I feel in a mess at the moment over something that happened 11 years ago. Why has it come back to me now? I am having nightmares and flashbacks and whenever I am alone I can't stop crying. When I am with the children I flick my switch and try to be the cheerful and attentive mother.
Its a long story but I was in an abusive and very frightening relationship with a much older man, who was very controlling, devious and sometimes violent. I got out and he stalked me but finally he stopped contacting me and I moved on. Then two years ago the police got hold of me as he was the prime suspect in a murder and I gave them a statement. It has since gone to trial and he was convicted. This was a few months ago now and I was fine. I didn't need to give evidence the police kept me informed and now it should be over and I don't have to worry about him ever finding me. So why have the nightmares just started. I dreamt he found me, raped me and killed the children and my husband. It was so real and now I can't pull myself together. He did terrible things to me but I thought I was OK. I really feel like I am going mad. I am shakey and feel sick.
I suppose a lot of it is guilt as I should never have got involved in the first place so i have only myself to blame for that, but at the time I had very little self esteem and needed to feel loved. He was my first boyfriend and made me feel loved and safe to start with. Am I really so bad for wanting to feel loved? What really makes me feel it was my fault is that my parents knew about him and the trial but have not asked once how it went or what the outcome was. I know they are ashamed of me. My DH also knows about it but is funny about talking about ex partners so he showed very little support too. And now its over he can't see why it should still bother me. He doesn't know how its affecting me now.
Does anyone know how I can help myself to move on. I hate feeling like this and just want to be normal. I feel like this is going to haunt me forever. Thanks for reading.
PS I am popping out but will try to log on again later.
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.
Mental health
why is this trauma still haunting me?
8 replies
wanttohelpmyself · 17/07/2008 14:06
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.