Lots of ranting really - very frustrated.

[smurfgirl]

Everything feels like it is going wrong in my life and I am struggeling so much, all I hear is everyone telling me its my fault - and even though everyone says they are not I know that the jist (gist?) of it is that it is. Everything that has gone wrong is all my fault because I am so stupid and useless.

And I don't want to cut anymore because it doesn't work, and I want some peace in my head which usually = overdose and as much as I want to its not terribly practical really and its all a bit of an arse to deal with and then there is the hassle to DP and its probably not big enough anyway.
I keep thinking that if I do something big enough to myself all the stress and everything will stop. I think about crashing the car when I drive. But its not a good idea is it really.
I am so tired of everything and everyone says they just want to help and support me but i don't feel any of it probably because I am a stupid knob.

[Anies]

Hey there, not having a good one, are you? Are you alone, is there anyone you can talk to in your house? Or on the phone? It might help avoid harming yourself- you sound really down...

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[charliecat]

I doubt you are a stupid knob You give a shit enough to be posting here trying to sort this out.
Is dp about for a hug? Think you need one

[smurfgirl]

No kids (i don't have any). DP is upstairs. I won't cut myself I did it on Wednesday and it hurts and its probably infected and it didn't really make me feel what i wanted to.

I jsut feel beyond stressed and into unsafe and ridiculous but then I can't be ebcause everything that has gone wrong is to do with me being a tit.

[Portofino]

You ARE NOT a stupid knob! You're just having a hard time at the moment. Does your DP make yo feel that everything is your fault? You really should go and speak to your GP about your anxiety. Have you got friends nearby?

[HumphreySmallPillow]

sg, have you had your cuts properly dressed?
can the a&e staff help with referrals to counsellors?
you had some counselling before, didn't you - unless I'm getting you mixed up with another poster?

[Anies]

You are having a terrible go against yourself, how come you have such a low opinion of yourself? You need to speak to someone, your GP perhaps, out of hours doctors this weekend? Friends, family?

[smurfgirl]

Yeah I got stitches in it on Weds - I am a twat to myself but I know when I need stuff doing to my cuts.

I see someone every week and I spoke to him on the phone today. Just feel very lost and urgh.

[Anies]

Would it help if you mentioned what is going on in your life at the moment? What is stressing you out?

[smurfgirl]

When I say it it will seem shitty and ridiculous and everyone will think I am over reacting and being stupid etc. SO that in mind.

Am student nurse. On final placement and had a job there, made some (not small) mistakes whilst there and they have failed me and had to leave the placement and no longer have a job. Uni said I can have another placement but toda they said I have to see occy health dr to see if I am fit to go on placement again because they clearly think I am a fucking nut job. But my mental health has plumeted mostly because of the job/placement stuff. I feel like a big fucking stupid idiot and am probably not reacting terribly well to everthing. And everyone keeps saying they want to support me but I don't feel supported at all. I feel like everyone is ganging up on me and that everything has just gone to pot.

I feel stupid and useless and like I have let everyone down. I want to not exist to diasppear because I don't want to feel anything any more, nothing at all.

[thumbwitch]

SG, what has happened to make you have this reaction? Why are you feeling like a stupid knob etc. just now? Can you talk to your DP about the situation or is he not listening to you?

You can always have a good ol' rant here about whatever is upsetting you but you must remember that you can get peace in other ways without going to extremes.

Is your counsellor actually doing you any good, do you need to change to another one?

Remember that you are a valuable person who is worthwhile; and that you have a DP who wants to marry you (not that this should be necessary to validate your worth)

[ScottishMummy]

to clarify - right now do you have any wounds?sustained any injuries?

you can present at A&E see on call psych

what are your intentions?

do you have crisis team/cmht to contact?

what will give you peace in your head?cutting wont.you suggest previous overdose, so clearly that doesn't work either

you might not with to hear this, but you need to work collaboratively with a psych MDT. this wont provide immediate resolution, and can be short term painful to discuss revisit details.But you need to allow time to recover

[Anies]

Smurfy, listen, most of what you say is your own damning view of yourself. The fact is you have failed your placement, at a time when you are obviously vulnerable (rather than a nut case- enough with the putting down of mental difficulties, eh? ) When one is anxious it is very difficult to function, so you failing is probably not a true reflection of what you can achieve, it is more a sign of going through a lot of stress.

Also, it might be a blessing in disguise, this might not be the best career for you; better to know it now that in years time with a burn out. Mind you, do you think that the experience ofthe placement made you feel vulnerable?

Sorry about the preaching, but I can see how upset you are at this lonely time in the night...

