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Finding the thought of an abortion so so hard

(51 Posts)
mypandasgotcrabs Sun 14-Sep-08 14:33:38

I feel so crap. Really need to talk to someone tomorrow at FPC, but in the meantime I need to get things out! I don't have any friends locally that I can talk to, they're all too wrapped up in their own stuff & if I ever have a problem it gets brushed off within 2 minutes & the conversation gets flipped back round to being about them. I have great friends from this site, but unfortunately I need a proper hug.

Had a BFP yesterday, only 2 days late, so am just under 5 weeks. Am pregnant as a result of split condoms & failed MAP. I'm a single mum, have no boyfriend, am planning on going back to uni next year, keeping this baby is just not an option.

I can't have this baby, and I need to stop thinking of it as a baby, but it's impossible to do. Just the thought of having a little one inside me makes me smile, but I can't have it. I know an abortion is the right decision, but can't help feeling that I'm going to be haunted by it for the rest of my life. Had I been stupid/naive/whatever I think it would be easier to deal with as I could hold my hands up say, "I've been an idiot, the heartbreak of an abortion will be my punishment for not being careful", but I've done everything I can to not fall pregnant, and I think that's what's making it so hard.

masalachameleon Sun 14-Sep-08 14:42:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Combustiblemelon Sun 14-Sep-08 14:45:43

I'm sorry you're having such a terrible time. Be honest with the people at the clinic about how you feel. Try to talk it out with the counsellor. You're so early that you have the time to sort out your feelings before you commit to a decision. Whether you decide to have an abortion or not, you're much more likely to feel that you made the right decision for you if you've had a chance to work through your feelings first.

sarah293 Sun 14-Sep-08 14:45:45

Message withdrawn

mypandasgotcrabs Sun 14-Sep-08 20:11:03

I would actually love to have this baby. I know uni could wait for a year, I've done that before when I had ds1. I think if this had happened in 2 months time (and was properly with this guy) I probably wouldn't even consider an abortion, I'd just deal with it. There is also the part of me that agrees with Riven in that it's obviously a determined little thing, and wants to stick around, so maybe a case of whatever will be will be, and I've done all I can to prevent a pregnacny, yet it's happened, it must be 'meant to be'.

But I still feel I can't have it now. I wish that it had been a weekday yesterday, then I could have just got straight downt he FPC & got the ball rolling straight away. I've had too much time to think about it over the weekend before I can get to speak to a counsellor about it. And too much time to get used to the idea of having a little one growing inside of me.

ManxMum Sun 14-Sep-08 20:30:32

I feel for you and am sending you a big hug!

You must do what you think is right for you and your dc's. You don't have to rush into a decision, take the time to think everything through.

If you decise to keep or not, be happy and positive with you decision.

lou031205 Sun 14-Sep-08 20:44:28

I'm really sorry to say this to you, but you said you have "too much time to think about it...and too much time to get used to the idea of having a little one growing inside me".

You have the rest of your life to think about the abortion you had. I don't say this lightly, and wouldn't normally dream of saying it, but I really think that deep down you want someone, anyone, to say that this is the worst decision you could possibly make, and that you should keep the baby.

So, I have decided it is me.

allinaheap Sun 14-Sep-08 20:58:05

Hope you don't mind me posting as I don't know you, but thought I would because I had an abortion in 2001. I had just graduated and had no job, and both me and my boyfriend at the time felt too young.

If I'm honest, it was awful, just awful. I instantly regretted it and fell into a depression for about a year - me and my boyfriend split up after a few months. I applied for a great job and got it. I realised though that it all felt a bit hollow. Once I was pregnant, that was it, everything had changed; I couldn't just have the abortion and then carry on with my plans.

7 years on, I got back together with my boyfriend and got married, and have a 1 yr old. I still regret the abortion, but to be honest I am really happy with my life now, and it is just a part of my life that I can't change. I don't now think it was 100% the wrong decision. It definately changed me as a person, but in a good way - I appreciate everything in my life so much more than before.

Sorry if that hasn't helped at all, it's a bit of a mess! But I know how you are feeling and I know how hard it is.

sarah293 Mon 15-Sep-08 08:22:12

Message withdrawn

MlleFingeot Mon 15-Sep-08 08:34:23

Oh goodness! No doubt here that you should keep it smile

but obv I can't tell you what to do...just that babies don't always come when they should and I don't think you should put yourself under the pressure of deciding whether it stays put or not.

I deferred the decision when it happened to me, rolled with nature, had baby...who is now 1 - yes the plans got changed, but so bloody what? It's a baby! That's a bit better than most other things that can happen to you grin

The way I look at it now is that there are two ways you can go. In one parallel universe, you've got a baby, it's a bit inconvenient but brings a lifetime of amazing stuff and a whole new person to love.

