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mums an alcoholic.dont know what to do!!she attacked me today!!

(38 Posts)
clairebear2502 Wed 16-Feb-05 17:47:42

hi my mum and dad split up about eight years ago and she is an alcoholic.(this was part of the cause of the split) howver since then i have tried to help her on numerous occasions yet she wont admit she has a problem. when my dad left the family home he took my brother so every night i was at home with a drunk mother who used to verbally and physically abuse me. i had to try and stop her from going out driving after she had a drink coz she didnt have a clue. also she has tried to commit suicide loads of times.even though she has been so horrible to me i always feel that because she is my mum that i need to be there for her even though the amount of pain she has put me through.
this morning she phoned me at work and was crying her eyes out.i thought something had happened to my grandparent as he is very ill but she just said she was depressed etc. i decided to get her a doc appointment.left work at eleven rushed to pick her up and get her to docs to finally sort this problem.she came out of there saying she had to go back in 2 weeks and takle it from there. we got back in car and she started insulting my dad and his girlfriend.i asked her to stop and keep her opinions to herself and she started hitting me while i was driving.i pulled over and told her to get out and i got a load of abuse and was told you f in picked me up you can f in take me home.i carried on driving and she started hitting me, punching me and scratching me.i pulled over and got out of my car and had to drag her out of my car where she carried on swearing and then decided to bash my car windows.i phoned my dad up as by this time i ws a crying wreck.he told me to go to his girlfriends who lived in the road i was in.i went and spoke to her and she calmed me down but said i might find it easier talking to someone who has been in my situtaion.i was already a member on here and know how helpful people have been in past. does anyone know what i can do as i havent got the energy to keep giving as she wont help herself but just keeps hurting me.

beansprout Wed 16-Feb-05 17:51:53

So sorry to hear all of this. I would strongly suggest that you contact al-anon . It is an organisation, similar to AA, that has meetings and support for people in your situation. The people you will meet there are those in similar situations to yourself who will understand how you feel and who will offer you the support you need. Hope this helps.

clairebear2502 Wed 16-Feb-05 18:02:55

thanks i'll def look into this as i really dont know wht to do anymore and it is making me ill in the process.thanks beansprout!!

beansprout Wed 16-Feb-05 18:04:37

Best of luck to you. Sorry if I didn't respond more fully to your post. Unfortunately, there is not a lot you can do to help her unless she wants to be helped. It is more a case of managing how you feel about the situation and knowing that you are not responsible for her. I really hope you get the support you deserve from Al-Anon.

clairebear2502 Wed 16-Feb-05 18:07:32

thanks just been on to the site you included but cant really see anything about meetings or chatting to anyone,there is a number though so i will phone them first thing in the morning and find out how i go about getting help. your advice is really appreciated .thank you

gothicmama Wed 16-Feb-05 18:12:06

i hope al-anon can help I have found them supportive - xh was alcoholic - unless your mum really wants to and finds the help for herself then you continue to set yourself up to be hurt . If you are not feeling strong tehn not being there for her may make her realise she needs to get her act together- tough love approach - will try and get back on later and add but tea is ready

biglips Wed 16-Feb-05 18:17:13

clair - i hope youre ok as i was but i cant help you on for this one - hope you will be ok and so your mum xxxx

clairebear2502 Wed 16-Feb-05 18:17:23

thanks,everytime she hurts me though i vow never to let her do it again but i always end up feeling guilty. also my grandparent isnt well and is not gonna get better and it was him who asked me to give her one last go.im not sure how long he has and i dont want to feel like ive let him down.
i want to go back to having my mum who was always happy and friendly but now she looks like a frail old lady who if she carries on the way she is will prob be dead by the end of the year.
not sure what else i can do as she wont help herself .just feel so tired!!!

nightowl Wed 16-Feb-05 23:34:26

claire, knowing how keen doctors always seem to be to hand out anti d's (and thats not necessarily always a bad thing) i find it a bit strange that they told her to just come back in two weeks? dont take this the wrong way but are you absolutely sure your mum was telling the truth? because doctors tell you not to drink if you take anti d's. i know someone who will not take them, or the painkillers she needs for back problems because she wants to drink. sadly enough, i agree that unless she admits openly that she has a problem there is little you can do...trying to talk to her wont make a difference..even if she's sober. she may well realise she has a problem but unless she is really determined to tackle it, you are fighting a losing battle. if she wants to get help then fair enough, (actually no, its not fair but i guess i would put up with it if i knew she was getting help) my friend felt she had to put up with this constant abuse as her mum regularly threatened suicide if she refused to help her. she was stuck either way. no answers im afraid sorry you have to go through this x

