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I'm messing everything up. Help me start putting it right.

(13 Posts)
sadandscared Sun 24-Aug-08 12:49:19

I think this is the right place. just need some friends for a bit.
i am a coward and have namechanged.
I've spent all the money (inc overdraft) in my account. I've been sinking for months. DH knows I've done this before years ago and has been asking on and off if I'm 'straight'. I have lied and lied and lied. Buried my head in the sand hoping for that 'prpmotion' Hoping for the magic wand to quit fags which drain my money. Its not even like I've been buying useful things. Fags . . . Presents for people. Trying to start a new hobby - something to be proud of 'cus god knows I need something to be proud of in my life.
Its come to a head this morning and I've fessed up to DH. Understandably he's upset. Not the money the lies. I've lost his trust I know I have. I've cried for hours and hours and can't stop. WHat if i've put our families future in jeapordy. Dduring this credit crunch I've put us in such a precarious position.
ON top of all that I know that I'm doing a shitty job of being a mum and wife.

DorrisMcWhirter Sun 24-Aug-08 12:58:58

Speaking from 'the other side of the fence', we have just found ourselves in a similar position as DH has done exactly this. As with your DH it was the lies that got me. To start with I was uncertain about ever trusting him again. However, it is creeping back and he is so obviously sorry (like you, because of the credit crunch, it seems so much more serious), I can see that I will trust him again and I think it is happening quicker than I thought it would too!
In my experience, once you've got over the lies, you can start working on it together. Sit down and create your budget, open everything up to him. The family won't be in jeopardy, there will be a way out but it will probably be tough. I have found that this has drawn us closer together though as we're fighting through this together.
You are not a shitty mum and wife, you have just fallen prey to the 'have it all' lifestyle that is peddled around today.Learn from it but don't beat yourself up for too long.
All the best s&s

barking Sun 24-Aug-08 13:00:34

brilliant advice from Dorris
Have you looked on

DorrisMcWhirter Sun 24-Aug-08 13:05:38

Ah yes, well remembered barking! smile
That man is a budget god! There is a good budget planner on his website. I'd suggest signing up to his email too as it was he who told me to cap my gas and electricity with Scottish power - I did, got a great deal and then they very swiftly stopped offering the deal!
Oh and I'd also suggest looking through your collective direct debits. We have managed to save around £40 a month by dropping things we didn't really need e.g. magazine subscriptions, insurances that are duplicated etc.

sadandscared Sun 24-Aug-08 13:06:11

It's not so much the money tbh. I know how to deal with that. I'm on mse. i'm just ashamed of myself. I knew what i was doing. As Dorris says. I can't bear that I know exactly what DH is thinking of me. it's worse than the have it all lifestyle. i was never buying 'flash' stuff trying to have it all. I was trying to 'buy' a hobby. it sounds even more stupid and pathetic written down. i'm not sure what i thought i'd acheive really.
and yes i am a shitty wife. a good wife doesn't lie to her dh and put him through yet more stress. shitty mum? possibly. I love them too much i think.

DorrisMcWhirter Sun 24-Aug-08 13:09:06

S&S - honestly, I was gutted when I found out about Dh but I Do not think he is a shitty husband. He has explained to me what he did and why in great detail and this has helped me get my head around it. Have you done the same with DH?

sadandscared Sun 24-Aug-08 13:12:21

mostly yes. i can't go into too much detail. too embarrasing and will make him feel even worse than he does. also can't stop crying long enough to form an actual sentence.

DorrisMcWhirter Sun 24-Aug-08 13:18:12

I feel for you, I really do, but if you can stop crying and just talk it will pave the way for the future. Be prepared that he may not want to hear it all at first though. I couldn't cope with it for the first week. I needed to just be mad. He will need time to be extremely cross but then, there will come a time when it will help him to know all.

sadandscared Sun 24-Aug-08 13:21:26

he's not cross. he keeps cuddling me. "we'll get through it" "we're a team"
he's just so bloody nice. i've let him down big time. i don't deserve him.

DorrisMcWhirter Sun 24-Aug-08 13:29:24

Right, then that's a good start.
Ok, you will feel crap but this is a good thing because it means you understand what has happened and are less likely to do it again. Are you the sort of person who could write down exactly how you feel and what you fear will happen? (I always find writing things down helps me to process them)You needn't do anything with it, just use it to help you understand what happened. Look back on what you did and see where it started to get out of control. Then you will spot the warning signs if it starts to happen again.
You sound very down on yourself - you say you spent the money trying to prove your worth - would you consider counselling?
The danger here is that you will talk yourself into a hole. Your Dh has forgiven you but you have not forgiven yourself (and I know that is much easier said than done).

sadandscared Sun 24-Aug-08 13:34:01

I'll try writing it down. sounds like a good plan.
I am quite down on myself yes. but i am also trying to be honest with myself. i am making big failures and i need to acknowledge them to make them right.
no i haven't forgiven myself. i can't see that happening until i have put it right.

DorrisMcWhirter Sun 24-Aug-08 13:51:50

Try not to see it in terms of putting it right, because that may cause you to be even more down on yourself if it doesn't happen immediately. Look at it as changing your behaviour. You're already taking steps by writing it down and facing it head on. Try to accept your Dh's support, even if you don't feel as if you deserve it. If you don't you run the risk of isolating him which could cause further problems.
I wish you all the very best. Take care

sadandscared Sun 24-Aug-08 13:54:06

thanks. i'll try. its all i can do.

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