Why do I feel so grumpy all the time?

[oneplusone]

I really don't think I'm depressed as I don't feel down as such, I just feel like I'm in a grump/bad mood ALL or most of the time.

I have a lot to be thankful for, great DC's who i love to bits, DH (he can be great at times but also not at all great fairly often), no money worries at the moment.

But I just never seem to feel happy or really appreciate what I've got. I am bored a lot of the time (have started loads of other threads about this) and am going to look into doing a part time/OU course to give me something interesting to do. I haven't got many friends , seem to have lost touch with most of them over the years since having DC's.

Have also got major issues with my parents (abusive childhood- no longer see parents) and sisters but am seeing a counsellor about this.

Also have a chronic long term health issue that gets me down a lot and perhaps that is the cause of my grumpiness; I'm so used to it now but I guess it's always there niggling away at me and stops me from doing things that I would otherwise.

DH keeps telling me that I'm a 'glass half empty' person as opposed to a 'glass half full' person and although I hate to admit it I think he's right. But I haven't always been this way, I used to be a happy, cheerful,optimistic person but I seem to have turned into a miserable old bag over the years! But I don't know why.

Or perhaps I do know why but I just don't want to admit it as i know I'll be hated for it. I feel sometimes that i made a big mistake in getting married and having kids. I think i am a loner at heart, and I really love and need my own space and freedom to do what i want when i want. I guess getting married and having kids has severely restricted my freedom and a lot of time, if not all the time, I feel trapped and suffocated and worn down with the constant demands made on me by the DC's and DH. I feel like running away from them all and sometimes feel like the DC's would be better off without me as they deserve a proper mummy who appreciates and enjoys them far more than I seem to do.

I even had a holiday earlier in the yearl, just for a week, with some friends but without DH and DC's and I LOVED it and didn't miss them at all. I absolutely loved the fact that my time was my own and I could do what I wanted when i wanted without interruption. I could have easily stayed away for a month (although perhaps I would have started to miss DH and the DC's after this long).

I feel awful and ungrateful and miserable for feeling like this but it's the truth and I think there's no point in denying it to myself any longer. At least facing up to it and admitting it may be the first step in doing something about it.

Well, I feel better for getting all this off my chest. A little less grumpy anyway

[chinchi]

I could have written alot of that thread for you

I too find myself wondering what life would be like if I hadnt married and had DS- I crave independence so much, I want to be somebody else other than DS's Mum.

Im not sure what I should write really, as Im looking for similar advice myself, but just wanted to say youre def not on your own.

If you get any wise words of wisdom please pass them my way

[oneplusone]

hi chinchi, looks like it might just be us two then!

How old are your DC's? Mine are 4.5 and 2 so I do wonder if it's an age thing. Perhaps when they are older and at full time school I won't feel so bad as at least I will have some time to myself every day.

I feel like i'm constantly working out when DS will be at nursery/school and not appreciating the time i have with him right now.

I hope someone will be along soon with some words of wisdom.

[Wisteria]

snap

I hope counselling will help, bring the other issues in to it if you can.

Understanding why you feel this way is the key I think.........and IME an abusive childhood never helps.

[chinchi]

DS is 7 months on Thursday. I wouldnt feel as bad of DH's family were around but they live abroad as DH is foreign, and Ive lost both of my parents, most recently my Mum 4 months ago.

I jus find myself stuck in a rut trying to entertain DS, yet wanting him to lay playing on his mat, but at the same time worrying about his development (born 10 weeks prem).

Come his bed time Im too shattered to want to do anything for myself, and DH works 5 evenings out of 7, so Im fast asleep by the time he comes home!

Once again sorry Im ranting and not really helping, but I know how you feel if you ever want to rant away

[oneplusone]

chinchi, i know how you feel. When i had DD it was a complete shock to the system and it honestly took me two years to adjust to the change in lifestyle from working to full time to full time SAHM.

I remember a point when i was actually enjoying being a SAHM, think it was soon after DS was born and maybe lasted for about a year or so. I've found it harder I suppose since DS got mobile and just needed to do more.

I find having to wait til i can do what i want very hard. eg I take DS out most mornings to playgroup/park etc to tire him out so he naps well in the afternoon. He usually naps from 1 til 3 so sometimes i spend all morning just waiting til 1pm so i can read/write/make a phone call as if he's about i usually get about 30 seconds until he comes along and demands my attention.