clairebear2502 Thu 17-Feb-05 08:49:54

hi nightowl. she sort of tells the truth but the doc told me that he has offered her help but she refuses.even when shes sober she never admits she has a problem. its got to the stage now where she just stinks of alcohol the whole time.think its just coming out of her pores.
to make matters worse i phoned my grandparents because i needed to tell them what had happened so that they would know i have tried to help.
but low and behold my mum had already spoken to me grandpa and only told him i had told her to f off and chucked her out of my car. She failed to mention she attacked me and that the reason i chucked her out was because i didnt want to have an accident.my gran said we both need to leae it a few days and try and talk.WHY SHOULD I? i keep trying and just get hurt in the process.
it just makes me look bad which is frustrating as i tried to help her. dont know what else to do.yesterday bought back lots of memories of the past which i thought i had managed to get over.

busyalexsmummy Thu 17-Feb-05 16:22:15

Hi, ive been in a very similar situation, although my mum is also borderline personality, if you need to chat please feel free
alexsmummy(at)aol(dot)com

clairebear2502 Thu 17-Feb-05 16:53:13

thanks!! i know other people are in my situation but its difficult talking to friends who dont really understand what she s like.i know they mean well but its not the same! thanks you may well hear from me
x x

sobernow Fri 18-Feb-05 09:01:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fastasleep Fri 18-Feb-05 09:06:07

Just a message to say *big hugs!!* and I can definately empathise with this, my mum sounds like yours... the combination of ADs and alchohol is pretty horrific... I'm another one with no advice that hasn't already been given! But best of luck and I really hope that you find al anon helpful!

clairebear2502 Fri 18-Feb-05 10:23:06

thanks for your messages. im so sorry about your mum sobernow. i have tried so many times to distance myself from her but then the whole guilt thing comes in and i worry that if she dies i'll feel really really bad that i didnt help her more.although i dont have anything left to give now i dont think.so tired of it all.
she doesnt even feel like a mum. i cant talk to her or tell her stuff and i think id rather remember my mum the way she was when she was happy not like the frail old lady she looks like now, who doesnt give a s**t about her kids.
i really appreciate everyones help and advice. Really feels like people care.THANK YOU

sobernow Fri 18-Feb-05 18:19:34

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clairebeartheloon Fri 18-Feb-05 20:10:16

thanks i know where your coming from and im sorry about your FIL. i really appreciate what youve said to me. i actually printed it out today and am carrying it around with me in the hope that if i get weak or think too much i will read what you put and it will help me deal with it. i just am truly grateful that you have helped me put things in perspective.im eternally thankful x x

sobernow Fri 18-Feb-05 22:27:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nightowl Sat 19-Feb-05 06:21:21

clairebear, that makes me sad that you would feel if anything happens, that you didnt help her more. some times people dont want to be helped and it doesnt matter what you do. theres no way to make them see what is wrong, and if they cant see what is wrong they cant help themselves. unless they help themselves then there is absolutely nothing you can do. you are not responsible for your mum. you shouldnt have to be. its harsh, but dont let her ruin your life, you dont deserve it when all youve done is care.

clairebeartheloon Sun 20-Feb-05 14:15:06

thanks for your messages. my mun phoned me fri night about ten o clock. when i heard my phone ringing and saw who it was i felt sick and upset. i just let it go into answerphone. she left a message saying she was sorry and was just having a bad day and that if i want to get in touch then to phone her. she didnt even sound apologetic just like she was saying it to make herself feel better. Since all this stuff started with my mum a few years ago i have developed IBS and now have to take tablets twice a day in order to keep it under control although when i get as stressed and upset as i was this week the tablets dont help.ive told her shes making me il but it doesnt make a difference to her. really need to stay strong and not get in touch with her.im sure its for the best in the long run!!

sobernow Sun 20-Feb-05 14:22:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

clairebeartheloon Sun 20-Feb-05 14:31:05

thanks im gonna try my best!!

