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My mother threatened suicide , but not for the 1st time !

(20 Posts)
bensmum3 Thu 06-Jan-05 19:45:37

Hi,
Not sure i'm doing the right thing putting this on here, but don't feel i can burden any of our small community with this and no really close friends, but my mother phoned on monday and said she wished she was dead , we moved 500 miles away just over 2 years ago and said she could come with us, she gets like this now and again,and was just the same before we moved, but this time it really got to me, I have'nt phoned her back yet,I'm not quite sure how i feel, guilty, cross and sad, thankyou for at least letting me post here , i'm going to go away and think a bit more now.

singsong Thu 06-Jan-05 19:51:20

Do you have any relatives that still live close to her that you could contact?

cupcakes Thu 06-Jan-05 19:53:51

I do have some experience of this with a close family member who has attempted suicide twice. All I can say is if they are talking about it they are probably less likely to do it - or so I have decided from our experience. Talking about it really is a cry for help.
I have been through all the emotions you have listed - I have especially felt angry with them.
It is hard to know what they want from you - but you are probably not the best person to help them through this. She needs to see a doctor. If you can't persuade her to go speak to yours or your health visitor. If she is depressed it is an illness and she will need help from a doctor or counsellor.

bensmum3 Thu 06-Jan-05 19:54:41

yes, my broher still lives close by and was supposed to be visiting on monday evening, i cant call him as he's staying wih various friends until his house sale goes through, but i guess as he's not called me she's ok physically.

cupcakes Thu 06-Jan-05 20:11:03

Is your mother alone?

jmg1 Thu 06-Jan-05 20:21:59

My sister often talked of suicide and tried many times in the 90's.

My partner swore on our kids lives (whom she loved dearly) that she would not commit suicide and did so 3 days later in 2002.

My sister killed herself 7 weeks after my dp.

So as far as I am concerned whether someone talks of suicide or not does not mean they will or won't do it.

If someone is talking about it they are clearly unhappy and need some help.

Tissy Thu 06-Jan-05 20:25:51

did she just say she wished she was dead, or did she say she was going to kill herself?

When I was going through a rough patch a few years ago, I often wished I was dead, and would fantasize about the best way to go about it, but never had the guts to "follow through". Has your Mum been more specific?

Yurtgirl Thu 06-Jan-05 21:20:04

Message withdrawn

jmg1 Thu 06-Jan-05 21:28:09

bensmum3,
Would you still ask your Mother if she wants to come and live where you are?

ellimum Thu 06-Jan-05 21:33:21

(((((((((hugs)))))))))) bensmum3

I hope things turn out alright.

moondog Thu 06-Jan-05 21:48:16

God jmg1. That is so unimaginably awful.
Thinking of you........

jmg1 Thu 06-Jan-05 21:51:05

thanks moondog, its all a proper nightmare + my Mother died of cancer 9 weeks after my sister died. I have 3 adorable kids who are now 3, 4 and 5 and I am 'trying' to keep it together for them.

moondog Thu 06-Jan-05 21:59:17

God, can't say anything else that won't sound unspeakably trite....
You do seem to be getting a lot of attention here though. I am following your dating thread with interst-tried to look at your picture but couldn't acces it.
Much much love to your brood. I'm sure that you are a fabulous dad. I like the sound of you!!
XXXX

bensmum3 Fri 07-Jan-05 09:11:55

I agree with moondog, hugs to you all.
Yes my mum is on her own, dad died 8 yrs ago.She has had depression ever since, but her gp doesnt seem to be able to help. It was a very hard decision to move, but she was the same when we lived close by, the other times she said she might as well end it, were when we lived down there.And yes , i still say to her she would be very welcome to come and live with us.I think i should ring her today as im a bit calmer now.

moondog Fri 07-Jan-05 10:17:01

Bensmum, why is she feeling so low?
Is there anything practical that you can do to help her?
Do you have brothers and sisters to share the load?
I know that it is not AT ALL comparable, but I have a friend who has been depressed in the 11 years I have known her. I have tried everything-advice,interfering,practical solutions,irritation even, but have come to the conclusion that all I can offer her is a sympathetic non-judgemental ear and that actually that may be the best thing for her
Wondering what sort of lifestyle your mum has-working, retired,involved in the community?
Would more contact with others help?
Sorry, this sounds so feeble I know.

bensmum3 Fri 07-Jan-05 10:29:30

Hi Moondog, thankyou for your replies. Mum relied on dad for nearly everything, she did have friends, but tends to put on them and moan, and over the years they've drifted away !
she doesnt work and constantly moans about not seeing anyone, ( when i used to visit she would have a list of jobs she needed doing, shopping etc) I have tried all the things you mention, she won't join a club or group, shes only 59, but doesnt want to help herself, she said on monday the only thing she wants is her family.

moondog Fri 07-Jan-05 10:37:16

Have you phoned her today?
Would you still be happy for her to come and live with you? Would dh?
Is there any partic. thing or activity that you know would cheer her up?
I think being depressed is like being stuck waist high in mud. You can't do anything, yet perversely the less you do, the more depressed you feel.
Would a stay with you of a few months help? Are there things she could help you with (eg the kids and housework0 that would make her feel more useful and perhaps shift her up a gear?

bensmum3 Fri 07-Jan-05 19:30:50

Hi, we phoned this afternoon, dd (10) and ds (18 months) spoke as well, she didnt mention any of the words that started this thread, I really don't think she will ever do anything to make her life better unless we or my brother go back and live our lives for her, I'm just feeling as though i'm really selfish.

moondog Fri 07-Jan-05 20:42:51

Well, you can't do that can you, unless you want to wreck your own lives too! That is the stuff of Victorian melodrama (no family attended either of my granparents' weddings as they too wanted their children to sacrifice their lives to their parents.)
All you can do is be resolutely cheery and upbeat and listen to her anxieties without feeling that you have to offer solutions.
We all have to do things our own way, others can support but not take over.
Gosh, feel bad for you. Obviously you can't ever really put it to the back of your mind can you?
Has she been alone long? How recently did your father die? Any chance that these feelings will pass?

bensmum3 Sat 08-Jan-05 08:41:44

Thanks moondog, she's been alone for 8 years now,and it hasnt got any better, I'll take your advice and try and stay cheery for her!

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