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Struggling and not good enough.

(51 Posts)
MistressMary Wed 19-Jan-05 23:02:21

Hiya, first and hopefully not a too common occurance under this topic, for me.
The title says it all really and it's getting me down.
Everyday is the same,nobody to talk too, my partner is self employed and works daft hours all the time.
My boy is good except he does not sleep a lot and he is still awake now after what 4 hours CC, rubbing back, etc. etc. I don't get rest during the day as he sleeps an hour at the tops.
I get very tired and my eating is poor too.
The more I try to get my act together the more difficult it is to actually achieve anything.
I feel a poor mother and letting my son down somehow, even the birth was a struggle and am currently waiting for my birth notes to read and chat to someone about my experience.
I know I have nothing to maon about really compared to some folk and I feel bad for even posting this. However something is wrong for me to feel like this and it needs correcting, it's eating me up too much to let it go untreated.

Mothernature Wed 19-Jan-05 23:15:33

MistressMary so sorry you are feeling like this, {{{hugs}}} sounds like you need a pick me up...if your not eating well then your not fueling the fire...try juicing some fruit to get your energy levels higher, ....hope your notes come back fine... Moan away were listening...

Fimbo Wed 19-Jan-05 23:18:14

{{{Hugs}}}}MistressMary. How old is your son? Do you think you could have PND?

zaphod Wed 19-Jan-05 23:19:40

I can't imagine what you are going through. Four hours of controlled cryinig would have me up the walls, no wonder you feel so bad. How old is your ds? And did you just start cc? If so it will probably be better (even if it is just a little) tomorrow. Hugs, and I hope things get better soon.

Frieda Wed 19-Jan-05 23:26:44

(((((Hugs))))) to you, MistressMary, and lots of sympathy. I'm not sure how old your boy is, but mine (now 6) didn't sleep through the night – and by that, I mean more than 4 or 5 hours at a stretch – until 15 months. And that was just one night! It sounds as though you're really, really tired, not able to recharge your batteries properly – and babies can be demanding, ungrateful little b•••••rs, which doesn't help matters. I so remember feeling like how you describe. I felt I was losing my identity and all my confidence and just existed to answer DS's seemingly never-ending demands.
Not sure whether I'm being any help here, but just wanted to say 'hang in there' – it does get better. And try if you can to get someone else to take the strain once in a while so you can get a bit of rest and do something nice for yourself so you feel like a person again. And do follow up going through your birth notes if you had a difficult time – I'm sure it can help make sense of things. Is your health visitor any use? And don't worry about having a moan on mumsnet – many of us have from time to time & it can be a great source of support.
Not sure I can be of any help with CC, as it never really worked for us (tho I'm sure other mumsnetters can) – we just went with the flow (and paid the price, I'm sure , although we have a lovely, happy, 6-year-old now who is a great source of joy to us both. I'm sure you're a great mum – just sorry you seem to be having a bit of a hard time of it just now.
F xx

MistressMary Wed 19-Jan-05 23:51:34

He's gone to sleep now.
I think I'm a negative person really. Although I do try and be chirpy and have humour about me.
He is 14 months old. CC for a fortnight and he was good after a week, but I suspect teeth maybe the culprit again.
My partner just got in from work at 10'30 and will be gone again at 6.
I think it's the isolation, and when someone else is here its makes the whole process easier.
You have someone to chat and exchange ideas with and not be wondering all the time if you are doing the right thing regarding the baby.
I crave me time, and before my boy I was self satisfying. Now of course baby comes first which is only right.The baby was a surprise package very much and we love him to bits. I just don't want him to witness my unhappiness and feel I must be stronger.

Frizbe Thu 20-Jan-05 04:09:03

have you tried homestart, they can come in and lend a hand during the day, whilst you have a bit of you time? Agree with the post about food, make sure you get regular meals down you, it does make a difference to how you feel, honest {{hugs}}

bottle Thu 20-Jan-05 06:29:37

mm so sorry you are feeling low, your ds is around the same age as mine - mine 13 months

from your previous post sounded like you had a really difficult birth - don't be too hard on yourself that is the depression talking

can you go to a toddler group/nct group each day, i have found things like that can be immensely helpful you meet some people you have something in common with eventually

can you ask your dp to look after ds for a night so that you can get some sleep, when low i was persuaded to do this and partly because low v negative about getting dh to do this not fair, would not work etc ... but i felt so much better after just one night of uninterrupted sleep it has become a habit now, he looks after ds during day or at night while i catch up

thinking of you today

desperatehousewife Thu 20-Jan-05 07:54:40

MM, It is such a hard and lonely job sometimes and it is a total shock to the system - suddenly having to put this little person before everyone and everything in your life - someone that is so utterly dependent on you - it can feel like a terrible burden sometimes. I felt quite low for the first year of my sons life - he's now 2.5 and I feel a lot better, but still have my moments - it is a big, scary job which is like having a boss that just screams at you and you don't know why he's unhappy. You get periods where you feel that it is just so unrewarding and that makes you feel guilty cos you know there are so many people worse off than you.

My advice for what it's worth is, don't compare yourself to other people - you are feeling what you are feeling. Get all your feelings out in the open - talk to a friend/partner or rant on mums net - it's what we are all here for - support.

Try and do something for yourself - a magazing subscription to look forward to or get shopping delivered or consider a nursery for a couple of mornings a week (mine went for a full day a week from 12 months old - loves it and gave me a bit of space to try and remember who the hell I was)

Try to picture every stage as just a phase (that became my mantra! "it's just a phase, just a phase...!") It does get easier, you will get more confident and you must see your positive attributes - you sound like a really caring mum. Don't beat yourself up - it's a really hard job! I'm sure you'll get to the stage where you look upon the challenges of it all as a positive - something to be relished. And just you wait til your son says "I love you mummy" - it makes it all worth it! Good luck.

kkgirl Thu 20-Jan-05 08:07:17


Sorry to hear how you are feeling. It sounds perfectly normal to me, you're not a poor mother, because you obviously care about your son.
Do you have any support, or anyone to talk to. I remember when I had my first, I didn't know anyone, because I had worked full time, and the isolation was terrible. DH would go to work, and I was left with this baby, who didn't sleep all day, and screamed in pain all afternoon. Much as I loved him, it was so hard.
Then I decided I would have to do something, it was the middle of winter, and stuck in the four walls all day was driving me nuts.
So I went to the local baby group, walked around the block twice, trying to pluck up courage to go in. When I did, everyone was very friendly, and I made friends with two girls, and although lost touch with one, made great friends with the other, and we spent a lot of time, going to each others' houses and phoning each other, and we supported each other.
I think you need some support, and some time off, easier said than done I know.
But don't be hard on yourself, having a baby does change your life, but it does get easier.

Newbarnsleygirl Thu 20-Jan-05 09:12:07

I went to playgroup with my dd on tuesday and thought it was great. If you have'nt been I would strongly recommend it. I don't live near family and friends and I don't drive either so I feel quite isolated alot of the time.
I spoke to a few other mums and found out that there was another playgroup nearby. DD went off on her own and played with the other children and the millions of toys and I just sat there with a cup of tea! Fantastic!
I think when you get your birth notes and you talk about it, it will help. Giving birth is a huge experience (if that's the right word) and not talking about it would'nt be right.
I hope things get better for you.

