how do I get through the day?

[eeyore123]

I have been feeling bad for the past 5 and a half years on and off since the birth of my first baby. I have been on and off antidepressants ever since. Recently its been getting worse, and been aggravated by other thing happening in life, money, jobs, family problems etc. DH and mines relationship has gradually fallen apart over the past year or so. I know relationships change after time but both of us have said we haven't got that 'in love' feeling anymore. I always come of the ADs cos DH doesn't like me being on them. Well the other day I finally went to the doctors and got some more. She also put me on diazepam for my panic attacks. DH was really funny with me when I told him I was back on ADs. I sat there for over an hours trying to expain to him that I'm ill, and that if it was cancer, he would surely want me to do something about it. Why can't I take tablets for my ill head?? In the end I think he gave up, but he still isn't happy about it. He refused to come to the doctor with me so that she could explain everything to him. We have never really been completely settled in our relationship. There has always been something go wrong or come between us. The trouble is, I can't see how ADs will help cos in the long run, me and DH will probably not last. He has left me a few times. Only for a couple of nights, but he just seems to keep running away from everything. Then he comes back and tells me that I should be the one to leave seeing as he bought everything in the house. I refuse to leave. I have battled and fought all of my life for everything, most of the time without success.

I had a horrible panic attack earlier this morning and I am feeling very ill, nervous and shaky......I haven't been able to take the kids to school and I just know that I am going to get yelled at for that. But it is impossible for me to leave the house today. I feel so sick and shaky. I don't want to take the diazepam for fear it will make me drowsy and I won't be able enough to help my kids today.

Not sure how I am going to get through today.

[mishi1977]

aww hun depression is a horrendous illness as like oyu say its something you cant see so people dont acknowledge it in the same way. I have been suffering for the past 15mths and things have been really bad at points..am on my way down again but desperatly struggling to keep above water...the diazepam wont make you drowsy hun it just works to keep the anxiety levels down so that you can try to go nd do wht you need to do...have you ever been reffered for counseling or to mental health services? I only ask because I am under MHS and have found it very helpful as I have a CPN who comes out each week which is fab for me to offload but also she can monitor moods etc more closely, just huge hugs to you hun
take care
mishi

[eeyore123]

Yes I have been referred. Still waiting to hear from them.

[candycane]

Just wanted to send hugs to you eeyore. You may see from another thread that I've been feeling really down this week. DEpression is such a scary thing and I suspect it's one in which you feel very alone? Your relationship seems to be at least one factor in the depression and I hope your husband can begin to see that, like you say, you have an illness which needs to be treated. Even if he can't, don't give up on the ADs if that is what the doctor has said you need. Also I agree with mishi that perhaps a counsellor may be able to help; at least for yourself and then maybe later with your husband. Huge hugs, hon, I'm thinking of you.

[jangly]

Take the tablets the doctor has prescribed for you. You need to trust the doctor - you can't decide what to take and what not to because you are ill! Take the tablets for as long as the doctor tells you to. Then you will feel more on top of things. Could you take the kids in late and perhaps not mention it to your DH?

[eeyore123]

i really dont feel like i can leave the house. Its not DH I'm worried about its the inlaws. They are very strict and pushy with education, and even when I was in labour, MIL complained about getting my DS to school.

[jangly]

I would say definitely take one of your diazepan tabs the doc gave you. Won't make you drowsy - just calm!

[jangly]

And forget about the inlaws!

[jangly]

Btw, I'm not a medical person. Just speaking from past experience!

[eeyore123]

I havent opened my curtains yet. The kids arent dressed. Im freezing now even though the heatings on full blast. There is so much I SHOULD be doing but nothing i feel ABLE to do. bad bad bad mummy

[jangly]

Oh you poor thing. Don't know what to say really. One foot in front of the other. Just do the best you can, one day at a time. x

[morningpaper]

Oh no poor you. Try taking half a tablet of diazepam and see how that goes? It can make you drowsy (in my experience) but generally will just make you feel a bit more 'chilled out'.

Have you got a local branch of Mind that you can contact? They may be able to offer advice - some branches have counsellors and day projects that you could talk to (without having to wait for ages). You DO need to take some action.

You could take the kids to school for the afternoon session, or ring someone and ask them to do this for you?

PLEASE do something - just take a little step and do things bit by bit. You could write a list of what you need to do to get the kids to school for the afternoon.

1. Take half a tablet of valium
   
2. Open curtains!
   
3. Get showered. Eat something HEALTHLY - glass of orange juice if nothing else.
   
4. Deal with the kids one at a time.
   
   Think in terms of small achievable goals, even if it is a massive fight to attain them. You could aim to take some exercise today - even just something like hoovering - something that will warm you up and get your circulation moving.
   
   Good luck today. x

[jangly]

If you take your tabs you will probably feel calmer by Monday and be able to take them to school. Their missing one day won't hurt. You're not a bad mummy, but you're not only a mummy - you're you as well and you have to look after yourself.

[morningpaper]

The diazepam should work pretty quickly - if you chew it up you might start to feel calmer in 20 minutes or so.

[eeyore123]

i have just managed to mop the kitchen floor, wash the dishes and get ds2 dressed. The other kids are playing upstairs (still in their PJs ) Curtains still closed. Just don't feel up to facing the world. I feel safer with them closed.

[BROWNY]

Hi Eeeyore,
Read your thread for 1st time and know what you're going thro'. I've had postnatal depression in the past (9 years on and off)and know what a black/numb feeling it is. I was the same as you, I just wanted to sleep all the time and ignore everyone else, but you can't do that when you have little ones, can you? You do need to talk to your doctor again, I had Prozac and an awful lot of support from my family.

When you're feeling a little better (take your tablets, they do help), try and go to a mums and toddler session, you need to get out of the house and get some company! You will eventually feel like your old self - I promise.

[eeyore123]

still not opened my curtains. ds2 is finally asleep. The others are playing. DH wont be home for hours. god i hate being alone.

[spacedonkey]

You have my sympathy eeyore, I know how you feel. What strength are the diazepam tabs? If they're 2mg that will make you feel calm without making you sleepy. If they're stronger, try taking half. Not a long term solution obviously, but they can be a bloody godsend when you reach that "had enough" stage.

[eeyore123]

yes they are 2mg

[spacedonkey]

I'd say take one then eeyore - it'll give your poor head a rest for a few hours. And don't worry too much - not the end of the world if the kids stay in their PJs all day X

[eeyore123]

well I managed to throw myself into my housework. Got a lot done. Am tired now though. Not that there was much point. It will all need doing again tomorrow. At least I feel like I have achieved something. DH is working tomorrow. Another day alone with the kids

[morningpaper]

How's today going, eeyore?

[eeyore123]

awful. just when i think ive got on top of the housework, ds1 decides to flush 4 toilets rolld down the loo and block it and flood the toilet Its one thing after another

[morningpaper]

Can you get out the house for a bit? When did you last get out? What did DH say about not taking the kids to school? You need some fresh air and exercise. Can you walk to the park - might need wellies! Take a ball, take a valium, splash around. Did you talk to DH at all, did he realise how you are feeling?

[eeyore123]

dh was fine about me not taking the kids to school. He said the break would do them and me good. I took the dog for a walk last night. Took a lot of time to gear myself up to it though. Just trying to get ds2 to sleep for a bit (wont sleep in the pram) He is teething and it's draining.

[morningpaper]

Glad that DH was supportive and you got out for a dog-walk. Keeping active is SOOO important. You sound like you are managing things better than you think. I'm thinking of you. xxx