I lived at home with my parents and brother over lockdown. I’m 20 and it was a bit strange being back ngl. My mum has some mental health problems anyway that cause her to become very nasty and hostile towards me.
But about a month into lockdown my brother became very suicidal. He would take regular overdoses or try and harm himself in other ways. Sometimes it would be serious and we would just find him, other times he would come through and tell us he’d taken about 5 paracetamol but he would still have to go to A and E.
My brother is a very cruel person to me and before all of this we would barely speak because of how nasty sharp and angry he can be towards me. But he’s my brother and I love him dearly.
It made lockdown an awful awful painful time. Everyone in my family needed looking after. I cooked every meal for everyone, I lay in bed with my mum and cuddled and comforted her when she cried. I didn’t sleep for nights on end because I began obsessing over the fact my brother might slit his wrists with a kitchen knife so I would just sit awake in the kitchen to make sure he didn’t come through.
It was honestly the worst time of my life and I had no one to speak to as I really couldn’t speak to my parents or brother about my fears for obvious reasons.
I think it’s important to state, that at the time (and now) when I’m around them I couldn’t make it less about me if I tried - I understand my brothers job loads of pain and that I am not the one that needs sympathy so please don’t say I’m being selfish or narcissistic, it’s just that I’m writing this thread about my experience.
Anyway, my parents also explicitly asked me to not tell a soul and that it was a private family thing. I honoured this and confided in no-one not even my closest friends. I was so lonely and scared and alone.
However I found out a few months into it my parents had told their friends and were also being supported by them. I felt such a betrayal that I had been asked to not speak to anyone about it or release any emotions and yet they were doing it themself ???
Anyway, my brother hasn’t attempted in quite a few months, is on medication and I believe is doing a lot better. I’ve moved back out but honestly I’m not coping. I keep thinking about it all over and over and over and playing it all in my mind. I was to fucking scream at my brother to not even fucking dare try it again , like I just want to forbid him from even ever thinking about doing that again but the reality is I can’t make him, I can’t control his thoughts and now I’m living far away I can’t help or check he’s okay.
I’m so worried we go into second lockdown and I won’t be at home to keep the family together and he’ll try again and manage. I can’t take the worry. I don’t know what to do, not sure why I’m writing this.
I guess I’m wondering if I’m being a selfish bitch or if my feelings are valid ? Has anyone else ever been through this ?
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Mental health
Traumatised by brothers suicide attempts
6 replies
lu00 · 30/10/2020 22:48
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