Personality disorder? Autistic? At a loss!

[Noideawhatnametotype]

Hello , hoping for a bit of advice or at least someone who may understand. Since childhood I've always felt odd. Like an outsider to everyone else, a square peg in a round hole if you like. I'm outgoing and chatty, friendly and helpful. Make friends easily on a superficial level but cannot sustain long term friendships and put barriers up when friends try to get too close and after a while of being friends their ways irritate me and I'll find fault and want to abruptly end the friendship as soon as I become intolerant. I tend to see things in black /white and to me there is never a grey area. I don't get banter, hate being laughed at or joked about (even if it's meant in a nice way). I have to have firm plans for the day and don't like spontaneity or surprises. Can't stand people disrupting my plans. Cannot abide being told what to do, will become bitterly non complaint against anyone trying to force me to do what they want me to do. I also hate being told 'no' and if I want to do something I'll become annoyed if anyone tries to prevent me. For example, if I want to go to Tesco tonight at 6, come hell or high water I'm going!! That type of thing Saying that, in some ways I'm very compliant and always abide by the law and have never been in any trouble at all.
Emotionally unstable at times, have been know to laugh at really inappropriate moments although there is absolutely no malice in me at all and I'd hate to offend. Just feel like I can't get anything right and I'm sick of feeling weird. Certain noises/phrases and words really get on my nerves too. I'm a complete animal lover and donate loads to charity so have a kind heart but do find life a struggle at times!!!!

I have some Aspergers traits but not all of them.
Anyone relate? Feel so alone and desolate!
Thank you

[DeepThinkingGirl]

How was your childhood like ?

[Noideawhatnametotype]

Hello @DeepThinkingGirl , my childhood was fine for the most part. I remember having low self esteem and was bullied in secondary school and painfully shy at times. Even then I sensed I was different and in turn I think others sensed it and then ostracised me. I always felt an outcast.

[Noideawhatnametotype]

We have some family members with some definite personality disorders, MH problems and are possibly on the spectrum although it's hard to describe

[AIMD]

Holy cow a lot of that sounds like me, especially the bit about friendships and people irritating you.

I’ve always wondered if I was maybe on the spectrum but also wondered if I struggled because of being brought up by parents who aren’t particularly socially aware. In the end I just try to accept I am how I am and, apart from anxiety that eases and worsens, I manage life fine so I haven’t thought about it too much.

As an adult you can go and ask for an assessment if you feel that would be useful to you. I have a friend with some similar ways who has been diagnosed aspergers as an adult.

To me it doesn’t particularly sound line personality disorder. What makes you considered personality disorder.

[Noideawhatnametotype]

Hi @AIMD I thought perhaps personality disorder as I find it hard to relate to people at times and to sustain friendships

[Noideawhatnametotype]

Anxiety is also a big factor in certain situations. Just the general feeling of being odd, for want of a better word

[parrotonmyshoulder]

I’ve just read a book called ‘Scattered Minds’ by Gabor Maté as I suspect, strongly, I have ADHD. Have a read. Your issues sound similar to mine.

[AIMD]

@Noideawhatnametotype

Anxiety is also a big factor in certain situations. Just the general feeling of being odd, for want of a better word

Yes I get that too.
I’ve asked others though and they tell me that they don’t perceive me as being odd. Similar to you though I have lots of surface friendships but struggle to make deeper more meaningful relationships.

[BLTLover]

You sound like me. I'm hard work

[colouringindoors]

You sound very, very similar to my dd, she has a high functioning autism diagnosis. Black and white thinking, change v stressful, inappropriate emotiinal reactions to stuff eg laughing, not malicious, partly anxiety based.

Difficulty with relationships, emotions, empathy can also be a feature of autism in girls. Feeling very different from the crowd also v common.

Google autism in girls....

[annabellacomestotea]

I relate to a lot of what you've said. It could be that you are on the spectrum. Some of it sounds like bpd. But equally it can just be being human. I don't think anyone really feels like they 'fit', to some degree we are all pretending. Even people who seem like they have it all can be acting and putting on a show. I think we all have our inner world of fear, doubt and inadequacy and in the dark of night we think, 'what's wrong withme?' Does anyone really feel 'normal?' What is 'normal' but a performance?

[annabellacomestotea]

I also have GAD and PMDD so my prickliness with people is largely hormonal, or perhaps the hormones exaggerate whatever is 'wrong' with me.

[Noideawhatnametotype]

Thank you for all replies. I will have a look at the book@parrotonmyshoulder thank you. Prickly is exactly how I can be with people,yes. If people do me wrong I can hold a grudge for evermore. I never do anything outright nasty as it's not in my nature, I will just withdraw from people. I struggle with empathy too, but then again I hate to see people suffer and will be the first on the scene when someone is in a crisis to help them out. I'm very complex !!

[Noideawhatnametotype]

Also interesting about performance @annabellacomestotea. I often feel like I'm acting although I always try to be my genuine self. Its just this feeling of belonging nowhere

[annabellacomestotea]

@Noideawhatnametotype are you close withfamily? What are your friendships like? Do you have hobbies/interests? You may just not have found your tribe. I want to stress, you may have a personality disorder or mental health condition, but equally you may just not have found your people and that's quite common in this day and age, or you may be highly sensitive or introverted and need a lot of time to recharge. I have quite a short bandwidth with people. I love being around the people I love, but only for so long, or I become cranky and tired. Socialising is work for me, as much as it's good for me and as much as I can enjoy it.

[Lotusmonster]

The withdrawing thing and disassociation from strong emotional stress or stimulation can be a feature of BPD.