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DP has had a shit day at work, he is stressed so.......I feel sick!!

(37 Posts)
lucyellensmum Tue 08-Jul-08 18:30:44

What is going on with me, i do this all the time. If he is stressed it stresses me out beyond anything that happens to me, if that makes any sense. It is not like he is going to come home behaving like an arse, he might be a bit quiet and short but thats it. But its ME, i go into a predictable cycle instead of just saying, there there dear, you have had a bad day, i start on the whole "well i told you not to do xyz" "why didn't you" over and over until he end up shouting and getting upset. Why can't i back off and grow up and realise that he might just want some help/ampathy than a stress pig of a DP.

So, he comes in having had a cock up at work, fetched something he needs to put it right, and moaned about what he had done and said he was pissed off, gave me a kiss and said he would be back soon, he wont be late cos he has had enough. So, theres not much wrong with that hey

So why do i feel: Sick, dry mouthed, heart racing, fingers tingling,like i want to crawl into bed and not get up, like i want to take some extra anxiety tabs that i have been prescribed but too frightened of side effects. Im already on citalopram.

What is going on with my head?? Its his problem not mine, he is entitled to share, but why do i make it OUR problem by acting like a three year old. Its like i get angry with him for causing me anxiety - poor sod. Help me to make him feel better tonight, not make him feel shitty like i normall do, then i end up feeling bad and start posting self pitying bullshit on here.

lucyellensmum Tue 08-Jul-08 18:47:58

Anyone........................please, he will be in soon and i can feel a full on panic attack coming on. He will have fixed his problem im sure and be fine hmm. Hands on the phone ready to phone him and start shouting cos he is late!

lucyellensmum Tue 08-Jul-08 18:53:41

desperate bump

Quattrocento Tue 08-Jul-08 18:54:47

Sorry you are feeling this way LEM

I think you need to get a job for yourself - stop you obsessing about your DP's job

butwhybutwhy Tue 08-Jul-08 18:55:03

I understand how you feel with the anxiety, it is truly awful but I cant understand why his stress makes you anxious.

He has gone back, said he wont be late and thats that.

Is it the thought that he might be late that makes you anxious?

copingvquietly Tue 08-Jul-08 18:58:51

LEM step outside and just breathe fresh air for 5 mins.i hope you are alright x

lucyellensmum Tue 08-Jul-08 19:04:15

quattro, i think you are right.

How are you today CVQ excuse me while i go check on the plants (taking your advice to get outside)

I really cannot understand why i feel like this, i just do.

pamelat Tue 08-Jul-08 19:04:44

Do you resent him bringing the problems home to you?

I can sort of imagine how you feel. I like things to be good at home and when they are not I am very unsettled, and kind of resent it.

Does that make sense?!

lucyellensmum Tue 08-Jul-08 19:06:11

Its raining shock

lucyellensmum Tue 08-Jul-08 19:07:09

pamelat, that is totally how i feel, it is like it bursts my little bubble that i create for myself that it will be OK. Thank god someone else understands.

lucyellensmum Tue 08-Jul-08 19:08:07

DD is running around screaming like a banshee, doing my head in - the dog is cowering because i look angry.

lucyellensmum Tue 08-Jul-08 19:51:12

hes home, hes brought me beer (bless him) but i still feel ill. He on the ohter hand is fine, having sorted his problem.

NotQuiteCockney Tue 08-Jul-08 19:55:09

Hmmm ... were you raised by people who were very shouty and unpleasant when stressed, so you expect your DP to be like that?

Alternatively (or as well) you may find this all very stressful because you have no control over it. His day at work will sometimes go badly, and there's nothing you (or he, often) can do to prevent that. Bad things do sometimes happen, we can't prevent that. But to accept that is to accept a lack of control, to accept powerlessness, which can be difficult.

lucyellensmum Tue 08-Jul-08 20:02:08

a resounding yes to both of those, there were always rows in my house and i even get stressed when people argue, even on the bloody telly. I get stressed when people hoover, because my mum would hoover when she was in a strop.

Oh and the control thing - absolbloodylutely - i just can't stand it, sometimes i want to shake DP, just because he cant magic away our problems and i can't do anything about it either. I dont have any control over my life just now actually.

lucyellensmum Tue 08-Jul-08 20:02:53

but i have been with DP for 16 years and we never argued before - i wonder if i was avoid confrontation at all costs type person, but now im not.

NotQuiteCockney Tue 08-Jul-08 20:16:46

Are you having any counselling? If not, is it an option?

lucyellensmum Tue 08-Jul-08 21:21:19

i had my six week entitlement on the NHS which finished just before xmas - we made NO progress whatsoever, as whenever we got to sticky issues (losing my dad) i would cry and she would say, well we don't have time in such a short amount of sessions to deal with really painful stuff hmm OH, i thought, shall i just continue to talk about the weather then?

I don't beliiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeve it though - the fucking gas boiler has finally turned up its toes, im surprisingly calm about this, even though it is proper dead and we seriously have NO money to pay for a new one, or for someone to come and try and mend this one.

youcannotbeserious Tue 08-Jul-08 21:26:01

LEM - I know how you feel - I used to feel like this when Dh had a fight with his ex.

Even though I knew it had nothing to do with me, I felt physically sick. All the same symptoms you describe.

Do you think, on some level, you feel he can't cope with things? Do you feel responsible for him? Do you feel sorry for him?

LEM, sorry you're having this hard time right now.

You said you had a six week cycle on the NHS which obviously couldn't deal with your issues. I mean, six weeks! How can that do any good?

Can you go to your GP and explain you need a referral to a clinical psychologist who can then refer you on if necessary?

It sounds like you have a lot to contend with right now and I wish all strength to you.

JRocks Tue 08-Jul-08 21:36:33

I can understand this a little bit. I tend to take on my DP's worries sometimes, and find myself fretting on his behalf - when he's usually forgotten about it already. Actually I find I tend to take on people's emotions quite frequently now I think about it. Sorry not much help, but you aren't alone

lucyellensmum Wed 09-Jul-08 16:00:20

This is getting ridiculous as i have just had massive row with DP because of all the built up stress from yesterday, he has suggested we split up. Just taken a new anti anxiety tablet on top of my citalopram and to say i feel weird is an understatement.

lulumama Wed 09-Jul-08 16:02:11

neither of you are happy, and you need to both find a way to make it work,but you cannot rely on another person to make you happy, you both have to be happy and settled within yourselves

hope yuo find a way through things, but ultimately, being together might be too destructive? maybe some breathing space would help you both rediscover what is important.

hope things get sorted

lucyellensmum Wed 09-Jul-08 16:10:41

the thing is lulu, things are tough, he can cope, i can't. My head is all over the place and i wake up scared every morning. If i don't get some help im going to lose my family. As DP said, he could never leave DD with me, and i don't blame him.

lulumama Wed 09-Jul-08 16:12:24

well, you say he copes, but his temper flares and you row..so he just copes in a differnt way. what do you think would help you? and how can you get the help you need`? can you get your names down for soem relationship counselling:?

lulumama Wed 09-Jul-08 16:12:51

do you think he is not scared? or fearful ? or angry? or sad? or a million other things too

you are in this together.

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