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can't cope anymore

(25 Posts)
wheretoturn Sat 09-Aug-08 15:50:02

please bear with me on this cos i think its gona be long. can i also just say that although i have changed my name i am not a troll, i've been around long enough to know that cod 'wtrie lkie thsi' and that fruitshoots are evil!

about 6 years ago i was diagnosed with depression, i received treatment at the time and was prescribed cipramil (citalopram). I have had this depression under control for years, I have had my down times but i have always been able to ride them outknowing that i would eventually come out the other side.

But now something is different.

A few weeks ago when i was drying the dishes i was drying a sharp knife and i suddenly had this thought come out of the blue about what it would be like to cut myself my with the knife. I'm not saying i would do it but the feeling was so strong that it took me aback.

I put this to the back of my mind but feel like i am heading down so fast that i don't know what to do. I feel like i really have had enough and that i'm just so tired of everything. I love my children dearly and could never leave them but i think that if i didn't have the kids i would quite happily lie down somewhere and die. i'm quite calm about this, i don't feel hysterical or workedup i just feel like i really can't be bothered anymore with anything, like life is just to hard to continue with, like i could quite like to stop being alive. the only thing that stops me doing anything about this is the fact that i love my children more than anything

I've spoke to dh and he is brill but it doesn't stop me feeling like this.

He says i should go to the doctor but i'm scared that if i tell a doctor the truth then he will section me or they will think i am a bad mum.

I'm not really looking for any answers, its just sometimes it helps to get things down, and i don't know what to do, where to turn

sarah293 Sat 09-Aug-08 15:57:16

Message withdrawn

loopylou6 Sat 09-Aug-08 18:45:03

aww you poor thing sad please go the docs, they wont section you becasue you have shown you know you have a problem by seeking help, therefore you are not a danger to yourself or other people, but they will help you, maybe give you different medication, there is a light at the end of the tunnel <hugs>

Hecate Sat 09-Aug-08 18:48:10

They won't section you, they won't think you are a bad mum - they will think you are sensible for going to them!

You can't struggle alone, you need some help. 'They' are not sitting, waiting to grab people and throw them into institutions (it costs too much for a start! wink ) Help is out there, you need to - and are ENTITLED TO - get some.

The gp may refer you to the community mental health team.

There is nothing to be afraid or ashamed of.

wotulookinat Sat 09-Aug-08 18:56:20

They won't section you. I am currently being treated for depression (hello all that have listened to my moans in the last few months!) and I'm on Citalopram. I regularly have the thoughts that you are describing, and my doctor referred me to a counselling service in order to talk them through. I haven't yet plucked up the courage to mention these feelings to me counsellor, but he is helping me to focus positively.
Please do mention it to your doctor. I know it's hard. And don't stress too much about them. I find they are usually momentary and pass as quickly as they come.

wheretoturn Sun 10-Aug-08 12:57:23

I really need to get osme help today! feel really scared like soemthing bad is gona happen. have phone sane, mind, depression alliance bit nowhere is open

wotulookinat Sun 10-Aug-08 15:34:48

Remember that YOU are in control. Nothing bad will happen as long as you are in control.
How about the Samaritans? They will be open.

wotulookinat Sun 10-Aug-08 15:35:51

08457 90 90 90 for the Samaritans

kormachameleon Sun 10-Aug-08 15:38:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

wheretoturn Sun 10-Aug-08 16:20:24

i don't feel in control, everything has justbecome too much. its like my mind can't cope with even the simplest of things. feel like my whole brain has shut down, feel numb, even towards my children. hate the feeling of not wanting to be here. must stress though that i would never do anything, no matter how bad things are i can't leave my children.

thought about the samaritans but need someone to tell me what to do and know they're fab but are there to just listen not to give out advice.

sorry i sound like i'm just moaning and dp is brill but feel so bad for him, he is so tired and must be really fedup with me. keep telling him i'm sorry but he tells me not to be daft. just feel like i'm letting him down so badly, but cna't pull myself out of this hole. and don't know which way i'm heading, feel worse today than yesterday.

Threadwworm Sun 10-Aug-08 16:26:07

I think I understand how you feel. Depression is particularly hard when you are in a situation (parenthood) where their are all sorts of practical demands on you that you can't escape. The numb brain, not knowing what to do next from second to second, are all signs of the stress that results from the slowed-down brain of depression.

