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Do I have post natal anxiety/depression/ gone crazy?!(30 Posts)
My marriage (of 14 months) is on the verge of breaking up and I wonder whether I have gone a bit mad or have post natal issues
I even know thsat I am being unreasonable
My little girl is 6 months old, its been a difficult time with various issues, mainly reflux and the fact that she is my first.
Never suffered from depression before but I am a fairly highly strung anxious person.
Just got back from 3 days away for a hen do, wasnt sure about leaving her but my husband is brilliant and thought it would do me "good". Just back last night, within 10 minutes of being home we had fallen out massively over our daughter and I was crying, I even told him that I think we should separate (his response is that if we did he would probably kill himself for letting his daughter down so much, and than he thinks I should do too - am sure he doesnt really mean that?)
Anyway it sounds stupid but its over a jar of chicken puree. I can even see how ridiculous that is but the story goes ...
For weeks I have been looking forward to introducing meat to her diet, bought the books etc etc and even spoken to my husband about how excited i am, was planning on making chicken stock etc. Anyway apparently he forgot this and gave her chicken in a jar - I realise it isnt the crime of the century (maybe just a bit thoughtless) Am finding that being on maternity leave, she is my entire life and am very baby baby baby.
I just feel that I have missed out on one of her "firsts", got upset, cried.
The reason I am worried is that this has ended in a big row where we have talked about separation (been together 8 years despite short marriage). I do love him but I feel incapable of 'sharing' her, or at least sharing the control of what she is fed, when, how things should be.
I genuinely think I might have lost it. He has said that I have to spend today considering my mental health and we have to decide what to do.
Normally I would be devasted (and dont get me wrong, I am upset) but part of me wants to just disappear away with mu daughter for a bit, away from family, him and everyone really. Selfishly I want her to myself
Is this because of 3 days apart, because of hormones (period has re started and is currently every 2 weeks) or because I have gone mad. I do wonder whether I have anxiety over missing out, and whether she will love me now that I left her?
I dont want to lose my marriage and I dont really want her to be without her dad. Irrationally I just feel very very hurt that he gave her something that he should have known would upset me? I know I over reacted
First of all, I want to give you a massive hug........................((((((((squeeeze))))))
Right, next thing is I would like to empathise with you about being totally highly-strung and over the top with regards to the love and anxiety you are experiencing over your darling little girl. Mine is 18 months and am just beginning to relax after swaddling her in cotton wool and blowing up over any little things with regards to her care. I still can have my moments. Being a mother is an enormous responsibility, pressure and change in your lives and relationship with your husband. I am very impressed, by the way, that your husband has looked after her so well allowing you some really important personal time. I think my DD was a year or more before I would leave her for any time at all, and I still fret that something awful is going to happen to her when I'm not there, but I rationalise what I'm feeling and deal with it and it gradually gets easier.
Next thing is, I should go to your GP - do you have a good relationship? - explain all and see what support might be available. You need support. Please ask for it - from GP, family & friends. This does not need to be the end of the world. You must think of your future and that of your beautiful family. All will be well, but please ask for help. If you're anywhere near North Herts/South Beds I can visit xxxx
I can understand how important what your baby is fed is to you. When my dd was six months old I put a chart on the fridge detailing everything she ate daily over the week. Hell mend anyone who swayed from the chart.
Sorry, I don't have any advice but wanted to share that when my dd was a baby I controlled everything about her life. Gradually I have eased up but not totally.
Please, please do not think you are going mad. It does sound like you may have PND - this affects a lot of women, so please do not be hard on yourself. You are obviously a good and caring mum, but you do need to ask for help, especially if you feel your marriage is at risk.
I agree with mylovelymonster, speak to your GP or health visitor. I was too scared to do this for ages, as I was worried they would think badly of me or even take my dd away. But it's not like that at all - PND is quite well understood now and there is alot of help out there.
I found this website really useful too
pni.org. It made me realise I wasn't alone.
Good luck to you. You've taken the first step by asking for help on here. Well done to you.
Thank you, will buck up courage to call docs, cant do it today (brave face on as my mum is coming round).
Every time I want to apologise to husband (who is upset) I cant as I keep thinking that he has taken away a first between me and my daughter.
Its like I cant get my head around the fact that she is also HIS, and that I cant forgive it. He did a great job (with lots of family support) this weekend, but I am almost jealous of the time he had with her. I really really missed her.
I think I was looking for something that he did "wrong" which isnt nice, but I am genuinely really really upset that she has had meat, especially in a jar when I had bought the book and planned it so carefully. I think that I am right to be upset but not to this extent
Thank you, live in East Mids.
oh, poor guy, i bet he was so proud of himself for looking after DD all weekend and then you come home and throw a strop over him giving her some chicken from a jar!! Don't take this the wrong way, but that is why he reacted so badly, it was probably a huge deal to him. That sounds really mean of me to say that, but i totally would have done the same thing if i were you - actually i would have been worse. So i do totally appreciate where you are coming from and don't think you behaved badly.
