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Just feel like I have mucked my life up.

(8 Posts)
smurfgirl Tue 23-Sep-08 23:37:41

Long story short, been struggeling mental health wise this year, started self harming again and have been told that if I continue to cut as I do I will need plastic surgery to fix the mess.

I am a student nurse and failed my final ever placement - I made some mistakes and got so entrenched in the stress I made more and more and bascally would walk on the ward and cry. I had secured a job but have not had to let that go.

I am still waiting for the uni to decide if I can even go back to finish the course. I will probably have to see a psychologist etc. It feels like all I have done this year is been expected to reveal my heart and soul to everyone.

I also get married in three weeks and have not been able to loose the weight I wanted to because of the immense stress I have been under and to be frank I don't think my dress will actually fit (it did when I bought it) - the shop have been amazing but the facts remain that once its taken out as much as it can be if it won't zip up I can't physically wear it and I don't think it will fit when I go on Thursday so then what do I do? I have stretchmarks on my arms, a double chin. I look disgusting. I also have to face getting ready for the wedding without my mum seeing my legs and a honeymoon with huge scars on them.

I just feel like I have fucked everything up. I (and my mental health nurse) am seriously concerned about what I might do if I am told I cannot complete the course because these days I just can't seem to restrain. But then maybe that means I am unstable and shouldn't be a nurse.

I have been off for three months and I am just bored and frustrated - although have not cut. I just want to be able to finish my course and end all this horrible stress.

masalachameleon Tue 23-Sep-08 23:40:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cornsilk Tue 23-Sep-08 23:42:28

sorry to hear this smurf girl

thumbwitch Wed 24-Sep-08 00:06:14

for you smurfgirl - don't suppose going on the Slimfast thing for the next coiple of weeks will help, will it?
Perhaps the shop have a super-duper corset thingy they can tie you into that will at least let your wedding dress do up.

I realise I have addressed the least serious part of your post here but it also appears to be the most immediate concern.

You are going through a rough patch in your life, but with good bits too (getting married!) You will come out the other side - perhaps acute nursing is not the ideal profession for you as it will probably continue to be stressful, but maybe you can use the training you have gained to become an auxiliary healthcare worker, maybe an occupational therapist instead? Or perhaps become a GP practice nurse, or even switch to midwifery (if you can do that).
Sorry can't be more helpful than that but well done for not S/H'ing recently despite great stress
((((hugs)))) for you

smurfgirl Wed 24-Sep-08 00:20:00

But I managed three years without the stress and I can be an auxiliary now - I don't want to do that I want to be a nurse sad.
I am such a fucking tit.

I have got a corset so hopefully should be ok, it does zip up just the final adjustments need doing.

thumbwitch Wed 24-Sep-08 00:28:38

ok - <hard talking now> - rule 1 is to be nice to yourself. You will only do damage by puttng yourself down - a bit like the S/H but mentally/verbally rather than physically.

You have achieved more than many people in life already and you can get back on top of things - whatever it takes, whether psych counselling, drugs, meditation, colonic irrigation (to get all the shit out of your life wink), I am sure you will do your best to regain control over your life.

You have people helping you, talk to them more (if you aren't already doing so) and make sure you get as much help as you possibly can to get back on track.

In the meantime, BE NICE TO YOURSELF! Cos you're worth it...

smurfgirl Wed 24-Sep-08 00:33:39

My therapy is slowing down because its just my work stuf thats a trigger (and its not the works really its the pressure I put on myself really) and so its a waste of time until I start back because otherwise we sit and chat about my week and I ocassionally drop in that I think about killing myself if i can't go back.

Ho hum.

StudentMadwife Wed 24-Sep-08 00:47:06


I really can empathise, I used to SH in my teens and you can see what course I do now, I have put myself under incredible stress in the past 2 years(cant really post much more about my situation as it is unusual and my identity will be rumbled) and had to suddenly pull out. Ive discussed with lead and am going back in 2010.

What I was doing was way too much and putting myself almost at breaking point and now ive got nrly 2 yrs to slow down abit and treat underlying causes of some of the stress(eg ds1 behaviour problems-long story). Happy to chat some more with you about this via email if you want although not publically on here xx

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