I have found I also hate the weekends. I hate the lack of routine and that both kids are home all day. It's strange after years and years of always looking forward to the weekend when i was working. We have no family nearby (well i don't see mine anyway) and taking friends is taking time as we have only recently moved to the area.

Chinchi, do you go to baby groups etc? Not that they are the answer, it's very very hard to make friends I have found. The best way seems to be to have made friends before having your baby at NCT classes but we've moved around 5 times since I had DD so that wouldn't have helped me anyway.

Gosh, I am a moaning minnie today aren't I

[chinchi]

You moan away! Its refreshing (for me anyway!) to listen to someone in the same boat!

I started a thread earlier today about how Ive been feeling- one of my main problems is not being able to get motivated, so unfortunately I havnt been able to drag my ass to any baby groups .

The first time I heard about them, I was really up for going, then Mum passed away and ever since I just havnt had the same enthusiasm about going. Its quite selfish of me really as its more for DS than me! I also find it difficult to make friends, and even though I used to be an outgoing and confident person, I just dont seem to have that spark about me anymore LOL

I totally understand about waiting for DS to nap before you can do things. Thankfully DS is napping well during the day, and DH can get him to doze off in an instant. I almost dread him waking up as Im running out of ways to keep him entertained, and I often feel like its a burden .

Most of my friends from school days have all moved away. I have two friends I can call close, but one being career mad, the other man mad, and neither have an interest in babies other than to ooh and aah!

I want to take up event planning, but all the organisations that offer it charge the earth. I have enrolled on an OU course, but that doesnt start until May. My first course is in Social Sciences and I hope to work towards a degree in International Studies. I just feel that I shouldnt be wasting the 2 months Ive got until the course starts. It almost feels like Im trying to prove myself, but I dont know who to and what for!

[keevamum]

Hi you two I totally understand where you are coming from but feel you both have put quite a negative spin on everything. Obviously if you are feeling quite down then it is very easy to feel quite negative so I honestly do understand and empathise with you...Having similar problems myself but I wondered if this thread could be more supportive...E.G Have you tried this? Why don't we support each other to try one positive thing a day ie go to mother and toddlers and initially smile and make lots of eye contact before introducing yourself etcetera? Sorry if this appears as if I am hijacking the thread, just a thought.

[chinchi]

Thanks keevamum- its good to have other input!

Yes you are right, this thread could be turned more positive and supportive, and I think you might just be the knight in shining armour to make it happen

Pull up a seat and pour yourself a drink! We could be here for a while, but we might as well enjoy it!

[keevamum]

Hi Just put DD2 to bed....so I have pulled up my chair and poured myself a nice glass of wine.....I have been where you both are and I have my moments of feeling pretty low but at the moment I am really trying to drag myself out of my pit and do some more positive things to try to change my situation...obviously we can't change the fact we have kids (nor would I want to) but we can change the way we feel about things...Also am pretty sure if we managed to set one positive thing in motion e.g made 1 new mum friend that would help a great deal. What do you think?

[keevamum]

By the way oneplusone my PND initially manifested itself by being really angry with everything....just because we don't cry doesn't mean we are not depressed.

[fizzbuzz]

This rings bells when my ds was little. When he got to about 4 a lot of the grumpiness disappeared. When he was older I rememeber feeling great all the time. Then he got even older, and I got broody and missed having a little one..............

So I had another and the grumpiness I had forgotten about reappeared!!!! I know just what you mean, it is a combination of wanting space and time to be you, being always on demand/on the go, and never having enough tie to do anything properly. But as I said I found it did go when some semblance ofindependence appears. BUT, then when that happens you miss the cute chubby toddlers. I guess you can't have everything!

I also think your mum's death would be having a big effect, whatever your relationship with her was like. Irritability and lack of motivation are typical symptoms of grief. My mum passed away 2 years ago, and for the first few months I was like a rabbit in the glare of headlight-I just couldn't be bothered to move or do anything.

HTH xxxxx

[fizzbuzz]

, Sorry, worn out by demanding dd . That last bit about grief was aimed at Chinchi (got a bit confused there...)

[chinchi]

Its good to know about those symptoms of grief fizzbuzz- I never realised lack of motivation was part of the grieving process, but it certainly explains alot!

