scared that depression will ruin my wedding day - any advice?

[Rones]

Hello all - I've never posted on this site but have read lots of the threads and thought I should give it a go. My daughter is 9 weeks old and I found the first 4 weeks incredibly difficult - a real shock to the system. I had horrible irrational thoughts that scared the hell out me (ie. throwing her out of the window) and the responsiblity of it all overwhelmed me. I was OK for a good few weeks after that but now I'm getting massively anxious again and can't stop thinking about death and there being no point to anything as we all die. I have a wonderful fiance and daughter who I love more than anything but I'm terrified of losing somehow. and I need to shake this before my wedding next Sat. I have a history of depression. Anyone ever felt similar?

[Rones]

Hello all - I've never posted on this site but have read lots of the threads and thought I should give it a go. My daughter is 9 weeks old and I found the first 4 weeks incredibly difficult - a real shock to the system. I had horrible irrational thoughts that scared the hell out me (ie. throwing her out of the window) and the responsiblity of it all overwhelmed me. I was OK for a good few weeks after that but now I'm getting massively anxious again and can't stop thinking about death and there being no point to anything as we all die. I have a wonderful fiance and daughter who I love more than anything but I'm terrified of losing somehow. and I need to shake this before my wedding next Sat. I have a history of depression. Anyone ever felt similar?

[Rones]

sorry I posted it twice by mistake!

[Rones]

anyone there?

[differentID]

hello there. You sound like you're panicking a bit at the moment.

[differentID]

Have you spoken to your GP yet?

[Rones]

feeling better for now, spoke to my mum earlier who generally sorts me out! it's very tiring when I get anxious and worked up....I'm wondering whether this is normal depression, PND or just general anxiety. All feels a bit surreal

[Rones]

It's difficult because when I feel fine I think it's gone away but then I feel awful again. I do need to see the GP again...

[differentID]

The last two weeks before weddings are very stressful as well- mine was last saturday. Just do as much as you can and don't try to overstretch yourself. If it feels overwhelming sit down with your beautiful baby and take a few minutes/ hours to yourselves.
Mums' are great aren't they?

[Rones]

everything is pretty much sorted for the wedding but the bad feelings have been weighing me down. It's an old depression rearing its ugle head again. Such a shame as everyone in my life is so lovely! I think that's most of the problem, I love them so much that I'm scared of losing them. I suppose that having a baby and then getting married is a double whammy for my emotions!! Intense to say the least. Congratulations on getting married by the way!

[differentID]

Life can be terrifying sometimes can't it. I used to go through these thoughts a few years ago. I felt as though it was my responsibility to look after everyone and couldn't deal with the fact that I couldn't.

[Rones]

Yes you're right. I know logically that I can't control much in the world but it's so hard to deal with. I just can't seem to accept that we all die!

[differentID]

Can I ask a really personal question? Do you believe in an afterlife/ heaven/ God?
It took me years of wrestling with my conscience- most of my teen years- and my religion to get to the point I am at now. Which is that death will happen and we can't control it, but it's what we do with the rest of our lives that will determine our self worth. It's not easy, but it will get better.
Since reaching that conclusion, I find it easier to deal with. Have you lost anyone close to you at all that would make you feel this way?

[Rones]

Sorry for delay, been out getting my hair done...Funnily enough I seem to get very badly depressed when everything is going well for me. As if I'm preparing for the worst to happen and actually grieving in my head. It's very difficult to explain. I haven't lost anyone close recently, apart from my grandpa when I was 16. I'm now 29. How old are you if you don't mind me asking and how many children?

[babyinacorner]

Hi Rones - Just wanted to say you are not alone in irrational thoughts - i too had them when i first brought my ds home from hospital - kept having a mad urge to throw him down the stairs! He is now nearly a year old and those feelings have mostly passed. I get those thoughts about myself too though -for example if I am on an escalator I want to jump off it! Weird.. I just try to not pay attemntion to those thoughts - accept them,recognise them but let yourself move on from the thought - try not to slip into thinking 'what's wrong with me,why did i think that,what does it mean etc'. Also, my best friend who suffers from OCD says that her therapist tells her that most people have these thoughts.

also - congrats on your upcoming wedding. I'm getting married next friday!

