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Please help, feel so lonely and guilty about being a crap mum

(10 Posts)
ktb123 Thu 17-Jul-08 10:09:52

Hi as you can see frome the title, am feeling terrible. Problems started at beginning of year with couples of health issues, since April have had terrible back problems, all after having a massage. Back feels contstantly in spasm, have been to my doctors and diagnosed with anxiety, and am now on citalopram 10mg and soon to up to 20mg. She feels my anxiety is compoundng back problems, which is true, have tried loads of painkillers which havent helped. I am not sleeping which obviously dosent help anything, My 2 are now off school, and I just dont feel motivated to do anything, so feel really guilty. Have not got anyone apart from my mum to confide in apart from 1 friend. Just feel that I want to sleep forever, to get out of this nightmare. DP has no sympathy at all as he runs his own business and is too busy, even though I made him come to the doctors once, he just said to me in front of the doctor "just get on with it" He is no help at all. Have counselling booked in September as I cant have before as no one to look after kids, how sad is that?

When will the citalopram kick in? Just need some energy to get through the day. Feel awful that my kids are suffering because I am so crap. Also, like to take pride in appearance, but I just look so awful, great bags under eyes, skin spotty etc. Just had to get this off my chest and want to cry.

penona Thu 17-Jul-08 10:16:25

I don't know anything about citalopram but am bumping you so someone else can help....

Hang in there x

Threadwworm Thu 17-Jul-08 10:22:49

I'm so sorry you are feeling low. Citalopram will take at least a couple of weeks at the 20mg dose to kick in, so hang on in there and expect to start feeling a bit better soon. Be kind to yourself. I'm sure you aren't a crap mum.

Citalopram is meant to be quite good at dealing with anxiety as well as depression.

Plenty of long baths with lovely bath bubbles to treat yourself and sooth your back. You deserve to pamper yourself.

aquasea Thu 17-Jul-08 10:24:03

I am afraid I don't know anything about citalopram either but I didn't want your post to go unanswered. You aren't crap, you are going through a difficult time and are getting help. You will get through it.

BigBadMousey Thu 17-Jul-08 10:51:24

OK firstly send your DP over here so I can kick his backside. You have an illness so getting on with it is not quite that straightforward angry

10mg Citalopram is a very low starter dose but taking the low dose first helps you avoid the side effects you can get when you first start taking it. 20mg is the normal starting dose and lots of people are on more. I get a lot of relief from a severe depression with the doses you are on / will be on so don't think just because it is a low dose it might not work.

While you have depression you will find it very difficult to motivate yourself to do anything - that is one of the worst parts of it for sure. It is a downward spiral though if you beat yourself up about it because you will make yourself feel worse = less motivation to do things = feel even worse. To break that cycle you need to give yourself a break and realise that what you have is a very dibilitating condition and that means even getting up to make yourself a drink requires a huge effort on your part. You wouldn't expect someone to be able to do that with two broken legs but, because you don't have a physical condition you wil think you should be able to get on with life - it's just not like that.

The citalopram sometimes kicks in very quickly and sometimes takes a few weeks or a month - what tends to happen is that the improvement is very subtle. You don't realise it is happening until a few weeks down the line when you look back and realise you have felt better. I found I had more energy if I took it at bedtime - might be worth experimenting to see how you get on before changing when you take your dose though. It used to make me very sleepy after I had taken it.

Keep taking it - it is a very good AD. I took mine after years o avoiding ADs becuase my kids were suffering as a result of my depression. Once the Ads kicked in things we a lot better so look at it that you are taking a positive and very difficult step in caring for yourself.

I think the counselling will help no end - especially since you have no other support. I am in the same situation as you and have to take my DCs with me to sessions - doesn't work well but better than nothing. Do you have a childrens centre near you? I have been told that mine offers childminding for people our situation with no other support so thats worth looking into.

When you start to feel a bit better try to get out of the house with your DCs. Anything that involves some excercise will help you no end so swimming a walk in the park anything - it might be a huge effort to do at first but it will help.

There is a citalopram budies thread on here somewhere too btw.

You've probably had loads of replies since I starting typing this. Poor baby DS refluxed all over my laptop so I got a bit delayed!

BigBadMousey Thu 17-Jul-08 10:55:22

shock at the spelling and punctuation in my post so I hope it makes sense! I was typing fast with a wriggling DS in arms - thats my excuse and I'm sticking with it.

HonoriaGlossop Thu 17-Jul-08 11:07:54

Good post by BigBad - good advice. I would just add that you shouldn't feel bad about going back to the Dr if you are just not feeling BB said, lots of people are on more than 20mg so it is possible you'll need more anyway.

This won't be easy when you're feeling low but I think your DP, your mum and your friend need to rally round you this summer. Don't be strong for them, you need them to be strong for you. Your friend may be touched that you confided in her and pleased to help you in some way - people often are, even though asking for help is so hard.

You need some breaks where you don't have some responsibility for the kids. Treat yourself as if you had a physical illness; it's just the same. Your body needs rest in order to heal (having said that I know exercise can be very mood enhancing for many people with depression, but you need rest as well).

good luck.

ktb123 Thu 17-Jul-08 11:34:43

Thank you big bad mousey, I am touched that you have offered me some great advice. Am speaking to the doc today so may mention about going up to 20g, was delaying as am going on holiday in 2 weeks, and did not want side effects to kick in before, also traumatic time as grandfathers funeral next week.

DP offers no support wont do counselling or anything to help.
How can i get through to him? Taking dd's to hairdressers so have motivated myself to do something today. Its great to have support on here, if nowhere else for now. Has anyone else had back trouble? This has been going on now for ages can it manifest itself more as stress and anxiety?

HonoriaGlossop Thu 17-Jul-08 12:14:13

I think maybe someone ELSE needs to get through to your DP. Would your mum or friend do it? I wouldn't normally advocate other people getting involved but when you're low and vulnerable it is not always possible to fight your own case. It's a shame he's being like this. But someone needs to tell him to A) appreciate what you're doing in struggling on while unwell and B) that you have a REAL illness.

'no support, won't do counselling or anything to help' is pretty damning of him really. What does he bring to the relationship?!? Not saying in time honoured MN fashion 'LEAVE HIM!' just to say really it sounds like it is time for him to re-evaluate what he's giving here!

Sunshine78 Thu 17-Jul-08 13:38:11

I was just like you my dh kept telling me to pull myself together. He then sat down and read a book on depression and realised I was ill and everything changed and he supported me through it (still supports me when I need it).

You really do need to rest when you can (even if it means going to bed when the kids do) another thing my dh did to try and get me motivated again was to leave me a simple list of jobs to do nothing too taxing but enough to give me a boost of self worth (eg sorting out the draw under the phone of all the old pens that dont work)

I promise you keep taking the ADs and over time you will feel better agian you just have to give it time.

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