I think I may be losing the plot - PLEASE speak sense to me.

[Dazedandconfuddled]

Firstly - regular but name changer - sorry, but necessary
I think i may be really losing it, I feel so sad and can't motivate myself to do anything. I'm looking after my DC's but feel like I'm only putting in the minimal effort.
I've been married for a long time and although I can say without a doubt that DH is a good father and an excellent partner, i'm not at all certain that I love him.
All of a sudden I feel as if I'm settling with life instead of living it. I'm also painfully aware that DH deserves better.
I've given up work to be a SAHM and feel as if I have no identity at all.
I basically feel so very very trapped by life. I feel as if I have no opportunities and that this is all there is (I know, even as I type this, that I have a lot to be grateful for but what I know in my head is stayiong put, it isn't making my heart feel any better iyswim).
I find myself escaping the monotony of life by reading and getting obsessed with the books. It is almost as if I'm living through the storylines - god, does any of this make any sense at all?
I feel as if I'm so far down this dark tunnel that my family would be better off without me. Today, I even thought about jumping under a bus (it was short lived but it scared me that I had that thought at all). I often think that if I just got in the car and drove and never came back that DH and the DC's could find someone else who would be better for them.
I've whittered on and I'm not sure if it's made sense but thank you if you've read this far.

[BlueBumedFly]

Sweetie you need to talk to someone, and not just MNers. You sound like you are really very very upset. How old are your DCs? Has this feeling increased since you gave up work? Do you think you would be happier if you worked for at least some of the time, if not in a paid job as a volunteer or similar?

DO you have a tame GP that you can speak to in confidence? I really think you need to speak to someone and get your feelings out in the open hun.

Sending you a big hug and hope someone more qualified than me comes alone to chat

[DedeGoodDeeds]

Hello Dazed, you poor love, you do sound well and truly fed up! If you are having suicidal thoughts then you really must go to see your GP and perhaps since they arent open tommorrow, that you should call a helpline. Just to speak to somebody voice/face who can connect with you if only for a short time, will immediately relieve some of your stress.

Your DC would never love anyone or need anyone as much as they love you! You are their mummy! The one who gave them life! And so you must put these ideas from your head! But do not just take my word for it, please speak to a professional! You need help to pull you from the darkness you are feeling.

Hopefully some other mnetters will be along to offer more pearls of wisdom! Much love and take care of yourself.

Dede.x

[MinaLoy]

I've been there, and as I'm sitting here reading your post, I just don't know what to say. I don't feel like you do any more (though I know I may do again) but it's hard to say what helped me out...anti-depressants, certainly. You don't say whether you've tried them. I reckon they really help, to get you onto an even keel so that you can think clearly about your life, and maybe change some things. What are your feelings about antidepressants?

[zippitippitoes]

what you say does make sense

i think you should speak to your gp

the things that worry me in your post
are wanting to disappear

disaccosiation from reality thru books

and suicidal ideation as well as the idea that you are restless re wanting to drive

mention these to your gp

this kind of turmoil can be hard to handle

[DANCESwithLordPottingtonSmythe]

I agree, you need support from other areas as well as mumsnet. the samaritans Their number is 08457 90 90 90 .
I really can't offer sage advice but I really hope someone else can. Take care of yourself.

[Dazedandconfuddled]

Thank you, I think a sign of how upset I am is that I just cried at your post - I am NOT a big crier either.
I would love to talk to someone but would be so embarrassed to go to the GP.
I put on a good front and Everyone I know thinks my life is great.
I'm also very scared that if I opened the floodgates by talking honestly then that would be the end. I don't feel like I'd ever stop crying, I'd end up divorced and never see my girls.
I'm unused to being so glum, it's frightening me.

[Dazedandconfuddled]

If I did speak to my GP then wouldn't something be put on my 'file'? Would social services be worried about me looking after my kids?
I have bad feelings about AD's, I have never taken them personally but know a couple of people who have and the effects were not great (they seemed to become 'non' people iyswim, just not themselves at all)
Ther feelings have just started to materialise and I've not been working for around a year now.
sorry if these answers are disjointed, I'm trying to answer the questions I can remember whilst sat next to DH and trying to keep it all together.
Thank you for all your kind replies. x

[BlueBumedFly]

Dazed, I do know what you mean about worrying if you do start crying you will never stop. I had this after my first marriage ended before it even started. I did go to a 'shrink' however in the guise of an NLP trainer. I did not know him from Adam and I just sat there and talked and cried an talked and cried on and on for about 6 weeks when I came to an end. I got everything out in the open in front of this stranger who was not judging or comparing, just listening. Perhaps your GP could refer you to a counciller if you just told him you were feeling very depressed?