And the thought of violence? Please don't worry about that too much. I have these violent images often, without acting on them. You love your children and even in the middle of this depression they are fully at the centre of your heart and constrain you from certain actions. You are a very good mum.

Go to the doctor tomorrow, please. Make sure they know you need an urgent appt. They won't section you or judge you a bad mum. Anti-depressants might well help, and you can be referred for counselling etc.

Be kindd to yourself today.

Threadwworm Sun 10-Aug-08 16:27:45

Violence to yourself, I mean, as in your op.

wotulookinat Sun 10-Aug-08 17:22:28

Threadworm is right, please go to the doctor tomorrow. You will certainly not be the first person he/she has seen with such worries and thoughts.
When I went to the doc about my depression I cried and cried and it was onlt 9.20. I said to him that I was so sorry, and he said not to worry, I was the second person that he had seen in a similar state that morning!
Counselling is really helping me. Ask your doctor to refer you.

wheretoturn Sun 10-Aug-08 20:15:41

i do want to got to the docs but don't know where to start, how do i tell him that i can't stop thinking about knives and about taking my life. he's going to think that i'm a danger to myself which i'm really not.

TheMadHouse Sun 10-Aug-08 20:23:53

There is usually a crisis team that you can get refered to via your GP. I have been treated for mental health issues in the past and was oh so scared that they would take the children off me or section me.

They didnt and I was worse than you - I think grin

I received superb help, CBT, visits in the interim and referral to a phyc. I have only just been referred back to GP 1.5 years later and I am still on AD's, but I am a lot more in control.

You accept that you have an issue, which is the first step to gaining control.

PLEASE see your GP tomorrow. If things are not better tomnight then call the Samaretans 08457 90 90 90 or keep posting

wotulookinat Sun 10-Aug-08 22:08:18

Bite the bullett and go for it. Walk in a start straight out without something like 'I can't stop thinking about killing myself'. He'll take notice and then you can't back out of telling him. Good luck smile

wotulookinat Mon 11-Aug-08 14:43:08

Wheretoturn, how are you feeling today?

sleeplessinseatle Mon 11-Aug-08 17:04:31

x

sleeplessinseatle Mon 11-Aug-08 17:13:00

wheretoturn, I just wanted to say that I have recently gone to the doctors with depression, and have just had my first CBT session.

I confessed to actually cutting, not just thinking about it, and I havent been sectioned!

The woman was really nice and I had gone in convinced I wasnt even going to admit to the cutting.

It is hard to bite the bullet and go to the doctors, but fear of being sectioned isn't something that should put you off x

wheretoturn Wed 13-Aug-08 12:12:00

sorry haven't replied, not been great, just didn't want to leave it without replyinh. have docs appointment at 3.40 today, had to fight just to get that one

Threadwworm Wed 13-Aug-08 12:15:59

I'm so pleased you have an appointment. Please don't be afraid to speak frankly to the doctor. They need to understand exactly how bad you feel. And if you are confident that you will not act on your self-destructive feeling, they will believe you about that too.

I wish you all the very best.

wheretoturn Wed 13-Aug-08 18:14:24

hi, Well my appointment was anywhere near as scary as I thought it would be. Doc gave me some diazepan(sp?) just enough for a week. She has kept my does of citalopram the same for now. I have to go back tomorrow, and then again next week. She has also refered me to a phsyciatrist (really can't spell) she said if i do feel like i am actually going to harm myself then i must go straight to A and E but don't really understand why that is.

I am feeling much calmer now. I can't thank you all enough for the support you have given me over the last few days. You will never know how much you have helped me xx

wheretoturn Wed 13-Aug-08 18:15:01

that should be appointment was NOWHERE near as scary

twoboots Wed 13-Aug-08 18:32:47

the reason she advised you to go straight to a&e is because you would get a psychiatry opinion straight away (albeit from a junior doc who would discuss with consultant)

Threadwworm Wed 13-Aug-08 19:45:04

Really pleased that you are feeling brighter and that the appt went ok. The repeat appts and the referral suggest that they are taking you seriously and that (hopefully) you will get all the support you deserve.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

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