clairebeartheloon Mon 21-Feb-05 09:24:19

today i feel like s**t!!! i have had a terrible weekend.after fri night and my mum phoned i felt sick and upset. sat i was meant to go and celebrate my birthday although half of my friends didnt turn up. i ended up leaving early as everyone was in a couple and my man had his son sat night. i ended up crying myself to sleep.
sunday i was meant to cook for my man but he sent me a message after id put dinner on saying a problem had come up and not to worry cooking. when he got home he told me he'd had trouble with his mum and then his best mate and his wife.
he sat there and had his dinner and it was obv he had had a drink.he then fell asleep but not before he kept teling me how much he loved me and cared for me. i ended up going to bed alone.yet again i cried myself to sleep.he eventually came to bed at half three. all i wanted was a cuddle and to feel loved. i left a note saying this, this morning for when he wakes up.
i know there are people alot worse off then me but i just feel like everything is getting on top of me. plus my IBS has all started up again since the thing with my mum and i just feel drained.just feel like no one cares when all i do is give to people.
my dad and bro go away tomorrow and i have an interview.because i work with my dad we cant usually have the same time off but i think im def gonna have tomorrow off and maybe even wed.i cant concentrate on anything and if work cant cope then tough.they should find someone else who can do our jobs.im sorry to put all this down as ive said i know there are people alot worse off.just dont know what to do anymore

anorak Mon 21-Feb-05 10:27:06

Hello Claire. I have been away for a few days and so have only just seen this thread.

My mother was an alcoholic too, and had the constitution of an ox, which enabled her to survive far longer than reason would dictate. She died when I was 32, and I can't really remember her not being a drunk. The only mum I knew was an unpredictable, sneering bully. I remember so many times the kind of things happening that you describe, the suicide attempts, as well as accidents where she'd do things like dive into the shallow end of a pool. We had to call ambulances so many times we ended up quite blase about it in the end.

I remember such occasions as standing with her in A & E as she kicked my pregnant sister in the stomach. Five minutes later my sis and I were being berated by the nursing sister for treating her so badly that she had to resort to this (which was the story she was sweetly telling the staff).

My dad has been insulted and told he was a bad husband for going out without her after years of missing everything because she was always too drunk to go. My sister, brother and I have been sworn and shouted at for refusing to join her in calling my dad a f*ing b****.

We tried everything to help her but none of it worked because she didn't want to change things. And until the alcoholic does want to change things, you are wasting your time. The reason she just brushes it all off the next day is because she can't remember what a cow she was to you. You can spend hours talking to her, think you have really progressed with her, and the next day she will have no memory of it.

It almost ruined all our lives. I was trained from a very young age to attend to my mother's needs very carefully. Any errors would lead to violence or at the very least sneering and bullying. I was taught that if I mentioned any needs of my own I would be slapped down, accused of being selfish, and reminded of her much greater needs. I grew up thinking that my job in life was to squash my own needs and take care of other people's emotional requirements. I chose emotionally crippled men who bullied and abused me. I had no education because I left home at 16 in order to avoid being hit every day.

I always felt I should try to care for my mother, even when sometimes I felt at the end of my tether, after all I had been trained to respond, and I felt bad leaving my father to try and deal with it all alone. No matter how old I was she always continued to hurt me, I never learned to detach myself. Only after she died on her bedroom floor of acute alcohol poisoning was I able to address my feelings and begin to heal.

I had to allow myself to feel angry with her and to negate the years and years of believing her troubles were all my fault. I had to explain to myself that I had only been a child and so I was not responsible for her being as she was. Allowing myself to be angry and resentful towards her was a big breakthrough for me. Only then could I take off the years of blame she had burdened me with. I went through a long and extensive course of psychotherapy and in my late 30s began to find my real self and expect people to treat me well. Only then did I meet a man who respected me and thought myself good enough to marry him. I spent half my life depressed and miserable because of her. My sister and my brother had similar experiences.

Now I've moved on and I'm learning how people live when they have their needs met and are treated with love and respect. But I have lost half my life to it. I feel I have fared reasonable well though, some people never recover from such experiences and get the new lease of life I was given.

After all this, I know enough to tell you that you need to examine your own self-image and make sure your mother hasn't crushed your beliefs that you deserve as much out of life as anyone else, and that you don't have to take it when people don't treat you well. Your mother is her own problem. You are perfectly willing to help her in any way the minute she agrees to be helped. Until she does you can't do a thing for her. The only person you can help is yourself - to recover from the years of conditioning she has placed on you. Take care of you - make sure your needs are met in future and that you are receiving the support you need to get strong again. Then one day if your mother decides to change her life and asks you to help her you will be very able to do so.

I'll be here to support you if there is anything I can do, so if you want to talk to me, please do.

clairebeartheloon Mon 21-Feb-05 10:42:20

thanks anorak.everyone has been really kind and sharing their experiences. i just feel so alone and in need of love. i know my man loves me but i guess i need him to show me more at times when im feeling like this. I know what you mean though.she used to tell her friends and hospital staff what a cow i was etc etc and then she can put on this sweet innocent little face which makes everyone believe her and feel sorry for . its so hard to deal with and i hate people thinking bad of me when i am actually the one trying to help.
i just want to be happy again!!

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