nightowl Thu 20-Jan-05 10:26:29

i think winter really is the worst time. ive been on my own with baby since she was born (have ds of course but you know what i mean). i dont drive and either my friends work or they live quite a journey away. the first few months drove me mad, baby cried a lot, i was so lonely and i was really looking forward to going back to work part time and getting some adult company. i got made redundant the week before i was going back which didnt help much. the summer was so much easier though as we could go to the park or i could work in the garden. its been so much bleaker since winter began..all of a sudden every time i woke up i groaned inwardly knowing i would be alone all day yet again. it does wear you down..i wasnt sleeping either. its only really the last three weeks or so that ive felt better, im not sure how it happened (maybe its the idea that i can look forward to spring soon and getting out more, perhaps because baby is older i dont know). i think its a vicious circle, you feel down, you dont sleep or eat which makes you tired and the worse it gets the harder it is to get back up. i would feel so frustrated because every time i tried to get back up i just got nowhere or something kicked me back down again. i wanted to resolve my issues but didnt feel like i could summon up the energy to do so. do you think the birth has had a lot to do with this? i was very dissapointed with mine as my first birth had been awful with my son in scbu and next time i was really thinking it would be a wonderful experience. it turned out not to be and i think that was one of the things that started me off. perhaps when you have disscussed it you may start to feel a bit more positive? could you get out with friends for a night maybe..go for a meal..somewhere without children? i dont go out often now but i found if i had something to look forward to it would make the week go a lot faster. you do need "me" time and that's nothing to feel bad about. my daughter was an unplanned baby and one of the hardest things for me to adjust to was going from being "mum, but still being me" (ds was 6 at the time) to just being "mummy" again, walking around loaded up with nappies and smelling of baby sick!..because id done all that before. i think as they get older you do start to feel more like yourself anyway. sorry i dont know the solution but it will get better (especially if you keep posting, ive moaned lots on here and it really helped). you sound like a very good mum to me!

MistressMary Thu 20-Jan-05 14:59:40

Firstly, a huge thank you to all for the brilliant adivce and your stories too. I certainly relate to a lot of what has been written here.
For my boy I go to Mum and Toddlers once a week and have just got in touch with Jo Jingles and hopefully will get a placement for him to go.
I have always worked before and it's funny being at home. I feel like I would like something to do but haven't a clue what.
I should go back to the gym really too, I did start going through the HV who knows I'm PNDish, but then I have had bouts of depression before. So may be the common variety even.

My Mum helps and My mum in law are brilliant too, they know about my mood.
My partner works all hours and all days. Shopfitter!
Although he tries to get an evening off so we can go out for meal.
I am trying my hardest to shake this grey cloud away and yes Winter is horrible the rain really upsets me too!
I think it's ok when I'm kept busy, but I do get lonely.
Somethimes it's just all to overwhelming and I get emotional.
So silly and my partner says it's only for the short term and down the road it will get easier and yes I know but when I'm down this thought, goes right out my head. Negativite ovverides my whole thought process and I get angry with myself for even allowing it to happen.
DS is alseep now and he has a cold too.
Just thank you for being there and listen to me drone on, It may help just help pouring my thoughts out here, and also try to accept my emotions instead of fightening them and deal with each day as it comes.

bottle Thu 20-Jan-05 16:20:14

yes mm someone said that to me years ago when i was very low 'stay with the feeling' i.e. don't pull away fight it and when i remembered to do that it seemed to help re what you said about not fighting your emotions

MistressMary Fri 21-Jan-05 21:40:52

Well tonight I feel like utter sh1t.
Sat her in tears, Iv'e done everything for my boy and cooked teas and wahsed up etc. Hubbies home and sat down watching telly.
I put my baby up in his cot,read to him and kissed him goodnight.
And then the usual cry, no more than five minutes tonight, to which point hubby decides to go and get him down because he cannot stand hearing his boy suffering!
Thanks for the vote of confidence in the CC and all the good work I've achieved this last fortnight, hubbie not.
I just sent him up to his cot with our baby and said you can sit with him til he does go to sleep now and you can get up to him for everytime he wakes in the night too.
Arghh, Just had to rant a bit, this sort of thing makes me feel like I'm a failure to that my hubby has little confidence in my ability to decide what is best to try and settle our boy to sleep and was working quite well.
I feel bad for posting this now but sod it.

