dh found a website that I had to sit and read through. It was step by step instructions of different ways of thinking about things. Took me about 2 hours to get through it but I'd stopped crying by the time I got about halfway and by the end I was smiling a bit. Will try and track down the site for you.
Wish I could wave a magic wand over you to make everything better.

[wobblyknicks]

Really sorry wwb, glad you started the thread xxx

Please go and get help asap, you need the support and should have to put up with all this by yourself.

If you ever need to talk you know where we are (and you can always email me) and you won't be judged.

please please look after yourself xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx