Is it a bad sign/ominous or just a normal knee jerk reaction to feel so bad about what you have eaten that yu immediatley think, i could just throw up and it won't have happened, problem solved.

[piratecat]

I ask becuase I had this thought this morning, after being absolutley gluttonous at breakfast. I have been a depressions ufferer for yrs, but think i am on top of that. Yet my divorce continues to knock me for six, and this week I had a not very great convo with my ex dh.

I do comfort eat, but not to an extreme. Have always been about a stone overwieght, but have put on about 4lbs in the past week.

yesterday a bought cakes, i just blocked it, that they were not good for me. They were on offer, end of the day type thing, in the supermarket. I felt myself actually surpress the 'comeon pirate you shuodln't buy those, yuo'll end up eatig the lot' thought.

I ate 3 after tea, and ate 2 this morning. I felt disgusted with myslef, and also part of me didn't care either. Fat or not whats the fucking difference.

Then the thought came, plain as day, just go and make yourself sick. I was upset, and ot felt like a very alien thought, yet i thenthought oh shit what 's happening here.

I just hiope this isn't another facet of my depressive nature. Or Was it just a glutanous period of time, which is really a kick up the arse. i hoep the latter.

[piratecat]

..

[differentID]

I've had those feelings as well piratecat. but I told myself to not throw up because then it would start the whole vicious circle of feeling bad, so comfort eat, then feeling bad about that and repeat forever. A binge once in a while is not the end of the world.

[piratecat]

i was so ashamed to think it.

[chankins]

I wouldn't go down that road if I were you, so well done for resisting the urge. Once you do it once you will find it easier to do it again, and again, until you have the handy excuse to eat whatever you want, because you know you will just make yourself sick after wards.

I am sorry to hear of your divorce - it must obviously be a very tought time for you.

Lots of women overeat or turn to food when there are problems in their lives, or they don't feel good about themselves.

Have you spoken to anyone else about how you feel right now ? Friends or family ?

Just try not to buy the foods you are likely to gorge on - don't go down those aisles in the shop, if you can help it. If you don't have particular foods in the cupboard then you won't be able to overeat and feel bad about it. I hope this helps in any small way 1

[differentID]

Snap. But it says a lot for your stability that you chose to ignore those feelings.
At the time I had been made to feel worthless by a doc and honestly sat and though over the pros and cons of throwing up what I ate.

[piratecat]

i wont go todwn that road, i have never even contemplatedit/thought about it before. I was shocked that the thought even came to me.

I suddenly realsied how food can be a drug, a forgiver, a comfort, in a way i have never done so before.

[piratecat]

i understand that, i felt the same for a while this morning.

I havent even got a sweet tooth, but i have been upping the sugar like noone's business the last few weeks. I am the sort of person who doesn't honestly eat loads, and the slightest indulgence puts the weight on, if say sustained for a few days. I can put on 2lbs overnight.

weight has always been a family thing, my mother goes on and o abouthers, and it's all i have heard from a yong age.

[piratecat]

trefusis, i have had those too, now and again, very random.

yes i need to move on, and not be so weak about my food problems.

[chankins]

Yes I think we all have strange impulsive thoughts we would never actually follow through on 1

Sometimes when I'm deep in conversation with someone I will think to myself what would happen if I suddenly leapt up and punched them in the face ?! Weird or what.

[piratecat]

as i was eating these cakes, it waslike i was outside myself, and just feeding an urge.

disgusting

[PeppermintPatty]

Agree with Trefusis, you can see that it was an 'alien' thought and also a very bad idea, so didn't act on it. Which is a very good sign.
Its when your 'bad' thoughts start to seem like the best idea you ever had that you're in trouble and need help fast!
Sorry you are going through a hard time Pirate

[PeppermintPatty]

I think most people comfort eat from time to time. Don't feel bad about it Pirate.

[differentID]

you're not alone, piratecat.

[piratecat]

when people say comfort eat, do they blindly buy a large amount of something, and when they do is it like a feeling of euphorior (sorry sp). A bit like when you hear abotu people spending too much on clothes but get a buzz from it.

i just can't resist a bargain, that didn't help either

[piratecat]

but addiction to food is real tho? i think thats what i meant. I remember watching that programme about people who could not stop eating, and one lady said imagine of food was your addiction/drug, and it being something you HAVE to have to stay alive, but you can't controal how much you eat.

Am prob being too hard yes,it was just a weird weird moment, and i just got a bit frightened.

[differentID]

I think it is real.

[piratecat]

yes an addiction to it is real. for what ever your own reasons.

[TheProvincialLady]

Pirate it is great that you didn't make yourself sick BUT I'll be honest, it doesn't matter whether you did or not. The way you describe buying those cakes and eating them, and the thoughts you had afterwards, all suggest disordered eating that needs to be dealt with just as much as if you had been sick. You might want to consider the thoughts and triggers that make you eat in this way, and try to avoid them and find more positive outlets for your feelings - like writing them down or going for a walk or whatever works for you. Easier said than done when you are having a tough time I know, but you deserve better treatment from yourself, honestly.

[chankins]

I think addiction to food is real, overeating can become a habit thats very hard to break.

I was a chubby teenager, but instead of going out jogging or swimming to make myself feel better, I sat at home and overate, and ate secretly and so on....obviously I got even fatter, and that was when I discovered being sick after a binge. Tbh at the time I thought it was great ! Like you said earluer piratecat, problem solved, as if it didn't even happen.

I used to think about food all the time, what I would eat, and when etc, I was constantly disgusted with myself, which beacme a vicous circle. The harder you are on yourself when you make a mistake, the worse you feel about yourself, and so on.

It took a personal tragedy and health care plus therapy to sort me out and help me understand my problems.

I'm happy to say I have nt binged or purged since for over 6 years now, which is never since I have had my kids, despite being very tempted at times !

[Janni]

Piratecat - an addiction to certain patterns of eating can certainly be a way of masking what you are really feeling. Try to look after your health so that you are in a better position to move on with your life and make good decisions about what will make you happier.

[piratecat]

i think i was feeling loss/lost particularly. The cake incident has been a wake up call! I have been neglecting my dietry needs all summer.