Do you think I am depressed?

[raramum]

Okay where do I start? My baby is breastfed, seven months, absolutely gorgeous, happy and thriving. He doesn't sleep thro the night tho and will often wake three/four times - is in our bed. so not sure whether I'm depressed or just sleep deprived.

Am going to counselling cos had many problems in work situations - mostly with bosses. Was physically/emotionally abused by my Dad as a child so most likely linked to that. My mum is not very maternal and is a bit self obsessed/flighty so didn't have great support there either. It's exhausting trying to work thro my 'issues'.

Anyway since becoming a first time mum lots has come up. I have dumped a lot of my previous 'good' friends - seeing them more clearly now as not so good friends! i have made a lot of mummy friends - i make friends very easily but also loose them quite easily which I find very upsetting. I feel very confident sometimes and at other times feel really socially awkward and shy. I am easily offended and slow to bounce back in general. I think that I can be a little opinionated and cause others to be offended too hence the losing friends easily thing.

Anyway my mini novel is almost over. Bear with me! Maybe I should just avoid other people and just hang out with my DS until I sort myself out cos hanging out with other people just causes me to get into upsetting situations the effect of which make me feel a little miserable. Basically I am always searching for close relationships but never quite getting there. Do you think I am depressed, would AD help?

[giraffescantdancethetango]

Have you spoken to your hv/gp? Do you feel you could speak to them? x

[twinsetandpearls]

I think that if your childhood was scarred by difficulties having your own child does bring it back. You may be depressed, a lot of what you described sounds like me when dd was a baby and I was depressed and ADs did help but not as much as counselling. I do think that sleep deprivation will not help though, I do think, and this is purely anecdotal that much PND is sleep deprivation.

I do not think that cutting yourslef off from people will help but maybe you need to think obout the kind of people you want to know and how you will meet those people.

[raramum]

Get about a 5 to 10 on the Edinburgh questionaire thingie depending on the week which isn't really enough to be considered PND. I just want to do what's best for my DS really. Even tho I try really hard not to be upset around him - babies are so good at picking up on body language and I don't want him to suffer for my problems (inevitable probably I know)

[raramum]

Twinset did you stay on the AD's for long. If not was it hard to come off them? Just would like to be enjoying this special time with my DS more. I do enjoy it but more moments of it, having good days and bad, good weeks and bad. Think the counselling is bringing up a lot of feelings and don't want them to be upsetting my DS....

[twinsetandpearls]

I have been on ADs for about five years although I am not great at taking them tbh. When I take them steadily and reguklarly there is a huge difference. I have changed ADs and it is hard work coming off one and going to another.

[twinsetandpearls]

5 is not particularly high, but that does not mean there are not issues. As I said I know for me having a difficult childhood was a huge factor in me struggling as a mother. But I think there is a huge difference between struggling and being depressed, maybe you need support which most of us would with a 7 month not sleeping. From memory my score on the edinburgh scale was about 27.

[raramum]

Are you better at relationships now? Have you finished counselling - do you ever feel more together now? I'm exhausted from the same worries over and over. I'm always thinking people hate me - to be honest I've not much of an idea if they do or not but it's always there in my head. a thought that constantly pops up - ick.

[Janni]

I think that contact, even if it is superficial, with other adults is VITAL when you have a young baby so I would avoid thinking that being holed up with your baby and on antidepressants is any sort of answer to the feelings you have.

[twinsetandpearls]

I agree Janni

[raramum]

I wasn't thinking that was the answer I was just hoping to hear that there was light at the end of the tunnel that's all! Will do whatever is best for me and my baby, just trying to figure out what that is.

[raramum]

Thanks Twinset for sharing your experiences it makes a real difference to know someone else has gone thro this X

[barking]

First congratulations for bf this long - you are giving you're baby the very best start. Don't worry about 'doing your best for your ds' - do the best for yourself and a happy ds will follow - children hold a mirror up to our own thoughts, feelings and behaviour. I use to think if they were happy I will be happy, I have since realised it is the other way around!

I've had 3 dc's so I suspect sleep deprivation will be playing a big part in how you are feeling at the moment. When you have had no sleep, life is like running a bloody marathon every day or swimming in treacle! You need to rest at every opportunity. I found doing all chores, going to park, shops was best done in the am then afternoon nap with baby then onto the final leg in the afternoon.

