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Fed up with long term depression ! ( Long... and prob tedious!)

(197 Posts)
StarSparkle Tue 03-Jun-08 17:36:23

Hi,

Does anyone have any tips on coping with long term depression ?

I have been living with clinical depression for 13 years and I am getting a bit fed up with it ! I feel mine is some sort of chemical imbalance as long term depression ( anxitey, bi polar, panic attacks and dependance) runs in my mothers side of the family.

I'n the last 13 years i have been to 2 different councillors, one who tryed to put answers in my mouth and the other who was a mental health assessor. Both were completely unhelpful and seemed to only think mental illness only derives from life experience.

I always have dark thoughts, but as i have lived with it for so long have trained myself to deal with them. I have a had few v minor breakdowns only lasting a few days/weeks. I have taken overdoses 3 times in my teens and had to go to a&e. I also have self harmed (in my teens for 3 yrs).

I often have feelings of cutting myself but since then but have only done it a handful of times in the last 7 years.

I have also developed a degree of social anxiety - which i never had before !

Anyway, enough of me feeling sorry for myself and wallowing in self pity !

Anyones experience or suggestions would be apperiated ! ( I have really bad spelling - so apologies!)

Divastrop Tue 03-Jun-08 21:23:45

hismile

i came to this topic to start a similar thread,so i have no advice im afraid.

i have also suffered depression and anxiety on and off for about 13-14 years.i have seen 4 councellors and 3 CPNs and got pretty much the same crap-going over and over things that had happened in my life to make me feel bad,but never adressing a)why i repeatedly got into these situations and b)why i couldnt 'handle' normal ups and downs without getting anxious/depressed.

i am supposed to be having group therapy for my self-esteem issues at the moment,but it runs for a couple of weeks then gets cancelled for 2-4 weeks leaving me in limboland feeling like shit.

i get frustrated as every time i feel better i cant enjoy it because i know it wont lastsad

Eve34 Tue 03-Jun-08 21:32:47

Again no advice, I have a history of depression for 10 years plus. I have dealt with it as best I can, but it came to a head when I had my son 2006. I have just had an increase in meds, and will be passed on to the hospital. I am fed up of feelinf so sad all the time, there is no joy in life and I want to feel better again, so it is time to be honest and face up to my feelings. Sorry just jumping on the band wagon....

StarSparkle Tue 03-Jun-08 22:13:16

Its good to know that others have had ongoing depression. Often people only have it for a short period. Im currently on ad's, not that they do much good. However am worried that my deeper depression is being kept at bay by them. I was on prozac in my teens, again didnt do much.

Now at 28 I have the life experience to understand that if i look back in my life even when things were going good for me, i was never happy. Isn't that awful ... when there are others with so much tradegy in their lives and they still manage to cope.

I now that i will have to live with depression for the forseeable future.
I often look at others my age and see them as responsble adults and look at myself and see a freak ! Very self-absorbed i know... but i have found depression (my atleast) to be a very selfish illness. Thanks for ur input divastrop and eve34 .

Eve34 Tue 03-Jun-08 22:26:25

You are welcome, just hope you have brighter days too. I am down at the moment, and I know it is weight related, but all I do is eat because I am down. I feel my family deserve better than me. I have just had my Citalapram to 40mg. We have just booked a week away to norfolk, ok not anything fancy but a week away I am hoping will give me a break from the normal and something to look forwad too. Hope you can keep your chin up hon. x

wiggleit Tue 03-Jun-08 22:31:07

Hi, I too suffer with depression, have done most of my life. I'm currently seeing a psychologist (actually for M.E) but she is brilliant. I have felt so much better for talking to her. I have also in the past seen many CPN's (not one have i found to be helpful) and a psychiatrist (which was also unhelpful coz it was assumed i was totally loony...no disrespect). I am currently on prozac which does help me definitely.

Living with depression is awful. I have good spells and bad. At the mo I'm going through a bad spell mainly due to the fact that my Dad was ill recently with cancer and i've also had a massive fall out with my sis. It has sent me into the depths again, but i will come out of it, i know i will. My DH is fantastic with me and tries so hard to make everything right for me. I'm also lucky to have a good network of friends to rely on.

As you say, it is a very self-absorbed illness but we can't help how we feel and we don't choose to feel this way, it is a chemical imbalance in the brain.

I too feel my life was never happy really. I accept now that i will always be that little bit more susceptable to feeling down and not coping as well as others do. It is very hard to live with. You are not alone though.xx

StarSparkle Tue 03-Jun-08 22:43:51

Hi eve... also on citalapram (20mg), however for me it only softens the edges of it. We all have are have are ways of coping with it, yours is eating. Mine is drinking - i've been fighting with it for the last 7 years or so... haven;t drunk for a week but am almost overwhelmed by the need to do so.....i have random thoughts and anxiety all the time. Before the drinking i was smoking puff and takingpills soildly for about 3 years - so dont feel to bad about comfort eating.