I definately agree with you Keevamum- that one positive thing gradually turns into two and three, and before long (I hope!) that feeling of happiness and determination will return!

What things do you do in your spare time if you dont mind me asking? Id like to take up a hobby/interest which will be something to focus on, something I can call my own and work hard at if you see what I mean?

Hope youre still out there onepulseone- sorry for the hijack again!

[oneplusone]

Hi, just caught up with the recent posts. This might sound weird but in a way I have also been going through a grieving process as I no longer see my parents and although they were never actually there for me when i needed them I do feel a deep sense of loss. I feel very alone at times, like I have nobody i can turn to for advice/comfort and i think that gets to me sometimes. Especially when i have an argument with DH. He thinks i'm just ungrateful, that i should appreciate the fact that i don't have to go to work and if i moan that i'm bored, frustrated and unhappy being at home he thinks it means i don't appreciate what i have.

Perhaps there is an element of truth in what he says, but he has no idea what it's like to be home day after day with 2 young kids, very few friends, trying to while away the time, keep on top of the domestic drudge etc etc. It does really grind you down after a while and I've been doing it for 5 years. His lack of support and understanding makes me feel even worse. I honestly feel like running away.

Sorry, i know we're supposed to be trying to be positive, but i just don't feel in the least bit positive right now. I feel bored, frustrated and like i said in the OP like i made a big mistake going down this wife/kids route. It's just not me. But then i have a horrible feeling that if i hadn't done this and stayed single i would also be deeply unhappy and desperate to be married/have kids.

I am just unhappy inside i think and perhaps it stems from my unhappy childhood. I have recently started seeing a counsellor about this, i would be going on monday but won't because it's a holiday. Maybe i'm feeling down right now because of that, it's been so good to be able to let my feelings out when i see her. I feel like i could talk for hours and hours and hours, i only see her for an hour and it feels like 5 minutes.

I want to an OU course chinchi, in history. I'm a bit scared though, about finding the time to do it and whether my brain is up to it! Plus i don't think i could do any exams, i don't even want a qualification, i just want to learn about history cos i love it and find it fascinating.

[kiera]

hi, can I join you, so much of what you have all been saying has been very much my experience also. sahm to ds1 4 1/2 and ds2 1 1/2, really finding the lack of freedom hard, it was better for a while once ds1 started school but now ds2 has got to that demanding phase again won't just play happily with toys and finding it v tiring and feeling guilty at being so ungrateful to be at home with him. adore my kids, great dh, frustrated at myself for not just being content and happy. keep meaning to compose a mumsnet post on this but never got round to it indeed unsure how to put it into words, but you have now done this for me! thank you. at least we are not all alone. keep seeing counsellors and I feel better for a while but eventually that heavy feeling reappears. am hoping that whilst not wanting to wish their little lives away at all, that I will feel better once ds2 is older, this in fact is the reason we won't try for a third as need to move on as a family and not have to go through the baby phase again lovely though it is.

[kiera]

i have been looking into studying also in fact went to a taster day for counselling course but could not handle it, the group therapy freaked me out, all that sharing of inner thoughts with so many others, too vulnerable for me, have done that in the past in very negative critical group and writing this I have just realised that it why it freaked me out!!!

[kiera]

also the academic side - brain no longer functioning!

[Janni]

I think it's great that you had a holiday away and didn't miss them - it doesn't say anything bad about you at all. Maybe you're one of those mums who really struggles when the DC are little, but will come into their own when they're a fair bit older and need you more as a companion than a mummy. You're very honest in your post. All of us feel bored and stifled at times, to a greater or lesser extent. I would certainly be on the lookout for fulfilling things you could fit in around your family commitments. I would also be looking into whether more childcare, of whatever variety that suits you, would help you get some breathing space and feel like a real adult again.

Good luck xx

[keevamum]

have you heard of Sure start,one plusone? They can offer you a couple of hours a week where a volunteer comes round and looks after little ones while you could have some very valuable me time? I really think this might help....made me feel a bit more positive when dds were very little and demanding.

[chinchi]

I have had my OU course funded, and although Im not really sure what I want to do at the end of it all, Im just happy that Ill be doing something for me, something I can use to take my mind off the usual routine at home.

