Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, see our mental health web guide which can point you to expert advice.

Any social workers? Do I say how I feel? Please help.

(27 Posts)
fffff Wed 19-Jan-05 13:04:49

I've posted about how I'm feeling at being pg many times before - I probably have a reputation for being a complete moaner by now! I have a very supportive GP & HV who I have already seen. They know me and have talked it all through. They offered counselling, but I had a bad experience of that and don't want to fail at something right now. Otherwise they've told me to be easy on myself and to take it easy. I'm not good at this, and have pushed myself over the edge at work, so now occupational health are involved too. Everytime I see someone they make me feel better and that I can push on, but then within a day or two I back to square one, or even lower. I am seeing my GP again tomorrow and am scared that I'll get the same old supportive words that make me feel better for 24 hours but really do nothing at all. So my question is, do I say about the disturbing thoughts I've been having? How when it kicks I get an image of shoving my hand in my stomach, grabbing a limb and shaking it? Do I say about how when I was dressing ds and he was having a toddler strop about holding his toy tractor and while flailing he hit the tractor in his mouth by mistake and I just carried on because I felt he deserved it and it was only when dp said "there's blood pouring down his chin" that I stopped? These things really disturb me, and I don't like being like this - I'm usually so in control. But if I say this to my GP or anyone else, will they take my babies away cos I might hurt them?

Sorry, I've just decided that I'm going to change my name because I feel so ashamed. You do know me well, I'm not a troll, and actually I am lacking the inspiration to think up a true disguise name anyway! Please help.

Newbarnsleygirl Wed 19-Jan-05 13:13:29

Don't be ashamed. Have you read the phobics support thread?
Well like you I get images and thoughts in my head and have them since DD was born 15 months ago. I know exactly how you feel. I went to see my GP and he was very good but just offered me AD's which I did'nt bother taking.
When your ds had a strop and hurt himself I think that was just a normal thought, I'm the same!
I find that certain things help me like keeping busy, watching funny things on the tv, going out or even calling someone over for a cuppa.
Keep talking cos I really do know how you feel. I can't stay long but I will be back tomorrow.

fffff Wed 19-Jan-05 13:32:43

Thanks NBG. I will look for the phobics thread. I suppose what was disturbing about the thoughts about ds was that it is so unlike me, for example, not slapping/smacking has never been an issue for me because the thought would never cross my mind. Yet here I am having hurtful and violent thoughts. I don't feel like me, and I quite like me usually!

MummytoSteven Wed 19-Jan-05 14:15:11

hi ffff. sorry you are having a tough time with being PG atm. i have had intrusive unpleasant thoughts in the past, due to OCD, and I think people can also have problems with unpleasant thoughts when they feel anxious and/or depressed as well. everyone has weird/unpleasant thoughts at sometime - but if you are feeling a bit down for other reasons you find it hard to shake them off/ignore them, and if you end up feeling panicking/guilty about having them, that makes you feel worse, and then more prone to having further unpleasant thoughts- sort of a vicious cycle of anxiety. it's no coincidence that your thoughts are focussing on your unborn baby - the most important thing to you - your mind is "playing tricks on you" for want of a better turn of phrase.

in terms of counselling - was it any particular type of counselling that you had a bad experience of - i have had a bad experience with counselling too - inner child counselling - but there are lots of different types of counselling, and a CBT type of counselling might be a bit more your cup of tea, rather than a "relating everything back to your childhood sort of counselling" whether or not counselling works out for you isn't a reflection you personally - might be a reflection of whether the type of counselling is your sort of thing, of the chemistry between you and the counsellor or even the competence of the counsellor!

if you just say to the GP that as well as feeling down you are being troubled by unpleasant thoughts/images then I think they would understand that is part of the your depression, rather than being any reflection on you as a person. but if you really don't feel that you can talk to anyone face to face about it, you could call the Samaritans possibly?

take care

(don't have home computer atm so probably won't be around for quite a few days)

fffff Wed 19-Jan-05 14:27:43

Hi MTS. Thanks for your thoughts. I think it was CBT that I had before. I fell out with the counsellor over the fact that I felt I no longer needed counselling and he did, but wasn't able to make it clear to me why, he seemed to imply there was something further to "discover" and I felt I was actually fine. That was over a year ago now - after ds was born. I also don't like the idea of talking about myself again and again. I don't think I'm very good at it because I always end up agreeing with what I'm hearing and it just doesn't seem to help. And now I know I'm contradicting myself - so I'm even more confused. I suppose what I really want is for someone to wave a magic wand and make it stop hurting, I really don't want to be like this, so miserable and incapable. I know to a lot of people it seems self indulgent, but I hate being like this, I want to be me. So that's why I'm thinking of telling the GP these things that shock me - cos I want to shock her into seeing how crap I feel, so that something real that doesn't involve sitting around just talking about it can happen. But I don't know what, I really don't. I just want this baby out of me so that things can return to normal. Well, normalish!