Wiggleit... hee hee... i also found cpn's very crap... still remeber when my doc sent me to one when i was around 16... after asking me my name and stuff she asked me if my dad eva sexually abused me ! Ha ha... needless to say nothing like that has eva happened to me and i replyed to her question by throwing her coffee in her face and walking out ! But, hey i was only 16 !

I would like to talk to a professional... but i tend to calm up and be unable to express have i feel to them , therefore they think i dont need help !

thetoothlessfairy Tue 03-Jun-08 22:52:08

I really do think some people's brains are just wired a bit differently, IYSWIM. My GP said to me that I'll probably be on a low dose of ads for ever, just to stabilise my mood. So, it doesn't matter whether you've had massive traumas - its all relative. And we all just find ways through, although in my experience, like a lot of other people, counsellors etc are so keen to find 'a reason' that it's a complete waste of time

wiggleit Tue 03-Jun-08 22:55:12

Hey Spar - the last CPN i had i was very abusive to and told her how crap she was ( about 14yrs ago now) ... but she was! She had to know! Well done for not drinking for a week hun. That is very admirable.Good on yer!

It is hard to open up sometimes but i have honestly felt so much better for confiding in my psychologist. She has really helped me see things differently and more rationally. xx

StarSparkle Tue 03-Jun-08 23:32:59

Hey TTF, i agree with you. I believe tha ads can be useful , esp if a chem inbal.
I find the prob with most counsellors is they tend to work off theroy learnt off courses rather than experience. The experience of long term depression is very different from the theroy learnt acedemically (where everything has a clear cut answer and means of action too)! Hee hee... look at me waffling on !

Hey Wigg, i find it very hard to taslk to professionals, when i have been in sessions i find myself answering all the questions is a postive and far from the truth way, i always feel that i have no need to have the dark feelings i have constantly because i'm worried they will either see me as useless or weak! Sad i know.... was assessed for a phycholoigst when i was 17, but again refused to reveal my true feelings and lied... so my fault ! blush

BoyzntheShire Tue 03-Jun-08 23:41:53

hiya
am going to bed now...
but yeah, im a bit of a long termer too [boo]
was depressed from about age 10 till 21/22, then again after having dc (pnd?) at 26.
shite innit? smile
sleep well.

Eve34 Wed 04-Jun-08 09:09:02

Morning all,

Well the sun is out, so I am trying to be a beat mre up beat. The washing is on teh line and the windows are open so that is a start. Working today so off out on visits soon. Funny how work I can put on an act for - working with the terminally ill, you can't really go in with the weight of the world on your shoulders - they make me feel very humble.

Anyhow, hope everyone is ok. SS well done on not drinking, I can't go a day without cutting back. So give yourself a pat on the back.

Divastrop Wed 04-Jun-08 12:12:09

hello,SS-thank you for starting this thread,i was beginning to think i was useless and crap as everyone else either just gets on with life or has short-term depression that gets 'cured' by tablets or CBT.

i am on prozac,20mg.they are the only thing thats ever worked for me,and i mean worked as in stabilise my mood a bit.i thought they werent doing anything untill i tried to stop taking them and ended up almost suicidalsad

i am also glad(?!)to hear im not the only one to find CPNs useless.the one i see at the moment seems to think that my only problem is that ive lost my self-identity since having children,and that going to college or having some time to myself once or twice a week will sort everything outhmm.she wont listen to the fact that i became depressed 4 years before i had my first child.

i used to drink loads,especially after splitting up with xp and xh.i stopped drinking altogether when i was on effexor last year,i just lost the desire to drink for some reason,then by the time i came off it the habit was broken.i still smoke though,way too much.

i am having abad spell at the moment as i am having problems with the neighbours' children picking on my dd1.dh says im taking it far too much to heart but its a vicious circle,i worry about it which makes me feel deressed which makes it seem 100x worse than it is.

StarSparkle Wed 04-Jun-08 14:37:39

Hi all,

It is had a suuny day so far, wso i did a bit of gardening (ha ha - im getting old!).

Still feeling a bit down but not half as anxouis as yesterday. DivaS - i know the feeling about not thinking the ad's are doing any good - then finding out they are when its too late. I run out of mine the other week and thought missing 2 days untill the docs opened after the weekend would be fine ( as am only on low dose of 20mg once a day) ! Wrong ! I thought i was going mad and generally flipped out and started getting real anxiety when i convinced myself that something terrible was going to happen ! In the end i had to get my good ole dad to drive me down the docs as i was fretting so much about stuff i cud'nt bring myself to walk down there ! Oh dear !

