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my mother and baby group :-(

(53 Posts)
dejags Wed 23-Feb-05 10:15:30

I went this morning and feel so crappy now. Really I don't know why I bother

My DS2 is a big bonny baby, he has reflux and he is quite advanced i.e. rolled backward and forward confidently by 3 months old. He is not breastfed because I have had a breast reduction.

This morning I have had to endure:

Wow bet you won't manage this exercise (lifting your baby above your head) - he is just TOO fat!

If you breastfed your baby he wouldn't be so fat and you would lose weight quicker

What are you feeding that child, he is HUGE!!

Why are some mums so smug that they feel they get it all perfect all the time? A few in particular go on an on about how they breastfeed with no problems, have an angel baby who sleeps through the night and who is the perfect weight and doesn't have reflux. They look at me as if they feel sorry for me and it makes me so bloody sad and angry at the same time .

Sorry to rant I just need to get it off my chest.

Oh and to add insult to injury after sitting through all the comments we were forced to endure a Tupperware demonstration during the free time (probably a good thing as I may have got snippy with one of the perfect mums).

galaxy Wed 23-Feb-05 10:17:19

They sound like a jumped up bunch of sad women and you are a much nicer person than them. Don't let it get to you and just satisfy yourself in the knowledge that you wont ever be an arrogant tosser like they all are

dejags Wed 23-Feb-05 10:18:36

cheers Galaxy - I'll do my best to ignore them for the remaining classes this term. I definitely will not be signing up for another term. Worst of all I actually pay a lot of money to sit and listen to their drivel

Bouj Wed 23-Feb-05 10:18:45

God, you poor thing. That't awful. They are probably reacting like that because they are less than happy. But it's no excuse. There is this horrible rivalry between women when it comes to babies - instead of banding together there seems to be a need to attack to feel better instantly.. Sorry that you had to encounter this, and they are all probably jealous that your DS2 is more advanced (and undoubtedly cuter!!)

lockets Wed 23-Feb-05 10:19:48

Message withdrawn

cazzybabs Wed 23-Feb-05 10:20:02

what bitches. they are just trying to belittle you because for some reason they feel the need to try and be superior to you

dejags Wed 23-Feb-05 10:22:12

It's hard because I don't feel confident enough to tell strangers about my surgery (although I'll happy announce it to the www ). So they assume that I don't breastfeed because I cant be bothered.

DS is very chubby but he is a sweet little chap who smiles a lot - certainly not perfect but I adore him. I am actually on the verge of tears as I type. I keep repeating to myself that I am not a bad mum.

CountessDracula Wed 23-Feb-05 10:23:13

I find that a quick "shove it up your arse" comment usually does the trick

oliveoil Wed 23-Feb-05 10:23:18

Oh dear . I think some mums have a competitive gene implanted at birth, but they are usually the ones who can't ask for help when they need it as they have built up this 'perfect' image.

Don't let them get you down, search out the fun mums, usually alerted by the cackles of laughter in the corner of the room.


lockets Wed 23-Feb-05 10:23:34

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland Wed 23-Feb-05 10:24:30

Why? B/c they're insecure, small and unhappy.

Rise above, rise above. Kill with kindness, 'How lovely for you! Isn't it wonderful we live in a place where all of us are free to be different?'

oliveoil Wed 23-Feb-05 10:25:47

Also, why should you have to justify the fact that you didn't breastfeed? I b/f dd1 but hated feeding dd2 but she wouldn't have a bottle till 4 months so I had to carry on 'against my will' if you like. When people asked my why I had stopped I said "cos I hated it" and got a 50/50 shocked/me too response back.

dejags Wed 23-Feb-05 10:26:39

sorry I know there have been a million of these threads on MN - I can't figure out why this bitchy competetiveness is so common though. We all think our babies are perfect but not to the exclusion of all others. I wonder what they would say if they knew how I felt when I left.

lockets Wed 23-Feb-05 10:27:36

Message withdrawn

dejags Wed 23-Feb-05 10:28:09

I had such bad PND after DS1 was born and managed to sail through after DS2 arrived - until today. I feel so bloody sad.

dejags Wed 23-Feb-05 10:28:52

I am a terminal wuss Lockets, would never have the nerve. I'll just not go back next term.

oliveoil Wed 23-Feb-05 10:32:28

Definitely go back! GO BACK GO BACK GO BACK.

I moved to a new area and didn't know anyone and found some nice people at my group.


