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Gotta get this off my chest

(22 Posts)
tammybear Tue 01-Feb-05 20:45:45

Not looking for advice or sympathy or anything, just need to get this off my chest as I have noone else to talk to!

Im annoyed with my mum. She still treats me like a kid. She admits herself as she says I havent changed much apperance wise and still look how I did when I was about 12! I have to ask her permission to go out as she has to babysit. I dont want to use babysitters as I dont like the idea of strangers in my house, wont ask my sister as I dont trust her and I hate her too much to allow her to look after my dd, and I have no friends to ask.

Mum picks dd up from nursery Mon-Thurs as she finishes at 3, where I dont finish til 5:30, and so by the time Ive got to nursery to pick dd up it'll be 6, and thats when they shut. I just hate having to come home and listen to my mum tell me all about dd's day, when it should be me that goes and be told by the staff. Plus dd has got so clingy to her now, that it is driving me crazy!

Today for instance, mum was bout to leave the time she usually does, bout 6:30. dd got upset so my mum being the big softie that she is said she'd not go. I wanted her to leave as I only had half an hour to spend with dd before she went to bed! Of course Im too bloody nice to say anything so didnt ask mum to leave. I was now getting annoyed at 7 when she was showing no signs of leaving, so I went to wash up. She then got comfortable for the soaps, so I went upstairs as I couldnt bare to be downstairs any longer as I was getting too angry.

Mum then came up and said I didnt have to make it obvious that I didnt want her there, and soon left in a huff. Sure, I should have been honest and asked her to leave, but if I had done that, she would have still got in a huff so I cant f*ing win! This is my f*ing life, and Im sick of still being treated like a kid! I dont even feel like dd's mum anymore, I just feel like Im her nanny who looks after her cos my mum aint round!

Im actually thinking of looking for a new job so I can work in mornings so I dont have to rely on my mum to pick dd up although i know she'll know i only did it because of that and will get in a huff with me for it! But Im sick of it. When I was a SAHM she was always round, so I started making excuses saying I was busy so I didnt see her so much. Im glad shes helping etc but she doesnt have anything else to do. I know it sounds mean, but she doesnt. She doesnt have friends, shes been on her own for 12 years now, my sis and bros dont bother so its all down to me, so then i start feeling guilty if i tell her no i dont want you round.

But I dont want to have to keep putting her feelings before mine! I hate spending less time with dd at the moment, and her getting clingy to mum now makes it even worse! I mean you must understand what its like to see your child want to have more attention off someone else that their own parent!

Plus people at work really piss me off. I didnt go bowling last week for a work's do, as I didnt feel like it, was too tired, and just wanted to spend time with dd as she was upset that I was going to leave as it was! Now the people who organised it arent talking to me! It's like for christ sake! They know I am a mum! It's not always easy to go out is it? And I was looking forward to it, as I wanted to get to know people better, and I havent been out in a while, but Ive got other priorites, plus it's hard enough being tired just being a mum, let alone having a job too! I dont know how full time working mums do it!

Plus there's all these problems with my bloody benefits. DWP saying I owe them a grand, which I dont think I do, but maybe I do, I dont know, they should work out what people are correctly entitled to before dishing out the cash the bloody idiots! Im so bloody worried about money as well as Im really hoping I will be better off working now, but Im not so sure! Plus speaking of money, my mum had been going through my bloody bank statements! And keeps asking if Im ok for money, as Im usually in my overdraft which would come up on my bank statements, but I dont tell her because Im not gonna ask her for money as shes too busy paying off my sisters debts, car insurance, car payments, catalogue payments, as shes too much of a softie to say no, im not pay everything for you cos you got yourself into your own mess!! Maybe that sounds really selfish of me but my sister works full time, spends her money on going out, clothes, drink, cigarettes, her boyfriend, and I dont think thats bloody fair!!

Rant over... for now.

Thanks if you did read, but I just want to get it off my chest to feel bit better

open Tue 01-Feb-05 20:50:32

Wow tammybear.
Just a thought, can you negotiate with work to finish half an hour earlier so you can pick up dd? Maybe work half your lunch hour? Maybe only a couple of times a week? - just to give you that afternoon and evening time with dd.

pixiefish Tue 01-Feb-05 20:53:37



can't help with benefits or work issue tammybear BUT can I say one thing in your mum's defence- you're her dd and will always be her baby.

My mum gets on my nerves sometimes, still treats me like a kid on a lot of issues, still worries about me. I just bite my tongue adn remember thqt it's because she loves me as much as I love my dd and I try to tell myself that i am not going to be so controlling with dd as she is with me- but who knows eh.