Nobody is going to take your girls away, especially if you are seeking help to get you out of this dark place you have found yourself in.

It takes bigger person to stand up and ask for help than to shrink away and suffer in silence where you could do yourself more damage.

You are a very valuable and loved person because you are a mum. Go take a peek in your girls rooms at them sleeping and try to have a smile at how content they are?

[Dazedandconfuddled]

Thank you, what you say makes sense.
I may have to try plucking up the courage to talk to my GP because the alternative seems to be that I bury the feelings again. These feelings have happened before you see and I chose to dig a hole and pretend. Now they're back with avengence and worse than before.

[zippitippitoes]

no your children wont be taken away because you talk to your gp

you dont have to take medication either

but you do need to talk to someone in rl

[Dazedandconfuddled]

Talking would indeed be better than this 'half life' I find myself having.
On a practical note, if I do pluck up the courage, what do I say? I wouldn't even know where to begin.

[BlueBumedFly]

Can you arrange a phone call with your GP instead of seeing him/her face to face? Perhaps you could do that a bit easier?

[Dazedandconfuddled]

I don't know, I've never even thought about that possibility. Mind-you, I'm worse on the phone, I put on the phone voice and it's easier for me to pretend all is ok.

[zippitippitoes]

say what you said in your op

you can write it down and take it

but you might also want to talk to your dh or a parent/best friend

you mention giving up work

would lifestyle changes help

[BlueBumedFly]

Just read your last message.

How about, I would like to speak to you about how I am feeling but I think I am going to find it very hard to do so without getting very upset or backing out. Please can you hear me out whilst I try? I have been feeling very down and feel I have little value in my family although I know this not to be true I cannot seem to shake the feeling. This has happened before and I ignored it but now it is back and it is far worse. I don't know where to turn next but do feel I need to speak to someone. I really want this to stay confidential for the meantime please?

[zippitippitoes]

are you on your own a lot or without adult company

are you an imaginative dreamer kind of person

[Dazedandconfuddled]

Thank you both, I am making lifestyle changes and looking into getting a part time job again. I'm hoping this will also help, especially with finding an identity for myself.
Do you think my relationship with DH would improve if I spoke to soemone? I can't shift this feeling that our relationship is going nowhere and that frightens me too as there is no alternative.

[Dazedandconfuddled]

Do you know me Zippi? That is exactly right, DH works away a lot during the week and I have little adult company.

[zippitippitoes]

how old are you or how long is your relationship..is he still very much in the same loop he has been with friends work etc

do you have mood swings..sometimes feel like you cant be bothered but other times want to do stuff

or do you just see things you want to do cant muster the energy and just think tomorrow

are you washing and dressing

[zippitippitoes]

no i dont

know you

[BlueBumedFly]

I think we all go through the 'this relationship is going nowhere' stage at some time. After all, the honeymoon period only lasts for so long. Would I be correct in thinking that some of the books that you are reading have the most ideal relationships in them?

Are you still good friends with DH? I am sure you love him even if you are not sure if you are 'in love' with him? Could he be making more of an effort? Have you gotten into a bit of a rut?

I do sometimes think how I would feel if DH left me when I am especially hacked off and is scares me senseless. I do not want to be with anyone else even if the current situation is driving me to drink.

I think your whole situation would help if you spoke to someone, also part time work might help as well so you feel you have an identity instead of being 'so-and-so's Mum'

[Dazedandconfuddled]

I'm 32, we've been together for 15 years.
He has changed jobs but yes, retains the same circle of friends (albeit quite a small circle and he doesn't go out a lot).
I feel like there are things I'd like to do but I don't have the energy to do them, or the confidence. Sometimes the logistics of doing things dazes me.
I do get up and dressed, I've even been putting make up on a doing my hair this last few weeks - odd.

[Dazedandconfuddled]

BBF - yes, the books are full of idealised young relationships, I know they're fiction and that these things don't happen, or even if they did then give that fictional relationship 15 years and they too would be 'bored'!
DH is definitely a good friend and yes, we are in the rut that comes with young children I fear.

[BlueBumedFly]

I am not backing out of this just need to go and get some sleep.

Please talk to someone Dazed, zippi seems to know far better what to say than me so I would definitely listen to her.

Good luck hun, I hope that you are feeling much better very soon. xxxxxx

[Dazedandconfuddled]

Thank you BBF