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Struggling to cope, what can i do?

(28 Posts)
Donbean Mon 07-Feb-05 13:07:03

Having waited so long for my baby i had not anticipated just how hard it is.
From day dot he has been hard hard work. From feeding hourly for the first couple of months. Inability to sleep for more than 2/3 hours at a time at night. I have got him settled and he has been sleeping through the night for about 2 weeks now (he is 19 months old)
Within these two weeks in the day he has been clingy, whinging and crying allot.He has croup.
I have been having the best sleep that i have had in nearly 2 years and i still feel exhausted.
Now he has become a toddler i am finding it very very difficult to cope with his behaviour and his distructive streak.
He doesnt have ADAH or any thing like that in fact he is perfectly normal, i just loose it in a big way.
We have moved every thing out of reach, our tall book cupbourd resembles a second hand shop, crammed with the phone, notepad, pot of pens, nappy cream, nappy bags candles, quite simply we have had to move every thing from his sight and reach. Today he grabbed my diary from a little telephone table (tucked away between two chairs and the setee) and knocked a full boiling hot cup of coffee all over the floor the proceeded to paddle in it.
I wanted to throw him through the window and i yelled at the top of my lungs "naughty boy" his lip curled up and he broke his heart.
These incidents are happening more and more now.
Im fed up with not bieng able to find any thing because it has had to be shoved away, im fed up with telling him over and over again to stop doing this or stop doing that.Im fed up of the mess and never ever bieng able to get on with any thing.
I waited so long for him, he is the most precious thing in my whole life and i adore him.
I need you to put it all in perspective, tell me to shut up moaning and to get on with it. I just need to natter about the whole thing please?

Flossam Mon 07-Feb-05 13:11:52

No experience of it yet DB, but just wanted to say poor you. It sounds very tough. I hope someone else comes here with a miracolous cure to make it all better for you!

Lonelymum Mon 07-Feb-05 13:20:10

Oh Donbean, I have so been there! Do you know, you are the first person I have ever seen admit to what I used to feel: that bit about wanting to throw your ds out the window. That is exactly what I used to feel about my ds1!

It will get better, of course it will, but not for some time yet. I have to be honest and tell you that. My ds1 was in to everything and used to cause quite as much havoc as you describe. They are not all like that. Ds2 and dd were angels but now I have ds3 and he is rather like his oldest brother! But, to tell you the truth, we laugh about ds1's antics now. He loves hearing about them and it almost makes him a more interesting character because he used to do these things. Ds2 and dd say "what did I use to do?" and I can't think of anything funny.

Mine also didn't sleep through until ds2 came (18 Months) so I know how you feel about sleep deprivation too. My dh says it is only when you start getting some sleep that you feel shitty because you are at last realising what you have been missing.

I can't give you many practical ideas to stop him behaving this way. He is probably very intelligent and will do well at school. I used to think other people's babies were good but also rather boring too, just sitting there playing quietly. Try and enjoy what you have and try not to care too much as you see your possessions trashed!

handlemecarefully Mon 07-Feb-05 13:30:16

I have challenges in quite a different way. My children are always ill - more so than average, I'm quite sure. Since December dd (2.6) has had croup, flu, gastroenteritis, and ds (0.9) has had flu, gastroenteritis twice(leading to dehydration and hospitalisation on the last occasion) and now an ear infection. All in the last 9 weeks.

Not trying to compete with you for title of the most hard done by! - just truly empathising with how hard parenting of small children can be. I read somewhere that mums of pre-school children are the most susceptible group to depression.

Sometimes despite loving my children totally, I wonder if I would have bothered having them if I had the power of foresight and could have seen my life as it is now. I think the answer is unequivocally yes I would still have them (because they are both so lovely and loved), but I still find motherhood pretty damn miserable sometimes!

You are not alone!

nailpolish Mon 07-Feb-05 13:34:39

donbean

its hard isnt it?

do you look after him a lot on your own? i mean, is it just you and ds a lot of the time? have you thought of taking him to nursery one day a week? he would really enjoy it i bet and you could have a day to yourself to recharge your batteries, sleep, do housework, shop, read magazines, anything.

just a thought, i dont know what your situation is at the moment, are you working?

colette Mon 07-Feb-05 13:39:01

Donbean, he sounds just like my ds who is also 19 mnths old. We have put a hook on the bathroom door and our bedroom because he throws things doen the toilet , smears soap everywhere and throws things in the bath, last week he smeared most of my new expensive facecream over him and ate some. It may sound ott but I could have cried He has just "spat " a cup of milk down him, he follows me around whining if I am trying to do something. He is much harder work than his sister and much stroppier.
But he loves going to playgroups or parks so a lot of days are better, it will improve but I totally understand how you feel. I feel guilty too when hev p**s me off. It was good to hear you also have a deliquent(sp)Maybe they will be wonderful teenagers to make up for it.

Donbean Mon 07-Feb-05 13:40:12

Thanks, although not so much bothered about posessions (i would them up in a heart beat if i had to)its the huge upheaval i suppose.
You know how when you are expecting them you make the house "child proof, or child friendly" well we did all that and it still isnt enough. He gets into nooks and crannies and is such an inquisitive soul he always always finds a way.
(Going to be a safe breaker or something of the criminal underworld me thinks!)
I am not the most patient person in the world and i am determined to make every effort to be as calm as i can be but its just so very wearing isnt it from morning till noon till night!
Feel silly moaning now,at least im not alone

nailpolish Mon 07-Feb-05 13:41:42

donbean i dont think you are moaning, i think you need some time out (see my earlier post please)

