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Struggled with saying this on here BUT

(30 Posts)
chana8 Tue 22-Feb-05 11:03:20

Im finding myself spiralling into wanting to stay at home and not go anywere. I wake up exausted and then spend the rest of the day really lost and unable to think straight. If I do go out , you wouldnt think Im having these kinds of days,w(were I sit all day in pj's), as to others say I seem sorted and so "well turned out", but I spose its all a mask and I use it to try and make me feel better atleast by looking that way !!
Im doing some self help with depression right now using moodgym and clincial depression websites to help me as I will not go back on pills.Ive been battling this for years(but it reached a crescendo & its all on here from last year after dd's birth). I wont go into it all again but my day to day situation was posted on here then.I KNOW with the pills they only fix small part of the issue, I came off citalopram in Aug 04. Ive had 9mths of hypnotherapy to help alleviate some of my stuff but my biggest problm is rumination to obessisve levels which I now believe affects my sleep pattern and then adds to the cycle of tiredness further rumination/bad sleep/on and on. Im feeling stuck and lost with what to do with myself as I need more than toddler groups and coffee mornings(I dont disqaulify them out right as when I attend the ones I do go to I feel a little better), BUT when they are over its like what do I do now today.

Im trying to build my business again but its slow , as I only have time on Saturdays or evenings , the evenings I find really hard as Im so drained by the end of the day. Dh has now said that my "work"(cant say otherwise youll know who this is), is only a hobby in reality as I wont do enough at this rate to make it a sustainable financial addition, which I understand and hes not completely wrong when you look at it black and white , but hes forgotten the fact that Im a full time mum too and hes told me he can think of nothing worse than bringing work home at night, so it seems ok for him to tell me how it should be but hes forgotten that may be I need some encouragement and a bit of a boost. I dont react well to boot camp tactics as they just add to my anxiety and anger if I dont match whats been commanded and doesnt bring to light the effort Im already making.
I suppose I need some proffesional help to get it all sorted prefferably CBT, but there is none available in my area under NHS and our finances are shot to bits right now for more private therapy session as on top of it all me and dh are also going to relate every week to sort out our drifitng relationship.

I just dont know what to do really , childcare isnt an option financially nor emotinally right now.

somtimes its good just to get it all of your chest on here, but Im nervous of responses.Imk actually shaking.

chana8 Tue 22-Feb-05 11:12:09

is there a link to babys turning 18mths and this reacurring ? Ive read a few threads with toddlers of that age.

Xena Tue 22-Feb-05 11:16:23

Have you tried to talking to your GP about other options than pills?

chana8 Tue 22-Feb-05 11:19:20

actualy no not yet. I suppose Im feeling anxious about going back to GP as my family will think all the therapy & money I have spent so far has been wasted.

colditzmum Tue 22-Feb-05 11:20:34

Don't know what to say. I know with depression, that sometimes its a hell of a fight to get up and get your hairbrush, let alone actually tackle your hair. All I can offer is the advice that you don't have pj days if they make you feel worse, lay your clothes out the night before, and get straight into them as soon as you wake up. Is there a way you could take some paid employment in the evenings when your dh is home, such as in a pub? Not likely to make a financial contribution, but sociallising with people who don't have kids may help you to be more yourself, and less mummy?

Not much help, butn I do know how it feels, just not much good at putting it in black and white.

chana8 Tue 22-Feb-05 11:29:49

yes so need to find a way to utilise evenings better, but dont really want to worsen my late nights.

chana8 Tue 22-Feb-05 11:33:09

wanted to do salsa classes with dh, still trying to persaude him,but its the expense right now and would probably have to pay for babysitter on top.May be I shoud do it alone , can u withought going with a partner ??

