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my dp........

(17 Posts)
frequentmnetter Thu 20-Jan-05 13:50:55

my dp had a rough childhood and is the type of man who has to be the provider(im a sahm)and wants to make evrything 'right' and continually looks on ways to improve our life. however since having dd most of our friends and family have deserted us, we had to downgrade our house and used most of the money to pay off the new mortgage so we wernt in debt, then dp took voluntary redundancy to help me with dd(ive got pdn. he went back to work in december and seems to really like this job, problem is, he told me last night that he feels like hes in groundhog day and that he comes home and just waits to go back to work, that he wants to spend more time with dd, but also has other stuff on his mind that he needs to do before bed, so his heads all over the place..i wont go into me and him as thats another story, we're more like lodgers than gf and bf been going out for almost 10 years
i told him that i think hes very depressed and he said yes..but that was it????how can i help him?, its unlikely he'll go to docs and i know he wont take ad's, we will never be able to get much time to ourselves to do things as we have very little help. he just doesnt seem interested in me or anything i do anymore and seems resentful of 'our' situation...im at the end of my tether and really need some advice?

Carla Thu 20-Jan-05 14:03:35

fmn. No advice I'm afraid - but didn't want you to feel alone. You know someone will be along soon with some words of wisdom. Why have your friends deserted you? Do you think it's since you've had dd?
{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}}} in the meantime. XX

frequentmnetter Fri 21-Jan-05 10:03:24

anyone?

purpleturtle Fri 21-Jan-05 10:16:00

Do you have anyone else - friend/family - who could talk to him? Or who he could talk to, for that matter. If he does need ad's, he'll probably hear it more easily from someone other than you.

Presumably you've seen a doctor with your pnd, and if that was helpful, then why wouldn't your dp agree to see a doctor to help him?

How old is dd?

frequentmnetter Fri 21-Jan-05 10:40:07

neither of us have anyone close to talk to as friends and family dissapeared shortly after dd born(21 months now), yes i saw doc about pnd when dd was about 8 months old, didnt want to admit it myself, so i know how he feels...problem is because we're not talking properly, its difficult to broach the subject, even last night he came in, was fine then when he came down from bath, was in a foul mood so i stayed upstairs all night..he has been to my docs with me before, so if i could get the chance to speak to him about it, i would suggest he change doc and see mine(he's really nice and very into alternatives as well as knowing what you need and even gets s.a.d himself). just fed up really, feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place, he's left this morning again and we hardly spoke

purpleturtle Fri 21-Jan-05 11:39:27

Could you make any time over the weekend to talk?

Have you moved away from your friends? Or have they just lost interest since you had dd? Could you ring any of them to try to catch up a bit? I know it's a massive adjustment when a baby arrives, and it can be really hard to work out how a friendship continues, when your social life is necessarily curtailed. I'm sure that the pnd makes this especially hard for you. Have you tried making new friends - at mums or toddlers, for example - who might understand your situation first hand?

Please understand that I'm not trying to fob you off in any way, but I think you need to find a friendship group in the 'real world' and not just on mn. They would be able to help you in practical ways - maybe babysitting occasionally so you and dp can have some time.

Obviously I'm 'flying blind' a bit here, because I'm just a random stranger to you. If I'm offering advice that you're not interested in, then please just disregard it. I'll listen to advice all day long, and at the end of the day, I'll take the advice that agrees with what I've felt deep down all along. I hope you can do the same.

And if there's any one out there with a clue what they're talking about, then get on here and post something helpful for fmn!

purpleturtle Fri 21-Jan-05 11:39:27

Could you make any time over the weekend to talk?

Have you moved away from your friends? Or have they just lost interest since you had dd? Could you ring any of them to try to catch up a bit? I know it's a massive adjustment when a baby arrives, and it can be really hard to work out how a friendship continues, when your social life is necessarily curtailed. I'm sure that the pnd makes this especially hard for you. Have you tried making new friends - at mums or toddlers, for example - who might understand your situation first hand?

Please understand that I'm not trying to fob you off in any way, but I think you need to find a friendship group in the 'real world' and not just on mn. They would be able to help you in practical ways - maybe babysitting occasionally so you and dp can have some time.

Obviously I'm 'flying blind' a bit here, because I'm just a random stranger to you. If I'm offering advice that you're not interested in, then please just disregard it. I'll listen to advice all day long, and at the end of the day, I'll take the advice that agrees with what I've felt deep down all along. I hope you can do the same.

And if there's any one out there with a clue what they're talking about, then get on here and post something helpful for fmn!

purpleturtle Fri 21-Jan-05 11:40:03

Sorry, didn't mean to put that on there twice.

Evesmama Fri 21-Jan-05 13:57:51

purpleturtle, thankyou
i do have a couple of friends from playgroups and one of whom, i have spoken too about looking after dd one night so we can go out..however, we've all been ill since i asked her and when i told dp he said to ask if XXX and XXX wanted to come(friends who only bother when we're boozing), i would have liked it just me and him, i thinnk thats more important that 'socialising' as it where at the minute, which is what makes me think there is something wrong with us if our first night out together in over 16 months is to be with another couple
but im getting of track, its him i need to sort out, i can sort of cope, he however finds things harder to deal with.

purpleturtle Fri 21-Jan-05 16:30:49


It's definitely not plain sailing for you is it?

How about, you go out with friends, which could do you both good, and if you can't get a sitter for a 2nd night out, you cook a lovely meal at home one evening and talk over that? Does that sound in any way feasible?

Evesmama Mon 24-Jan-05 11:32:08

hi purpleturtle, sorry i couldnt find this thread again
well, over weekend has been up and down, he spoke more about how he feels, but didnt come up with any solutions..however we've started healthy eating and excersizing, and have bit the bullet and have a long chat with my mam and asked her if she would have dd(whilst she's asleep)one or two night a week so we can go swimming or too gym, or even a night out hopefully...she said she'd love too!!????(not like her..long, long..story)
but overall weekend was better and hope that if we get some time alone, we can start 'getting on' again
thankyou so much for your advise[smile

Evesmama Mon 24-Jan-05 11:34:01

oops, used my normal mnetter name there..never mind, wasnt secret from you, just incase dp read it

purpleturtle Mon 24-Jan-05 12:03:01

Good to see you smiling
Hope you have a good week - enjoy the gym!

Evesmama Tue 25-Jan-05 09:03:38

thankyou
hope you have a lovely week too, thankyou for your kindness

purpleturtle Tue 25-Jan-05 22:22:39

Am now having a great week, because a new computer arrived this afternoon, and we've got it online, so now I can mn for ages without crashing out.

Haven't managed to set the e-mail up yet; may require a call to technical support in the morning. Ho hum.

Been to the gym yet?

Evesmama Wed 26-Jan-05 09:37:28

not yet, but am taking dd swimming this afternoon, at the minute, she's laid flat out on the floor watching something special!, must get off my bum and get us both ready.
glad your having a good week and hope you get you email sorted

purpleturtle Wed 26-Jan-05 10:03:41

I lied. I typed that last post to you and the machine crashed out. But I love technical support and they seem to have fixed the problem and sorted out my e-mail.

We never go swimming. I'm too lazy. My excuse is that I have 2 under 4 so I'm not allowed to take them without another adult, but the truth is that I hate the thought of it. Hope you have fun.

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