Need help advice, at my wits end and feel a failure and horrible mother who seems constantly angry.

[evilbadmum]

OK its taken me a lot to actually write this, changed name obviously to avoid being recognised.

Basically I have 2 lovely children, 7 and 18 month old.

I also have a wonderful husband who works and takes care of us all.

I had pnd after the birth of my first child, and although felt low for a while after my 2nd was born didn't need to take any medication.

I seem to be have beem in a downward spiral for the last couple of months and i seem to constantly shout at my kids over the silliest little things, I have even and no its wrong and not proud of it, grabbed my eldest by the arm when he walked away from me when i was talking to him. I feel awful I have said sorry to him and he said it doesn't matter i am forgiven etc, but I can not forgive myself, I see my rage building over the slightest thing, I thought it was pmt at first but it seems to have constant, and snapping. I used to enjoy playing with them and feel now as though when I play with them its put on and false as i would really rather be on the oc or slumped on the sofa watching telly.

My doctor is ok, but I am sure she will just put me back on ad's, think it might be the best thing, but until I can get an appointment I can not help thinking I am horrible, I dread the summer holiday and cant shake the feeling I am an evil mum, its making me sad and crying a lot.

Dh thinks I need to go back on the ad's, just feel like everybody else is a great mum and my 2 kids are saddled with me.

[Joanna82]

Just being on here and confessing this shows that you care a great deal about how the stress that you are under may be affecting your little ones. What you did to your son was wrong but I'm sure that many people have been there. The fact that you apologized to him (many wouldn't) illustrates how conscious you are about your role as a parent, and much you regret it. Take a deep breath and let that one go at least.

My DS is only 9 months old so I have never grabbed him, but he did land on his cot mattress a little bit quicker then he should have done a few weeks ago after I had suffered a week of VERY bad nights. I felt awful and kept looking for signs that he still liked me the next day. A bit silly perhaps ...

Being a mum, for many of us is just really, really hard.It is perfectly natural to feel that it's all too much at times. I know that on occaision I have lain on my bed and wondered if I could just quietly run away. I also have a wonderful DH who looks after me, and is endlesly patient.

I've had a touch of PND too (feeling a failure, feeling like my baby doesn't love me because I'm such a terrible parent ... I know that a lot of this is due to sleep deprivation) although I have never been to the doctors. I have self diagnosed. I've thought about going.

If you really don't want to go back on meds then you need to try some hollisitc approaches. Just a little time to yourself canwork wonders. Would this be possible? A long walk or lunch with an understanding friend? Just some time to be something other than a mother? I go to pilates and have a part time job and they both help.

[LackaDAISYcal]

oh sweetie, I'm sure you are not a horrible mum, but fwiw when my depression is bad i turn into horribly shouty mum as well and think i'm not really a worthwhile person to have children.

I also struggle to get involved with the kids and feel that I'm just going through the motions rather than enjoying them some days. I'm taking ADs already but am 24 weeks pregnant and think I need to get the dose upped as i'm losing the will to get motivated and enthusiastic about anything again and the house is a mess and I'm less groomed than usual (wouldn't normally countenance leaving the house without at least a bit of tinted moisturiser and some eyeliner on; now I'm lucky if I can be bothered to comb my hair)

Please go and see your doctor; there maybe other solutions to the way you are feeling, like CBT or talking therapies. And, if the PND is back and you do need to go on ADs, you know from before that it won't be forever, just to get you well again

Take Care.

[evilbadmum]

Thank you both of you, you made me cry, in a good way.

I just on that path of being down and only focused on the negatives and nothing positive.

[Joanna82]

Well you need to remember that despite how you are feeling at the moment you ARE in control of your life. In my experience, my feelings can change so much in a short space of time. Keep thinking about all those times you have felt happy and this will help you to remember that you can be happy again.

Perhaps going back on meds is a good idea, if they helped last time they could take the edge off at least and as Lackadaisycal says, it needn't be forever.

Councelling is also a good idea, even if you have to pay for it (the waiting lists are so long). It sounds like you need some solid support, someone you can talk to un-reservedly, because you seem to be suffering from a crippling sense of shame, and I can't stress how pointless those feelings are. They just eat you up and prevent you from getting better and being the happy person you could be.

I can reccomend a couple of books. Sunbathing in the Rain by Gwyneth Lewis and Torn in Two by R Parker. The first is a 'cheerful' book about depression, the second talks about the realities of motherhood and how natural it is to hate it at times.

You have to respect yourself. No matter how grumpy you may have been you have obviously guiven over your life to your children and that MUST be respected. You need to do nice things for yourself, even if you feel that you don't deserve it. I'm sure that you do.