HTH

pixiefish Tue 01-Feb-05 20:53:41



can't help with benefits or work issue tammybear BUT can I say one thing in your mum's defence- you're her dd and will always be her baby.

My mum gets on my nerves sometimes, still treats me like a kid on a lot of issues, still worries about me. I just bite my tongue adn remember thqt it's because she loves me as much as I love my dd and I try to tell myself that i am not going to be so controlling with dd as she is with me- but who knows eh.

HTH

northstar Tue 01-Feb-05 20:54:26

Hi tb, sounds like you have had a bad day Maybe, just maybe, you should think about finding a nice, totally trustable baby sitter through the nursery group or someone who has a relative or v good friend to recommend? No, I know it isn't easy but my baby sitter came though a workmate, (his younger sister) and ds and i love her to bits. I couldnt do without her.
And im just wondering, is there a mum at the nursery who would consider taking your dd to theirs for an hour or two in return for you babysitting for her another time?
{{{{{{{{{hugs anyway}}}}}}}}}

munnzieb Tue 01-Feb-05 20:54:48

oh honey, (how about a change of hours perhaps? (I think employes have to be nicer as it were to workin parents now and offer flexi time, althou I'm not 100% on that so don't quote me on it.) hope fully the job tomorrow will give you better hours.

As for your work mates, I know u have to work with them and all, but at teh end of the day hon u have a LO at home, they have to understand that, it's a bit unfair theat they expect you to go to work then out with them as well, (It would be diff I suppose if it was a friday night or something as then you coul dhave the whole w/e with DD)

Er, and ur mum, not sure twhat to say there, only dont' feel pushed out hon, it's your LO, and ur her mum, she'll always need her mum with her, perhaps you could have a word with your mum?

And your sister - er, tell ehr to grow up! and take responsibility for her actions! (only kidding perhaps you could have a word with your siblings to take the burden off of u and let you have quaity time with DD)

tammybear Tue 01-Feb-05 21:00:51

thanks guys.

have only been in my job for a month now, and its only afternoons i do. have to do it as there is a receptionist in the mornings.

i know my mums just doing what she thinks is best for me, which is the main reason why i keep my mouth shut. but considering the last time i had a proper go at her was back in july.

dont know any mums at the nursery as dd has only been there 3 weeks and as i only drop dd off i dont see any of the other mums

oh and there are some nice people at work, just all happen to be upstairs where i never see them lol

munnzieb Tue 01-Feb-05 21:02:20

then get ur slef on the email hon, and start sending some funny ones around the office to break the ice! (followed by the usual chat's which we all do on here! often helps!) want a cream cake to help cheer u up?

northstar Tue 01-Feb-05 21:05:41

Is there a notice board at the nursery? You could make discreet enquiries via the workers there? And start putting out feelers for a baby sitter they can be a lifesaver i know

tammybear Tue 01-Feb-05 21:11:38

not too sure, havent really looked, will have to nose when i drop dd off tomorrow

i speak to some of the workers through emails, and i do have some come talk to me when im there. im not too bothered that theyre not talking to me, just find it annoying at their behaviour

tammybear Wed 02-Feb-05 09:53:07

And just another quick moan! Someones stolen £20 of dd's nursery fees off me!! I got sent those voucher thingys from Job Centre to help cover 2 weeks of dd's nursery fees in January, went to cash it this morning, guy at post office gave me correct amount as I watched him put count it, as well as two other people watching too. Plus it was the guy I usually see when Im at post office, so I trust him not to mess me about. Went to Sainsburys, I spent £20 in there, but that was from my purse, it was actually a £20 for dd's new shoes but when I went they said she doesnt need a pair for a few weeks. So this morning, thought oh I can take the money in today when I drop dd off, thought Id recount it just in case, and instead of £300 theres only £280! I have searched through my bag, counted it over and over, and theres only £280. I cant think why that would be. Ive been to work but I have my bags with me all the time, and then I went home. dd took a packet of crisps out of my bag but thats it. And my mums only been round, and I very much doubt shed steal money off me. She takes everything else that belongs to me like my kitchen utensils, but I know she wouldnt steal money off me. So now Im gonna have to go and get £20 of my own money to add to it, and I know £20 doesnt sound a lot, but makes a heck of a difference to me. Thats like half a shopping bill or towards dd's new shoes when she needs them.