[HumphreySmallPillow]

sg, the situation with uni would make anyone sad and upset.

but they have to make sure that you can cope with the stresses that you are under at the moment, and they are trying to help you, I think.

have they scheduled an appointment with the occupational health doctor for you?

do you have a personal tutor/mentor at uni?

[smurfgirl]

No nothing tonight - feels pointless but I want to punish myself or something or just stop feeling but then I didn't stop feeling on Weds did I , i cut and cried and cried and I don't cry when I cut. I didn;t do enough but it hurt so much I had to stop I wish I had done it bigger really, I look at it and feel disappointed that it was not better - thats what I deserve.

ODed in past - has given mucho peace yes but sometimes enough has to be enough and any more and I am into double figures and well.

I contacted my bloke today - is manager of A&E liasion v.g for me, v.rational when I absolutely not rational at the moemnt. All I could hear him saying was that everything was my fault and that i was stupid and everything was myfault even though I know thats not what he was saying or what he meant.

[Monkeytrousers]

It will just take time. Try to take it. Don't panic. There is no miricle cure, just time to put yourself back together. You will get there and one day you will wake up and not regognise yourself. There will be blips, but try not to catastrophise. Time is your friend, and when you accept that, in less than no time, you will become the person you want to be. But it does take courage. x

[smurfgirl]

I want to be a nurse and am generally very good - have made stupid mistake after 3 years of training and so not as easy as saying oh well its not for me you know?

I know everyone is trying to support me - well my head knows it - but my heart doesn't and I am just so frustrated with everyone. Particularly myself.

Uni dr next week probs.

I wish I was dead but I don't really I just want everything to stop.

[ScottishMummy]

right get off the internet.get in bed.bit of distance and closure at the mo

get up eat

make a list 2 must do mental health priorities, and attend to them

ok you made some errors

deep breath step back - reflect
what/when/why
influencing factors

what would you do differently
what have you learned

what do you want to do now
what has Uni actually said

[Anies]

As I said, you make mistakes when things get so much on top of you, and it is probably not a true reflection of your abilities or skills. In these professions (I am in similar profession) you have to keep yourself in good order, to be able to offer to others. At the moment, you need to first take care of yourself I think, take your time.

Preaching again, sorry, I'got to go to bed but SM has some very good suggestions.

Have a good night, look after yourself

[smurfgirl]

ok you made some errors

deep breath step back - reflect
what/when/why
influencing factors

• uni/me think its the area - not suited to me, i made mistakes and got worked up and anxious and made more and more mistakes and didn;t have enough support early on - everything just went wrong

what would you do differently
what have you learned

• i need to think things through more

what do you want to do now

• go back on placement somewhere new and do it right and show myself i can do it

what has Uni actually said

• no placement until occy health dr because i am unsafe and shit and they are worried

I am just fed up of everything i want to be left alone but is a no go and i understand why everything just feels hsitty, I feel shitty.

(i am not pissed btw, just poor typing!!)

[ScottishMummy]

you know how professional standards and proficiency to practise works.they need to assess you and the environment

so this isn't a persecutory witch-hunt,it is regulated and tight process to protect you and assess suitability of placement

are you being offered another clinical placement?same setting?different?

righty, so.

meet personal tutor
Occupational Health will be involved
i imagine a mtg be scheduled to discuss options. attend, remain calm, is there any independent counselling/representation service avail

[materfamilias02]

Gud Nite God Bless

[smurfgirl]

Placement will be diff setting.

I know I have to be safe - I get that 100%. Just feel that all this has got muddled in with my mental health and the uni have blended them all in.

I hate myself for making mistakes - it is all my fault - thats where the punishment comes in.

I can't see clearly I know I can't because I am stupid and useless. I hate being me.

This sounds whiney and stupid. Everyone is frustrated with me because I am a tit.

Have had lots of tutor meetins - am quite far down the line - just feel shit I am fucking everythig up and i need to stop but I can't.

knob knob knob

am not in bed cos can't sleep anymroe.

[materfamilias02]

Go c yr MD 2morroget sum tamazees or largactyl Thay r not a solution but will defo help then u will b able 2 think stright

[ScottishMummy]

go to offline.internet too stimulating.get some distraction.sleep.too much introspection

think about the cycle of self-blame, setting unattainable standards.punishing oneself.deep breath everyone ponder woulda/coulda/shoulda moments in work. Are you stuck on poor self worth, internalising negative feedback

you need to demonstrate mental and physical stability, stamina and ability to work with vulnerable pts.of course occupational health and uni need to assess this. for you and the clinical setting

this is not necessarily punitive process, it is about your competency and ability to sustain demands of a clinical environment

dont rush just to complete just because you feel the imperative to do so. you need to be fit, competent, capable in yourself. the leap from student to qualified is enormous