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Anyone with a Partner that suffers from depression - what are the signs/clues?

(7 Posts)
PonderingThoughts Wed 27-Aug-08 15:38:26

Just looking at the state of my relationship just lately and trying to work out DP's reactions/behaviours etc.

When I think about it more deeply, he has changed over time. I put it down to the same stresses that I feel...work/money/family situation etc.

But...maybe it's more than that? How would I know if actually he is suffering from depression?

What signs would I look for? What if I think maybe he's been suffering from it ever since I've known him so have nothing concrete necessarily to compare to?

How wuld you know if it was right to have that conversation/suggest it with DP?

WilyWombat Wed 27-Aug-08 16:07:22

My hubby was

very tired all the time - spent a lot of time asleep on the sofa,

didnt want to go out

pessimistic about the value of doing anything "why should I do x on the house when z happens, its just a waste of time"

didnt wash or shave,

picked arguments with me

If you have a partner who isnt generally like that then its a sign of depression, if hes always been like that then hes probably just an arsehole grin

His co-incided with the birth of our first child and a long term threat of redundancy, its never been as bad since but we occasionally have short bursts. It is unbelieveably difficult to live with...sometimes I really hate him when he is like it.

Good luck

PonderingThoughts Wed 27-Aug-08 16:51:24

Thanks for answering WilyWombat!

Yes, I think I am trying to determine if he is indeed, just an arsehole or if there's more to it.

I've always written stuff off with the 'that's just how he is' but either he's getting worse or I'm just getting older and -grumpier less tolerant.

He is:
Far more tired all the time than he ever used to be (he puts is down to age...40...and working long days) but it's not as bad as it used to be and 40..that's nothing really is it?!

Never really wants to go out or do anything (certainly never pro-active about it)
He never seems to put 100% of himself into 'it' when we do go out anywhere...just follows and does what I've organised and always find something to complain/be difficult about. No excitement about anything anymore.

His hygene is ok - that hasn't altered

He's far moodier/grumpier than he used to be. Only takes the slightest little thing and he loses temper/patience or things escalate into a row/nastiness.

Everything is my fault. None if this is actully true, it's all in my head...I (apparenty) create things/problems that aren't really there...he is FINE dontcha know!

He doesn't see the point in councelling. Doesn't want us to do that.

He hates his job but won't do anything about it - always has an excuse.

He hates us being in the financial situation we are in but always wants to fritter money on shite.

I think he has really low self-esteem and probably is very unhappy about certain situations he finds himself in - but he certainly won't make any changes or do anything about it.

But is would that be diagnosed as depression?

WilyWombat Wed 27-Aug-08 17:10:17

Oh yes I get the "im fine" line too, when it is blatantly obvious he is not. Luckily im quite a feisty chick so he doesnt get away with it but I can imagine if you were someone less independent it could demoralise you.

I know its horrible to say as it is an illness but you have to decide if it is something you can live with. DH is so lovely most of the time and thinks the world of me, is a great dad so I put up with the rough with the smooth. If it were a more persistent problem then maybe I would have to rethink as I dont think long term the stress it causes between us would be good for the children.

Would he see the doctor? Hubby had Prozac for a while, it took a while to work and he decided he didnt like the side effects...but still if he has ongoing depression it would be worth persevering with.

leoemma Wed 27-Aug-08 17:28:13

WW and PT my dh had a breakdown 6 months before we got married 5 years ago. It is hell to live with expecially as he wouldnt take anything. He had counselling which helped but they have stopped that now. He has good and bad days but on a bad day he is horrible really mean and viscious or sad and down. He was off work for a year. Luckily we now have more good days than bad. There is a fab book called Black Dog which he might find useful and def see if he will go to the doctor. Hope you are ok as well

FruitynNutty Wed 27-Aug-08 17:33:04

I keep wondering my my DP has depression. Although he doesn't sleep all the time and he likes going out. He's just so incredibly grumpy. I don't even have to say anything and I feel like he's got the hump with me.
Maybe he's just an arsehole then. I don't remember him being like this when I met him hmm
I'll keep watch of this thread, see if there are any other clues to depression.......

WilyWombat Thu 28-Aug-08 10:12:05

"I don't remember him being like this when I met him"

Ahh well there are two men in any relationship the one who woos you to "get" you and the one you live with who feels he no longer needs to make the effort. I do feel men put on more of a front than women at the start of a relationship e.g my lovely boyfriend who would happily wander around the shops for hours buying things for the house and waiting while I choose nail varnish is now someone who mutates in to a grumpy bear just after we have parked!!

I did feel when I read about a case where a Dad killed his child (according to the tabloids because the mother had started a new relationship) hmmm its easy to paint her as the bad guy but you dont know what he was like to live with if he suffered from ongoing depression as reported. It is hideously hard and unless someone else lives with a depressive they really cannot understand how the sociable pleasant person they know can also be someone who is just horrible(lets face it they dont socialise when in the midst of a bad depression so that person is only seen by family and workmates)

I do think the decision as to whether you stay or go depends on how bad the depression is and whether they are willing to seek help. My admiration goes out to anyone who lives with a manic depressive who insists on not having treatment, im afraid I would just leave - I refuse to let anyone, even if they are ill, make me or the children feel bad.

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