It doesnt only have to be an academic route you branch out on. I used to make jewellery in my spare time when I lived abroad. I really got into it and it made my day when the owner of a silver shop came and told me how great my creations were.

Unfortunately I dont have the same interest in it like I used to, but Im trying hard to see if I have an interest in something else.

I really understand about you and not having your family around. I wish time and again for Mum to be here, so that we can enjoy time together, but as selfish as it may sound, for me to be able to hand DS over once in a while!

[Thecure]

1. Stop giving yourself a hard time
2. Know that you have the power to make yourself feel better (you think your own thoughts)
3. You are fundamentally a cheerful, happy person - - remember that woman by doing some of the things you used to (put on an old fave song and dance, say).
4. Reclaim some of your own life - - doesn't have to be a massive course. Maybe read more when child is asleep (or to the child).
5. Can someone explain what the Ds before everything mean? Is this Darling Husband and etc? (Confused!)
6. I don't have a husband or a kid but think both would be just peachy so remember there are many of us who'd like to be you!
7. Feel better honey.

[Thecure]

8.p.s. I also had an abusive mother (alcoholic) & spent many years ill myself (eating dis's) so understand about depression... and never want to go back there again. Don't want other women to be there either.

[chinchi]

Sorry to hear about your Mum Thecure. My dad was an alcoholic and I resented the way he treat my Mum. My Mum and I spent 6 years together after he died, before my Mum passed away, and Ive never seen her so happy. She was like a new woman.

You have given some very positive things to think about.

DS is darling son, DH is darling husband

Oneplusone- if you dont feel up to an intense OU course with deadlines etc, try another home learning provider. I studied travel and tourism when I was living abroad, and I took it all at my own pace. It was a time when I was very much dependent on DH, living in his country, but studying helped me to make the most of my ambitions and potential.

Hope you feel abit better today. Happy Easter

[oneplusone]

Hi, thanks for your responses. DD and I had a nice day today, we went to Kew Gardens even though it was freezing and had fun 'exploring' in the palm house! It was lovely to spend a day alone with DD and was so different to when DS is also around. He is such a handful, I have to watch him all the time; it must make me very tense as today I was totally relaxed and didn't have even one cross moment with DD. I am going to make a point of spending a day out with her regularly, it really made me appreciate her a whole lot more.

I am going to call the OU people on Tuesday and ask about the course I'm interested in, if it seems too intense I'll go for one of the less demanding ones.

chinchi and thecure, I know about abusive parents, my dad I think has some sort of mental illness/personality disorder and was abusive pretty much all my life. My mum was a coward and buried her head in the sand and never stood up for me. I feel like I've been alone from around the age of 10 with neither parent ever really there for me. I've only really faced up to all this in the last 18 months or so and I'm sure it is having an effect on my mood. I hope given time I will find it easier to deal with.

I feel more positive today, I think just getting out of the house and a change of scene was what i needed and we did something I enjoyed as well, not just child focussed.

Thecure, what you said about reclaiming some of my own life is exactly what i need to do. Before kids I used to love, amongst other things, art galleries and museums but haven't been to one for years. I'm going to start going again with DD and leave DS home with DH. I suppose I've always thought we should all go as a family but I think DS is far better off at home with DH.

I have to say i am surprised every time i start a thread about a 'taboo' subject, how many people respond saying they feel the same way. I guess it is a taboo to say you are bored and unfulfilled living a life of so called 'domestic bliss' and I'm so glad that we have MN so we can talk about how we feel unlike previous generations who probably had to suffer in silence.

[chinchi]

Im so glad you enjoyed your day out- sounds like it was just what you needed, and at least you could relax and focus on your DD. I agree that its a good idea to leave your DS home with DH, especially if you feel refreshed and relaxed after having time on your own.

Part of me always felt embarrased to talk to DH about my Dad. It didnt feel right that everyone else seemed to have a 'normal' family, yet I hated most of my childhood, and I struggle to remember any good times I had with my Dad.

Its even haunting me to the point that one of my first worries when Mum passed away that wherever they were, if they were together again, I didnt want him to hurt her

Theres nothing wrong with wanting to venture out and enjoy the things you do by yourself. I always remember reading that its good to have some things to keep to yourself, and certainly your love for museums and art galleries doesnt need to be shared if you dont want it to! Youd probably appreciate it more on your own rather than with other people who just might not understand your interest!