Sorry just had to have another moan. always seems to be one thing after another here!

pixiefish Wed 02-Feb-05 20:19:16

for you tammybear

tammybear Thu 03-Feb-05 19:36:20

Thanks guys. Like I said on my other thread, went to CAB and wrote a letter to appeal. Hopefully wont have to pay nothing back. Things are a bit better now. Saw my mum today, she didnt say anything about the other night and was fine with me, so didnt want to bring it up to start arguements. Feeling quite run down at the moment. Bout to have a soak in the bath although Ill miss my programmes lol. Some things are more important though hey?

Was up til 3am last night, and 1 am the night before, and 2am the two nights before that. I have to get up at 7:30 so pretty tired. dd's cough is keeping her up, well the past two nights. sunday i was up watching green mile, and monday was up talking to someone til 1:30. should be more sensible shouldnt i? got doctors tomorrow, as my ecsmar (sp?) is playing up, plus an infection I had years ago has flared up. It's in my lips and I had it back in 2002 when I was really stressed. Had to be on antibiotics and take days off work cos my lips had swollen up and I couldnt eat anything. Terrible it was. And I think its happening again

Knocked my side mirror of my car off today. Luckily managed to snap it back in! Hit another cars side mirror when I was reversing out of a parking space when I was trying to straighten up. Didnt do any damage to the other car luckily.

It was nice to speak to the deputy manager at dd's nursery yesterday. She was saying how smart and bright dd is, as she's taking everything in. And although she doesnt sit with the other children, she's creeping up to them, and sits behind them during story time. shes only been 4 weeks and isnt use to other children so theyre really impressed. But she has been banging her head, and has bruises which she has been doing, but they worked out why she does it. It's cos the two key carers that dd gets on really well with, when they leave the room, she does it then, like she does if me or my mum leave.

Ok, going to go relax now in a nice hot bubble bath

Yurtgirl Thu 03-Feb-05 19:44:12

Message withdrawn

tammybear Thu 03-Feb-05 20:38:06

I know I should, just both of us are under the weather at the moment so probably best to do it when we're not so crabby! Probably part of the reason why I got annoyed with her.

Ive been wanting to cheer myself up by giving myself a bit of a make over. Want to get my hair done, but dont really wanna splash out the cash! My sister used to be a hairdresser but tbh I wouldnt trust her with my hair! I want to get my eye brows waxed but its getting time to do it. I dont wanna do it before work and then go with bright red eyes! Wanna buy some new shoes, me and dp saw a pair of trainers I really liked as one of my favourite skechers disappeared but these trainers were £109 in shops! I then found them on ebay for £39.99 so thought ooo wow! But then P&P is £8.50 and then I have to have postal insurance which is £4.50!! It's then £50 altogether! Sure its half the amount they are in the shops but still, £50! Will have to twist dp's arm!

Feeling bit better with other things in my life like dp and dd. dp's doing his hosting for their mayors charity ball at the moment. Very proud of him. Bit envious tbh as his life seems so exciting at the moment, and he's doing what he wants. I know Im lucky with dd, and work is going okay. But I dunno, still would like to work mornings so I have time with dd. I miss her alot, although I see her at weekends and in the mornings for just under 2 hours, and then about an hour from when I get home then she goes bed.

And I miss dp a lot too. Will be seeing him next Thursday Will be with him this time next week which I cant wait for. And now we're in February so it's getting closer to September when he'll be semi living with me. But then Ive gotta worry about what will happen with work, but I try not to think too much about it now. Ive got enough worries as it is

northstar Thu 03-Feb-05 20:44:51

tb, it will get easier i promise, and I don't mean to sound superficial, i just KNOW. My ds is nearly 3 and it is getting easier every day. The stress of xp is a bummer alright, but when the time is right sort out some kind of schedule for some "YOU" time, we all need it so please dont feel guilty, you are doing a great job and this make-over and your lovely dd are the reward -
relax, have an early night, and I hope your dd is feeling better and not coughing so much.

hatsoff Thu 03-Feb-05 21:00:49

Hi TB, glad you're feeling a bit better. Maybe you can talk this through with your mum? Not when you're actually pissed off, but when you feel calm enough. I'm sure she'd understand if you said that it's great to have her around, lay on the thanks really thick, say how lucky dd is to have a close involved granny, but then be completely honest and just say that it's difficult for you sometimes coz you wish you had more time with her. Make it clear it's not her you're pissed off, it's the situation. Maybe something concrete could come out of it - like her agreeing to make herself scarce more often, but even if not it might clear the air and help both of you see where you're coming from. It is tough when they get clingy to another person (my two have had real phases of being daddy's girls, not quite the same I know, but a bit upsetting at first), but first of all - it is a phase, secondly you are her mum, she knows that, and nothing can ever change that, you are the number one person who will always be there for her. You've only just started the new job - it'll be difficult at first, but it will get better all round.

tammybear Thu 03-Feb-05 22:11:37

Thanks you two. Hatsoff, yeah you're right that its best if I talk to her when we're both okay. My mum is quite a tough cookie at times, I was talking to dp about it last night, and said about my mum the other night and even he said theres no way I could have asked my mum to leave cos she would totally get the wrong end of the stick. She's like that, and take things to heart too much, which is why I guess I dont be as honest as I want to be with her, as I hate hurting people's feelings and would rather bite my lip and keep my mouth shut.