Life is always hard when you have children because you are always 'torn and two' ... trying to live for both yourself and them. And the perfect, organic, domestic goddess culture that the media promotes doesn't help. The perfect mother doesn't exist you have to be satisied with being an honest one and only then can you discover how you can best cope with all this.
xx

[madamez]

Do you have anything you do on at least a weekly basis that is just for and about you as opposed to being for your DC or DP's benefit? Because if you don't have a job, a hobby or a weekly slot to see your friends or go for a drink or a walk or a swim, then you will be frazzled and irritable and stressed all the time. It is really really bad for your mental health to live your whole life as an appendage and convenience for other people. You need to remember that you are a person, not just a mother/wife.
If your DH is wonderful, he can look after the DC for, perhaps, Saturday afternoons and one evening a week while you go out and do something enjoyable. Good luck.

[LackaDAISYcal]

Even if I'm having a really bad day (and with my DH away four nights a week it can get pretty bad), I either sit with DH, or call him, and after offloading about things, go through all the good and positive things that have happened throughout the day. It helps me get things in perspective and go forward with a bit of enthusiasm for tomorrow.

It also helps to talk about the DCs and focus on all their good qualities; not just the things that, if I'm honest, wouldn't have bothered me as much if I wasn't feeling low.

It will get better

Can you talk to your DH about things? I think a supportive DP is half the battle.

[piggypoohsmum]

I had bad PND and have on & off Depressive episodes. These are usually to do with family traumas somewhere (but thats another story).
i had a wonderful dr who suggested i kept a diary of various symptoms.
they were
sleeplessness, irritability, tearfulness, sugar craving, agression, self hatred, violence clumsy, and there were others but i cant remember them.
There was a pattern to most that were hormonal and fitted in lovely with the cycle. there were others that fitted in with events that arose in my family at that time, which i have learnt that i have no control over. Just suggesting it might be worthwile finding if you feel like this all the time or just a week or 2 a month.
It is amazing how many babies have landed heavily into a pile of pillows or a mattress
Remember that you ARE human and like joanna82 says, text book mother's do not exist. Every one will lose their patience at some point.
Have read sunbathing in the rain & it is good. Also read how to have a baby & stay sane .
The guilt you felt afterwards shows that you are a good mum. it shows you care.
i do hope you get the help you need.

Summer hols let me see .... 2 weeks 2 weeks 1 week 1 week

good luck

[pickleandme]

Havent read all the posts as Im shattered and off to bed....but just wanted to let you now, that in my opinion, it sounds like you are not suffering from depression but just de-motivated and exausted like most Mums!!! I am a lone parent and have a 2yr old dd. Whilst I do love her dearly she is a real pickle and at the begining of the week I was at my tether! I admit to being a little heavy-handed with her at certain points of the day and then going thorugh huge guilt trips afterwards. I know its easy to say but what I did was basically a big refresh/shake up! I found that I was in a bit of a rut, same day to day stuff, very much in my confort zone and not beign ethusiastic to my little one. Its only been three days of planned acitvity (up early, park, making camps in garden, putting her first rather than worrying about washing-up and chores etc) and constant reminders to give positive beahviour comments not focus on bad (although still keeeping the boundaries in a carm way)and we both feel so much better. Im still as shattered as always if not more, but |I feel better and feel a little more at ease knowing that I am not letting negativity to run our lives. By the way, I used to suffer from depression but htat was before i had my dd!. Have a good week hun and go easy on yourself!

[castlesintheair]

I'm coming off ADs at the moment and one of my fears is reverting to how I was. But I really want to come off the ADs. So, if it all goes tits up I'm going to try counselling (might try it anyway) and also heard accupuncture is good (I'll try anything once) .

You aren't an evilbadmum. My youngest is about the same age as yours and they wear you out at that age, however 'cute' they are. You need time to yourself now and then during the day and you don't need to feel guilty about being human. Hilarious coming from the most guilt-ridden mother on the planet but just to add to what others have said, you aren't alone.

[pickleandme]

Just to add (castles in the air) I have never been on AD's but was offered them! I was so worried about becoming reliant on them I opted for councelling. It definately helped, if only to get somebody elses feedback on my negative thoughts. I realised I was holding on to guilt issues and seeing everybody elses life so much rosier than mine, which actually isn't the case. I certainly think counselling is a good thing to try, if only to get some 'you' time!

[evilbadmum]

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply.

i have lots to feel guilty about, both my kids are fantastic, they sleep through, my youngest still have a 2 hour sleep at lunchtime, my dh comes home from work and does housework and what needs to be done.

I can talk to my dh, he understands as much as someone can that hasn't experienced depression.

My closest friend is also on ad's, I do tend not to talk to much to her about it as she is on a higher dosage than me and usually there listening to her.

I guess even though I do have a lot of time for myself I don't really do anything worthwhile with it. I called the doctors and the only decent doctor isn't available for a couple of weeks, but I think what I probably need to do is go back on the medication, when I saw her a few weeks ago she wanted to give me a perscription then and I said I will see how it goes, I have a few weeks supply left from last time, so will take those until I see her and then while I have a clear head try other sorts of help so I can cope better next time, I just find myself slipping further down and know that if I don't take action now then these 6 weeks are going to be very long and not enjoyable for anyone, I usually really look forward to spending the extra time with my son.

Funny after taking the first pill I felt as though a big weight has been lifted.