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feel like just disappearing from my life......stupid little thing has just tipped me over the edge...

(14 Posts)
dandycandyjellybean Wed 24-Sep-08 09:50:04

I am really struggling with the thought of this atm; feel like getting in my car and driving to the neareast travel lodge and just not telling anyone. Fuck 'em all. Only the thought of my lovely ds being distressed by it is stopping me. Went back to doc last week coz I felt my head was getting worse (have not had a good year really, looking back), but it turns out I am maxed out on current meds and will need to change if I'm not coping. He did also refer me for more counselling, but that could be ages, as you can guess.

As sole carer for disabled dh and my lovely, light and joy of my life ds 2.11, nothing gets done if I don't do it. I do all housework, decorating, shopping, finances, organise, book, pack for and do all the driving on hols, basically, I am responsible for everything. It is my 20th wedding anniversary in October, and have been trying to organise something fairly memorable to celebrate, but it all just keeps going pear shaped, and to be honest, just for once in my feckin' life, I want someone else to do it; surprise me and spoil me with something wonderful. I have explained this at length to my dh, who doesn't seem to get it; he looked at some rally driving days (which I'd love to do) but told me all about them and assumed I'd just go on my own!!!!

Anyway, gave up in the end, and had to organise 2 do's; one for his cheapskate family, a buffet in a pub, and one for my loaded family, and meal at a really nice italian restaurant (it was easier than trying to find one thing that would please all). A couple who we consider to be like family have pretty much blanked the meal; gave them loads of weekends to choose before I booked it (know it's their thing coz he's Italian) but they are just busy for every weekend. Not saying they aren't, just feel a bit miffed that they couldn't have considered rearranging one of their weekend commitments; can't beleive they are all as 'once in a lifetime' as this iyswim, for what is a special occasion for us (or at least me it seems hmm).

And to cap it all yesterday, the pub phoned and said that management had decided that they couldn't cater a large buffet on a Saturday night in the run up to xmas, and so cancelled my do (18th Oct). It was the last straw. I feel like jacking the whole thing. Reading this now, it just sounds like a load of spoiled whining, but as a carer for the past 15 years, my life has totally been about everyone else except me, and just for once, I wanted someone to use this occasion to spoil me; make a fuss of me; plan something just a bit spectacular as a surprise. Sorry, stupid bloody whinge really; am just really broken by it......will sod off and stop feeling so bloody sorry for myself!

Hassled Wed 24-Sep-08 09:59:30

I can't really offer any advice - but it does seem like you have plenty of good reason to feel overwhelmed. Is there any way at all you could actually get a night in a Travelogge on your own instead of the nightmarish sounding buffet thing? WOuld any of the cheapskate family stay with your DH and DS? You need a bit of time on your own - if there's anyway that can be arranged then sod all the rest of teh arrangements and do something for yourself.

snowleopard Wed 24-Sep-08 10:00:35

You poor thing... I know that feeling of "right that's it - I've had enough!" - and I haven't got the stresses you have. I don't think you're whining. Those kinds of things can make a big difference when you're overwhelmed.

Is there any kind of respite care for DH that you could apply for? - someone on here might know more about that. Could you ask a family member to take on organising the do?

You sound like a wonderful mum to your DS btw and yes he is worth holding it all together for! I know this isn't proper medical advice but can you take 10 minutes, have a cup of tea, deep breath and remember it all doesn't matter really, you don't have to get all this stuff right every time. You're doing a lot as it is.

dandycandyjellybean Wed 24-Sep-08 10:02:05

thank crying now....kind words...

snowleopard Wed 24-Sep-08 10:17:36

<hands sbbc nice cup of tea>

Bumping for you just incase anyone knows about respite care...

Hassled Wed 24-Sep-08 10:47:01


dandycandyjellybean Wed 24-Sep-08 11:01:03

just tried a workout at the gym whilst ds is in creche, usually a lifeline, but can't seem to stop that awful tight feeling in my throat from trying to choke back the tears.

captainmummy Wed 24-Sep-08 12:13:46

Try screaming. Primal scream therapy? Find a thick cushion and release all that energy.

JFly Wed 24-Sep-08 12:25:46

You DO deserve a break, and to be made to feel special. What is your loaded family like? Are they generous? Start hinting! Or tell them what you need. You're not being at all demanding, you need this for your mental health. You need support, above all, but you also need time to yourself.

Is there anyone you can talk to in RL? Or contact your old counsellor? It sounds like you need to offload this on someone who isn't your DH. Perhaps a good friend who knows some of your other friends/family so they can "hint" to them for you. People around you need to know what you need, b/c they obviously haven't noticed it themselves. If you don't feel you can talk to them directly, then maybe a friend can for you.

If people are used to you doing everything and doing it well with a smile (even if you're feeling like shit inside and fed up) then often they think you are fine. They may just not know how hard it is for you sometimes.

dandycandyjellybean Wed 24-Sep-08 19:23:58

thanks all. It's 15 years since dh's accident, and I think that is making it worse - i have been a carer since the age of 23, we'd only been married for 5 years when the accident happened.