MiriamR Wed 19-Jan-05 14:33:50

I guess we all have had disturbing thoughts at times but the very fact that you have posted about these shows that these thoughts are becoming quite significant for you at the mo and creating further anxiety for you. Have you had such thoughts before? and if so, have had you spoken to anyone about them, received counselling etc?

I've got to say I don't agree with NBG when she says- "When your ds had a strop and hurt himself I think that was just a normal thought, I'm the same!" - I don't think that is 'the norm', sure toddlers can hurt themselves when having a strop, and yes, I'm sure we've all thought on occasion "well that was your own fault" but when someone else (in this case your dp)has had to intervene to get you to start taking note of his bleeding mouth, _on top of_ everything else you're going thru at the mo, I think that you need to take some action. Sorry to sound a bit harsh because it could be a one-off, Could you talk to your dp? is he supportive?

I guess what would guide a potential referral to social services would be if someone or even yourself felt that there was the potential for you to act on your thoughts. If you don't think that you would act on them, could you talk to someone anonymously, ie MIND, Samaritians, Parentline, etc in the first instance and take things from there. My thoughts are with you

Newbarnsleygirl Wed 19-Jan-05 15:06:48

Thats what I meant MiriamR. Sorry if it did'nt come across like that.
What you added at the end as well MiriamR is exactly what my GP told me.

logic Wed 19-Jan-05 15:40:40

Think I know who you are normally. Been thinking about your post all afternoon...I really don't know what to say though except that I understand. Really. It just gets too much and your ds doesn't understand that you have needs too. I have been wanting to scream 'but there are two people in this body and I am one of them!'. Does that sound familiar? Maybe you could discuss ADs with your GP tomorrow? I know that my friend took them even when she was still pregnant because she felt so bad. Once the baby is born, I really hope that everything will be better. Hang on there!

MiriamR Wed 19-Jan-05 15:43:59

Sorry NBG - may have misunderstood you there. Hope fffff is OK

fffff Wed 19-Jan-05 15:51:18

logic, I think you're probably right about who I am! I've been trying not to moan on our thread cos there are so many first timers, and I feel that I am putting them off! And I hope I haven't upset you by feeling like this. The way I reacted to your post makes me think that maybe you are right, ADs is the answer I am after - although I'd need to know how they work, because I wouldn't want to get my hopes up if they aren't going to make much difference. Thanks for your thoughts. It is tough, isn't it?

MummytoSteven Wed 19-Jan-05 15:58:07

hi FFF. not sure if what you had was CBT - or pure CBT - as the CBT that I have encountered was time limited (i.e. more a question of therapist giving you the boot after x no of sessions than trying to make you stay!!!) and didn't look at "discovering" things, more firstly at trying to resolve my OCD behaviour (at that point when I was PG obsession with hygiene/listeria/toxo/compulsive handwashing) then latterly trying to change my negative thought patterns - things like reality testing/forming alternative more healthy views of things/situations

i should imagine that ADs wouldn't be the first thing your GP would recommend since 1)you are PG and 2)there are recent recommendations on treatment of depression to try and decrease use of ADs. i also ended up on Prozac at 30 weeks PG - but not without some difficulty as GP refused to prescribe ADs or refer me to a psych (as the psych would "just say you should have counselling anyway (which I was having and found useless).

another thought - are there any sympathetic community or hospital midwives you could talk things through with? are you having any obstetrician appointments - at my local hospital every woman has at least one appointment with a doctor, and when I spoke out about how I was feeling at mine, they were great - referred me to the Disability Support Midwife, and eventually referred me to a psychiatrist. BTW it was very much my wish that they referred me to the psych - not something that I was pressganged into!

logic Wed 19-Jan-05 16:35:54

I know exactly what you mean about not upsetting the first timers - I want it to stay lovely and special for them because it was the first time for me. I wonder why we feel so differently this time? I have been having utterly bleak thoughts too on and off over the last month in particular - you probably know why but they seem to be getting less frequent now. I am starting to think that there may be light at the end of the tunnel - even though it will involve frills Is there anyway that you and dp can go off for a weekend together? Dh and I are doing just that this weekend, ds will be with the in-laws.

