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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Mental health

Me again

52 replies

Beauregard · 13/09/2008 20:53

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Beauregard · 13/09/2008 20:54

My throat feels like it is closing and i havent stopped crying all afternoon.

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Threadwworm · 13/09/2008 21:05

Really sorry that you are feeling low. Has anything in particular brought it on?

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wiggleit · 13/09/2008 21:07

Hello there pfnm...What's up babe? Why you crying? x

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Beauregard · 13/09/2008 21:11

I took the dd's(6 and 2) to a party at lunchtime and one of the moms made a comment about dd2's height(she is tall 96cm and size 9 shoe) and its really upset me.I am terrified for my dd's especially dd2
My poor sweet baby is only 2.8 and is already being judged and ridiculed.This is one of many comments i get and i dont think i can stand anymore.That is why i have so much self hatred you see because my height was always commented on and it made me this way.There were other children there who have just started school and she was as tall as them.

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IMNthereforeIjudge · 13/09/2008 21:12

Sorry PNM I have these attacks often ,try and tell yourself you are having a panic attack I know it sounds silly but telling yourself what it is works also try and stand by an open door or window for a while fresh air helps .

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Beauregard · 13/09/2008 21:15

I should be used to these panic attacks by now.
Mind you i never got used to feeling like a freak either.

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Threadwworm · 13/09/2008 21:15

I'm really sorry that this has made you feel bad. I can understand that since it was a sensitive point for you as you grew up, you feel very protective about your daughter in this respect.

It is so irritating when you hear the same comments again and again, even if in themselves they are neutral.

My sister in law is a beautiful, striking woman of well over 6ft, and her daughter had these sorts of comments. But it hasn't made thm unhappy. Perhaps your daughter won't be as upset by them as you fear?

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wiggleit · 13/09/2008 21:16

That's so hard for you to deal with hun. Don't let other people's insensitivity bring you down, rise above it...i know it's easy to say and i do appreciate how hard this is for you.

Your DD2 will probably end up being a supermodel. xx

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Beauregard · 13/09/2008 21:17

She will always be treated differently by everyone and i know the comments will increase when she starts school .She wont start for another 2 years so by then she will be even larger.God i cant protect her and i dont know what to do?

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wiggleit · 13/09/2008 21:18

I've suffered from panic attacks for years so i understand the 'closing throat' feeling..awful.

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Threadwworm · 13/09/2008 21:21

My DS2 was incredibly small for his age until recently, and her was the youngest in his class when starting school. I dod worry that he would be upset by comments, but he wasn't at all. Children can cope well with these sorts of things. It might well not be as bad as you fear. If you are feeling low you will be imagining worst-case scenarios.

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Beauregard · 13/09/2008 21:25

Maybe i should look at home schooling them?
They wouldnt be subjected to this shit then.

Honestly if i could give her something to slow her growth then i would.That is why i feel helpless because there is nothing i can do except remove her from situations.

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captainmummy · 13/09/2008 21:25

Why is it that boys are lauded for being tall but girls are not? My boys are all pretty small for their ages, and it used to worry me, but it's all horses for courses.

And models HAVE to be over 6 foot!

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Beauregard · 13/09/2008 21:29

What makes it worse is that she wont potty train so is still in pull ups.

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Beauregard · 13/09/2008 21:33

If i get one more comment i think i will respond with "Yes i am going to charge for the freak show"

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Majeika · 13/09/2008 21:38

But PFNM there is nothing you can do about her height.

nothing

so why not come up with some comments that detract from her height and make her feel confident about herself.

'Thanks. She is tall isnt she? That is why she is going to play basket ball when she is older.'

'Yes she is. Thanks for noticing. She will be in Britain's next Top Model.'

You do not want her to have so many insecurities about herself as you have. You cannot protect her from everything and to Homeschool will not help.

I dont want to be insensitive but you need to sort this out in your own head before you pass it on to her and make her feel bad for being tall.

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Majeika · 14/09/2008 07:57

sorry - I killed the thread

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Threadwworm · 14/09/2008 08:37

Like Majeika I don't want to be insensitive, but I agree with her that your own negative attitude to her height is more likely to be damaging than these comments you hear. If you respond with remarks like 'Thanks for the compliment' when you hear these irritating comments you will help her to feel that her height is fine.

It does seem a little that your anxiety about her height is your depression talking. (I do sympathise with how sensitive you were made to feel about your height, and how it contributed to depression/low self-esteem)

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Littlefish · 14/09/2008 08:41

PFNM - My sister was also incredibly tall. She's now 6ft 2. The thing that made a difference was having parents who were also tall, and at ease with it. It meant that she grew up knowing that it was a positive thing and had great benefits!

Yes, of course there were times when she hated it - particularly about the age of 14 when she was inches and inches taller than all the boys but she used her height to her advantage in sport (got a place on a National Junior team).

She then went on to be a model (proper cat walk, Paris fashion show stuff).

I agree with Majeika, this is something that you need to sort out in your head, with support if necessary. Your daughter's height is something you just can't do anything about.

I have talked to friends about their and my child's height, but it is neither judgement or ridicule, it's just a conversation - the same way as I would talk about children's hair, or food preferences, or playing style. Maybe this mum was just trying to find a way of starting conversation with you. I know that this strikes back at your feelings as a child/young woman, but your reaction to this is as that child. You are no longer a child, you are a mother with beautiful children who will end up (like you), with legs up to their armpits! I always envy your tall, willowy gorgeousness when I see you

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Majeika · 14/09/2008 08:52

do you know Pelvic, Littlefish?

Is she ok?

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Littlefish · 14/09/2008 13:51

I've met her a couple of times at meet-ups Majeika. She lives locally but I don't have her phone number. I'll try sending her an e-mail to check up on her.

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Beauregard · 14/09/2008 21:26

Hi im back
Had to leave thread last night as i was too drained to reply.
Thanks for the replies.

Today i managed to stop crying long enough to visit TurkishDeelite to have some family photos taken ,we dont have any of us all as dp and i are camera shy.We actually enjoyed it and Turkish was lovely too.

dd1 said something quite poignant (sp?) today.

"Mom theres something wrong with you today because you have been happy and usually you cry.I think you have been happy because we have been to other peoples houses and you dont want them to know that you always cry"

I am not sure how i can ever get over my height issues tbh ?I dont want to be this way but i just am.And yes it does add to me be depressed.I guess my biggest fear is that my dds will end up like me.

Thanks for referring to me as willowy/ gorgeous littlefish i will drop the money round to you

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Littlefish · 14/09/2008 21:41

Turkish is lovely, isn't she! I must phone her and arrange to go and have some photos taken too.

I know that you have suffered from depression for some time PFNM. What sort of treatment have you had for it?

I've been thinking about this thread today and wonder even more whether the mum was just trying to make conversation. I know that if I was trying to start talking to someone I didn't know well, I would probably talk about their child - along the lines of...

Hasn't your dd got beautiful hair...
Where did you get your ds's sweatshirt...
Your dd's very tall isn't she - are you and your dh both tall..
etc
etc
etc

It really would be judgemental - and I certainly wouldn't be able to know that the other person was sensitive about their child's hair colour/shop choices/height.

Also, if I talk about a child's height, it's always in a very positive way. I love being tall (5ft 9) and see it as a really attractive feature.

And yes, PFNM - you really are willowy and gorgeous!

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Littlefish · 14/09/2008 21:45

I wanted to put this in a separate post so you could read it, or not read it! I absolutely do not want you to beat yourself up about what I'm going to say. However, if you want to talk to me about it more, or offline, then I'm really happy to do so.

I am the child of a mother who suffered for most of my life with depression/eating disorders. Her depression affected me quite badly as it made her emotionally unavailable. I blamed myself for her being sad or away (she spent a considerable amount of time in psychiatric hospitals).

I would urge you to consider re-starting any treatment you've had in the past, be it counselling, psychotherapy, CBT etc. Even if it hasn't worked in the past, it might work this time.

I'm so sorry if that's hard to hear. I don't mean to upset you. I just know how much you care about your children. I know that you are doing your best to protect them from your illness, but your dd is obviously old enough to pick up on it.

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Littlefish · 14/09/2008 21:48

Oh god, that sentence was supposed to say "It really wouldn't be judgemental...

Talk about putting your foot in it!