Loads of people always say to him how awful that his life changed so radically when he was so young (29), but mine did too. And I have said in lots of different ways over the last year to my dh about how this anniversary would be an opportunity for him to spoil me/appreciate me etc. I know it sounds up myself but for 15 years i have focused on his needs, caring for him as best as possible and because I try to anticipate much of what he needs and provide it without him having to keep asking so that he doesn't feel like such a burden, a lot of the time i don't think he realises just how much I do for him iyswim.

We have talked about this, and I even wrote him a letter to that effect (he's not a big talker) to try and get him to realise just how much I do. It affects all areas of your life; you can't scream and shout and tell the person to fuck off if you've then got to empty a wee bottle for them or give them a massage. You can't ever moan about how little they do to help you etc. and it just wears me out. He wouldn't consider respite (just like he won't go in a wheelchair to make it easier for us to have days out with ds) both of which I can undertand really. But, I am just so hurt by this missed opportunity, but at the same time I'm kicking myself for wishing for something that I suppose i always knew wouldn't happen.

He used to put himself out; he bought me a present for every letter of my name for one anniversary (pre accident) so I know he is capable of thoughts like this; and I flagged up how I felt a year in advance because I know things take a lot longer for him, but, hey ho.

Sorry, rant over. Have been to the docs and am being referred for counselling Jfly, but can't just skip the list and won't get old counsellor sadly coz she left to have a baby. Do need to offload really, but it is hard for others to understand who aren't carers. I suppose I ought to find some kind of support group, but right now I don't have the energy. Anyway, thanks so much for your posts, at least someone somewhere knows I exist.

snowleopard Wed 24-Sep-08 20:54:15

Hi again sbbc, I've found this site:

It has discussion boards as well as lots of other useful-looking stuff (but don't leave mumsnet!)

Also these - I realise you may know about some of them but just in case:

It does sound as if your DH is being unreasonable, though he may not mean to. Could it be that he has never really come to terms with it, feels guilt or shame and refuses to discuss things because of that? And perhaps because he's at such a disadvantage because of the injury, you've never felt able to insist. Somehow, you must let him know how you feel and what you need, and that he can do something to help you - the things you've mentioned for a start. If you can find a carers support group or discussion board, you may find people who can help you with that - as well as just understanding how you feel.

dandycandyjellybean Thu 25-Sep-08 14:05:39

thanks snowleopard. Am a member of my local carers organisation, but so far have only used it to access grants for adapting house. I will give my local contact a ring and see if I can access any help.

I made a throw away remark to dh at the lunchtable, whilst folding washing as ds was finishing his pudding, about how this sort of thing was frustrating (using a spare moment at the dinner table to fold washing) i.e. a mum's jobs are never ending. dh blanked this completely so I said with a smile 'but ds and I really appreciate all your hard work' - that sort of thing would make it all worthwhile you know? dh turned to ds and said 'shall we make a robot? that was we can programme it to say exactly what mummy wants?' Felt like bloody clobering him!!!!! I've come to the conclusion that what I have to do is expect nothing from anyone, that way I won't be disappointed.

Whinge over, I do realise that I need to stop craving appreciation for what I do. I'm never going to get it, and maybe it's childish to need someone else to affirm your hard work in this world.

Niecie Thu 25-Sep-08 14:34:23

I don't think you are whinging either, SBBC. I have no experience of what your life is like except that it is hard enough, sometimes, to deal with a baby who never appreciates what you do so I can't begin to imagine what it must be like looking after an adult for 15 years, knowing that it is never going to change. Babies do at least grow up.

Picking up on what Snowleopard said about your DH not having come to terms with the accident, I was wondering if he has ever had counselling and whether it would be helpful if he had some now.

I sounds to me like he is depressed too and has given up a little bit. I don't know the extent of his disablilities but does he do everything he can for himself? Does he have a focus for his day other than just getting through it. I think we all need a purpose in life, no matter how small.

Is there somebody else that you can get to speak to him? If he has some help from a friend could he organise something? Maybe he needs a bit of gentle coaxing from somebody other than you.

Congratulations on your anniversary as well. I hope it all works out for you in the end and you have a lovely time.

Starshiptrooper Thu 25-Sep-08 16:10:51

Hello - I used to be a carer for my mum so I know how stressful it is. It's the fact that there is a constant responsibility and like you say, trying to anticipate needs. You've had this responsibility for 15 years! I think you're amazing. It's exhausting and you deserve to be pampered and somebody saying to you "you are worth your weight in gold". What would happen if you got ill (or got in the car and drove off) because you need a break - your husband would need to accept support from someone else then I take it? He really needs to accept that you have needs too - maybe your carer's organisation could give you some advice? Is there a professional involved with you who could try to persuade him?

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