Depending on how much your ds is feeding Is there any way you can get you're dh/dp to take your baby out for the whole day for the next 2 days or make an agreement for him to sleep with him/her in another room? Both my dc1 and dc3 were like this and I realised that as they got older they were waking in the night as they thought they were suppose to (out of habit) rather than being hungry. And being in the same bed my dc3 use to snack through the night and plus I would worry about the duvet or one of us squashing him so I would never completely let go and get any deep sleep. If you did consider this as an option be really clear with your dp/dh when dc does wake up expecting a feed so he knows what to do without getting you involved. If my dc3 heard my voice that would be it!

Being so sleep deprived will be affecting all aspects of your life including the making and losing of friendships that you speak of - it takes an incredible amount of energy in creating and sustaining friendships especially when it is at the early stage. I would slow down and be kind to yourself. Remind yourself that the other mums will also be struggling and especially if they have more than one child, time for new friendships falls down the list. With your difficult childhood, becoming a mother can really turn everything upside down and inside out in a good way - it can motivate you to break the cycle of passing down all the crap from one generation to the next.

Having been sleep deprived myself for the last 9 years I have ended up saying things I would have in my previous life checked myself in before saying out loud - lack of sleep is a real sod! Just slow down and remember we are all struggling, some of us are better at pretending than others!

[barking]

Hi Janni
Things are a lot quieter on mn these days without sune/eva/bee lady boy!

[barking]

Another thought is that the one thing that helped my dc's sleep through the night guaranteed was to take them swimming.

[Janni]

(Hi Barking - I kinda miss them though!)

[Janni]

With a first baby it's a mother being born too, which is why it is probably the biggest life upheaval you will ever go through. You have to totally change the way you see yourself and your life, to accommodate this new little being. Your relationship with your partner has to make seismic shifts too.

Things do settle though, so don't think that how you feel now is how it's always going to be and you would be AMAZED at how nearly every other mother of a first baby feels pretty bewildered at times during the first year.

(Barking - thanks for that. Maybe we could have a secret support thread that wouldn't attract the loons. I don't know how though.)

[barking]

Janni - thats a great thought, that a mother is born too.

Funny how some of my friends just seemed to carry on as before where as I felt such a responsibility and such vunerability, very raw. It made me ask so many questions of myself and trying to 'be the change you want to see in the world'. I remember being pregnant with dc1 standing in mothercare with music blaring and a giant plastic talking tree thinking 'what do I need to buy' I can understand looking back why I ended up thinking the smurf school was the perfect antidote.
we could start a thread on the affects of smurf schooling...
The problemy is sune scans the internet daily for any negative press

[raramum]

Wow some real pearls of wisdom in there Barking and Janni thanks a lot....very true re doing what's best for me and happy DS will follow.... Sometimes I hang out with mothers that I don't particularly like cos I want DS to have other babies for company (as he loves a crowd!). However I think I can avoid mums I find annoying and gravitate towards the ones I find kind, interesting and supportive instead without too much hassle.

Like what you said about a mother bing born too - what a nice image!

In regards to thread hijack re smurf school was thinking of getting involved with Steiner pre-school - is there something I should know?

[Janni]

We're really NOT the ones to ask if you want a positive picture of Steiner

[raramum]

Interesting....never heard these critisisms before. I would have thought that like Montessori schools most Steiner schools would update their practice in the light of modern day thinking...will definately be looking into this further!

[barking]

I wish I could say more...my eldest use to go, we lived amongst a steiner community. It is very beautiful and very dangerous.
Read steiner, not you are your childs first teacher/freedom to learn etc. you won't get the full picture
Montessori is a very practical education based in the real world
Steiner is based in the imaginary spirit world
I best not elaborate any further.

[raramum]

I'm feeling a little bit spooked now, would like to hear two sides of story if possible.

[scottishmummy]

Internet is not a diagnostic tool.nothing can beat a face to face Assessment

FWIW you as if when you wish you can be engaged motivated.BUT experiencing changes in preferences in your social network. You "make friends easily" and lose them too

TBH none of that sounds indicative of PND. PND wouldn't have the volition,energy or self worth to undertake all of that. make and lose friends is indicative of a woman undergoing huge social and lifestyle upheaval.maybe lacking confidence on your abilities as first time mum

go easy cut yourself some slack
motherhood is monumental

tiredness etc are regular, but if excessive go to gp