Donbean Mon 07-Feb-05 13:44:49

I do work, 2 days a week and do you know what i look forward to most! Having a wee in peace! I even go and sit on the loo when i dont need a wee, just because no one will bother me at work!!! Loooooooser!
This is ongoing and you are all absolutely right, it is great to get out with him and i try to get somewhere every day (swimming, soft play, play dates etc) and i have some fantastic friends but i am always the one who they off load to, they tell me thier troubles and i always feel that they have got enough of their own problems to be bothered about me moaning.

nailpolish Mon 07-Feb-05 13:47:57

so the other days of the week its just you and ds? have you thought about nursery to give you time to yourself?

im only saying this because i know how you feel. i work one day through the week and one at weekends but i send dd to childminder 2 days through the week so i have one day to myself (i dont feel guilty about this anymore)

Donbean Mon 07-Feb-05 13:49:22

I too work one day in the week and one day at weekend. I dont send him any where really. He is due to start play group in september. Its just me and him all day, dh home in evening.

nailpolish Mon 07-Feb-05 13:50:52

why dont you consider a day at nursery then? or a childminder which might be cheaper?

honestly, he will love it and you might feel better

??????????

handlemecarefully Mon 07-Feb-05 14:39:27

Absolutely agree - there is nothing quite so good for making you feel just a bit more human than time off from the kids. It's vital

Donbean Mon 07-Feb-05 14:40:29

How did you get over the guilt feelings though. I have thought about this befor not for me but because he is ready for more social interaction.
I felt very very guilty so decided against it and took on more activities with him instead.

nailpolish Mon 07-Feb-05 14:42:28

i stopped feeling guilty when i collected dd after her first day and she didnt stop babbling about it til she closed her eyes and went to sleep that night.

when she brought home a finger painting.

when she was so excited the next week when i told her she was going back today!

Donbean Mon 07-Feb-05 14:43:56

The one near me that i considered is £28 per day, this seems expensive to me, is it about the average or is it allot?

handlemecarefully Mon 07-Feb-05 14:46:25

Look at it this way Donbean - you are feeling guilty as hell at the moment because you are snappy and irritable with him (with very good reason).

If a break from him helps you recharge your batteries and helps you be more patient with him when he is being a typical demanding toddler (bless 'em all!), then a day off from your little boy is very much in his interests (happier more tolerant mum) as it is in yours

nailpolish Mon 07-Feb-05 15:18:19

totally agree with handlemecarefully 100%

£28 a day is not bad i imagine! im £20 a day, but i know thats very cheap

MummytoSteven Mon 07-Feb-05 15:19:47

agree you could do with a bit of time to yourself.

£28 per day sounds quite reasonable.

nightowl Tue 08-Feb-05 02:25:54

donbean. i have two kids. my 7 year old is an absolute angel, helps me and only ever plays up once in a blue moon...i was so unprepared for dd. she was a "crying" baby. colic i suspect but still distressing for both of us. now at 13 months she is a stroppy child, sometimes she drives me mad. she doesnt cry...she screams..screams..and screams. the most high pitched wailing i have ever heard. i adore my children, i would kill for them, i would give up my life for them but i admit sometimes i get so annoyed with dd! its normal (i hope). i find myself wishing she was older sometimes so i dont have to hear that ear splitting wail..i feel guilty but thats honestly what i wish for some days. she's wonderful...but very demanding, her brother was never like this!

Donbean Tue 08-Feb-05 20:47:01

I know, Ds aggrivates me like NO adult can and has the ability to wind me up in an instant and he is a tiny little scrap of nothing really!
For instance today, he was pressing all the buttons on the stand up fan in his room. No problem, its not plugged in but that wasnt enough so he procedded to push it over! With a huge crash it smashed to the ground. I stood it up and told him "no". I left the room and when i looked he was doing it AGAIN!!!
Why?
He is lucifer im sure

nightowl Tue 08-Feb-05 22:58:56

dd used to have a tantrum and throw herself on the floor every time i said "no" to something...but at least she would wait 5 mins before trying again and eventually giving up! now she just ignores me..the child is very selective about what she hears, she never misses the word "dinner" anyway.

nappybaglady Tue 08-Feb-05 23:29:16

sorry, not read all thread. Have you got Toddler Taming by ?Steve Green.

Like all books you need to pick which bits of advice suit you but I think it's full of common sense. I sometimes hide in the loo reading it on bad days - reminds yoy that you're not alone in the struggle and gives you a bit of a plan when you're too frazzled to think for yourself

phoebeki Tue 08-Feb-05 23:47:55

Donbean, poor you. I have three boys 8,7,and 2 and scarcely a day passes without me feeling I could murder at least one of them! When the two youngest were very small it was particularly hard, motherhood really did not meet my expectations at all (too much Enid Blyton as a child I feel). Things do become easier. As they grow older you acquire some time for yourself again. I found sending them to nursery for a day a week from 18 mths a huge help. It really gave me a lift and timeout to recharge and enjoy/pamper myself a little. Also, a good group of likeminded friends experiencing the same thing (NCT,Church,Toddler Gp etc) with whom you can moan/swap horror stories...but they must be GOOD friends, not people who make you feel inadequate or you will feel even worse.
Do your friends fit the bill? Do you have someone to really talk too?
Toddler Taming helped me really laugh at my situation-great suggestion NBL!

Donbean Wed 09-Feb-05 12:08:50

I do have friends who are wonderful, but as i say they all have problems of their own so i dont bother them with my silly moans.
I am seriously considering nursery for a day, not to pamper myself but to get on with stuff.
I need to get to the library to get books on a course im doing at night class,just to be able to do an hour in the garden ould be nice.
Actually we went into the garden for a couple of hours yesterday and he really enjoyed his little self, i got a bit of cutting back and weeding done and felt great for it!
I really have nothing to complain about but just need to say these things to someone, do you know what i mean?
What i will say though is hats off to those single parents out there, i dont know how you do it....good on you all.

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