Taken as an incident on its own i don't think that this means you have gone crazy, that you have depression. It probably means that DH has seriously trodden on your toes over something that meant alot to you and that you might have felt guilty (you shouldnt) for leaving her. That being the case, it would just be a case of apologising and trying to make it up to DH.
But if you generally feel like an overly clingy mummy and anxious then yes, based on how i was, you could well be suffering from PND. If i were you i would go along to your doctor and have a chat. He/she will probably do a test that i think is called the Edingburgh test to establish if he feels there is a PND problem. And if there is, you can decide how best to sort it, for me it was medication, for others it is just a case of self help. I have just thought too, moodgym.com (linked on the mental health links on this page above) has a similar questionaire for general anxiety and depression, might be worth taking a look.
Please don't beat yourself up over this, it could well be that this incident has brought things to a head and will instigate some actions to make you feel better. Its very hard for our partners when we have PND and DP and i have had some terrible rows, mostly because he just cannot understand what is going on, sometimes he would be like, wwwwoooaaa girl, where did this come from when i would start screaming at him and lashing out at him for no reason.
Sounds like your little girl is very lucky and clearly have a mummy and daddy that adore her.
booked docs for Friday.
Asked for a female doctor, think that I will feel better about that.
Unfortunately my female doctor knows my mother in law, but would hope that she would keep it confidential
Damn straight she should keep it to herself!! patient confidentiality, even if you go witha cold!
Do take a look at the website if you get time and i wish you all the best. Its a difficult time being a new mummy. For mum and dad FWIW, if there is a problem you have caught it early which makes it easier to deal with. Mine wasnt picked up on until DD was 2 and i was almost a basket case by that time. It makes recovery slower, but im getting there with the support of my lovely DP.
Good for you - it's a brave thing to ask for help. And it may turn out that you do not have PND at all, but just the normal anxieties of a new mum. Like lucyellensmum said, it is a difficult time for both of you, even though it is wonderful at times. At least by speaking to the GP, you'll know and can get help if you need it. Good luck again and try not to be too hard on yourself. Easier said than done, I know!
Hi Pamelat. Just saw your posts and wanted to say I know how you feel - am also first time mummy to 5.5 mo dd and sometimes struggle to let others have an input into her care. Was diagnosed with PND about a month ago. She's off to nursery in a month and I'm dreading it altho I know in the long-run it'll be great for her and me. Anyway, am also in Nottingham and if you want to chat/meet up, would def. be up for it.
Dear pamelat - the fact that you've recognised there nay be a problem is really positive and proof you are not losing your marbles. It is such a difficult time in anyone's life, becoming a parent, and everyone has really difficult times. I wish you all happiness in the future and keep talking here as you'll realise there are so many who share you anxieties/frustrations/anger/hopelessness/joy.
Don't stop talking to your husband - involve him as much as you can and show him how to do things - from my experience, my husband was a bit hopeless at first but he is now fabulous and I can really rely on him now and am 100% secure when I leave DD with him that she is in the best care possible, and that is essential. I couldn't do it on my own. Was a long and stressful journey though, but worth every moment xx
...oh yes, thought our marriage wouldn't survive the strain but it has, and when you start to talk to people, you realise that lots of other people's relationships go through the same thing. You are not on your own by a very long stretch.
Big hugs to you! You poor thing you sound like you are stressed out.
I think you have anxiety, and one of the classic signs of PND is wanting to be with the baby all the time and be in control.
She's your only 'pride and joy' eh? No-one else can 'do it right'? Humm...
Yes, it's a sure sign and I'm speaking from experience - I had a horrific birth and had Post natal depression mixed in with a lot I mean a lot of anxiety (Post traumatic stress disorder) was added into the mix.
I would deffo go and see your GP and say to her that she's not to tell your MIL - if that makes you feel more confident about using her service.
You sound like you need more breaks AWAY from your baby! and I do hope you and your Dh can put the separating and divorce talks on hold until you both are in a better place mentally. at least you are aware of your self from the outside and are objective - that means you've not lost the plot completely
Good luck with it all - there is light at the end of the tunnel. I know there is. It might be a short dose of ADs and some counseling that is required, but you'll be able to relax soon, and start to ENJOY yourself as a mum!
Midge 25, I also live in West Bridgford (saw another post from your profile)
Might be nice to meet up? Not sure whether i have PND or whether I am just stressed out.
Just wondering do you have an antenatal group, wouldnt it be odd if we were from the same group but hadnt realised ?
Husband has come home from work to work from home, was hoping it would mean we can clear the air but we arent really speaking. Will see what happens.
Hi again - sorry for delay in replying. Have had visitors for last couple of days. No, recently moved to area so don't know anyone!! But might have seen you at baby clinic? Definitely up for meeting if you fancy it? Not sure of best way to contact you...? Hope things with your husband have improved over last couple of days and that you are feeling okay.