miam Fri 21-Jan-05 21:46:37

MM - don't be sorry about posting!! You always sound so cheery and helpful to others on here - you deserve a listening ear. Sorry to go over what is probably old ground, but have you spoken to your doctor about how you are feeling? Also, you say that you tend to be a negative person, perhaps CBT could help you - another thing to speak to your doc about. Whatever you decide to do, please do not be embarassed to talk about how you are feeling as it is the first step to helping yourself. x

winnie Fri 21-Jan-05 21:51:55

Poor you Mistressmary. I am sorry you are feeling like this. I am not sure I can add to the good advice but just wanted to send you a hug.

with regard to cc. Dh did this & after I'd calmed down I explained why I felt undermined, what we were trying to achieve and what I would do to him if he intervened again Needless to say it took more than one explaination as Dh couldn't bear listening to ds crying (as if I could)... eventually however dh realised it was for the best and we both dealt with it. So my advice is explain and explain again however infuriating it might be. Good luck.

MistressMary Fri 21-Jan-05 21:54:05

I had counselling a few year back, but that was obviously before the baby. Last time was about low esteem and confidence in all aspects of life.
I will have to go back it's no good, I simply must get a different outlook on life.
I always try to help other people I guess It's my turn now to help myself.

MistressMary Fri 21-Jan-05 21:55:44

winnie the funny thing is that hubby has been working late most nights so this the quite rare for him to be home and five minutes of his son crying he cannot bare it. How the hell does he think I managed? Ha!

winnie Fri 21-Jan-05 22:08:03

MistressMary, your line *I always try to help other people I guess It's my turn now to help myself* is so true. Been there, done that Put yourself first. Look after yourself. And if you can't do it for you do it for you baby. He needs you and if you don't look after you, sad as it is, no one else will. I hope that makes sense. I spent a long time after ds was born (10 yrs after dd) readjusting and everyone/everything else came before me and it has left some lasting legacies I am still trying to unravel 4 yrs later. You deserve to be happy, don't beat yourself up about everything, be kind to yourself xx

lucy5 Fri 21-Jan-05 22:18:32

This post reminded me of myself a few years ago. When my dd was about 15 months i felt just like you. I knew things were bad when I no longer got any joy from my dd who i had previously worshipped. I went to the doc and he suspected pnd, which he said could happen much later than people think. He gave me magnesium and Vit b6. It was miraculous. I highly reccommend going to doc and getting the sunshine back in your life. Take care xxx

MistressMary Fri 21-Jan-05 22:59:17

The sunshine is definately missing.
Guess what whilst hubby came down for a cup of tea that I made,we had a discussion about his actions tonight and whilst discussing this, yes my boy went to sleep on his own, like he would of done in the first place I suspect!
Just thanks again for being there and words of wisdom and rational thoughts it really is helpful, you know.

miam Sat 22-Jan-05 10:32:39

Hi MM. How are you today? Yes, I agree that it is definately time for you to think about yourself. Having more CBT would help. And if you do help yourself, you will be helping the rest of the family too (ofcourse that should not be the main motive - you are the important one here). Hope you are feeling a little more positive today. xx

MistressMary Sat 22-Jan-05 11:51:49

Well it's ok, my partner is working and so I am entertaining little one.
Hopefully my partner will be home in time so we can go out tonight.
I managed a good nights sleep , so that is helpful.
I think my upset comes on more in the early evening and the settling down routine.
I notice a bit of a pattern.
Thanks for asking take it as it comes I s'pose.

winnie Sat 22-Jan-05 15:21:23

MistressMary, Hi... I was wondering how you are today too. Perhaps if you have noticed a pattern to your feeling particularly low you could try to alter the routine in some way or plan for something to look forward to following the routine. I realise that babies need routine but if the routine is affecting you so badly maybe breaking it up in some way could help. Just an thought. Anyhow, thinking of you Winnie x

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