Ok going to bed now, very tired, and best get some sleep. xxx

tammybear Sat 05-Feb-05 17:00:47

ok gotta have another moan! IR sent me a letter saying that in 2003-2004 I just gave them estimates of income when I was with and just after I split up with exp. I rang up and they said to just ignore it as I wasnt suppose to get that, and plus I had rang up on 26th concerning that claim so I shouldnt have anything to worry about as it closed back in 2003. Honestly, they shouldnt give people money until theyre 100% sure that its correct. Wouldnt it better to be sure and then pay back the weeks that theyve missed rather than giving out estimates and then asking for money back later on?

Also for some reason, homecall have taken a first payment off me although Im with BT and theyve taken payment off me this month too. So trying to get a hold of homecall but noones answering.

Dd is really ill Shes gotten a temperature over the past few hours. In bed at the moment. Feel so sorry for her. Im feeling terrible. Bloody postman woke me up at 8 and I couldnt get back to sleep! Weekends are my only chance to have a lie in, so only tomorrow is my chance. Im so tired!

Im worried that the reason dd is so ill is because of the stress of me leaving her and all this change. I get ill when Im stressed and Im worried its the same for her Hope she gets better soon, otherwise I might have to take days off work which I cant afford to! Plus I just thought that as I have just informed the council that Ive gone back to work and my HB needs to change, so Im worried how long this is all going to take, and whether Im gonna have enough money for everything at the end o the month!

I wish dp was here to take care of me, I just wanna go to bed! Do nothing. Although dp isnt very sympathetic when Im ill. Dont think he knows how to handle/comfort me. Was gonna get a takeaway for dinner, but I cant really afford it! Id have to pay at least £10 for them to deliver, and that £10 could go to something useful like food shopping.

jac34 Sat 05-Feb-05 17:38:53

Hi Tammybear,
At least you've got us lot on MN to have a moan to when you feel like.
I think you are doing realy well, working and being a Mum isn't easy, and especially as you're doing it alone, that makes it even harder.
Perhaps you should have a quiet word with your Mum and explain how much you miss DD during the day, and look forward to having some time with her in the evening.Try to be as tactful as possible as she is doing you a big favour, picking DD up from nursery.(I'd give my right arm for such a keen Granny).

I doubt whether DD is ill from stress of you leaving her. It's proberbly because she's picking up more bugs now she's in contact with more kids at nursery. My DS's went through a phase of catching everything going when they first started, but don't worry it just builds up their immune system more.
I know in my experience you worry yourself sick about leaving them at nursery, but they are usually having a great time.It's also good for them as they get used to a more structured routine and tend to settle better when they eventually go to school.
As I said I think your doing realy well, but it's still all quite new to you so give yourself time.
One tip on the takeaway,DH and I usually pick up a supermarket takeaway on a Saturday, as it's cheaper, no expensive delivery, and you can wait until your ready before warming it up in the microwave.

Kibby Sat 05-Feb-05 18:34:16

It sounds to me like you need to work in the same kind of job except mornings, as you've only been there for a month or so why not start looking for something else that is a morning only job I don't think it's worth making yourself and your dd sick. Look on it positivekly it is completely within your power to chnage things to the way you want them to be. As for your Mum, look at it from her point of view she's just trying her best for you and you are lucky to have her.

tammybear Sun 06-Feb-05 10:47:31

I am very grateful for my mum's help, don't get me wrong. But sometimes it can be too much, and I'm finding it hard enough to adjust to working and seeing dd less, as well as to see dd rather be with my mum than be with me. Ive been looking for morning jobs now, and applied for one yesterday. I think that dd is enjoying nursery once she's calmed down from being upset after being left, and the deputy manager said she has seen such a difference in dd even though she has only been back to work since 18th, so thats good. dd's feeling a bit better as well, not got a temperature, and so Im finding it a bit easier. I was worried that Id have to take time off work, which I really cant afford to do. But I like your takeaway idea jac34

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