In the other universe, you've got rid of something alive, that could have been wonderful, and you'll never know that person iyswim. I feel sure that if I had had an abortion when everyone told me to 9including myself!) I would have gotten into a place where life was not worth living, for me anyway. Not everyone feels like that. But my instinct like yours was to smile and in the end I let my heart rule and ignored my head. (my head got itself round the situation eventually!)

Neither choice is without difficulty in one way or another, but one choice is without sadness.

MlleFingeot Mon 15-Sep-08 08:35:27

Mind you I do everything in quite a passive way - shopping is done when things are on offer, children appear when nature decides wink

i don;t like to make decisions...grin

mylittlesubatomicparticle Mon 15-Sep-08 08:43:00

There is no rush. Ther eis loads of time to talk. I'm not saying don't have an abortion - but don't have one whilst you feel like this. Maybe in a few weeks things will have changed - you'll either feel like you are certain, or that you'll feel like you will make changes and cope. Or you might find adoption feels like a better course than either of the ones discussed. I'm not trying to suggest I know what's right for you - but I do know snap decisions can haunt you for a lifetime.

MlleFingeot Mon 15-Sep-08 08:48:15

Yes...I agree. I was nowhere near a decision at any point, myself - my mind would not settle on anything. So I gave up and just did nothing! I'm really glad about that now.

Bridie3 Mon 15-Sep-08 08:49:56

I'm going to say it.

Don't have the abortion.

If you decide later on in pregnancy that you don't want the baby there'll be a family out there who'll be longing to adopt it. Not an easy choice, either, I know. But perhaps less final than abortion.

sadmemories Mon 15-Sep-08 09:04:54

I had an abortion under virtually the same circumstances as you 15 years ago and can only give my perspective. It has haunted me constantly and I am torn between feeling I made the right decision at the time and regretting it with every fibre of my body. The relationship was over and the man in question was a twonk. I had it very early in the pregnancy.
Everybody said at the time it was a decision I had to make on my own and whatever the advice you get, it is sadly very true. If ultimately you stick with what seems to be your gut feeling then it is still possible to keep the memory of that unborn LO in the things that you do and how you go on to live your life, albeit with sadness at times.

So i find it hard to give advice but I feel an enormous amount of sympathy and wish you all the support you need at what is going to be a really tough time one way or another.

I hope you will accept a <<hug>> from a well meaning stranger

behappy69 Mon 15-Sep-08 10:32:24

Just wanted to add my personal expereince which rather goes against the flow.

I had an abortion 3 years ago because the thought of having the baby was making me terribly depressed and unwell. I don't think I am cold or unfeeling but I have never regretted the decision. We had a baby about 1 1/2 years later when everything was more stable.

I made several appointments and cancelled them, becuase I had to work things through in my own mind but when I did go I was ready and it was absolutely the right decision for me. You have plenty of time to decide, Talk to the counsellors at the clinic, they are experienced in understanding how women facing an abortion feel and are not at all judgemental. all the best and loads of hugs.

unhappy Mon 15-Sep-08 13:33:39

mypandasgotcrabs - dont let anyone pressure you either way - its your life - good luck in the decision you make - we all made good and bad decisions every day and sometimes we regret the decisions but we still live on - take care xx

lochlanfaidesmummy Mon 15-Sep-08 14:06:17

panda, please contact me, am going through the exact same thing. the decision is tough as all hell. but you need to make the right one for you and our life.
my email is

OneLieIn Mon 15-Sep-08 14:08:11

mypandasgotcrabs - noone on here should be making any calls about what you should do. it is a tough decision and only you can make it based on what you are feeling and what you will feel. Some of the posters will try and convince you one way or the other, listen to your heart, not to them.

Lots of love to you.

Rhubarb Mon 15-Sep-08 14:19:05

I think you do want to keep this baby. If that's the case, an abortion could be disasterous for your mental health.

You need to sit down and do some calculations. Contact SureStart and HomeStart to see what help they can offer, such as childcare so you can go back to Uni, help with financial issues, etc. You say you have friends, would they rally round and help you out too? Would they be sympathetic?

How about the father - do you know who he is? Do you think he might be interested in sharing childcare?

Write down all the possible problems you may face in keeping the baby, then see if you can't come up with possible solutions to those problems, or at least organisations that might be able to help you come to a solution.

It's also worth looking into funding for Uni. Some charities offer one-off payments for students if you fit their criteria. So for example someone may have set up a Trust Fund to help single parents get into Uni and if you contact them, they might be able to offer you a lump sum or anything between £50 and £500. I'll Google in a bit to see what I can find.