Loobz Wed 19-Jan-05 20:55:02

Hi fffff,
I am a social worker and can assure you that no one will take your children away from you if you talk about how you are feeling. What they would do is to help you try to find supports to help you cope with these feelings.
Counselling isn't always the answer for people and a lot depends on what is available in your area.
Although the needs of the child takes priority, a lot of my work involves finding appropriate supports for parents for whatever reason and we would only remove a child from the family home if it was felt that the risk factors were too high. Even then we would look to extended family members to take children if needed. Removing children is normally a last resort after supports have been tried and failed, unless we can evidence clear and immediate danger.
For your own sake tell someone how you feel - this can't be easy for you. {{{{{Hugs}}}}}
Let me know how things go - I'll be thinking of you.

fffff Thu 20-Jan-05 10:48:40

Thanks very much to everyone for your help and advice. I was very upfront and honest in the doctors today. She diagnosed depression, which of course I would rather not have at all, but at the same time it feels good to know that something may be done that will help me not to feel like this any more. She has referred me to a psychiatrist who will be able to help me with either ADs or counselling or both - although I still need to be convinced about counselling after last time. She has also signed me off until the end of next week, and I intend to use the time for me me me to try and beat this. Apart from anything else, ds' behaviour when I'm around is getting worrying, and I want to get better for his sake. Thanks again, f xx

Newbarnsleygirl Thu 20-Jan-05 11:11:21

Do you feel a bit better now you have seen your gp? I'm sure you'll start to feel better. When do you go to see the psychiatrist?

flakecake Thu 20-Jan-05 13:07:15

hi there, I was just wondering if you have much loving support? I can relate to some of the things you have mentioned and I fight so hard to be well all of the time for my dd.
I feel it just does not help if there is no one around to care for you. Sometimes I feel completely alone and like... an alien or something. Family support makes all the difference but not all of us get it.

Try some positve thinking books. Do you go to play groups?

Pamina3 Thu 20-Jan-05 13:27:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fffff Thu 20-Jan-05 13:32:34

Thanks for coming back and looking in nbg. In a way I do feel better, and I also feel that I can now completely relax. I have a wonderful manager (not my line manager or ultimate boss, but the only other person on the same level as them) and I spoke to her this morning, and she is always very supportive. As I spoke to her this morning she was as great as usual, and one thing she said was that the reason why she is so supportive is that she has personal experience of this (by the way she spoke, her experience is of supporting her dh going through similar). She knows dp well, and knows how supportive he will be - and told me to listen to him, as he is the one who will "see sense" for me.

DP is very very supportive. His dad has suffered from depression throughout most of dp's life, so he is well practiced at being supportive. My parents (especially my mum) are not so great, and we think we will keep quiet to them!. DP is good as he makes suggestions that will help me (e.g. go for a walk) but doesn't judge me a failure if I just can't face it. I am very lucky, flakecake, as ds is in nursery fulltime, so I will be home alone for the next couple of weeks (and a very good friend with children the same age is at home on chiken pox duty for the next week too!). You're right, supportive people are very important - I think what pushed things to their limit this week was my mum telling me not to be so pathetic when I tried to talk to her about it!

Thanks again for all your support

Newbarnsleygirl Thu 20-Jan-05 13:42:29

It's great that your Dp is supportive. Let us know how you get on with the P.

MiriamR Thu 20-Jan-05 13:59:39

ff - am so pleased that things don't seem so bleak for you today - you sound like you've got a great dp there, a real gem. Glad that your GP and the manager at work at so supportive of you and hats off to you for 'coming clean' to your GP - that took real guts and courage. Enjoy your 'me time' over next couple of weeks. Hugs

logic Thu 20-Jan-05 16:46:02

I'm so glad, f. Just having a plan is brilliant. Get loads of rest, chocolate and some retail therapy Do not listen to your mum. Depression is not pathetic

I am trying to make the most of the precious time that I have with ds alone before the new baby arrives too.

fisil Fri 04-Feb-05 12:53:34

I wanted to revive this thread as my appointment has finally come through with the specialist that my GP referred me to. The letter says that a doctor (psych) will be there and a social worker too. Why? What will the social worker's role be?

I can't be bothered to go to my profile and change my alias! I am fffff who cannot be bothered to hide any more.

WideWebWitch Fri 04-Feb-05 13:16:17

Hi fisil, I haven't seen this before but sorry you're feeling so awful. I just wondered if you've seen Rhubarb's site? She had bad ante natal depression and set up a site to help people, I'll see if I can find it.

WideWebWitch Fri 04-Feb-05 13:17:25

it's here

MummytoSteven Fri 04-Feb-05 14:05:41

hi fisil.

think you had best ask your GP or HV (which ever is most approachable) what the social workers' role will be at this meeting - it might be that the social worker is a mental health social worker, who will offer support in relation to you, rather than being there in respect of your children. but rather than second guess best to try and find out exactly what is going on.

sorry i can't be more helpful and that you have been feeling so down.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: