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Bipolar or depression?

(20 Posts)
PurpleOne Sun 13-Jan-08 16:34:45

Hi all.

This may be a long post but I'll try and keep it as short as possible!

Throughout my life I've battled with drugs, booze and depression. Then the PND packed a punch both times when the DD's were born.
All of my fathers side has issues with depression, my grandmother (last time I saw her) was very delusional convinced she could see bad spirits etc.

I don't handle stress at all. I walk away, become insular, cry my eyes out and fall into very big vats of alcohol. I've been taking Citalopram for what seems like years. Have also tried Seroxat, Efexor and Lofepramine...none of them work. The black hole always seems to be there.
My parents disowned me last August, not even a phone call or an Xmas card.
Now my best mate of 21 years has had enough of me too. Said she can't cope with my selfishness anymore.

I can't seem to get in control of my spending. How is it that I have a £500 Gas bill and over £3,000 worth of credit card debts...yet I can go out and soend £50 on gym equipment? I spent £600 last year to fly out to LA to visit a good bloke friend to puruse a shagfest, when in reality, he'll never be mine. I only have a cleaning job and a small amount of benefits, yet I borrowed more money to go see him.

I am divorced also. I instigated proceedings 7 years ago because I was 'bored'. ExH was sick and tired of my mood swings. The one time he told me he nevr forogt was when I was in my blackness and was ranting at him and ended up throwing a knife across the room at him and very nearly got dd1 (who was 4 months old)

I've been to the GP many many times. The last time I saw him was last April, right at the bottom of my pit, told him I was suicidal (not the first time I tried it), mentioned to him I thought it could be bipolar. He just shrugged me off, gave me a script for more Citalopram and told me to come back in a month. Hang on doc, I thought I just told you I wanted to kill myself? I took those damn pills home, unpopped every single pill from a 28 day box and sat there with them all in my hands, just crying my eyes out.
I try not to take the Citalopram anymore, I try and make do with St Johns Wort, rescue remedy and lots of vitamins.
When I feel okay I have all these ideas for self improvement but I never follow them through. Been meaning to join the OU / college for 2 years but have never bothered. Spend shedloads of money on things that take my fancy at the time like this fandangled exercise regime I have doubt they'll be gathering dust by the summer as usual.

I'm not sure what I want people to say, but it feels good just to get it all out. My doc keeps saying I'm depressed, but I know myself and feel there's more to it just just depression.

Thanks for reading x

Fireflyfairy2 Sun 13-Jan-08 16:41:42

Unipolar (depression) & bipolar(depression & manic highs) can quite often be mixed up. Bipolar sufferers can often be diagnosed as unipolar if they aren't tracked over a period of time. Has the doctor ever asked you about your family history?

When you say your gran was delusional & could see bad spirits, did she get any help? Do you know if there is a history of schizophrenia in you family? If so, I would look deeper into this as if there is a schizophrenia gene in your family there is a % chance that you can have it.

Sorry for rambling, just look beyond bipolar, it really is rare, though these days there are more people being diagnosed with it than ever before, this may be due to an increase of knowledge where bipolar is concerned or may be due to the fact that doctors (and patients also I suppose) are keen to stick labels on people.

Good Luck x

NAB3wishesfor2008 Sun 13-Jan-08 16:42:40

Bi polar is when you have up times as well as down so I don't think you have that. I think you are seriously depressed and you need to go back and see a different Doctor who will listen to you and give you the help you need.

You need to cut up your credit cards and get advice from the CAB about paying off your debts.

You need to list all the things that are making your life harder than it needs to be and see what you can change.

If you want your family and frienmd back in your life, write to them apologising for anything you need to say sorry for and try and explain how the illness makes you feel/act. Point out if you had flu they wouldn't disown you so you would like treating the same. Depression is an illness.

Cut off all ties with the bloke-friend-lover. No good for you.

Exercise is good when depressed so do 10 minutes a day and build up to longer.

Sorry for being bossy.

I hope you get the help you need.

coby Sun 13-Jan-08 16:53:14

Have you asked your GP why (s)he has not referred you for counselling CBT or some other therapy if the ADs are not helping?

Thats really the only way you are going to get diagnosed with what is actually wrong. Many people have bipolar like tendancies but are not bipolar - it's all nasty stuff to go through regardless.

PurpleOne Sun 13-Jan-08 18:06:04

Firefly--I don't think anyone in the family has schizophrenia. AFAIK. I don't hear voices or get paranoid about things either. My cousin had autism and my dad has had depression and could get really angry in a matter of seconds. I don't want a label, I just want to know what's wrong.

Coby--I had a CPN back in 2002, owing to a DV relationship and an attempted suicide. The CPN did mention briefly about something called Bipolar II, but as exp started seeing her too and my relationship broke down...I fled 250 miles to get away and the care from GP's hasn't continued.

NAB--I already tried writing parents a letter, they still never responded. And I refuse point blank to apologise for simply asking my mother not to smoke in my house.
There is no credit cards to cut up lol, they're all in 'default' anyway!
I understand what you mean about the bloke / friend. Can't let him go as we both love each other to bits.(he's also schizophrenic). I had a mad idea and went out and bought a wedding ring. Why? I don't know.

Just want to 'feel' normal again, whatever that is.

dividedselfridgesxmaswindow Sun 13-Jan-08 18:09:10

wow I do at least 60 percent of all those things. I have no idea but my closest guess is bipolar too...

dividedselfridgesxmaswindow Sun 13-Jan-08 18:11:55

I think that the up times are the mad manic times when you spend and feel good and exercise and make plans...

I am also wondering whether this is n issue of control. In or out of it it's about control. Whaddya fink?

PurpleOne Mon 14-Jan-08 00:07:20


Yes it's about control.

Being able to control my thoughts, my emotions and fears.
Being able to control my life without the 'black cloud' controlling me.

When I feel good, I feel great, ready to tackle the world, do battle with the debtors, exercise, spend too much.
When I'm down I'm at rock bottom.

Was in the bath earlier and alone with my thoughts for a while and realised I've been on anti d's since I was 21 on and off. I'm now 34 and still no further in battling this evil little thing that hovers over me.

I hate criticisms of any kind, and find myself really over sensitive. What could be construed as a joke is taken completely the opposite by me, depending on my mindset and mood at the time. Does anyone else have a problem like that?

slim22 Mon 14-Jan-08 01:29:28

Think you need to tell all this to a counsellor.
GP and medication alone will only keep you in limbo if it's not helped you get yourself together after years.

See your GP now and insist on therapy. You've already done a great job figuring it out for yourself. You now need proper guidance as to how to deal with these issues.
Therapy will give you tools/techniques to handle mood swings, identify triggers and change patterns of behavior.

Hang on there, you should be proud of yourself for not just burying your head in the sand. You just need to go one little step further and you sound just ripe for that.

Take care

dividedselfridgesxmaswindow Mon 14-Jan-08 14:03:48

I'm currently ruining a perfectly good relationship because I'm in the black cloud part - taking everything the wrong way, magnifying details and being terribly insecure and out of control of myself.

I have CBT but it hasn't really worked because for as much as I hate how I am, it works up to a point and the good times come round every time and I forget about the bad side until next time and so on...

Ultimately though I'd like to be level without all the freakery.

I have no advice or remedy and can really only sympathise a bit. Am very self aware and this just makes it worse tbh.

slim22 Mon 14-Jan-08 21:25:21

Divided are you diagnosed bipolar?
If yes are you taking your treatment?
From my understanding (my best friend) stopping treatment is sure route to major relapse. Maybe dose needs to be adjusted?

PurpleOne Mon 14-Jan-08 23:17:28

Divided, yuo sound just like me.

I've ruined so many good things. (relationships, opportunities, chances) As soon as I touch them all for self improvement, achievment and progress and to enhance my life, I ALWAYS seem to fuck it all up.
Ever heard of the Midas Touch? Hell yeah that's me all over, except nothing turns to gold.....

Freakery, hell yeah! I hate it.

My exH told me tonight that I looked like the size of a house and have a fat I KNOW I'm going to sit on all that and brood for days about it. Most normal people seem to shrug it all off, but I cannot. I take it all literally, mill it around in my head, get upset, get angry and think f* the lot of em etc etc.

If you are diagnosed please get yourself back to the docs...your meds may need just a little tweaking here and there. Do you have a CPN? I want to be honest and pour it all out to a professional who will listen, but my GP isn't taking me seriously!

Good luck hun x

DarthVader Tue 05-Feb-08 19:07:13

I recommend this book "Why Am I Still Depressed? Recognizing and Managing the Ups and Downs of Bipolar II and Soft Bipolar Disorder"

You sound bipolar to are you doing?

PurpleOne Tue 23-Jun-09 18:54:13

Had to ressurect this again, whilst doing a MN search on the subject.

Finally got my DX today and I was right all along. All these wasted months of the gp not listening.
It took me to have an alcohol problem, social services, mounting debts and just total chaos around finally have a referral to an alcohol/drugs psychiatrist who DX'ed me today.
I need a more indepth assesment once I manage to reduce my alcohol intake some more and to find out what kind of bipolar I actually have, and to sort out the mood stabilisers also.

I just keep thinking that if the gp had listened the very first time I mentioned it to him when I first posted this, all this madness would never have happened.
OTOH, I am so relieved!

PurpleOne Wed 24-Jun-09 01:54:31

Anyone? Or should I start a new thread and type all this out again! LOL

thirtypence Wed 24-Jun-09 04:23:42

Well done for pursuing this.

DisturbinglySexuallyInactive Thu 25-Jun-09 00:40:45

hi there

interesting thread! I didn't notice the dates but was thinking 'sounds bipolar to me' - mania, as you probably know by now, and even hypomania do not have to equal euphoria, it can feel bad to be manic - this is where the term dysphoric mania probably comes from!

anyway have been diagnosed for nearly a decade and stay pretty well - am a huge fan of MDF the bipolar organisation, although their message boards seem deathly dull these days there are some interesting and helpful people on there, it's worth checking out if they have a self-help group within reasonable reach as these can be invaluable sources of information and support, and I cannot speak highly enough of the self-management courses. I wonder if I would be alive today if not for everything I learned from those, well I might be alive but am sure I would have spent a lot more time in hospital!

good luck with it all

windswept Wed 01-Jul-09 13:02:49

Hi purpleone glad to hear you finally seem to be getting right treatment after all this time. I wish the same could be said for me. suffering from really bad depression. Fortunately my job enables me to go the priory I last went 8 years ago and made a full recovery. I have put off going back for so long as I feel it is a sign that I am weak and cannot cope. But I am at home today with all the curtains drawn and the phones off, so i have got an appointment on saturday. feeling like i am really letting myself down by admitting defeat again. can anyone help with any positive feedback. this is the first couple of times i have used this site only joined yesterday .

othermother Sat 11-Jul-09 23:57:02

bipolar bipolar bipolar... yup. tis shit.

badmammajamma Wed 15-Jul-09 20:48:47

I didnt think you sounded Bipolar to start, just that you maybe used retail therapy to battle your lows- but then you said about bying the wedding ring...
I grew up with a manic depressive father and the ring thing- thats just the sort of warning signal I instinctively recognise.
Please go and see a doctor or even 10 doctors, until they take you seriously

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