Worried about my husband

[citybranch]

Hi

I'm worried about my husband's mental health. Life has not been too kind recently. DH has children from a previous relationship and the eldest was diagnosed with leukaemia 6 weeks ago. We are devastated. Recently, my father attempted suicide & we had a miscarriage so were already quite low. DH got special leave from work and spent all day, every day at great ormond street by his son's side, until son was allowed home. We have negotiated with our companies to get every friday off (working weekend day to make up for it) so that DH can take his son to gt ormond st for treatment. We will also have the children every other wkend as usual. We have our own toddler together, and one of us works early shifts and the other works lates so he is looked after, so as you can imagine this is now getting complicated!
Our companies have been understanding but as the patient does not live with us there is only so much you can ask for.
DH is now on annual leave and for the last 2 weeks we have had all children over for 4 days a week (in our tiny flat). We have been receiving very nasty texts from DHs ex because she now wants us to have the ill son on thursdays too, so she doesn't have to drop a day from her part time job (4 hours). Our work can't accomodate this unless DH loses pay, and we cannot afford to lose pay (also the ex doesnt want us to lose pay because her maintenance will be reduced. she says she has family willing to look after the son for 4 hours but she wants us to do it. Every time we have looked after him in the last few weeks we have got nasty texts afterwards saying that we were cruel to him by taking him to a shop (he was happy to pop out to the shop, & we needed food for him!) Now she is saying we are lying about not being able to do thursdays, because she knows someone at HR at DHs company who says so. She also knows when all DHs annual leave is because she knows someone else at DH's work. We have racked or brains and we dont know who she knows. DH feels he can no longer trust ANYONE at work because someone is letting her know personal info. This is relentless. We can do nothing right. DH just wants to concentrate on getting his son well and doing what we can to help. He drinks every day, snaps at the smallest thing, baerly sleeps, eats the odd slice of bread unless i make him eat more. He has shaved his hair very short & has the look of a psycho...he is heading for a breakdown and i cannot help this situation. What can i do?

[yousaidit]

I can't even think of how to help, but i'm bumping this so hopefully someone sees it good luck to you all x

[jamescagney]

citybranch, so sorry for what you and dh are going through. Clearly you know what and who much you both can and can't do, speak to each other about this and agree on your limits. The issue about HR is concerning but given the problems that your family have right now, I wouldn't even attempt to address it until things improve. Obviously, your stepson's Mum is really pressured too. Is there anyway you could meet and support each other? Idealistic, I know, but what everyone needs is support now. Both you and you dh need to stay well for each other and those who depend on you, make this a priority. Promise to speak to each other if concerned and maybe chat to GP.., hth
God bless

[blinks]

you can get him along to his GP...make a double appointment and go with him. He needs support, possibly counselling to deal with this.

you could also arrange to meet face to face with his ex to explain how he is struggling to cope and in order for his and her son to receive the best support from them, you all need to work out a strategy to best deal with the illness.

you can speak to staff and other parents at GOS to ask for advise and support.

deal with the work thing later- it's not of immediate importance.

speak to all your friends about it and make sure you have opportunities to vent yourself, away from DH.

I sincerely hope this situation improves... try to stay positive.

[citybranch]

Thanks for your messages.
I don't think the ex will ever agree to meet me (we have never met in the 4 years DH and i have been together, and she would not even let me come to the hospital to see her son).

DH has actually been to a counselling session arranged by work which has helped him a lot with dealing with the illness side of things, but the aggression from the ex undid a lot of the good work. I underdstand she must be under a terrible amount of pressure but her way of dealing with it is to bombard us with an onslaught of insults & demands for everything we can/can't do. We are in a spin. It is impossible for my DH to be near her without a row. She screamed at him over the hospital bed in gt ormond street. he told her he was struggling to deal with all the pressure, she just laughed and called him a c*.
He has been saying for weeks that he has been in such a state he feels unable to drive. He just called me, he has reversed into a petrol pump and smashed the rear windscreen...i worry so much about what is happening.