Also -can totally relate to the concept of getting depressed when everything is going well.

[Rones]

hello babyinacorner (like the name by the way!). Your comment is very reassuring - that I'm not alone in having irratinonal thoughts. The strange thing is that I now have nothing but overwhelming love for dd and my thoughts have turned more sinister - to death. It's a form of self punishment I think. My friend suggested that I maybe try to take a pragmatic approach and look at philosophy and religion and see what I find there. I'm just worried that I will get overwhelmed when I get married next week and in hindsight I think that having a baby and getting married so close together has been too much for me. I also keep getting very overwhelmed by all the bad stuff in the news lately. The original bad thoughts about my dd and myself (like you I have the urge to jump from a balcony when I'm up high!) have now been replaced but it's totally a depression/anxiety thing. My head hurts!!

[Rones]

congrats on getting married by the way!

[babyinacorner]

getting married and having a baby so close together is stressful and hopefully the feelings you are having will fade after the added stress of the big day! Try taking the pressure off yourself about next saturday - do you feel like it has to be this perfect,magical day and this is adding to your worries?

what do you mean by your thoughts have turned to death? are you worried something is going to happen to your dd? If you are feeling overwhelmed by bad stuff in the news I think it's a good idea to completely avoid reading and watching it especially this next week.

I think your friend has a good point about taking a pragmatic approach. I have recently completed Reiki 1 and practice on myself every night and it is very good for de-stressing. x

[differentID]

at the moment I'm 28 and trying for my first. I'm often filled with terror that something will happen to certain members of my family, especially when I hear certain things on the news, especially when it's from an area i know them to be in iykwim. I think that taking a positive look at certain things- even the most depressing- has helped me feel more accepting of my thoughts and I can move on quicker.

[Rones]

babyinacorner - I don't feel that my wedding has to be this perfect magical day but I don't want to be feeling any too overwhelming emotions as today I really felt I couldn't cope. I do feel a bit better now. You are right about avoiding the news etc. and I know a lot of people do this but I then worry this is just avoiding reality! I have a feeling that there is a lot of fear in our society in general at the moment and it is sad.

I've never been sure about reiki to be honest but I am a massage practitioner so I am definitely for complimentary therapies. I'm going for a massage tomorrow and can't wait. I think it will help.

differentID - good luck with getting pregnant! I hope you take a easy approach to it and don't worry if it doesn't happen immediately because sometimes it just takes a while. Thanks for your advice - I really want to stay positive

[differentID]

I know that it will take a while- I have PCOS so i'm in the middle of adjusting my eating habits.
Enjoy your massage, and take a step back once in a while.

[Rones]

I've had a difficult few days but there are moments of light so I'm clinging to that! Good luck with your nutritional changes and I hope it works for you. Although it's been very tough for me emotionally having a baby, she's the most precious gift and worth it all. I'm sure you'll get there. My friend's sister also has PCOS and trying for a baby but stays very positive about it. We're off to Lincoln tomorrow for a few relaxing days before our wedding on Sat. I'm hoping I'll calm down a bit and I'm going to speak to the dr tomorrow. x

[LuLuMacGloo]

Rones - have to go off in a minute so apologies if this is rushed.

1. I know you'll be busy getting ready for wedding but take the time to go and see your doctor/health vistor and get checked for PND.
   
   
2. I had loads of the thoughts you are having (general feeling of impending doom etc) and it turned out I had a kind of post traumatic stress thing as a result of DS's birth (was very nasty). You won't be able to get either this or PND 'fixed' before wedding but it helped me just to have a diagnosis and know I wasn't going potty - you might be the same.
   
   
3. Even without either of the above ANYONE would be stressed by the combi of a birth and a wedding. Do anything you can to take the stress off yourself before the wedding - have you family/friends that you could delegate to? Having said that, I do think you should go to docs/HV BEFORE the big day to have a chat.
   
   xx

[LuLuMacGloo]

Sorry - just seen that you're going to docs tomorrow.

[LuLuMacGloo]

Rones - just checking in again and wondered how you are getting on? Was the doctor any help?