flakecake Tue 22-Feb-05 11:34:33

Hi there, well I know what you mean about not being able to think straight, I've been like that since having my dd 11 months ago.
Was given Ad's when she was 4 months- got better but then got worse. I was scared it was the pills that made me worse so I stop taking them- plus all the media attention on the fact that they have serious side effects.
I'm back on them now on a higher dose and it seems to be working. I can think straight now- thank God.
You know what? when ou go to the doctor does he/she have time to listen? If not demand a little extra time, because how the hell do they make accurate diginoses without listening properly? You know, they never have time do they?!
Have you tried the libaray? There are lots of books that could help.
I do yoga most mornings and walking, and I know what you mean about the baby groups and when they are over. At one point I felt like crying because I didn't know what to do with myself, actually I did cry!
Maybe go see a different doctor, it's your right.

chana8 Tue 22-Feb-05 11:48:50

I have seen several during the last 18mths, but have avoided going back (for myself not dd)since I came off them voluntarily. Im anxious as to there response to me coming off them. BUT if you read this website here clincial depression . It explains why they are only a TINY part of healing depression if at all, as they only alter what the brain should be doing which is upping seratonin levels ,which only drop because of depression but that drop is not the cause. I just get frustrated that gp's arent better informed with dealing with this and if they are Im sure its a financial reason why the right therapies are not avaialble. Sorry I just get agitated and upset that so many of us suffer & for so long when there is some really effective treatment being used out there , but its not available to all of us.

SeaShells Tue 22-Feb-05 11:51:12

Sorry to hear you are feeling like this chana8, you're doing really well, getting out to the mother and toddler groups, and your work, the most important thing is that you are helping yourself, it's great that you are trying out different therapies, eventually you will find one that works for you, depression can take a long time to recover from, I have suffered for many years and only seeked help from my GP last year, he put me on AD's which are ok but I don't feel like I'm getting better very fast, I also have days where I sit in my PJs all day and sometimes don't even leave the house for weeks, I wish I had the get up and go to venture out to coffee mornings and mother and toddler groups, but don't feel quite there yet. Sounds like you are getting there slowly, don't give in to it, we're all here for you, to listen to you, don't worry about the responses, there are so many of us on here that feel similar to you.

chana8 Tue 22-Feb-05 11:52:40

link doesnt work , let me try again clinical depression help

chana8 Tue 22-Feb-05 11:57:12

thanx seashells thankyou for your encouragment, I suppose I dont always say well done to myself enouff for what I do achieve. Glad im not rhe only one that doesnt leave the house for days on end though!!!

flakecake glad Im also not the only one to feel that arrrgh feeling after mummy groups. Sometimes it feels like all dressed up and nowere to go, I go to the park after sometimes , but it makes me feel more alone & confused, YKWIM ??

hamster Tue 22-Feb-05 12:04:06

I had my litte boy last year. Four months after the birth I noticed how much I had changed in myself. I was staying in all the time, I didn't answer the door to family or friends, I had little motivation to get dressed even. To make things worse, I kept telling myself silly things, like how much thinner I used to be, how carefree I was, and that now I was this fat, moaning, shadow of the person I was. I used to look in the mirror and hate what I saw looking back at me. Even looking at my little boy, I couldn't see that all this was worth it, and that made me feel like a bad mother.
My partner was beginning to notice, however each time my behaviour was mentioned, I'd snap, or lose my temper and cry. I kept denying it to myself, thinking it was normal. I didn't have the motivation to see it any other way.
Eventually, back in January I pulled myself together and got to the doctors. She was lovely, she understood what I was going through. You feel as though you are the only one to ever feel like it, but by talking about it you realise you are not. Trust me when I say, I'm crap at talking to people-period,so it was very hard for me to do. But once I had opened up, I found it was like a release.
I've been on a/d for 2 months now, and although I was paranoid they'd send me into a jibbering wreck, I figured what could be worse than to carry on the way I was feeling?

chana8 Tue 22-Feb-05 12:07:38

dh is fed up with years of it now, its partly why we are at relate,(thats a whole other thread!!) BUT IM fed up with it too !!!

