I am desperate to get well but I've never known any different

[labellelaide]

Hi I'm not sure what I want to get out of posting here as such, maybe suggestions or to hear from people who've recovered.

The diagnosis I have is PTSD / CPTSD. I experienced a horrific trauma when I was a pre teen, to say what happened would be too outing, and then suffered long term sexual abuse after from a family member I had to live with after the 'main' trauma.

When I was younger I fitted some BPD traits like self harm, spending, impulsivity, suicidal, but not for a good few years now.

My actual PTSD symptoms are worse now than back then, maybe because I'm not 'acting out'.

I run the full gamut - depression, anxiety, low motivation, social anxiety, flashbacks, don't like noise, dissociation, trouble sleeping, low self esteem, panic attacks, I drink too much. I've had a complete breakdown where I should've been hospitalised tbh but my family helped look after the DC and I came out the other end within months. It must have been scary for them. My brain won't switch off from negative thoughts and fears and ruminating most of the day every day no matter how hard I try. I have two beautiful and wonderful children and I spend a lot of time absolutely terrified something might happen to them. It's not fair on them either.

I try. I'm on antidepressants long term and they do help reduce the panic attacks which I'm really grateful for but not much else. I've been in psychotherapy for 9 years (yes 9!!).

I really want to be 'normal' and find myself envying those who are - I don't mean any offence in the term normal.

At the moment I cannot work due to it and I worry about the future financially. I have worked and I really want to, but the PTSD has me leaving each job I've tried to stick out. I had a long relationship with someone toxic who still causes me issues and I couldn't even fathom having a relationship now, I've too many issues. I'm lonely. I have a couple of family members and one friend, I can count on them, but they are all busy with their own lives and families. I long for people to talk to just in general. I miss working.

I apologise, this has turned into a long post.

I've never known any other way of feeling than PTSD, and I'm getting frustrated and so want it gone. I thought by my age I'd be better.

[Aquamarine1029]

I'm so sorry for everything you're going through, op. Have you considered hypnotherapy?

[User258544]

FWIW I think feeling frustrated is a normal healthy reaction, it's taking that feeling and putting it into something positive that will make a small difference even if its just going for a walk. It sounds like you have come through a lot

[justicedanceson]

I’m sorry OP. You sound like you are actually doing really well from the outside. I work with women in with similar history. It’s a huge accomplishment to still have custody of your children, to maintain a therapeutic relationship, to be in relationship with friends or family, to be able to reflect on your life. I know that sounds patronising and crap but given the things that have happened to you, you are actually daily achieving a lot.

Have you heard of EDMR? Might be worth asking to be referred as it can be really effective for PTSD. www.tewv.nhs.uk/services/what-is-eye-movement-desensitisation-reprocessing-emdr/

[Namechangedforthisoct2]

I had PTSD most likely from childhood but definitely from aged 18 until 36/37 yrs old. I’m now 40 so only been free of it for a few years.

I totally hear you as I didn’t know who I was without it. Part of my healing has been creating a new identity and one I wanted.

You can do this

[labellelaide]

Thank you so much, I appreciate the kind words and ideas.

I will look into if I can afford hypnotherapy or EMDR. I'd try anything at this point.