i need to talk about something relating to rape - pls dont click on this if youre likely to be upset/have gone through something recently - last thing i want to do is upset anyone

[BloodySmartarse]

its just, for the last 24 hours or so ive had this horrible squirmy irrational desire to scrape my entire middle section off my body. it just feels so fecking gross and nasty. just want my whole middle section gone and off of me. stupid huh?

im sure its perfectly natural to feel this way

it was years ago i was raped. and i dont think i really did this part of getting over it before (or if i did, ive blanked it). ive just started cbt-based therapy to try to sort out all this old shit, and i guess its come up because of that.

dont really want to talk to anyone in rl about it, but i am so uncomfortable in my skin right now, really tense and squirmy, i just wanted to talk to someone about it.

[serenity]

I'm really sorry you feel like this - I have no idea whether it's 'normal' (what's normal anyway? How you feel is how you feel) I just wanted to show someone's listening, but I'm sure someone more helpful will be along soon.

[singyswife]

'normal' what is that???? I dont know how you are meant to feel but like the previous poster I just wanted you to know someone had seen your thread and you werent being ignored.

[BloodySmartarse]

thanks serenity. acknowledgment appreciated

[BlueberryBeret]

Oh sweetheart, i clicked knowing this was you

I have no advice, but I have me. B is rashy, but she was contagious on Sunday too.

[BloodySmartarse]

you too singys

it is nice just to be heard sometimes isnt it?

dont know what to say now.

[BloodySmartarse]

hi BB, thanks hon (mwahahahaha)

aw, what is it with b then? measles?

[singyswife]

You just rant all you need too there are lots of people on here who will listen at least.

[BloodySmartarse]

thanks singys

dont feel like ranting right now. just feel like disasembling my body and leaving out major bits when putting back together. feel like i wanna scrub it all away. yuk.

[singyswife]

Have a bath and then a nice warm sweet cup of tea. Might help a bit. Really dont know what to advise here.

[BlueberryBeret]

"it looks like slapped cheek & scarlet fever, but isn't... so keep her away from children, pregnant women, and immune suppressed. She was most likely contagious a few days before, and until the rash goes"

[BloodySmartarse]

am waiting for window cleaners to leave before i can jump in the bath

for some reason feel a bit scared about being naked in bath tho. am scrunched up in a ball as it is.
sigh.

sorry to be all weird and dramatic sounding

[Mamazon]

feeling abnormal is totally normal.
you can expect to feel all sorts of "weird" feelings for some time.

What you went through was wrong and it is going to take you some time to get over it. ity doesn't matter how long ago it happened, the thoughts fears and feelings are still there.

CBT is going to help but im pretty sure you will feel worse before you feel better and you should aknowledge that.

Dont put any pressure on yourself to "heal"

It'll happen when it happens...if ever.
Im sorry you are going through this but i am glad you are getting the help you need.

[BloodySmartarse]

hmmm, dont you just love a nice specific ansewr like that?? doctors eh? [rolls eyes on your behalf]

[BlueberryBeret]

I think I would probably go for a shower - the whole washing away psychological thing iyswim. You can always sit on shower floor.

[singyswife]

So, go in in your underwear or swimwear. It is not weird and dramatic sounding, you are dealing wtih something major here and anything you are feeling is 'normal' for you. Do not go down the road of feeling you are weird or un-normal, this is a very difficult thing you are dealing with and you are dealing with it in the best and only way you can.

[BlueberryBeret]

Right - I have to go and get clean and buy food before B starves (), but if you want me to head over tomorrow then you yell

[BloodySmartarse]

[tears]

thanks mamazon. yes. i guess this is part of the worse before better thing.

and yes, im pretty glad im getting the help too! [grateful]

[BloodySmartarse]

k, blue. will do say hi to B and E for me.

singys thats a good idea, i might do that. thanks.

[BloodySmartarse]

my mum just called to say she wasnt coming down to stay afterall due to needing to work. i was going to brave it out, but i did end up telling her how i feel today and she said she'd be down later afterall. good old mum, eh? mums rock

[BlueberryBeret]

aww

[BloodySmartarse]

yeah.
still waiting for window cleaners to finish and go away so i can have that bath... why do we have so much glass???

am arsing about on acive convos to pasds the time, but its not rerally engaging me tbh...

maybe ill go and read my book

[SlapAndTickle]

Any CBT is painful and brings stuff back to the surface. Stick with it. I did a CBT for depression earlier this year and feel better than I have for years and finally laid lots of old sh*t to rest.

Hang on in there - you will feel better

[BloodySmartarse]

thanks s&t, i will do.
he reckons 24 sessions should sort me out. so only 22 to go then .

[BlueberryBeret]

How ya doin?

[psychomum5]

leaving huge hugs.............xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx