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Its starting again

(13 Posts)
HereWoGoAgain Fri 11-Jul-08 07:25:25

Long story....I am 37, when I was 9 yes 9 my mother got up one day from the Sunday dinner table and started screaching that she was going to die (when you are 9 you believe these things) this was the start of years of joy and fun.

Mum and dad were seperated (he liked drink more then family) we lived with her mother (who most days was a cow).
So at 9 years old I got to be the parent, it was endless panic attacks, trips to the hospital (where mum was branded a hospital hopper) nights awake making sure she did not hurt herself (or us) pills pills and more pills a stay in the local mental hospital (me and my 5 year old sister were taken to visit (oh the happy memories) and all the time my mother convinced there was nothing wrong in her head, as far as she was concerned she was really ill and going to die.

She tryed to harm sister and me, we almost got taken in to care, school suffered as she would not leave the house, (I did not go to school from the age of 12).
All the time my nan got harder and harder and my mothers siblins never stepped in to help.

So mum gets pills that seem to work a bit but she has never been 100% she has gone off the deep end many times since (we see it coming she never does) when nan died (bit of a blessing cause the viotent rows stopped) mum would walk the streets half dressed, bother the neighbours, phone me at 3am demanding to be taken to the hospital.
It put huge strain on my marriage, and my own health, my sister moved home to be with mum (who will not even sleep in a house on her own) sisters own marraige broke down.

So now mums Dr a locum from god knows where wants to take her off her pills (28 years on) mum is on a down ward tilt again, he wants to pu t her in to rehab, will take 5 years (joy she will be 70 by then) and mum is off again, she wont go upstairs, she sleeps in a chair, and is "dying" all over again.
I feel so so sorry for my sister being there and dealing with it, but I live 20 miles away, don't drive and have 2 children.
Sis called me at 6am saying she was at the hospital with mum who was "having a mad spell" she said was a heart attack (again).

My mother is not phycicaly ill in the least, apart from dibetis (but she eats chocolate for breakfast and will not take the pills she has been given) so when she has a "real" illness she don't want to know and will not do anything to help herself.

Sorry if this has been long and sorry if I sound resentful, I am, I want it all to go away, I love my mum and when she is on a even keel she is great, but I have 2 children ones I chose to have I do not want a 3rd, I do not want to have to be her parent all over again.

Can a GP refuse to treat you unless you agree to go to rehab? this is what hers has said!

If you got this far, thanks

forevercleaning Fri 11-Jul-08 07:31:28

Oh poor you sad

Was she ok when she was on the tablets, it seems peculiar that a Locum would come along and disrupt any kind of normality she and you, were all getting but taking her off the pills.

Have you heard this from the GP or do you think it is her saying this? Maybe she should see someone else for second opinion if this is the case. And go into rehab taking 5 years to sort her out, seems ludicrous.

I feel very sorry for you having all this stress, maybe chat with your own GP who may be able to help clarify if this would be a 'normal' thin to do with a 65 year old lady.

Good luck, and sorry I cannot be more helpful.

SuperSillyus Fri 11-Jul-08 07:51:14

That was a very stressfull childhood for you and your sister.

If your mother is not managing her diabetes well then that is going to add to her unsteadiness. I know how moody my dd gets when she needs to eat. Sugar level needs to be under control.

I would be trying to improve her diet and getting a second drs opinion perhaps or certainly further conversations with the dr?

I feel for your sister too and at least you two have each other in all this. That is one good thing.

HereWoGoAgain Fri 11-Jul-08 08:16:55

I am taking her to her GP on Monday, I know my sister resents the fact she does the lions share of dealing with mother.
I just get so angry inside and can't help being sharp with mum.
I know she has no one (my nan never let her have any friends) so the only people she knows are through me and my sister, the only life she has is going to/doing things with me and my sister. We are made to feel guilty if we want to do or do do things without her, it has always been this way sad.

But she is the most lovely helpful kind person in the world when she is "normal".

It is so frustrating for my sister and me as we have been there done that for years.
Mum does no like coping with the day to day, will not walk anywhere (although her legs are getting very bad) but is fine when she is taken on holiday.
My whole family are attention seekers, and as a child I was taken to the Dr every week while mum told him this that and the other was wrong with me, in turn I tend to get really ill before I go to the Dr these days as I don't want a 3 foot thick medical file to make them think I am playing at being ill.

I feel so sad, my Aunt said years ago that my mums life was a life wasted and she is right.
I think my own mother was so damaged by her mother who clocked up 3 breakdowns and was never a cheerfull or easy going person, that mum never had a chance, and in turn I am scared of ending up like them, sick in the head, and my children being scared of me, and burdened by me and in the end resenting me and wishibf I was not there anymore.

I know I sound selfish and maybe I am but it is not as if we ever get anywhere, the hospital do not say what mum wants to here she will do nothing to help herself and I feel the time to walk away is long past as no matter what you do it is never enough and nothing changes, but I always get dragged back in, and I hate her for it I really do.
My sister and I have both lost jobs or had to give them up in the past, it caused so many rows between my husband and I when my nan died and mum would ring day and night that we evded up hitting each other (no children at that point). My childern suffer from it too as I yeled at DS1 this morning as he could not find his glasses and missed his bus sad.

I am off out now but any advice on what to say to her GP would be welcome.

SuperSillyus Fri 11-Jul-08 08:41:32

good luck with the dr. I don't have any advice really. It just seems to me that you are all stuck in a cycle of negativity which can only drag everyone down.
Understandably you seem to be depressed by the situation and helpless and in turmoil because all your difficult memories are being stirred up.

Could you keep focusing on the good things about your mother and the good positive things about yourself. Be kind to yourself and do some positive things for yourself and your sister.

I really hope your mother starts to improve again soon.

HereWoGoAgain Fri 11-Jul-08 18:48:29

Thank you, I do try to not be dragged down by it all, I am really lucky that one of my In- Laws has said they will drive me to get mum to the GP so that will save masses of time

dora101 Fri 11-Jul-08 23:03:33

really sorry for your situation
can you find another GP for your mother and get his/her idea as well?

HereWoGoAgain Tue 15-Jul-08 21:42:39

So I went with mum to the Dr with mum and she was more or less forced in to signing the form for a rehab appointment.

He gave her some more pills for now whilst pointing out very loadly that he has no oblegation to do so.
He thinks they will put her on vailum then ween her off of that instead of the ativan (last time mum and vailum I woke up to find het trying to strangle me in my sleep.

My children are going to see all this, it is going to be hell.

Can I complain to the GMC? What do I do now?
TBH I am so so scared

littlewoman Wed 16-Jul-08 09:34:04

Has your mum ever been given a proper diagnosis for her condition, HWGA?

I'm so sorry you are struggling with all this. You must feel like banging your head against the wall.

Spaghettiarms Wed 16-Jul-08 09:45:19

I feel for y ou..

if I were in your position I would be getting a second opinion.
A perhaps even involving the community mental health team.
you know through experience the effect taking her off the ativan has and also the effect valium has on her. This locum seems to be going down the textbook route as opposed to looking at the big picture.

Do you have a good relationship with your surgery? could you have a conversation with someone there about seeing your mum as a temporary patient (say she is visiting?)

I really would get another opinion from this Locum

Good luck.. sounds like it is going to be hard to be strong when you have been worn down by so many years of it all..

thehappyprince Wed 16-Jul-08 11:06:22

Sorry you're having an awful time, hwga. I agree - it seems a bit pointless taking your mum off ativan after all this time, especially if she's relatively well on it. What kind of rehab is he talking about? For coming off ativan? Won't be succesful unless she wants to and there's some treatment for her underlying condition (do you know what it is?). You could ask GP for a referral to older peoples mental health team for advice/2nd opinion - they would probably say to continue on lorazepam, might suggest an anti-depressant which can also help anxiety and / or CBT if available and your mother wanted it. Technically it is up to him if he prescribes or not, but think you've got some pretty good arguments for saying it should continue. Can you ask to see another doctor at the practice for another opinion? They also have a responsibility to consider risk to children - have you made him aware of the environment you were brought up in due to your mother's problems? Hope things get better,

HereWoGoAgain Wed 16-Jul-08 14:22:28

My mother does not want to come off the pills at all, she suffers from stress anxity and for years would not leave the house, she has started going on holidays and even on a plane (all be it with my sister).
She will not handle coming off the pills at all and as she does not want to she will make all sorts of fuss to avoid doing so.

Her Dr only has the one GP there and so we can't see someone else.

I have been lying awake at night worring over this

thehappyprince Fri 18-Jul-08 07:57:31

hwga, I think I'd push for a specialist referral, emphasising the problems your mother had when you were growing up. If a referral's asked for, it's pretty hard to say no and he'd look pretty stupid referring her later when her mental health had deteriorated (much better to be involved early in any changes in meds). Can I ask how much she takes? I guess if it was a very big dose you could understand him being nervous about prescribing and would need back up from specialist to continue. Hope you get it,

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