Accidents happen. My first baby was the result of a disappearing condom, I'd only just come off the pill because it was making me depressed, so I didn't think one measly accident would result in a pregnancy. I was married but had just finished my degree and we were planning to travel the world. I was devastated when I found out I was pregnant. So bad that it turned into ante-natal depression and I needed professional help. But we coped and now have 2 children. Life may well have been different would them, but I wouldn't change what we have now. We are all happy and that's all that counts. I may not have the high-flying career I always dreamed of, but I do have the love of my children which is much more important.

And don't forget that you have friends on Mumsnet who will help and support you every step of the way.

Best of luck x

Rhubarb Mon 15-Sep-08 14:21:49

Ask your Uni about Access to Learning Funds.

mypandasgotcrabs Mon 15-Sep-08 20:53:22

Thank you so very much to everyone who has shared their own experiences. I will probably read them all over & over for the next week at least.

I'm unable to see anyone until next Tuesday, which I'm going to find really hard as it gives me so much more time to get attached to the baby. Even privately the earliest I could get in for a consultation was Monday.

My heart - as I think anybody can read from my posts - says keep it, I'll manage. My head, is saying I can't keep it. Atm heart and head are neck & neck, occasionally one edges ahead, but then the other will take the lead again.

On a practical note re uni, I could defer for a year, wouldn't be too much bother, when I went down there to get info a few months back they gave me a lot of litereature about being a mature student, and they offer lots of bursarys/grants etc to help single parents into education and from the case studies that they have I would actually be better off financially than I am now currently working!

The dad - I've had a few dates with him over the last few weeks, nothing serious, although I do like him, not sure what he's after though, a bit of fun or looking for something a little more serious? Really don't know him well enough to know what his reaction would be if I was to decide to continue witht he pregnancy.

Thank you all again, most of the stuff here, I'm just writing it down, clearing a bit of space inside my head! grin

Rhubarb Mon 15-Sep-08 21:12:05

Why not give him a chance? After all, accidents happen and he should really offer support. He may turn away, in which case you've saved yourself the agony of falling for someone who isn't worthy of your attentions. Or he may turn out to be incredibly supportive, which would be wonderful!

Allow him some space to get over the shock, but I do think you should tell him just to give him that chance.

Who knows where life will lead. It will be different to the one planned in your head, but who's to say that it won't be better?

However this advice is rather one-sided which I'm aware of. Only you know what you could do. I would only say that life is too short for regrets and you should never live your life looking over your shoulder. If you think you'll regret not starting Uni then you need to weigh that up with how much you'll regret not keeping the baby. As you said, you can start Uni another time, but the decision regarding the pregnancy is final, so you need to be fairly sure in your mind.

Please do talk to those around you, those who know you best. We don't know you and can only advice on what we feel is the right thing to do. But your family, your friends, they know you and will able to help you come to the right decision, the right one for YOU.

Best of luck x

Pegdoll Mon 15-Sep-08 21:49:53

I had an abortion a few years back (in my case the abortion pill, which could be taken up to 9 wks pg). Whilst I sometimes think about it sadly, I can't say I have regretted it per se. I have never hankered after that baby as such.

When I found out I was pg, I was so shocked and horrified literally the first thing I wanted to do was ring up a clinic, go down that day and have the procedure done and over with. I was completely and totally in shock. Horrified. In the event I waited 3 weeks as I wanted to ensure I wasn't making a panic decision. The fact I still felt the same way three weeks on cemented my decision to go through with it.

I didn't feel attached during that time (probably made easier by the fact I had few symptoms) so it was more possible to be neutral.

In that three week space, I did a lot of thinking, a lot of considering pro's and con's. I rang up and spoke to counsellors over the phone, the Samaritans, everyone "neutral" I could during that time etc - and when I found myself preferring to defend why I should have an abortion over why I should keep the baby I knew I had thought it through as much as I could. My reaction to people's suggestions told me more about my inner feelings than anything else.

I couldn't have thought it through any harder, which is why I think I haven't suffered mentally more than I did. Whenever I have a "sad" moment about it I have the comfort and mental safety net that I made the best and most considered decision I could at that time, so I don't ponder my decision now because I did all the pondering before. I am convinced this is what saved me from any mental torture afterwards. It would work the same way if I had had that baby, I would have known that I had thought through the alternatives so even if life had been hard, I knew that I had thoroughly chosen my path and couldn't have it both ways, as it were.

This is only my experience. Either way, thoughts and best wishes to you at what I know is a confusing and difficult time.

mypandasgotcrabs Mon 15-Sep-08 21:50:31

Thanks Rhubarb, you're right, I really should speak to family about it. I think my mum wouldn't understand (I revert to a teenager around my parents!), but I forget she's been there, done that all before me. Been a single parent, then had my brother less than 9 months after meeting my dad! (He was a few weeks early) So she will understand, just got to remind myself of that.

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