Fimbo Wed 23-Feb-05 10:33:59

I am a bit of a wuss myself Dejags and I wouldn't be able to say anything either. Who is the group run by? My HV runs our local one and gave us background information on one mum who had previously lost a baby through meningitis (the mum had asked the HV to tell us) that way the other mums knew not to ask the usual "is this your first baby then" questions etc..

jangly Wed 23-Feb-05 10:37:17

Hope you have a nice rest-of-the-day Dejags. TBH I don't think its worth putting yourself through that. Can you find somewhere nicer? Cheer up now. x

lunavix Wed 23-Feb-05 10:39:54


Argh I feel for you here. Ds (10 months) is probably between 24 and 25lb, so he's larger than all his friends and I am SO SO sick of the 'wow he's a BIG BOY' comments. I've even had it off a HV who called him a porker. (I went a bit red haze at that )

Just ignore them, if it doesn't get better find a new group, which is what I did. Ds is exactly the size his uncle was at the same age. His uncle is now 19, 6 foot 3 and as thin as a rake. I've really given up worrying.

Gwenick Wed 23-Feb-05 10:41:05

aww - stupid women. Just wait until he's walking and turns into a , tall, well built fellow - while all of their are fat little gits being fed on junk food.

Are there any other mum's and toddler groups in your area? I've been lucky, so far, in that both towns I've lived in with a toddler (or two LOL) in tow have had more toddler groups than I could attend, and after a while of trying different ones found other mum's I was comfortable with.

Don't worry about the BF, I bf my first, but my 2nd was BF from 5 days old, I probably 'could' have done it if I'd really persevered, but quite frankly was already upset that he was unhappy as my milk wasn't letting down and that I wasn't finding it as 'natural' as when I'd BF my first. Felt AWFUL for a few weeks and then thought - sod 'em - he's happy I was happy, I've not had to try and arrange my church organist role around BF my son and he's as happy (and chubby) as his brother was.

Oh and as for 'losing weight' and 'fat babies' with Breastfeeding, completel codswallop - didn't lose ANY weight while BF DS1, and he was a fat little thing (you wouldn't know it now - tall and slim - sometimes think his trousers are going to fall off LOL)

stripey Wed 23-Feb-05 10:41:49

How horrible. Try to ignore them as much as you can. If they are making you feel that bad though I would cut my losses and not go back - life is too short to put up with that, why should you?

I am sure you will find nicer people to spend time with in the future.

foxinsocks Wed 23-Feb-05 10:42:34

oh I'm sorry dejags

My first child had dreadful reflux and used to scream blue murder all day every day for around the first 8 months of her life. Then I had no.2, who from 4 months to about 18 months (till he could walk confidently) was so miserable (he also had reflux) that all he did was cry through frustration that he couldn't do what the toddlers were doing at these groups.

People used to ask me 'what is wrong with your children?' 'why are they miserable all the time?' and in fact, one actually asked me if I had a social worker because I obviously had really unhappy children.

You must rise above it!! It used to make me miserable at first but I moved playgroups a few times until I found one with fantastic people (happened to be a church one) who used to cart mine off if they cried so I could have a cup of coffee and a rest. I'll never forget their kindness. Believe me, there are some nice people out there - you just have to look a bit harder for them!

oliveoil Wed 23-Feb-05 10:43:03

Final point from me as dd2 has awoken from her slumber, I sometimes say that babies are fat but I don't mean it in a negative way, maybe the remarks where not meant to hurt? I am always calling dd2 a 'big fatty' when she gets weighed (6 months and 19lb 7oz)

zippy539 Wed 23-Feb-05 10:43:11

Dejags - how horrible. Are most of them first time Mums? I just wonder if they are just a bit insecure because you know what you're doing? (No offensive to any new Mums - but when I had ds I looked on second/third timers as consumate professionals who were completely invulnerable and probably said some really stupid things to them out of my own insecurity).

I really don't think people are aware that comments regarding a baby's size can be hurtful - but the breast feeding comment is just completely inane. I would just sit back and wait for that particularly smug/ignorant character to get her commupance - which she undoubtably will.

I couldn't breast feed either of mine and it did make me sensitive to comments about feeding/size etc. I kind of wish now that I had made some outrageous comment back which would have shut them up and hopefully stopped them inflicting more of the same on other hapless Mums. If you can think of something suitable, let them have it. Like you said, you're not planning on going back next term . Please don't let other people's ignorance spoil this time with your DS.

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