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I am in a dilemma

(64 Posts)
Lonelymum Mon 07-Feb-05 11:28:35

Feeling really low today. It is hard to explain and will take some time. Will anyone bother to read it? Will anyone understand if they do?

Two facts you need to know, or might know already if you have seen previous threads started by me:
1) dh was sacked from job two weeks ago but has a new one already but we have to move for him to do it.
2) I am an emetophobe (have a phobia about vomiting, or, more to the point in this case, have a fear of my children vomiting.) That is the bit I don't expect many people to understand. Don't try to. Just see how it affects me....

Dh has to start his job next week. It all came about very suddenly and he is only today trying to arrange the rental of a house.

The problem: he wants me to stay where we are until Easter so he can settle into his job. Basically I think he is very scared he will be sacked again and we will have moved and sold our house for nothing. I, however, cannot face the idea of being on my own with the children for six weeks in case they get ill. The house he is renting will be big enough for us all, I have checked schools and there are three that have places for my children. The children don't want to move and are upset so I think it would be better for them to get the move over and done with rather than dwelling on it for six weeks.

However, I haven't told their current school they are leaving and if we up and go next week, we will be leaving more than just school very abruptly. There is also cubs, beavers, swimming lessons, ballet and hospital appointments, including a operation on ds1 to be cancelled.

But I can't face being on my own. All I want to do is move now rather than in six weeks time. What do you think?

I don't expect you to understand how my phobia drives me. Dh lives with it and even he says I should stay for the six weeks. The worry about it has been getting me down now for days and last night I actually thought I would rather end my life than carry on this pathetic specimen of humanity, unable to cope with what is an everyday situation for parents the world over. I feel no better today.

If you reply, tread softly please.

TracyK Mon 07-Feb-05 11:31:09

how far is he moving?
can go mon morning and come back fri night?
do you have anyone that can come and stay during the week - or more than one person and split the 6 weeks up?

mummygow Mon 07-Feb-05 11:32:10

I'm so sorry to hear you anguish and pain lonelymum I dont know what to say I just want to let you know that I heard you - I was listening so sorry I dont know what to say ((hug))

Titania Mon 07-Feb-05 11:33:30

I don't know what to say hun. I'm sorry you are feeling so bad. I know what it's like to have a phobia that controls your life. It's unbearable and I really feel for you.

If I was in your shoes I would definatley go ASAP with DH. But thats just me. You have to do what YOU feel is right.

Please take care and you know where I am if you need me ok?


Lonelymum Mon 07-Feb-05 11:36:20

It would only be Mon - Fri. At the w/e he would come home or, more likely, we would go there to house hunt. No, no-one who would come. My MIL is quite good for that but she lives in Oz and only comes over here in the summer.

You will think litle of me, but if I tell you that when dh has one night away for work, as he frewuently does, I cry all day dreading the night alone with my children, you might understand what 5 nights in a row for six weeks will do to me.

I feel so despairing.

tribpot Mon 07-Feb-05 11:36:38

Hi LonelyMum - I've never heard of emetophobia but it sounds horrible

Taken rationally I can see that your dh is quite right that you should stay for the 6 weeks, upheaving your kids right now - even cancelling an operation - all sounds like a bad idea.

But .. clearly your phobia is real and is driving your judgement (I don't mean that in a nasty way, just stating a fact). Are you in therapy/counselling for it? If so, could your counsellor maybe talk you through the fears and how you can best manage them for this six week period? If not, is it worth a conversation with your GP about it?

lalaa Mon 07-Feb-05 11:36:39

can anyone pop in and out to check you're OK? can you make an arrangement so that if the children become ill, someone will be there to support you?
have you spoken to your doctor? he might be able to recommend some kind of social services support (to come to you and support you, not remove your children).
keep posting - someone will reply.
it sounds like a lot to deal with for anyone. and the phobia you have must be very frightening when you are left alone with your children. is there a support network for people who have the same phobia who might be able to help?

beachyhead Mon 07-Feb-05 11:36:46

I have followed your other threads and I think it is great how far you have come with your phobia in such a short time...the fact that you are even contemplating being on your own for six weeks is amazing - the first time I caught up with you, you were having a panic about ONE night - so see how far you have come......

I'm not sure if you have been to your GP yet or how the treatment side is coming along, but it might be something you can explain to whoever is treating you(and I hope someone is) that you really need help for this particular six weeks.

Practically, you probably think that your husband is right, that the kids get a break from their schools at a holiday time, so get to strat their new schools in a new term (which may be important). It also gives you time to wrap things up properly at the old house.

However, I know that this is a huge step for you - and you may not yet be at the stage where you can take it. You need to try to distance yourself from your phobia and not let it make the decision for you (although this is the hardest thing in the world!)....just look back and remember how well you are doing

Whatever decision you make it will be the right one for you at this time; But keep concentrating on getting better, because it will make the world of difference to you and your family.....

Good luck

Tessiebear Mon 07-Feb-05 11:38:12

I do understand how your phobia affects you (i have 2 good friends with Obsessive compulsive disorder) One of them has her MIL move in with her if she is particularly bad. Would it be an option for a family member to come and stay with you???
If it were me i too would want to go straight away ( btw i have decided to change my own DS's school this half term and it is amazing that once you ask around there are new clubs etc in the new area that are just as good as the old ones) And kids are very adaptable. You need to find out your DH's reasons for wanting you to stay for 6 weeks.... if there are no goo ones he must understand how badly you need to move and get settled

Lonelymum Mon 07-Feb-05 11:43:16

Some crossed posts but to all who suggest it, no I have no-one to turn to. Ask yourself honestly anyway, if I rang you up and asked you to come qucikly because my child is being sick, would you come? Not many people would.

