Still feeling so tearful

[Ingvermama]

So this relates to a recent thread about transference not started by me. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety, I went to the GP and was prescribed sertraline and advised to self refer for IAPT. The sertraline has done some good, I'm lots less anxious. I still feel quite depressed and I have been self harming. The CBT I had from IAPT was really helpful, I learned how deal with the self harm urges and all the difficult emotions I feel around that. And I was doing quite well, but then I needed to be referred for counselling with a different therapist as the CBT therapist wasn't able to do this. I felt so sad about not talking to the CBT therapist, I had really trusted her and told her some things I have never said aloud before. So I just feel devastated I won't speak to her again, I cry so much about this. I don't know what to do, as I think I've got a bit stuck. M thinking of talking to the counsellor about it. Just want to hear what other people think, but please be kind to me I feel so fragile.

[Ingvermama]

Wondering if anyone has read this?

[Tomcullenisahero]

I have no words of wisdom but I just wanted to offer a hand hold. I hope you are okay. Hopefully you can build up a good relationship with the new therapist and can continue to open up and get support. You've managed to say these things our loud once so maybe you can do it again.
I truly wish you well, I hate the thought of someone feeling upset and in tears.

[Ingvermama]

Thank you for replying Tom, even reading your reply has brought tears to my eyes, I feel like such an idiot for feeling this. I keep going for my family because I love them so much, but if I was alone I would fall apart. I just want to tell the first therapist what's happening as she made everything clear.

[Tomcullenisahero]

Is there no possibility of sticking with your original therapist. I understand the reason for the change but can you not still go to her, even a couple more times?
I still think once you have a few sessions with the new one it'll be just as helpful.
I really wish you well. Do you have any sessions planned with the new therapist?
Stay strong, you will get through this and you're doing all the right things by the sounds of it by seeking professional help. I hope your family are a source of support for you but I know how difficult it is to share these things with close ones sometimes x

[Ingvermama]

I have thought about emailing the CBT therapist, she works for the nhs so it's not a case of me just paying her for another appointment, but I think an email would be okay wouldn't it, as then she doesn't have to reply at all if it's inappropriate. I honestly felt so much better and was getting a grip on things, but it's all come falling down around me again. Thank you for your reply. The Mumsnet mental health section is full of people like me at the moment who can't cope with life. The only positive thing I feel is that I have managed to resist the self harm. Humans are such a mess.

[Hayeahnobut]

Kindly, your relationship with the former therapist is over, it's not fair or appropriate to email her. She will have a full caseload with other patients now. If you email her, is one reply going to be enough, or will no reply make you feel even worse?

Transferance is normal in a therapeutic setting. Your new therapist will be able to help you explore these feelings. Perhaps write what you'd like to send in an email and show it to your new therapist instead, that would help them to understand how you're feeling currently.

Your feelings are entirely natural and valid, and I hope the new therapist helps you to start feeling better soon.

[Ingvermama]

Hay you're right, and I know it would be wrong to email her, but I'm feeling desperately sad and not thinking straight. I think I will write down what I want to say to her and show it to the new therapist. The first therapist did warn me I would feel worse before I felt better and that it's okay. Thanks for making me see sense.

[nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut]

I had this exact experience. Did CBT for a few months, really bonded with my therapist and then had to change therapist for long term counselling as IAPT doesn't provide that. I missed my first therapist a lot, cried my eyes out when I hugged him goodbye but I knew going in that CBT wasn't long term and I don't really miss him much now. I have a good relationship with my new therapist and it has kind of replaced the bond I had with the first. Looking back I think its why they dont give away a lot about themselves. Because otherwise its the person you miss rather than the role iyswim? As it is, I missed him until the role was taken over by another therapist. Now I don't.

I think emailing would be unfair tbh to both of you. She cares of course but she wouldn't be allowed to respond without talking to a supervisor and would of course have to report and document it. Her reply would have to be generic and impersonal and would probably end up making you feel worse and her feel guilty. I think your idea of writing it down and showing your new therapist is the best way to go.

[Ingvermama]

Thank you for this Nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut, your message makes me feel a bit more normal and not completely weird! I'm really going through a strange time, and I suppose someone being kind and attentive is what I've latched on to. I'll definitely talk to the new therapist about this, she is nice too but I just have that bond of trust with her yet. Thanks everyone who had replied, this is what Mumsnet is for.

[Ingvermama]

So I had my counselling session today and we briefly talked about how I felt when my CBT finished with a different therapist, she said it is quite normal and we can talk about it in depth next week (I brought it up at the end of the session). She said it's okay to feel sad about something ending, and that it is always sad but she will make sure I am prepared for the end of the counselling sessions. I can't say I feel better, but I do have hope that it will be okay. It made me cry just talking about it, it's like I lost touch suddenly with a friend who knows my biggest secrets!