Hi Midge, I dont really want to post my phone number or even email on here
Happy to meet up
Things are a lot better at home, in fact I almost feel silly going to the docs tomorrow but I am going to go.
My sister in law come over for an hour this afternoon and once again I found it hard to relinquish control. She wanted to feed and put my little girl to bed, which I let her, but part of me wanted to scream "no shes mine".
I think that I do need to calm down about it all, for mine and her (daughters) sake. She is picking up on it and now seems to get upset when someone else picks her up.
Be nice to meet up anyway, regardless of whatever doc may say tomorrow!
Hi again. Hope doctor's appt went okay. Read your post and reminds me of me on some days - my daughter had an introductory session at nursery today and found that really hard. For what it's worth, I'm told all babies have periods of separation anxiety, so it may be your dd is just going through that rather than picking up on anything you're thinking or feeling. Know what you mean about not wanting to put your email/tel no on here - should we just arrange a venue/date/time?
Yep happy to do that, the week after next is perhaps better for me. What about a Tues afternoon?
I saw the doctor and told her everything about the chicken example but she said that whilst I perhaps do need to "just try and relax a little and no one is trying to harm your daughter", she said that I have all the 'usual' first time mum anxieties.
She also said that maybe I am just struggling to not have complete control over something, because at work and in anything non baby orientated I do?!
I must say that I feel a lot better. I just dont want to leave her again, in a month I have to for 2 nights, will see how that goes.
Any location is ok with me, blades? Fire and Ice?
Hope you are ok, i think i will really really struggle with nursery.
New to the area so anywhere you think - know where Fire and Ice is though, which is a start! w/c 21st July is okay for me but can only manage Mon, Fri or Sun (27th) that week ... ? Glad things are improving
What about Monday 21st, in the morning at Fire and Ice?
10am ish? Is that too early for you?
That sounds fine! Looking forward to it - how shall we recognise each other?!
this reminds me of a friend of mine who left her dd with her ex partner for the day and he gave her some raisins. my friend phoned me up and a crazed state, beside herself with rage and fury at how he could dare to do such a thing without consulting her first , "was he completely mad/deranged/incapable of looking after her" etc etc etc. She was totally beyond reasoning with so I let her rant as it was obviously really important to her. With hindsight (she hs since had another child) she laughs at how ridiculous and ott she was. But........... at the time she was in teh moment and could not see that in teh grand scheme of things, it was not as bad as all that. I hope you get there too....
Glad you're feeling better and are hooking up with midge25 - isn't MN great!
Like the others said, it can be SOooo difficult and life-changing having your first baby, you are def not alone but have been really sensible in seeking help. Well done, no mean feat! It's still really early days for your new family. I hope you find a way to accommodate all the changes and things settle down soon. I remember after about 9 months I had a distinct feeling that I'd come through the other side of all sorts of craziness. Good luck! x
It's great you are aware that you need some support; I wish you luck.
I would say though, that it sounds like your DH was very brave to take on caring for your DD at such a young age, probably felt he'd accomplished something fairly major to take care of her while you were away, and it sounds like he was doing it for you with the best of intentions. It's a pretty generous thing to do. I don't know many guys who have done/would do that - 3 days' sole care of your first DC can seem very daunting if you aren't used to it.
What I'm getting at is, I guess, that maybe your DH needs some support too. It sounds like he's trying so hard and tbh, although I can see why you reacted the way you did, it was really pretty unfair to him. If I were him, I would have been devastated by your response and would struggle to see why you could not apologise. Not that I think you are to be criticised for responding that way; I have been there too. I just think that you need to remember that you are not the only one having a hard time here.
Maybe you and he need to have some counselling together, as well as you getting support and help of your own.
Hope you can see what I'm saying and that you don't feel attacked by this because it's not meant that way.
Just wanted to say that you're not alone - my DS is 6 months, and me and my DH are having similar issues.
Two things we've both realised:
1) We both need free time away from DS, both alone and together. I know babysitters are hard to find (and a very scary prospect when your PFB is only 6 months) but I think it will do wonders for your relationship.
2) Sometimes both of us need to take a backwards step and have a look at the situation through the eyes of someone who isn't with their baby 24/7. I know (from experience!) that this is very hard, but it's necessary if you're going to try and be a bit more laid back.
I would suggest that before you go to the doctor or marriage counselling, you have a look on this website www.babyproofingyourmarriage.com/ and if possible, buy the book. www.waterstones.com/waterstonesweb/displayProductDetails.do?sku=5528963. I cannot stress how good this book is. I was in exactly the same situation as you - 6 months in, felt like a) my marriage was on the rocks and b) that I was actually going mad. I can't say that everything's perfect now, but DH and I have had some very frank talks and got things out in the open, and at least it feels like we're working together than constantly pulling apart.
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