chana8 Tue 22-Feb-05 15:23:08

still at home in pj's , if anyone who doesnt see this normally,saw me , Im not sure what theyd think. I sometims wish someone would just come round (id be so mortified)and see it may be, just to show whats happening to me. Poor dd must be soo bored today. I have other plans this week for her , so Im hoping today is just a one off more greyer day than normal . It hasnt helped that it keeps snowing outside otherwise I may have gone for a walk.

welshgirl Tue 22-Feb-05 16:00:12

Babe, I know how you're feeling, for weeks I spent the entire day in my pj's and sleeping, waking to eat, had to set my alarm to collect baby from the childminders at the end of the day. Rest didn't seem to help, I spent 2 months doing this, no plans, no energy, no enthusiasm to even do anything, I used to be so bubbly and happy, I changed into someone who didn't even like going to the shops - and I used to be a shopaholic. Have you got a good support network? Maybe you should confide in a close relative??? Thinking of you, keep your chin up.

chana8 Tue 22-Feb-05 16:05:18

hi welshgirl , unfortunately my mums suffering the same, and my sister isnt really interested , I think she feels I succumb to it all rather thatn fighting it,which I do on alot of days, but somedays you just dont have the energy and give in. I dont have to many close friends , just lots of other mums who are aqauntances , we are quite open about most things , but I dont like going into too much detail about this. I have to be carfeul who I take advice from.

welshgirl Tue 22-Feb-05 16:07:03

That's understandable you are cautious of who you talk to. To be honest, I only discovered this website today and it's made me feel a whole lot better reading posts which are almost identical to how I'm feeling, was beginning to feel a bit isolated. Have you talked to your GP?

chana8 Tue 22-Feb-05 16:27:52

welcome welshgirl , It has been my saviour in darker times this place to, but be careful has an addiction warning !!!

I think I mentioned further down about the gp , just physching myself to it , but also just want to make sure that may be this is just a down phase rather than depression again. I had no porblem when going through PND,(although suspect to have been PTSD leading to PND), this time last year going every week and for everything possible ailment going wrong with me, but now i feel kinda , hmmm not sure really , apprehensive?? BUT I also know a lot more now,Ive made sure I much more educated in things, so may be this time I can make sure I get treated , or its the prospect of going through a whole rigmarol again.

chana8 Tue 22-Feb-05 16:33:01

Im under another name on this thread BTW welshgirl, as wanted to disclose certain info withought people who know me on here knowing!! Just had to get it off my chest, been holding some of it for a while now.

welshgirl Tue 22-Feb-05 16:39:25

I can understand the name change, don't worry. Hopefully you can disclose to your GP when you see him/her. I've got a GP appt this week too and am hoping to go back to work after a long time off. I can see how it's going to get addictive... think I may need to go broadband before hubby sees a big telephone bill!!!

chana8 Tue 22-Feb-05 16:57:33

is this the 1st time youve spoken to the doctor about things??? how old is your dd/ds ???

welshgirl Tue 22-Feb-05 17:30:48

Yes it it the first time, and to be honest, I didn't even realise it was depression I was suffering from, just thought it was tiredness. After various blood tests etc which all came back fine, the dr diagnosed depression and rest. Obviously the rest didn't work, though I did try, so i gave in, against my DH's wishes, and started the ADs. My DH is 29, I'm 34 and my DD is nearly 3. What about you and yours???

chana8 Tue 22-Feb-05 17:42:49

Dd 18mths, dh my age 32. They know who I am at my gp's as I used to go in so much !.

So this is your check up after intial ads period ??? Have you looked at the link further down, might make you feel a bit better and more informed for your nxt appt.

welshgirl Tue 22-Feb-05 19:51:49

I've been on the ads for 3 weeks now, went a fortnight ago to the GP and felt no different, but this is 2nd appt and I do feel better, if not a little too laid back now! I don't feel like sleeping all day though and am managing to get showered etc first thing in the morning as opposed to forcing myself in the bath in the afternoon.

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