Much better now. Also glad im not drinking at the mo. I never used to drink all day or anything - but found myself having a bottle of wine in the evening, always having to polish it off. I want to stop for a bit they have a desingated eve each week when i can enjoy a drink. Im sure 1 night a week would be fine ! Just as long as i dont go back to bad habits !

Hope everyone is feeling ok 2day !

wiggleit Wed 04-Jun-08 15:32:39

Hi everyone! Isn't it a beaut day? The sun definitely helps me. Well i went to the drs this morning about my depression and she has upped my prozac to 60mg a day now. Also seeing a counsellor tomorrow..(quick i know, due to a cancellation) so i'll see if that helps any.

How is everyone? Depression is such an awful illness isn't it?

SS - i think some people do find it hard to talk to strangers and like you say act more positive in front of them etc..I'm not too bad at opening up, and my theory is they can only help me if they truly know whats wrong. It's in your own interest to be upfront and honest about how you really feel but i appreciate that it is hard for some people to talk so personal to someone you don't really know. Feel for you hun. It depends what mood i'm in too. If i don't feel like going into stuff then i play it down a bit which isn't helpful in the long run.

Good luck with the not drinking. That's a hard one when you're feeling low i think coz i tend to have a drink to help me unwind. I drink most nights since becoming depressed. I feel i need to get that under control. But it does make me feel better so it's hard! xx

Eve34 Wed 04-Jun-08 19:46:49

Well done Wiggleit, glad you got an appointment si quickly, hope it helps. I had counselling many years a go, it did help me see things more clearly and made to recognise at the time my xDH was the problem not me.

Divastrop - I was beginning to think I was the only one suffering long term. have 2 friends who have had PND bounced back and are all 'normal' - so they say. Maybe I am the only honest one that says, actually life it a little bit of a struggle.

Took DS to the paddling pool after work, felt I should do something nice with him. He had a great time and has gone straight to bed. So just going to see what there is to eat............. x

Feels good to share with others who know how it is - thank you ladies.

StarSparkle Wed 04-Jun-08 20:34:36

Eveing to all ! Glad (like most of u that have posted) that there are others out there with long term depression. It makes me feel less isolated. The thing i find hardest about living with a mental illness is the majority of people tell u that u are feeling sorry for youself or get a grip . I really do believe that mental illness is so misunderstood and pushed under the carpet. Glad you ladies have similar experiences . Hope u are all ok !

Eve34 Wed 04-Jun-08 20:41:11

I always hoped it would pass, my DP is the only one who knows how bad it is and I feel guilty for off loading on him. I try to stay away from family unless I know I can hamdle it, don't go out much as feel uncomfortable with others. I do keep trying though.

Divastrop Wed 04-Jun-08 20:49:04

i find guilt is a huge part of depression-guilt that i'm bringing dh down with me,guilt that im not a good enough mum etc.i dont feel comfortable mixing with people either,i always feel like an outsider and that others think im boring or moany.

eve34-its good to focus on the positives,like those nice times with the dcsmile

Eve34 Wed 04-Jun-08 20:56:14

Oh I am so please we have started this thread, I have finally found others who know where I am coming from. Thank you so much - good to know we are not alone.

paperchain Wed 04-Jun-08 20:56:38

empathy all round from me

StarSparkle Wed 04-Jun-08 21:07:31

Diva strop.. that is so true , guilt is a big part of depression... i feel gulity all the time, even in the smallest thing i do. To the point that if someone upsets me and i vioce my opinion, they seem to give me a reason why have upset the... any feelings about myself go out the window and then i focus on how bad i have treated someone else !

paperchain Wed 04-Jun-08 22:40:02

guilt guilt guilt

coudlnt agree more

wiggleit Thu 05-Jun-08 14:57:36

Hi everyone! How are we all today?

Totally agree about the guilt thing. I beat myself up about everything. Feel real guilty for not doing enough with DH and DD.

Saw a counsellor today, first session. It went well, feel there is some hope. Will keep you posted.

This thread is a great help too, like many have said, you feel so isolated with depression and it is definitely misunderstood. I hate it when people don't take it that seriously and brush it off as you having a bad day or wanting attention. I can't describe how it feels but it's a dark place to be.

Well, at least the sun is shining again! smile Hope everyone is well. chins up girls! hmm xx

Eve34 Thu 05-Jun-08 15:52:55

Glad the session went well wiggleit, that is a real positive thing to do - well done you.

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