I have been referred to counselling but I have heard nothing yet. Too scared and ashamed and despairing to go back.

I know it is sensible to stay to the end of term, but as that moment when I will be alone draws nearer, I am getting more and more depressed. I know suicide would be a dreadful burden for my children to bear so I don't contemplate it seriously, but in my heart of hearts I feel death is the only way out.

lalaa Mon 07-Feb-05 11:47:08

lonely mum, where are you? maybe there are people on here who could be around to help you if your child was sick.
I really think you should go and see your doc again about the counselling. take dh and/or a friend with you for support.

TracyK Mon 07-Feb-05 11:47:21

Could you afford to pay for a child minder p/time? live in help for even 80% of the nights??
or is there any voluntary staff available?
what ages are your kids?

NotQuiteCockney Mon 07-Feb-05 11:52:15

If I had a local friend with this issue, I'd come help if their kids got ill, particularly if they were able and willing to help me at other times (e.g. do a school run, borrow a three-year-old for a few hours). I'm not overly bothered by puke.

NotQuiteCockney Mon 07-Feb-05 11:52:30

So you may have local friends who could help you, too.

Lonelymum Mon 07-Feb-05 11:53:55

At 2 in the morning? No let's face it, I just can't get on with normal parenting duties like everyone else.

beachyhead Mon 07-Feb-05 11:54:26

Lonely mum, please follow up on the counselling - you did so well to get to the GP the first time, so maybe another visit now might be a good idea...

Gwenick Mon 07-Feb-05 11:55:46

Ask yourself honestly anyway, if I rang you up and asked you to come qucikly because my child is being sick, would you come?

You know what - yes I would. If I knew someone well enough to know that they suffered from such a frightening phobia as yours then I would be willing to go out to help them if they needed me.

amynnixmum Mon 07-Feb-05 11:56:00

Oh Lonelymum{{{{hugs}}}},
No advice about the move but please get onto your GP and chase up your referral. You have nothing to be ashamed of so please please ask for their help.

NotQuiteCockney Mon 07-Feb-05 11:56:44

If it was someone local (and I'm thinking here of friends of mine who've helped out when I've had a hard time - come over to take care of DS1 when I was going into hospital with a miscarriage, that sort of thing), then yes, at 2am, fine.

Ok, if it happened every day for a week, I might get annoyed, but if it happened once, well, fine, I'd cope. They'd owe me for it, and I'd expect help, or some home-made biscuits or something, but life happens.

NotQuiteCockney Mon 07-Feb-05 11:58:20

Lonelymum, please do get counselling, it will help you enormously.

To keep you calm in the interim, you might be able to find a local mum who'd be the person you'd call at 2am, a safety net of sorts. If you knew you could call someone if you had to, it would calm you immensely, right? And how likely is it that either of your kids will throw up in the six weeks you'd need that protection for?

Lonelymum Mon 07-Feb-05 12:03:51

Well ds2 went to bed last night with a bucket by his side and was still complaining of feeling sick this morning when I packed him off to school (though in my defence, he ate his breakfast and was chatting and as cheerful as usual) so I do think it is quite likely one might be ill soon. As everyone cheerfully tells you in the school playground, there is a lot going round.

No-one but dh and my GP (who seemed frankly incredulous when I told her) know about my phobia in RL. How do you start telling people about it?

As for the referral, well, it isn't going to happen now is it? I am either moving in a week or in 6 weeks. The thought of having to tell another GP what I told my present one.... well, let's just say, it will take some courage and a lot of weighing the individual up before I do it.

NotQuiteCockney Mon 07-Feb-05 12:07:51

Well, if a referral is unlikely, you might want to try talking to some sort of helpline about it?

And even if a child might be ill, it's more likely to be during the day than at night, so getting help will be easier.

Gwenick Mon 07-Feb-05 12:10:11

Lonely - it's not a phobia I have but I do have a problem (thankfully getting better now) which when I told my initial GP she just didn't believe me and thought I was making it up - Vaginismus - I saw another GP (I demanded to do this as I hadn't liked the first GP I saw , or her attitude) and after various swabs and 'tests' she referred me to the gynae unit at the hopsital who 'diagnosed' me - I then (eventually) got referred to the person I needed to see there. Although I moved while I was waiting for the referral.

When the referral letter came through I simply took the letter to my new GP and TOLD her that I wanted a referal to a closer hospital - and she obliged.

For a LONG time I didn't tell anyone in RL about my 'problem' but when I finally plucked up the courage to tell a few close friends I actually found them to be really nice about it.

lalaa Mon 07-Feb-05 12:11:36

hi again
i'm sorry that your GP has been less than supportive. is there any money for you to see a counsellor privately? could you write to your GP (the new one) and explain your feelings about your phobia and how if affects you?
In your position, I would put seeing a counsellor right at the top of my priority list and I'd try to get to see one as soon as I possibly could - this week. You sound as though you need all the support you can get at this very difficult time.

Socci Mon 07-Feb-05 12:14:00

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